Argument35 【0906G 文以载道三月四月小组】第一周第一次作业 on zeyiwang

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Argument35  【0906G 文以载道三月四月小组】第一周第一次作业 by zeyiwang
The following appeared in the summary of a study on headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia.
"Salicylates（水杨酸脂） are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich in salicylates, for the past several decades food-processing companies have also been adding salicylates to foods as preservatives. This rise in the commercial use of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study. Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives（食品香料） for foods. With this new use for salicylates, we can expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia."
水杨酸酯和用来治疗头痛的药物--阿司匹林是同一类化合物。尽管很多食品天然富含水杨酸酯，过去几十年中食品加工公司仍然在食品中加入它来作为防腐剂。这种水杨酸酯在商业上的使用被发现与我们为期20年研究的参加者所报告的头痛发病的平均数量下降是相关的。最近，食品加工公司发现水杨酸酯也可以被用作食品香料。根据这种水杨酸酯的新用途，我们可以预期Mentia居民患头痛症的数量将会持续稳步下降。
1.    the arguer is failing to consider the other possible alternative to the decline of patients after the use of Salicylates.
2.    the arguer overlooks the side effects of Salicylates.
3.    Anther problem of this argument is that whether it is suitable for all kind of people.  （考虑很全面）（但也许可以和2并在一起说）        
4.    what I also question is that ‘it is used as food additives’ when some companies found its commercial use.
【正文】In this summary, the arguer predicts that with the use of salicylates,（最好放句末，容易显得头重脚轻） it is expectable（expected） that a continued steady decline of headaches patients （加一个动词像suffer）by the average citizen of Mentia. To validate this view, he also cites that for past several decades, the decline in the number of headaches due to the use of Salicylates in a study. In addition, he also points out that the food companies would add Salicylates as flavors additives, which would definitely decrease the number of headache patients.
Mostly obviously（两个副词？）, the arguer is failing to consider the other possible alternative to the decline of patients after the use of Salicylates. And such alternative may include the fact that it is the advanced medical condition that help people being far away from suffering of （去掉）headache rather than the usage of Salicylates. What's more： it is entirely possible that the citizens of Mentia paid much more attention to their health situation, and more and more people take exercise regularly, hence the average level of health situation has increased significantly and consequently, the chance of suffer from headache has been declined tremendously. In a word, without ruling out all the other possibilities that may take an impact on the result, it is unconvincing about the conclusion as the arguer stands.
In the second place, the arguer overlooks the side effects of Salicylates. The fact that the decline of headache patients may go with the increase of another kind of disease has been completely ignored. （驳斥作者的陈述观点并不是建立自己的观点，你并没有证据证明S对人体有何种副作用。最好直接说作者没有考虑到这个因素存在的可能性）The more information of Salicylates has not detailed by the arguer.
Anther problem of this argument is that whether it is suitable for all kind of people. Do the old（the aged） and children afford to the high level of salicylates physically? What about the difference between men and women? The information about the samples of the study has been overlooked or chosen to ignore.(有些重复，没有必要)
Finally, what I also question（ed） is that it is used as food additives’ when some companies found its commercial use.（句意很奇怪：当公司发现它的商业用途时被用作了食物防腐剂？） Thought it is maybe proved that it took effects on the increase of favor, how many companies would really add it into food in the regard of cost? In all likelihood Lots can not afford the high cost of this additive. Therefore, few of them would use it as an additive in the process of manufacturing food.
To sum up, the arguer predict（时态） the decline of headache patients due to the use of Salicylates, however, he fail to present convincing evidence to support the predict（prediction）. Thus, it is essential that more concrete and comprehensive evidence(s)is (are)(前边用了more)needed in the process of argument.


语言，语法有待加强，有些语句不够通顺。逻辑上有些混乱，有些论证不够充分，分析的顺序还需要斟酌，最好按逻辑顺序并适当加以分类。另外，最好有些让步，免得显得过于绝对。整体框架较好，但还需论证完整。上面都是个人意见，看过之后再讨论哈~~~加油。。。。:loveliness: :handshake :handshake -----露珠



[ 本帖最后由 露珠 于 2009-1-12 15:05 编辑 ]

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