救命啊！Issue130 【0906G 文以载道三月四月小组】第2周第3次作业 by 阿狸

阿狸UID: 2587762

"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

Syllabus:
1 Display my view that both counts of the claim should be carefully reexamined.
2 What is socialization in a reality sense? What indeed hinges on the destiny of the society? What position should socialization be put in when bringing up a child?
(we have more convincing indicators of a promising society such as humane qualities, persistent wills, intellectual minds and so on. And it is manifest that socialization shouldn’t be put to a decisive position.)
3 Have we really not learned that? Know the affluent victories we already get? We use all kinds of efficient methods to educate them. Though defects exist, the main trend, which is showed in technology development, wiser political decisions, creative art works, and other significant achievements we’ve had, demonstrates that we know most of it.
Examples: Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook the community site; Barack Obama, the insightful leader; Declan Galbraith, the talented and benevolent boy singer, etc.
4 So we see a budding future of the younger generation and our society.What cause the problem confusing are some unavoidable obstacles in carrying our knowledge out, things like we still need to reinforce our children’s sense of cooperation.


To commence with, the assertion that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society won’t convince me. We’ve got various indicators other than the extent to which children are socialized to judge whether a society’s future is promising or not. And also, I find the sequential statement has gone to extreme side on the education issue. I’ll develop my views into full details in the following paragraphs.
What is socialization? Maybe to illustrate the question from academic aspect is a little confusing and unnecessarily complicated. As far as I am concerned, socialization, in a reality sense, is the process in which an individual is somehow taught to be capable of handling various diplomatic situations. It is manifest that there exist many qualities such as a humane heart, a persistent will, an intellectual mind and so on other than a sophisticated behaving manner that hinge on the destiny of society. So, as clear as the sunshine at noon, the statement that children’s socialization extent has a determinant effect on our society’s future is of little value in works of related fields.
Naturally, when it comes to the issue of a society’s future, another even more controversial one will be subsequently and inevitably brought to the table, that have we educated our children really so well that they can promise us a better society in their time? To objectively judge this subject, let’s take some contemporary giants for example.
We know that we all have made our voice heard since he has been elected as the 44th president of America. Barack Obama, the man who has promised to, and we know he will, make changes to the currently troubled United States, is so insightful that we can have confidence in him despite his lack of empirical experience. He has a well educated background in some of the famous western universities, and undoubtedly, the faculty there must have to some extent inspired him to do magnificent things he is doing now. The whole world has also witnessed how a country which is tolerant of diverse opinions and differing people has made another miracle that a man of minority is entitled of the awesome leadership of America. Wouldn’t this be undeniable evidence that having these superbly cultivated youth, we have already been granted a better society?
Mark Zuckerburg, famous Facebook’s young founder, quitted his study in Harvard and started his dramatic career as the CEO of his community site which later turns out to be an amazing victory in both the website’s running way and its creativity. He knows exactly what he wants, and has bravely chosen the right method. Wouldn’t this be a sign that today’s children have their own insights and the decisiveness that could lead them to success?
If socialization is to determine the future of our society, then it should help to end all the horrible wars on the earth. Yet we all know that peace would come only when all the human beings are sensitive to their responsibility in undertaking a part of the job of constructing our beloved motherland. Besides socialization, there are so many determinant factors that will share an effect in bringing out our future. Seen from our current society, the conclusion can be drawn that we have learned adequate knowledge in fostering our children into well-being adults who have gifted talents, strong minds and benevolent wills. While obstacles exist that a lack of the sense of cooperation and spirit of teamwork remain to be settled, we still need to fulfill our school system and introduce children to some exercise work which needs teamwork to complete so as to impress them with the necessity of teamwork other than mere competition.

阿狸UID: 2587762

救命啊……好烂……
天啦，谁来拯救我的AW啊，我第一篇就写成这个味道啊～～完全没有个逻辑在我的脑子里啊～～还有我经常自作主张地两句之间跳了好几个逻辑关系需要经过推理才能从一个得到下一个但是美国佬肯定不会看啊～～
而且用词好低级啊……
啊！死了

irvine666UID: 2575525

文章重点讲了2个方面
首先提出Issue的观点就是错误的.(主题句)
1,2段是讲影响社会的方面有很多,学生的socialize只能算一个方面,应该是在批I的第一句话吧,顺带提出一个观点: socialization extent has little value in social development.在这2段里基本能够make sense.
3,4,5段问题就有点多了
第一个就是例子问题,我不知道ETS到底喜欢哪种风格的例子,不过我知道你这样的整段举例肯定不是他们喜欢的.实际上3,4,5段更像是2个名人的平生事迹而非issue.
大家都知道例子就是从报刊杂志或者网络上面抄录的东西,无论你有没有改写过,大段摘录的后果就是中心表述不明,而且容易被判定雷同.
我个人比较倾向于短小的例子,短小的比较好操纵,把需要表达的一句话摘录出来,使得更加concentrate,利于阅读.
第二个问题就是3段指出了中心是how to educate well,然后例子说obama是well educated background, zuckerburg是quit study,他们都成功了,那你的态度是什么?是both are appropriate?还是individual development is crucial?没有归纳总结一下.
总结段的论点是:child has been educated sufficiently to be an adult,老实说,我持反对意见.
最后提到了一个the necessity of teamwork other than mere competition. 我认为这个才是应该重点展开的东西,可惜作者只是草草带过.

saavedroUID: 2423190

我看下， 楼主是限时写作吗？

saavedroUID: 2423190

遣词造句可以锻炼的，楼主不必着急，从CET写作跨到GRE写作的确比较艰难，不是很好上手。 不过第一次能写成这样子，至少能写出这么多东西来，这说明楼主的基础实力还是不错的。 继续加油就可以了。 关于遣词造句方面的东西和AW欢迎楼主来和我讨论。 QQ：658561

阿狸UID: 2587762

致命之处是我本想按北美范文的思路来，结果却写得束手束脚的。还有那个mark的例子我本来是想说，他退出了学习，是因为他受了其他方面人文意识的熏陶使他有自己的决断力而做出正确的选择，所以也是另一种方式的教育成果，我应该把这点说清楚么……关于举例，我也正是觉得举群例比较有说服力，还有那俩例子是我自己发挥总结的啊不是copy来的，虽然整个写上去确实幼稚。还有我觉得我挖空心思写出来的句式和用词也不够其他人的复杂，你们是刚一开始就有那样的水平还是后期训练的？