【12月-1月IBT综合备考活动】之【TWE写作】12月24日作业

nickey0809UID：2349468

12.24日作业  popular celebrities like singers, actors, athletes can give good example to young people(北美08.1.18)

Nowadays, the star effect has permeated into every corner of the society, which has also a profound influenced in the ivory tower. The Association of Teachers and Lecturers (ATL) survey found that many students are ignoring career aspirations to pursue the chance of fame instead. Many sociologists expressed their concern: the popular celebrities like singers, actors, athletes could not give good example to the teenagers, instead, they would mislead them to think that once their star dream come true, they won't had to take any effort. However shocking it sounds, it only skins the surface of the problem. They were passing a buck in an elegant way. I tend to believe that the celebrity models could have positive effect on the youths, if they are conducted in a proper way.

To begin with, we must admit that students' favorite singers, athletes and actors will have a greater appeal and impact on them than any capable yet rigid teacher. Education, especially the moral education, is a course of touching one's soul. If you expect students to obey you and follow what you say, enforcement or criticism is ineffective, you must narrow the gap between you and students, and make them like and trust you. The celebrities just have the advantage for their positions in the students' heart. Yao Ming, the proud of China, had set a very good example to students because of his politeness and diligence, and the effect is more powerful than a lecture made by a famous professor.

Moreover, the reason for the unrealistic thought of students is that they are attracted by the formal and superficial image and lack of the right conduction. The star effect could play a positive role if the guide is smart enough: he can make a good use of students' star worship and tell them the struggle stories of celebrities. For instance,  Jacky Chen, the famous movie star, had to practice more than 12 hours when he was a child, the career he took sometimes were fatal. Kong Linghui, "the Table tennis Prince", had made 14 years' endeavor to achieve his first champion. No celebrities can become successful without undergoing tremendous pressure and taking copious amounts of hard work. These stories will not only cultivate their character and help them to set up a lofty ideal.

In sum, I think the star effect could be beneficial to students because their significant influences. If the society and educators guide the right direction and avoid the side-effect of the celebrity phenomenon, the teenagers will be healthy growing and the students' moral education will take a big step.

[ 本帖最后由 nickey0809 于 2008-12-31 21:34 编辑 ]

xlwxxyUID：2568970

第一段太长。
最后一段太短。

hustly0415UID：2407456

Nowadays, the star effect has permeated into every corner of the society, which has also a profound influenced(是不是要用influence) in the ivory tower. The Association of Teachers and Lecturers (ATL) survey found that many students are ignoring career aspirations to pursue the chance of fame instead. Many sociologists expressed their concern: the popular celebrities like singers, actors, athletes could not give good example to the teenagers, instead, they would mislead them to think that once their star dream come true, they won't had to take any effort. However shocking it sounds, it only skins（我查到好像是用scratch吧） the surface of the problem. They were passing a buck in an elegant way. I tend to believe that the celebrity models could have positive effect on the youths, if they are conducted in a proper way.
如上楼所说，这段写得太多太长。其中的一些东西，个人感觉可以放到后面提一下，不要把第一段拖这么长。

To begin with, we must admit that students' favorite singers, athletes and actors will have a greater appeal and impact on them than any capable yet rigid teacher. Education, especially the moral education, is a course of touching one's soul. If you expect students to obey you and follow what you say, enforcement or criticism is ineffective, you must narrow the gap between you and students, and make them like and trust you. The celebrities just have the advantage for their positions in the students' heart. Yao Ming, the proud of China, had set a very good example to students because of his politeness and diligence, and the effect is more powerful than a lecture made by a famous professor.
个人感觉，这个分论点还不错。

Moreover, the reason for the unrealistic thought of students is that they are attracted by the formal and superficial image and lack of the right conduction. The star effect could play a positive role if the guide is smart enough: he can make a good use of students' star worship and tell them the struggle stories of celebrities. For instance,  Jacky Chen, the famous movie star, had to practice more than 12 hours when he was a child, the career he took sometimes were fatal. Kong Linghui, "the Table tennis Prince", had made 14 years' endeavor to achieve his first champion. No celebrities can become successful without undergoing tremendous pressure and taking copious amounts of hard work. These stories will not only cultivate their character and(not only..but also 吧...) help them to set up a lofty ideal.
个人喜欢在每一段第一句直接点出分论点，而这段第一句似乎不是很明确。知道你是为了反驳，但是个人觉得应该直接在后面说，这种thought  是站不住脚的。也不在乎这几个字，但是你的态度就更加鲜明了。

In sum, I think the star effect could be beneficial to students because （加of） their significant influences. If the society and educators guide the right direction and avoid the side-effect of the celebrity phenomenon, the teenagers will be healthy growing(感觉这个是中式英语) and the students' moral education will take a big step.

