Argument33【0906G 文以载道三月四月小组】第一周第一次作业 on daishuchen

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Argument 33
The following report appeared in an archaeology journal.
“The discovery of distinctively shaped ceramic pots at various prehistoric sites scattered over a wide area has led archaeologists to ask how the pots were spread. Some believe the pot makers migrated to the various sites and carried the pots along with them; others believe the pots were spread by trade and their makers remained in one place. Now, analysis of bones of prehistoric human skeletons can settle the debate: high levels of a certain metallic element contained in various foods are strongly associated with people who migrated to a new place after childhood. Many of the bones found near the pots at a few sites showed high levels of the metallic element. Therefore, it must be that the pots were spread by migration, not trade.
在广泛区域分散分布的很多史前遗迹发现的形状独特的陶壶导致考古学家提出疑问：这些壶是如何流传的？有些人相信壶的制造者迁移到别的地区并把壶随之带来；另一些人相信壶是通过贸易流传的，而他们的制造者仍然留在一个地方。现在，对于史前人类骨骼的分析可以解决这个争论：在多种食物中都含有的某种金属元素的高含量与那些成年后移居到新地方的人有很高的关联性。在一些遗迹的壶附近发现的很多骨头都显示出这种金属元素的高含量。因此，这些壶肯定是通过迁移而不是贸易来流传的。

1. 在多种食物中都含有的某种金属元素的高含量与那些成年后移居到新地方的人有很高的关联性,这种关联性不一定是因果关系。
2. 即使是因果关系，骨头中含有这种元素不代表是因为食用富含这种金属元素的食物而造成的。
3. 即使骨头中这种金属元素高含量是食用了富含这种金属元素的食物而导致，但也不能完全说明壶是通过迁徙过来的，也有可能此地贸易繁荣，由贸易带来的。
4. 只是证明一些遗迹的壶附近发现很多骨头显示出这种金属元素高含量，可能其它遗迹的壶却没有。（提纲采用层层让步，思路很清晰）

This report recommends that the pots at a few sites were spread by migration, not trade because many of the bones near the pots showed high levels of the metallic element. To support this conclusion the article's author notes that high levels of a certain metallic element contains in various foods are strongly associated with people who migrated to a new place after childhood. Through careful examination, I find this argument is logically flawed in several critical aspects, which renders it unconvincing.（文中的原句最好改写一下，虽然我也不怎么会改写，呵呵）

A threshold problem with the argument involves that high levels of a certain metallic element contained in various foods are strongly associated with people who migrated to a new place after childhood, but we are not informed that the two is cause-and-effect relation. Perhaps the high levels of a certain metallic element contained in various foods （这句出现频率是不是有点高啊，可以尝试着换一下表达）cause the low migration of people.（这句话的意思没太看懂，食物中金属的高含量会引起很少移民？？）

Secondly, Even if the former has lead to the latter（这个代指用得好）, that many of the bones showed high levels of the metallic element cannot illustrate that the element is absorbed from（这里总觉得有点别扭，你是想说元素来源于富含它的食物吧？感觉应该用主动语态，比如draw from）the food rich in it. It is entirely possible that on account of the environment deterioration. For instance, in a period the air and water pollution make (made) people inhale a great deal of a certain element and resulted in the high level of the metallic element.（这句是不是用过去时更好一点，毕竟是在假设过去发生的情况）

Thirdly, even assuming the high level of element is (was) from the food and the consequence is (was) that many migrates come here（这个表达不是太好）, but we cannot fully accept the point that the pots were spread by migration, not trade. Perhaps this area is (was) flourishing（flourish是个动词) in trade. Many（many出现的频率是不是多了点？可以换换词，比如manifold）merchants bring (brought) them from other places here .Without more information about the pots and bones besides them, it is difficult to ascertain that the pots were spread by migration.

Finally, the author tells us that many of the bones found near the pots are just at a few sites. But how about other sites? Maybe there are no bones rich in the metallic element near the pots in other sites. So (If so,) the pots is (are) irrelative with the migrants.

In sum, the author’s argument is unpersuasive in several aspects. To strengthen it the author must provide better evidence that the high levels of a certain metallic element contained in various foods causes people who migrated to a new place after childhood（汗~~又是原句）. And the rich element in the bones is from the food. To better access the argument we I need to know whether the pots of other sites near which the bones is rich in this elements.（病句，改为the distribution of pots and bones rich in the elements and their correlation）

（结构比较清楚，我也看懂什么意思了，但是表达上有点中式英语，怕老外看不懂啊~语言方面有待提高，原句出现频率太高，注意改写。注意标点的格式，单词后直接加标点，然后加空格再写下一个单词。关于时态，我觉得在假设或阐述有关壶或遗址的情况时，是不是用过去时态更合适一点。我也是第一次改作文，有什么不对的地方敬请指教，共勉~）

[ 本帖最后由 wsgg 于 2009-1-13 10:39 编辑 ]

daishuchenUID: 2590165

我觉得你改的真好！！句句都说到我的心坎上了！太感谢了！这是我平生第一篇GRE作文，我会努力的！我们都要加油！我会认真改你的的！