【09年1月-4月】TOEFL作文互改小组-之【TWE作文】2月1号作业 by lijr03

lijr03UID: 2522963

第一次写综合作文，还请大家多多指点，谢谢！

In the reading passage, the writer says that it has many benefits to adapt the new policy that requiring companies to offer their employees the option of working a four-day workweek. However, in the lecture, the speaker does not agree with the opinion. There are three main reasons.

First of all, the speaker says that the companies cannot make more profits. This is because if the companies allow the workers to work four days a week, the companies may have to employ more workers. What's more, the new workers need to be trained and it also cost money to train new employees. Thus it may be reduce the profits of the companies rather than increase the profits.

Second, the speaker says that applying this new policy may not increase the employment rate of the country. This is because that many companies may not hire new workers since hire new workers will cost the companies a lot of money. They may require the workers to do the same amount of work in four days rather than five days.

Finally, the quality of personal life may not be promoted. This is because that if the new policy is applied, the pressure of work of the workers may increase. The workers are afraid of losing their work. Furthermore, if the economic is not good, the companies like to leave the workers who wish to work five days rather than four days.

ddcmj519UID: 176326

1# lijr03

In the reading passage, the writer says that it has many benefits to adapt the new policy that requiring companies to offer their employees the option of working a four-day workweek. However, in the lecture, the speaker does not agree with the opinion. There are three main reasons.

First of all, the speaker says句式重复，而且该用said that the companies cannot make more profits. This is because if the companies allow the workers to work four days a week, the companies may have to employ more workers. What's more, the new workers need to be trained and it also cost money to train new employees. Thus it may be reduce the profits of the companies rather than increase the profits

Secondly, the speaker says that applying this new policy may not increase the employment rate of the country. This is because that many companies may not hire new workers since hire new workers will cost the companies a lot of money. They may require the workers to do the same amount of work in four days rather than five days.

Finally, the quality of personal life may not be promoted. This is because that if the new policy is applied, the pressure of work of the workers may increase. The workers are afraid of losing their work. Furthermore, if the economic is not good, the companies like to leave the workers who wish to work five days rather than four days.

条例很清晰，但是句式过于重复。。需要注意，在写的时候留心，多想下换个结构即可。

lijr03UID: 2522963

多谢修改和提醒

水晶小鱼UID: 2471655

2# ddcmj519

这个问题对我也比较confusing，于是我看了OG的5分范文
以前不知道是该说the apeaker said that还是the speaker says that...

现在查了OG225业，明白了，童鞋我们应该在表达听力文章说什么什么的时候用现在时，应为范文是这么写的：the lecturer talks about...  He says that...etc.

lijr03UID: 2522963

谢谢大家帮忙

水晶小鱼UID: 2471655

首先道歉下这么晚才改，因为下午同学聚会去了。。。实在抱歉。。。

In the reading passage, the writer says that it has many benefits to adapt the new policy that requiring companies to offer their employees the option of working a four-day workweek. However, in the lecture, the speaker does not agree with the opinion. There are three main reasons.


First of all, the speaker says that the companies cannot make more profits(这里不太对，应该是利润不增反而会下降，而不是不能生成更多的利润). This is because if the companies allow the workers to work four days a week, the companies may have to employ more workers. What's more,
(感觉这里的逻辑关系也不对，不能用what’s more, what’s more是并列吧，而听力中说，因为要雇佣更多的工人所以要花钱在。。。上，是因果关系，推到而出的，用hence是不是更好些?) the new workers need to be trained and it will
also cost money to train new employees.
(这句话前后两次都提到了train the new worker, 太重复了，恩，还有，听力中提到的花钱的地方不只是训练的费用，还有医疗费用，办公室地方不足以及更多的电脑，这个写的不完整) Thus it may be
(/ 去掉，不应使用被动语态) reduce the profits of the companies rather than increase the profits.

Second, the speaker says that applying this new policy may not increase the employment rate of the country. This is because that many companies may not hire new workers since hire (hiring) new workers will cost the companies a lot of money. They may require the workers to do the same amount of work in four days rather than five days.
第二点你的首句观点是对的，the speaker says that applying this new policy may not increase the employment rate of the country.但是我感觉后面教授说不会增加就业率的主要原因是老板会期望四天工作日的员工在四天内把五天的活都干完，期望值增高了，而且会让员工加班。这个用了很大的篇幅在讲，所以是不是应该作为主要内容写进去？

Finally, the quality of personal life (谁的personal life？) may not be promoted (一般用improve 吧，这个我也不太清楚). This is because that (语法错误) if the new policy is applied, the pressure of work of the workers may increase. The workers are afraid of losing their work. Furthermore, if the economic is not good, the companies like to leave (公司更愿意提升愿意五天工作的人，不是leave) the workers who wish to work five days rather than four days.
这一段听力的主要也没太把握号，听力中主要是说了，四天工作的人自己生活质量不会改善的因为公司更愿意用那些五天工作的人做管理工作，这样可以使公司更稳定，这样，那些工作四天的人提升的机会就少了，甚至很可能成为第一批被裁员的人。

恩，如楼上所说，感觉lz的主题把握的还是很好的，驳斥的主要三点也能够很好的找到，但是驳斥的理由却不是很全很对，听力笔记一定要记好啊，把握听力的重要内容。关于楼上提的句式单调的问题，建议lz多练习，总结自己的模板，使用不同的动词。

lijr03UID: 2522963

多谢你仔细的修改，确实有很多地方没写好，我再看看