TOEFL 4—6月Dark_Tournament写作小组 天使左路 第七次作业

天使左路UID: 2606987

Do you agree with the following statement: nowadays people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do.
I show my disagreement to this statement.Someone would say that sentiment must be controled by reason,so they consider
that things they should do are the real need in their lives.For example,Jack have a dream to become a entrepreneur,so he devoted himself to improving his economic theory and skills by involing in many society investigations.Unluckily,his father prefers him to be a cytological professor and forces him to do a lot of biological experiments in the lab.Though Jcak does the works bided by his strict father who wants his son to become a drogan in the future,he feels very upset everyday and has no passion on his biological jobs..Eventually he can neither make his dream nor his father’s come true,though he is a smart boy.
According to this story ,we can know that,though Jack loves his father and and trys his best to do the things he should do,but,he can’t get any antainment at last.Why?Because he don’t have the cardinal thing when he spend his time in doing this things.what’s that thing? Heart,mybe we can say passion.
A person is willing to share his time in personal enjoyment,which testifys that he want to make some differentces in this field or learn some skills to streghten his capacity. Responsibility is an important thing in the life but it is not the most important one.We need responsibility becanse we have to earn some money or other material to assure our life.That’s said that what we just do is making sure we can have enough time to get enough money to support our life.How much time you should spend depends on which life you want to undergo.So,to somebody,it is very commonpalce that his time spent on his personal enjoyment is more than it spent on other thing.
Actually,a person prefers to do what he likes ,which may not bring him phycical materials but mental enjoyment.To becoming a teaher,when you like it ,you will enjoy the feeling from overcoming a frusctration instead of complaining about it.when you like to do sometings,just do it.

幻风炎UID: 2524862

I show my disagreement to this statement.Someone would say that sentiment must be controled by reason,so they consider that things they should do are the real need in their lives.For example,Jack have a dream to become a(an)entrepreneur,so he devoted himself to improving his economic theory(theoretical ability) and skills by involing(involving) in many society investigations(你这里想表达社会实践么？用social activities or social practice比较合适).Unluckily,his father prefers him to be a cytological professor and forces him to do a lot of biological experiments in the lab.Though Jcak does the works bided by his strict father who wants his son to become a drogan in the future,he feels very upset everyday and has no passion on his biological jobs..（这句话有点不通啊，我觉得这样表达可能会好一点Though he conceded and fully accomplished the assignment come from his strict father, but he cannot obtain any happyness from it.Because it is not his own preference. He has no passion on it.）Eventually he can neither make his dream nor his father’s come true(句子是对的，但是我觉得这样表达比较臃肿，可以这样表达，也许会好一点，There is no doubt that both of the dreams will not come ture),though he is a smart boy.
According to this story ,we can know that,though Jack loves his father and and trys his best to do the things he should do,but,he can’t get any antainment(attainment) at last.Why?Because he don’t have the cardinal thing when he spend his time in(on) doing this things.what’s that thing? Heart,mybe we can say passion(maybe we can call it passion). A person is willing to share(share不合适，use，spend，engage，cost都可以) his time in personal enjoyment,which testifys that he want to make some differentces（表达初出众用make difference就好了） in this field or（and） learn some skills to streghten his capacity. Responsibility is an important thing in the life but it is not the most important one.（Responsibility is an important thing in the life but not the most important one.）We need responsibility becanse we have to earn some money or other material to assure our life.That’s said that what we just do is making sure we can have enough time to get enough money to support our life.How much time you should spend depends on which life you want to undergo.（spend on what？）So,to somebody,it is very commonpalce that his time spent on his personal enjoyment is more than it spent on other thing.
Actually,a person prefers to do what he likes ,which may not bring him phycical materials but mental enjoyment.To becoming a teaher,when you like it ,you will enjoy the feeling from overcoming a frusctration instead of complaining about it.when you like to do sometings,just do it.
总结：个人认为，你的文章，结构比较凌乱。
首先第一段过长。
其次，你主要是通过jack的例子来证明，人是要承担责任，但是这个责任可能不是自己喜欢的，擅长的，所以不会有成就，不会快乐，因此人们应该做自己喜欢做的事，但是举例过于累赘。我认为最好是开头第一句，表明态度，然后简短的叙述例子，再分析例子。
最后，这篇文章的论点只有一个，各个段落都是在讲同一个论点。。
建议：多增加论点，举例尽量精炼，结构清晰。
本人水平有限，如果有改的不适当的地方，请指正

天使左路UID: 2606987

真谢谢你啊，我英语比较差，我是抱着学习的心态来的，多谢指点 2# 幻风炎

capricon2006UID: 2278984

首先指出一个问题，贴文时请先放进WORD把文中低级错误修改了
我把你的文章放进WORD，改格式和错字就改了半天！！你这文中的错字也太多了，还有两个and放一起的这种错误……:L

明天改好再贴上

天使左路UID: 2606987

谢谢指正，因为是第一次贴文，而且几年来第一篇文章，自己都觉得不堪入目，但以后会更加努力 4# capricon2006

capricon2006UID: 2278984

I show my disagreement to this statement. Someone would say that sentiment must be controled(controlled) by reason, so they consider that things they should do are the real need in their lives. For example, Jack have(has) a dream to become a(an) entrepreneur, so he devoted himself to improving his economic theory and skills by involing(involving) in many society investigations.Unluckily, his father prefers him to be a cytological professor and forces him to do a lot of biological experiments in the lab. Though Jcak(Jack) does the works bided by(abided by?) his strict father who wants his son to become a drogan(??) in the future, he feels very upset everyday and has no passion on his biological jobs. Eventually he can neither make his dream nor his father’s come true, though he is a smart boy.

According to this story, we can know that, though Jack loves his father and trys(tries) his best to do the things he should do, but, he can’t get any antainment(attainment) at last. Why? Because he don’t have the cardinal thing when he spend his time in doing this(these) things. What’s that thing? Heart, mybe we can say passion. ! (mybe we can call it passion. ! )

A person is willing to share his time in personal enjoyment, which testifys(什么意思？) that he want to make some differences(make differences) in this field or learn some skills to streghten his capacity. Responsibility is an important thing in the life but it is not the most important one. We need responsibility becanse we have to earn some money or other material to assure our life（lives）. That's said that what we just do is making sure we can have enough time to get enough money to support our life(lives). How much time you should spend depends on which life you want to undergo. So, to somebody, it is very common place that his time spent on his personal enjoyment is more than it spent on other things.

Actually, a person prefers to do what he likes, which may not bring him physical materials but mental enjoyment. To becoming a teaher, when you like it, you will enjoy the feeling from overcoming a frustration instead of complaining about it. when you like to do sometings, just do it.


总结：
1，全文错字太多，不下于20处！！
2，语句基本通顺，也用到不少单词
3，结构混乱。其实我也不反对你破除八股式写法，不过我觉得写出来的文章至少应该有条有理，做到连贯，而本文感觉太过零散，没有主线……   另外，我认为你举出JACK的那个例子并不能证明你的观点。可能what one should do 的理解或许不同吧～