作文 求拍！

zhouziyou001UID：2449647

Topic: Students at universities often have a choice of places to live. They may choose to live in university dormitories, or they may choose to live in apartment in the community. Compare the advantages of living in university housing with the advantages of living in an apartment in the community. Where would you prefer to live? Give reasons for your preference.

A trend that existed for many years is that more and more students prefer to live in community near school. However, some people suggest that college student should live on-campus; owing to on-campus housing will be safer and more beneficial to students' study. As far as I am concerned, I maintain student should live in dormitory in school instead of apartment in community for the following reasons.

One very strong argument for students who choose living on-campus is that it is extremely convenient. Living on-campus means student spending much less time in commuting back and forth between home and school so that they have more time to study or relax. Library and all kinds of sports facilities such as basketball court, gym is nearby.

In addition, dormitory is always well administrated by school staff; therefore, student does not need to worry about the use of electricity, water and the Internet when live in a dormitory. Students also can get support easily when they are in trouble on account of roommates as well as dormitory administrators are around. As a case in point, if a student was sick, roommates or dormitory administrator will bring First Aid or sent him or her to university hospital. An equally essential factor which drives people's attention is security. On-campus housing provides a security environment to students. People who live in campus are often students and university staff, thus less likely to commit crime. But a wider range of people will be around when living in a community. If students live far from the campus, they may be afraid go out at night.

Moreover, student will have more opportunity to socialize with others and easily make friends with other students and teachers. If a student lives on-campus, he or she will be acquainted with classmate more easily. And students can find a professor when they are trouble in some academic questions. All of these will benefited a student’s study.

For the above reasons, I deem it is a good idea to live on-campus due to it can be convenient like saving your time and energy, you will enjoying the studying career in a secure surroundings


[ 本帖最后由 zhouziyou001 于 2008-11-15 17:25 编辑 ]

mpromanusUID：2565872

A trend that existed for many years is that more and more students prefer to live in communities (the meaning of 'community'社区 here in the question is akin to 'neighbourhood') near schools. However, some people suggest that college students should live on-campus, owing to that ('owing to' is not the best connective to use. I suggest 'citing that') on-campus housing will be safer and more beneficial to students' studies. As far as I am concerned, I maintain student should live in dormitories in school instead of apartments in the community for the following reasons.

One very strong argument for students who choose to live living on-campus is that it is extremely convenient. Living on-campus means student spending much less time in commuting back and forth between home and school, so that they have more time to study or relax. Libraries and all kinds of sports facilities such as basketball courts, gyms, is are nearby (when students stay on-campus? You have to finish the sentence properly.).

In addition, a dormitory is always well administrated by school staff; therefore, students does not need to worry about the use of electricity, water and the Internet when living in a dormitory (because it's cheap so students can use all they want? because it's easy to tell the staff and get it fixed when something's wrong? Both 'worry' and 'use' are very vague words. You should be more specific regarding the exact benefits.). Students also can can also ('also can' is a very typical Asian non-native expression) get support easily when they are in trouble on account of because (if you use 'on account of', it means that the trouble is caused by 'roommates') roommates as well as dormitory administrators are around. As a case in point, For example, (Do not try to invent new phrases that are likely to be incorrect. It's better to use existing phrases correctly than to use novel phrases wrongly) if a student was sick, roommates or dormitory administrator will bring First Aid or send him or her to a university hospital. An equally essential factor which drives people's attention is security. On-campus housing provides a secure environment to students. People who live in the campus are often students and university staff, thus less likely to commit crime (技术上来说，这种观点并不一定成立 - 众多学生持枪的校园枪击案就是很普遍的例子). But (Again, avoid using 'and', 'but' or 'so' at thet start of sentences in formal writing. For this particular sentence, you might want to use 'In contrast') a wider range of people will be around when living in a community. If students live far from the campus, they may be afraid go out at night.(这一段观点颇多，又没有可以把它们综合统一起来的大论点，建议分段)

Moreover, student will have more opportunity to socialize with others and easily make friends with other students and teachers (when they live on-campus? Please keep your sentences complete.). If a student lives on-campus, he or she will be acquainted with classmates more easily. And (see previous comment) students can find a professor when they are troubled with in some academic questions. All of these will benefited a student’s studies.

For the above reasons, I deem it is a good idea to live on-campus due to the fact that (due to 后面要跟名词) it can be convenient, like saving your time and energy, and you will enjoying the studying career (that's a nice combination and it may be quite true for graduate students..but theoretically there's no such thing as a 'studying career'. I think you mean 'academic life') in a secure surroundings. (A summary is called a summary because it sums ALL previous points made in an essay, so make sure you cover all your major points in the last paragraph.)

总结：

1. 动词时态和分句的语法需要稍微注意下. 用词请准确，句子请写完整，请用一个对问题丝毫不了解的读者的眼光去检查你的文章。

2. 论点排布和分段需要加强，第一个和最后一个点都很好，中间一段提出了好几个论点但是缺乏提纲挈领的论点，所以应该考虑各自分段。最后一段作为总结需要提到文章里所有的重要论点。请认真列提纲。我们需要追求的目标是：一个没空的读者可以从文章开头看出命题和你的总论点，结尾看出你的文章大致讲了哪些主要论点，中间不看也能大致得到文章的全貌。

另外回答你关于if假设的问题：it is perfectly okay to use 'if' in your examples. 举例不是一定要举非假设现时现地正在发生的事情，以一件完全有可能发生但现在没有发生的事情来举例，用if来起头，是完全正常的。如果你觉得if太多，可以换用suppose，或者什么都不用，直接when xxx happens, we can xxx这样写。

[ 本帖最后由 mpromanus 于 2008-11-16 16:12 编辑 ]