【09年1月-4月】TOEFL作文互改小组-之【TWE作文】1.25号作业 by ningstory

ningstoryUID: 2548108

Should governments spend more money in sponsoring arts than athletics

Arts and athletics are two important contents in our society, which can improve the quality of our lives and make our society more harmonious. Nowadays, there is an issue that governments spend more money in sponsoring arts than athletics. Because both of them have deep influences in our society, I think governments should balance the money spend on arts and athletics.

First of all, arts some times stand for the high spirit of human, it not only can improve the live quality of the people, but also can reflect the core culture of one country. So, large investment on arts is possible. For instance, Beijing Opera is a traditional art in China which is favored by many Chinese people and have became a very important part of Chinese culture. Obviously, governments should invest much money on sponsoring this kind of arts by building more arenas and cultivate more actors. There are many other arts such as painting, music, movies and so on should sponsored, as normal lives and culture can’t leave arts.

Furthermore, athletics is also a very important part in people’s live and country. Through doing sports, people can strengthen their body, improve their health. In some times, athletics can also reflect one country’s strength and cultures. A example is that Chinese government spend much money on holding 29th Olympic Games in Beijing. The success of Beijing has exhibited a open, convince as well as deep cultured China to whole world. And the investment on these sports can also bring along heat of sports exercise among normal people. Another example is that because excellence of football sports in Brazil, many football fans are interested in the country of Brazil. Therefore, investing on athletics is also very important.
In general, both arts and athletics are very important to a country and their person’s live, governments should balance investment of the two items and not spend more money in sponsoring arts than athletics blindly.

水晶小鱼UID: 2471655

Arts and athletics are two important contents in our society, which can improve the quality of our lives and make our society more harmonious. (?) Nowadays, there is an issue that governments spend more money in sponsoring arts than athletics. (Nowadays, there is an issue that about whether governments should spend more money in sponsoring arts than athletics.) Because both of them have deep influences in (on) our society, I think governments should balance the money spend on arts and athletics.

First of all, arts some times stand for the (\) high spirit of human (spirit of human? 感觉这里怪怪的); it not only can improve the live (living) quality of the (\) people, but also can reflect the core culture (你看改成core cultural value是不是更好写) of one country. So, large investment on arts is possible. (possible？这道题讨论的是应该给那个多些赞助，而不是可不可能给赞助，你看改成worthwhile是不是更贴切?)For instance, Beijing Opera is a traditional art in China which is favored by many Chinese people and have became (become) a very important part of Chinese culture. Obviously, governments should invest much money on sponsoring (\ invest=sponsor，重复了，去掉sponsor。直接invest on就好了) this kind of arts by building more arenas and cultivate (cultivating, 两个并列的动词，应该都是V-ing的形式) more actors. There are many other arts such as painting, music, movies and so on should be sponsored, as normal lives and culture can’t leave arts. (as normal lives and culture can’t leave arts.这个总结太怪了吧)

Furthermore (是表示递进的，而你的arts和athletics是并列的，都很重要的关系，那么是不是用And also等表示并列的逻辑词比较好), athletics is also a very important part in people’s live (life) and country. Through doing sports, people can strengthen their body, improve their health. In some times, athletics can also reflect one country’s strength and cultures. (你是想说体育代表一个国家的强大吧，你看这么说好不好。Sometimes, athletics stands for a country’s reputation and the statue in the world.) A (An) example is that Chinese government spends much money on holding 29th Olympic Games in Beijing. The success of Beijing has exhibited a (an) open, convince (convinced. adj.) as well as deep cultured (deep cultured? 拥有深厚文化底蕴的？) China to the whole world. And the investment on these sports can also bring along heat of sports exercise among normal (ordinary, normal是说正常的人) people. Another example is that because excellence of football sports in Brazil, many football fans are interested in the country of Brazil. Therefore, investing on athletics is also very important.

In general, both arts and athletics are very important to a country and their person’s live (life), governments should balance investment of (on) the two items and not spend more money in sponsoring arts than athletics blindly. (你说了要balance了就是说spend as much money in arts as in athletics了，不用再说not spend more money in sponsoring arts than athletics blindly，看着很重复)

总结一下：
1. 这位托友的观点是平衡型的，就是投资钱数相同
2. 赞助艺术的原因是提高人们精神层面生活的质量，而且艺术是一个国家文化的核心。
3. 赞助体育事业的愿意是（1）发展体育事业鼓励全民参与，有助于人民的健康（2）体育是一个国家的形象。
4. 问题：（1）感觉语法问题【红色字体】比较多，很多词和固定搭配用的不对，要好好下工夫（2）有些你想表达的意思你表达不出来或者表达出来就是另一个意思了，【蓝色字体】多读一读范文吧（3）逻辑没有把握好，这应该是个总分总，中间两个并列分论点的文章，你写成递进了（4）很多地方重复，包括语句和单词你说赞助XX很important就说了很多次，句子表达意思一样的一句之内就出现了重复。建议多找找同义词，准备下高级词汇，唉，这个我也做的不好，老想用简单的词。（5）感觉你的例子都不是和论点之间的直接对应，再推了下才对上，是不是补充下说明再进一步论证下。

想到的就这么多了，个人之见，希望对你有帮助~:)

ningstoryUID: 2548108

楼上朋友改的太好了！~我受益匪浅！
非常非常感谢！