【Dark_Tournament TOEFL-ibt作文小组 lijr03 第一次作业】

lijr03UID：2522963

Do you agree or disagree? Playing computer games is wasting time/ children should not be allowed to play them.



Although the invention of computer facilitates the work and life of human being, it also brings us some problems. Nowadays an increasing number of children learn how to play computer games and spend much time on the games. It is not good for them to do so. Thus I agree with the opinion that children should not be allowed to play computer games.



First of all, playing computer games too much is harmful to our health. An investigation in Hong Kong University shows that if a person plays computer games 6 hours a day, the person's health may be broken down in a month. This is because that playing computer games is not only bad for our eyes but also bad for body. There are a lot of radiations coming from the computer screen. The situation is even worse for children. We know that the children often have less self-control than adults. Thus they may addict to the interesting games more easily.
Therefore, it is so dangerous to allow the children to play computer games and we should not allow them to play them.



Second, playing computer games too much may take much time of the children. So the children cannot have enough time to study and their grades of examinations may fall down. The prior duty of children is study. If a child spends his/her most time to play computer games, he/she cannot study well. Parents wish their children to learn more useful knowledge in school and have big achievements in the future. The children could not let them be disappointing and thus they should not play computer games. I have a friend called Chen Cheng. He was a clever boy and was a good student in the high school. But he learned to play computer games and addicted to the games. At last, His study fell behind other students and he even could not attend to a university. Therefore the computer games are bad for our study.



Third, playing computer games too much will cost a lot of money of their parents. Parents earn money difficultly. They work hard in the companies every day. If the children spend the money to play computer games, they will make their parents sad. Playing computer games costs a lot of money. This can be easily calculated. We ought to use the money to buy books rather than spend the money to play computer games.



To sum up, there are so many disadvantages for allowing the children to play computer games. I agree with the idea that we should not allow the children to play computer games.

liurui8802UID：2595045

Although （the invention of）删除更简洁 computer facilitates the work and life of human being, it also brings us some problems. Nowadays an increasing number of children learn how to play computer games and spend much time on (the games)them. It is not good for them to do so. Thus I agree with the opinion that children should not be allowed to play computer games.（the advent of computer facilitates our work and life,but so does it bring us some problems.we have seen an staggering increase in the number of children who play computer games.and we have witnessed the heated debate about it.as far as I am concerned,yongsters should not be allowed to play computer games)
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First of all, playing computer games too much is harmful to our health. An investigation in Hong Kong University shows that if a person plays computer games 6 hours a day, the person's health may be broken down in a month. This is because that playing computer games is not only bad for our eyes but also bad for our body. There are a lot of radiations coming from the computer screen. The situation(what situation?感觉有点指代不明） is even worse for children. We know that the children often have less self-control than adults. Thus they may addict be addicted to the interesting games more easily.  z" _' U4 t) \# V' z! g/ b
Therefore, it is so dangerous to allow the children to play computer games and we should not allow them to play them.(First of all,playing computer games can do harm to children's health.A study carried out by experts in Hongkong University indicates that radiation coming from screen,long hours in front of computer result in poor eyesight and disease.As children are more likely to be addicted to computer games, they are more likely to suffer from these disease.)2 m0 D2 z0 y; v8 T; _( L
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Second, playing computer games too much may take much time of the children. So the children cannot have enough time to study and their grades of examinations may fall down(So their performance on exams may be poorer,感觉这样更地道些）. The prior duty of children is study. If a child spends his/her most of his  time to playplaying computer games, he/she cannot study well.(这句话跟前面的有重复） Parents wish their children to learn more useful knowledge in school and tohave big achievements in the future. The children could not let them be disappointing let them down and thus they should not play computer games. I have a friend called Chen Cheng. He was a clever boy and was a good student in the high school. But he learned to play computer games and becomeaddicted to them(避免重复）. At last, His study fell behind other students andso that he even could not attend (to)删掉 (a) any university. Therefore the computer games are bad for our study.(second,the more time teenagers spend on computer games, the less they have for their study,and the poorer their performance on exams.the priority for a student is to aim high and to acquire esssential knowledge for a better future.undoubtedly children playing computer games too much will not fullfill this duty and let their parents down,例子。。。）8 O+ A1 T7 v8 _4 b3 ^

