argu65slipping

sherman1988UID: 2568729

65. The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

  "For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."
in this memo, the president asserts that the best way to improve profits is to concentrate main(mainly) on domestic cheeses instead of continuing stocking(to stock) many of the varieties of imported cheese.(累赘，any of the imported cheese 就好) To bolster his or her
（his就好，上帝是男人）assumption, several reasons is provided. Firstly,（first） the best-selling cheeses at the newest store were（时态） all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Secondly, an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among the subscribers of the Cheeses of the World magazine not means an increase number of customers.（？？？你在引用原文，不用发表评论的，而且句子不通） Although at first glance, it seems reasonable, further scrutiny of each of the reasons, though, render it unconvincing as it stand. 还是这句话，改下吧
First of all, it is unwise to draw the conclusion that the domestic cheeses are popular in the wide districts on the basis of the phenomenon in five newest stores
（the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic审题不仔细。。。很严重的问题）. As we know, in order to make a new store well known to others a discount is always supplied to consumer at the beginning.很不地道，chinglish以后类似错误我不重复了 而且这句话没什么作用删去 Perhaps these five stores are provided discount in every the domestic cheeses.例子可以多些吗 攻击深度 Further, （more）We are not informed how many stores there are in total, and how many new stores there are. And even it is suitable in W, there is not direct relevant to other district. Because the tastes are vary以后类似错误只圈不改了 而且这句话貌似意义不大 from person to person. Therefore, we have good reason to doubt if the five stores are representative enough to claim what is true in general.（？）
In addition, the survey is too vague to support the president's assumption. To begin with, we do not know where the subscribes involved come from, it is possible that the respondents are from the same district where covers a little scope. Then is the total population of subscribes big enough to serve as a research. Even if all enough to answer the question, we cannot equal the increase preference for domestic cheeses to the most popular extent. It is quite impossible the population of the domestic cheeses consumer is over the import cheeses consumer. In short, an more accurate
survey should be conducted to support the president. ？？
说逻辑的话 意思大概明白表述很不准确，而且最后一句话不明白 可以看看北美范文怎么攻击survey的数量质量的
Finally, even though the domestic cheeses really consume over the imported cheeses, the increased profit cannot be guaranteed The president is too hasty to draw the conclusion不是president。。。. Sometimes the more commodities are sold the less money the merchant get.
n order to obtain a large number of customers, he or she has no choice but to decrease the price. On the other hand, how many the profits will get depend on how much the cheeses cost. If the imported cheeses have a lower cost but have a higher price, it is highly possible the higher profits can be obtain. To convince us, more information about the two kind （of） cheeses should be provided.
你的例子和表达很不准确，虽然我感觉整体攻击思路是对的
As what have mentioned above, the president does not lend a strong support to the assumption. To strength the assumption the president should inform us more logical reasons about the stores and the survey as well as something about the profits.
也可以把 但越具体越好，毕竟万金油得分肯定不会高
下次如果时间允许的话就改正下语法错误再传上来吧。。。
你的语言是个大难关，推荐看下http://bbs.taisha.org/thread-857506-1-1.html