Argument111 【0906G ANap Hand 作文互改小组】第3次作业 by zju-jenny 请猛拍

jenny11235UID: 2585428

TOPIC: ARGUMENT111 - The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of marketing at Dura-Sock, Inc.

"A recent study of Dura-Sock wearers suggests that our company is wasting the money it spends on its patented "Endure" manufacturing process, which ensures that our socks are strong enough to last for two years. Dura-Sock has always advertised its use of the "Endure" process, but the new study shows that the average Dura-Sock customer actually purchases new Dura-Socks every three months. Furthermore, Dura-Sock customers surveyed in our largest market, northeastern United States cities, say that they most value Dura-Sock's stylish appearance and availability in many colors. These findings suggest that Dura-Sock can increase its profits by discontinuing its use of the "Endure" manufacturing process."
WORDS: 382          TIME: 00:50:00          DATE: 2008-12-31 21:22:14
提纲：
1 最欣赏不表示只欣赏
2 平均每个顾客的概念不具代表性，即使承认其代表性不知道买袜子的目的
3 盈利是多方面影响的结果

The survey, aimed at the users of Dura-Sock, might seem helpful to Dura-Sock Inc. to increase its profits as the study says. However, carefully thinking of its evidences and supports, we will find some logical fallacies.

First of all, the survey claims to abandon the use of the "Endure" because the customers in largest market most value appearance and various color selectivity. Nevertheless, the author ignores that this conclusion is based on the premise of high quality of these "endure" socks. We are not sure that without the "endure" quality, can these customers still choose Dura socks? Because the survey just tells us that they most value the appearance and colors, which doesn't equal to the concept that they just value these two aspects. It is entirely possible that they also appreciate the high quality of the socks and without these aspects, they will not continue purchase.

Secondly, because the author doesn't tell the total number of the people taking in this survey, so we have sufficient reasons to doubt the representativeness of the average customer. Unless the author can prove that the sample is large enough and that all the surveyed are randomly chosen, the average customer in this survey, otherwise, cannot provide any useful information. We may believe that there are multiple of people, not taking part in the survey, buy new Dura-Socks every two years or even longer. Even if  average customer does buy socks every three months, because the author doesn't provide us with the further information about the their purpose of purchase, we still could argue that maybe they just like collect the Dura socks for any reason and they only wear some of them for a long time. Without excluding the above possibilities, we hardly admit the author's suggestion.

Thirdly, could the author assure us of profits increase? As we know, the profit increase is a complex result influenced by many elements, such as material cost, delivery expense, total sale valume  and so on. Just focusing on one element in manufacturing process, the author cannot make a certain conclusion that the profits will increase.

The author must provide further statistics about the people taking in this survey and their backgrounds so that she can prove authority of the survey. Additionally, more elements should be considered to increase the profits instead of a simple element. After carefully weighing on such ignorable aspects, we could discuss the feasibility of author’s suggestions.

irvine666UID: 2575525

The survey, aimed at the users of Dura-Sock, might seem helpful to Dura-Sock Inc. to increase its profits as the study says. However, carefully thinking of its evidences and supports(漏洞，前面一句主语是survey,后面一句突然冒出its evidences and supports来，survey有这么多内涵么？还是你这个its指的是the argument?，后文的logical fallacies说明应该是the argument吧), we will find some logical fallacies.(总的说来，开头比以前好多了，干脆简明，能不罗嗦就最好别罗嗦，新东方那种老鸨式开头只在一篇6分范文里面出现过，而且立刻被commentry骂的狗血喷头.)

First of all, the survey claims to (这个是作者的观点，不是survey, survey 也不能配claim)abandon the use of the "Endure" because the customers in largest market most value appearance and various color selectivity. Nevertheless, the author(看你这里，前面说survey怎么样，转折，说author怎么怎么样，前后不一致了，所以，前面应该是the writer或者arguer吧？) ignores that this conclusion is based on the premise of high quality of these "endure" socks.(主题句!全段就应该围绕这个来批) We are not sure that without the "endure" quality, can these customers still choose Dura socks? Because (根据前文，这个because有点莫名其妙了，就像我告诉你：“如果饭馊了，大家会吃么？因为馊饭会坏肚子”，你会不会觉得不通顺？原因就是前一句和后一句，没有什么因果关系，但是改成“饭馊了，大家不会吃，因为馊饭会坏肚子”就顺了，所以把前面的疑问句改成否定句吧，如果你真的要强调什么，就用倒装) the survey just tells us that they most value the appearance and colors, which doesn't equal to the concept that they just value these two aspects. It is entirely possible that they also appreciate the high quality of the socks and without these aspects(你这个these aspects,是指代的什么呢？appearance and colors,OR,high quality?根据后文，是high quality吧，那就用单数), they will not continue purchase.(这一段，感觉论证没有深入，不够说服力，为什么消费者不最看中质量？你提到一个比较关键的原因，因为所有袜子都有高质量了。但是就只到这一步了么？想想你漏了什么？因为有高质量，所以消费者不看重质量，这句话能说服你自己么？这个因果关系的前提是什么？是消费者往往不会关心已经拥有的东西，或者说的更深一点，商品内在的基础！他们只在乎外表价值和得不到的东西！所以这个调查才没有说服力。没有这个前提，上面那个因果关系就无法成立。买椟还珠这个典故就非常有代表性。如果能够在段落结尾升华到这个境界，那这段就无懈可击！)