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Third, playing computer games too much will cost a lot of money of their(指代不明） parents. Parents earn money difficultly（太CHIGLISH 改为parents work hard to earn money）. They work hard in the companies every day删掉. If the children spend the money (to play)　on playing computer games, they will make their parents sad. Playing computer games costs a lot of money. This can be easily calculated.(重复，前面说过，可以换个方式，或者删掉） We ought to use the money to buy books rather than spend the money (to play) on computer games. (third,playing computer games is quite costy,说些例子。。。teenagers spending generously on such things may not realize how hard their parents work to give them pocket money.It will be too late when they grow up and find that what a waste it was on time as well as on money.)
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To sum up, there are (so)可删掉 many disadvantages for allowing the children to play computer games. I agree with the idea that we should not allow the children to play computer games.（换个说法，否则与开头重复）


另外，文章里面有时用children's,有时用our.感觉还是通用第三人称写作比较好，但是要注意最好换着表达“孩子”的意思。比如用teenager,yongsters,etc.
文章多有重复的地方，一句话一个意思反复说，这样虽然可以，但也要避免重复用一种表达方式。
最后，文章中有的句子感觉不地道，建议楼主换些方式表达。

lijr03UID：2522963

真是太感谢了，谢谢你的帮忙。我学到了很多。

奔跑蜗牛UID：2579189

话说lss的童鞋很热心 改得很好
楼主 采纳建议后在重新整理下

liurui8802UID：2595045

对了 忘了说 这次修改不算在两次义务修改里面的 纯粹互相学习指教 希望回改哦 3# lijr03

lijr03UID：2522963

谢谢大家。好的，我明天下午改吧，可能改得不好，呵呵。

chelseajcoleUID：2589519

Although the invention of computer facilitates the work and life of human being, it also brings us some problems. Nowadays ,an increasing number of children learn how to play computer games(孩子打游戏不是天性所致吗？为什么“学习”，改为immerge into)and spend much time on the games. It is not good for them to do so. Thus I agree with the opinion that children should not be allowed to play computer games.

First of all, playing computer games too much is harmful to our health. An investigation in Hong Kong University shows that if a person plays computer games 6 hours a day, the person's health may be broken down in a month. This is because that playing computer games is not only bad for our eyes but also bad(harmful) for body. There are a lot of radiations(radiations是可数名词吗？) coming from the computer screen.（liquid crystal display） The situation is even worse for children. We know that the children often have less self-control than adults. Thus they may addict to the interesting games more easily.
Therefore, (前一句用THUS 这里有是THEREFORE，逻辑上好像有点混乱，把句首改成：Obviously)it is so dangerous to allow the children to play computer games and we should not allow them to play them.

Second, playing computer games too much may take much time of the children. So the children cannot have enough time to study and their grades of examinations may fall down.(这里存在逻辑漏洞吧，很多时间玩游戏并不代表没有足够的时间学习，而没有足够的时间学习并不必然学习成绩差吧) The prior duty of children is study. If a child spends his/her most time to(on) play(ing) computer games, he/she cannot study well.(重复上面说的了) Parents wish（虚拟语气?） their children to learn more useful knowledge in school and have big(reach magnificent) achievements in the future. The children could not let them be disappointing and thus they should not play computer games. (为什么感觉一直有逻辑漏洞，为什么孩子就一定要让父母满意呢？)I have a friend called Chen Cheng. He was a clever boy and was a good student（be+adj.+ N and be +adj.+N，是否可以这样写，Chen Cheng,one of my best friends,who own the apititude of study ） and (always rank top 10 )in the high school. (but fell behind other students in that he play computer games day and night and addicted to the games incurablely.At last,he lost chance of recruited by any universities)). But he learned to play computer games and addicted to the games. At last, His study fell behind other students and he even could not attend to a university. Therefore the computer games are bad for our study.

Third, playing computer games too much will cost a lot of money of their(our) parents. Parents earn money difficultly. (parents work hard to earn money )They work hard in the companies every day.(难道父母就不能在工厂工作的吗？) If the children spend the money to play computer games, they will make their parents sad. Playing computer games costs a lot of money.（举个例子说说怎么花钱） This can be easily calculated.(干嘛要算啊，就是花的多嘛) We ought to use the money to buy books rather than spend the money to play computer games. （不一定要买书啊，用在该用的地方就可以，MONEY是用USE来接的吗?）（见笑了，该的不好）                                       ------By Chelseajcole

lijr03UID：2522963

谢谢 Chelseajcole 仔细的修改。确实有很多地方没有写好，我觉得主要问题是句式太简单，用词太少。呵呵