总的来说，个人认为这篇文章的分论点选得还可以，但是第一段写得太长。个人不是很喜欢这种开头。
个人意见，仅作参考。


[ 本帖最后由 hustly0415 于 2008-12-26 17:46 编辑 ]

mpromanusUID：2565872

Nowadays, the star effect has permeated into every corner of the society, which (What? The star effect? Or the permeation?) has also a profound influenced in the ivory tower. The Association of Teachers and Lecturers (ATL) survey found that many students are ignoring career aspirations to pursue the chance of fame (Careers can and do bring fame. 'Celebrities' do include those who get famous through what they work for - like Donald Trump.) instead. Many sociologists expressed their concern: the popular celebrities like singers, actors, athletes could not give good examples to the teenagers, instead, they would mislead them to think that once their star dreams of being stars come true, they won't have to make any effort. However shocking it sounds, it only skins the surface of the problem. They (Who? The sociologists? The teenagers? The stars?) were passing THE buck in an elegant way. I tend to believe that the celebrity models (This looks ambiguous.) could have positive effects on the youths, if they (What? 'Models' can't get 'conducted'.) are conducted in a proper way.

To begin with, we must admit that students' favorite singers, athletes and actors will have a greater appeal and impact on them than any capable yet rigid teacher. Education, especially the moral education, is a course of touching one's soul. If you (Avoid addressing readers directly with 'you'. This is not a speech. Such direct addresses are overly personal.) expect students to obey you and follow what you say, enforcement or criticism is ineffective. You must narrow the gap between you and the students, and make them like and trust you. The celebrities just have the advantage for their positions in the students' heart. Yao Ming, the proud of China, had set a very good example to for students because of his politeness and diligence, and the effect (What exactly is this effect Yao's producing in students? You have to address this specifically because being a 'good' celebrity doesn't necessarily equal to being a celebrity that can produce 'good' fans.) is more powerful than a lecture made by a famous professor.

Moreover, the reason for the unrealistic thought of students (? What thought is this?) is that they are attracted by the formal and superficial images (of what?) and lack of the right conduction (? Do you mean 'guidance'?). The star effect could play a positive role if the guide (Who??) is smart enough: he can make a good use of students' star worship and tell them the struggle stories of struggles of celebrities. For instance,  Jackie Chan, the famous movie star, (Yet you spelt both parts of his name wrongly?) had to practice more than 12 hours when he was a child. The career he took sometimes was fatal. Kong Linghui, (I don't believe the average American would know him because table tennis is literally an unknown sport in the US. My point is that you should say he is the Prince of table tennis in China so that your examiner knows you're talking about a local celebrity.) "the Prince of Table tennis Prince", had made taken 14 years' endeavor to achieve his first champion (At what level? A 全市冠军 can be called a champion as long as he's the final winner.). No celebrity can become successful without undergoing tremendous pressure and taking copious amounts of hard work. (I don't believe Paris Hilton did.) These stories will not only cultivate their (Whose???) character and help them to set up a lofty ideals.

In sum, I think the star effect could be beneficial to students because of their significant influences. If the society and educators guide in the right direction and avoid the side-effects of the celebrity phenomenon, the teenagers will be healthy growing (Do NOT do direct translations like this.) and the students' moral education for students will take a big step forward.

总结：

有不少不很地道的遣词用字，请注意。论述方面不错。最主要的问题是指代很混乱，主语换了也还是继续用指代然后造成语义混乱的地方很多，在检查的时候请以读者的眼光来看你自己的文字 - 不是说因为你知道自己写的they都是指谁，读者就会知道是谁的。。