Secondly, because the author doesn't tell the total number of the people taking in this survey, so (上次是 though..but,这次是because..so..)we have sufficient reasons to doubt the representativeness of the average customer. Unless the author can prove that the sample is large enough and that all the surveyed are randomly chosen, (这句话很赞！)the average customer in this survey, otherwise, cannot provide any useful information. We may believe that there are multiple of people, not taking part in the survey, buy new Dura-Socks every two years or even longer. Even if  average customer does buy socks every three months, because(because这个词，最好能少用，感觉太低级词汇了) the author doesn't provide us with the further information about the their purpose of purchase, we still could argue that maybe they just like collect the Dura socks for any reason and they only wear some of them for a long time(这个这个...华丽了...). Without excluding(这两个词能连用的？都表示 排除...) the above possibilities, we hardly admit the author's suggestion.(这段的主要问题是，开篇要批的东西指代不明，不够具体化，开篇讲，...in this survey，即整个survey都有问题，然后开始既说没有足够的代表性，又说人数取的不够多不够随机，反正把survey批的体无完肤摇摇欲坠，在你的读者看的痛快淋漓的时候，突然冒出来一个，Even if  average customer does buy socks every three months，很好，那你到底是在批survey的整体，还是survey里面的three months?这就跟前面讲了半天发展社会主义政策应该如何如何，有什么什么好处，后面突然冒一个：我们这个社会主义政策指的就是对西部地区的政策！一样。敢情前面都是白讲啊...罗嗦一句：主题句一定要明确定义!)

Thirdly, could the author assure us of profits increase? (很有吸引力的开头，不过不要多用，一篇用一次就足够)As we know, the profit increase is a complex result influenced by many elements, such as material cost, delivery expense, total sale valume  and so on. Just focusing on one element in manufacturing process, the author cannot make a certain conclusion that the profits will increase. (这段话给人的感觉就是"空",就像是复述了一遍你自己的提纲一样，很多东西，该展开的没有展开到，就随便取一个material cost来说,为什么用新的material就会减少利润呢？光靠一个干巴巴的可能性，能说服你的读者么？他们还能举一堆例子说明material换成不耐久的，材料费下降，所以利润上升呢！你这个时候就应该举例子了：哦可能公司跟以前的材料供应商有着良好的关系，他们也给了公司很多的优惠。现在我们要用新的材料，要换新的供应商，价格，人脉和诚信上都有了损失，所以潜在的影响了公司的利润。这样不就好多了？展开来说，就会发现，文章的篇幅和深度都会大大的上升的)

The author must provide further statistics about the people taking in this survey and their backgrounds so that she can prove authority of the survey. Additionally, more elements should be considered to increase the profits instead of a simple element. After carefully weighing on such ignorable aspects, we could discuss the feasibility of author’s suggestions(结尾有点模板化，感觉没啥好改的了...)

最后罗嗦一句，段落之间的连接，不要再用firstly,secondly,thridly了，这3个词的作用就是把东西放在一起，没有任何关联。举个例子，你把3个段落调整一下顺序，批时间那段放最前面，然后第二段，批调查“耐久”的，起头来个moreover,或者furthermore,大家都知道了，哦你这是递进了，其实你的论述调整了顺序以后本来就是递进的，第三段起头再让步一下，即使前两段的调查都成立，也不能说明... 这样的论证逻辑岂不是比你那个1，2，3好多了？

果然是0点0分开始改的，新年新气象，好的开始等于一切，继续加油！

[ 本帖最后由 irvine666 于 2009-1-1 01:44 编辑 ]

goingeastUID: 2439824

看了Irvine的批改，许多地方很是赞同，如果 jenny 同学再改一改，文章的结构思路会好很多，尤其是thirdly 段落，Ivrine给的例子很好，这样写来，这段就很丰满，不会干巴巴的。

stupidken2oUID: 2541049

拍的太狠了，好！

gardenlaUID: 2584945

顶