[TOEFL 4—6月Dark_Tournament写作小组 gundammole 第八次作业]

gundammoleUID: 2300958

Nowadays when it comes to a vital topic of whether it is more important to use land for human need than to save land for endangered animals, there are always different viewpoints among the general public in society.

It is commonly and widely thought by a majority of people that they believe our first aim is using more land of creating a better world for human need, such as building more skyscrapers in order to create more job openings.

On the other side, it must admit that other people may think otherwise. According to them, helping the endangered animals means helping our endangered world, that’s why they put saving land for endangered animals on the first place. Honestly, given the chance, I would prefer the latter one. As a result, I can raise some remarkable viewpoints as follows. It has been investigated that there is a growing number of extinct animals in the world. Human activities affected them a lot including cutting trees, using nature land for individuals need and too much hunting. Personally, animals are part of my friends, that’s why I don’t support that people should be too selfish to leave our friends alone. They need our help. Furthermore, can you image a world without other animals except human beings? As a matter of fact, the majority of animals are playing the role in balancing our ecology. If they are dying, we are dying. That’s why it is a myopia idea of forcing any of them into extinction for using more land for human needs rather than saving them. Last but not least, there are so many warnings on the internet that our planet is in danger, if we can’t save land for endangered animals we will be in danger. Please think about your descendants, try to create a better world for them.

As discussed so far, saving land for extinct animals and saving our endangered world is the most important thing in my view point. Actually, we can search for other ways to reduce the need of human being or make full use of our land and energy, but extinct animals will not be alive anymore. If one day, we lose the ecology balance on our planet, that means we will lose our world soon.

P.S.本人作文的分数通常不高，所以请大家狠狠的改，多提宝贵建议。用了些IBT的模板，不知道考试用模板会不会影响成绩。

qiangweiciUID: 2478469

Nowadays when it comes to a vital topic of whether it is more important to use land for human need than to save land for endangered animals, there are always different viewpoints among the general public in society.4It is commonly and widely thought by a majority of people that they believe our first aim is using more land of creating a better world for human need, such as building more skyscrapers in order to create more job openings. On the other side, it must admit that other people may think otherwise. According to them, helping the endangered animals means helping our endangered world, that’s why they put saving land for endangered animals on the first place. Honestly, given the chance, I would prefer the latter one. As a result,（In order to state my position,） I can raise some remarkable viewpoints as follows.
It has been investigated that there is a growing number of extinct animals in the world. Human activities affected(affects) them a lot including cutting trees, using nature land for individuals(individual) need and too much hunting(hunting animals 在排比中最好采用同样的句法结构). Personally, animals are part of(a part of) my（our） friends, that’s why I don’t support that people should be too selfish to leave our friends alone.(这句话不太好理解哦，建议作者更改一下 that’s why I strongly disapprove the selfish behavior of leaving our friends alone) They need our help. Furthermore, can you image a world without other animals except human beings(a living world without other species)? As a matter of fact, the majority of animals are playing the(a) role in balancing our ecology(ecological system). If they are dying, we are dying.(这句话有些问题，不能这样表达If they all go into extinction gradually,we’ll fall into the same situation one day) That’s why it is a myopia idea of forcing any of them into extinction for using more land for human needs rather than saving them. Last but not least, there are so many warnings on the internet that our planet is in danger, if we can’t save land for endangered animals we will be in danger. Please think about your descendants, try to create a better world for them. 9 J% W0 K# t6 X* k

As discussed so far, saving land for extinct animals and saving our endangered world is the most important thing in my view point. Actually, we can search for other ways to reduce the need of human being or make full use of our land and energy, but extinct animals will not be alive anymore. If one day, we lose the ecology(ecological) balance on our planet, that means we will lose our world soon.

犯了一个比较严重的毛病哦，就是头太大了。建议以后将introduction和自己的观点都在第一段引出，不要分段写这两部分，过于冗长了，容易淹没主体部分。其他的都还好，只是语句表达上还可以做的更好，一起加油！！！. {9 C/ d! Y, h# Q  N% Z
fa

gundammoleUID: 2300958

2# qiangweici

呵呵，好的，非常感谢！我会注意的～

welsonUID: 2206903

弱问怎么在坛子里改作文呀，怎么操作

gundammoleUID: 2300958

4# welson

把别人的作文复制下来在word里改好，再在你修改的文章的帖下面回复就行了～

qing200UID: 2507993

Nowadays when it comes to a vital topic of whether it is more important to use land for human need than to save land for endangered animals, there are always different viewpoints among the general public in society.
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: E8 k, p9 g' c. M9 g4 c+ aIt is commonly and widely thought by a majority of people that they believe our first aim is using more land of creating a better world for human need, such as building more skyscrapers in order to create more job openings.
; X) T* v. s, i% b% s9 w) r9 O% o( k* M& g# O, S4 P
On the other side, it must(+be) admited that other people may think otherwise. According to them, helping the endangered animals means helping our endangered world, that’s why they put saving land for endangered animals on the first place. Honestly, given the chance, I would prefer the latter one. (这里你说的是people的想法，但没有明确的把opinion 列出来为第一个，第二个，似乎thelatter one 指代不明)As a result, I can raise some remarkable viewpoints as follows. It has been investigated that there is a growing number of extinct animals in the world. Human activities affected them a lot including cutting trees, using nature land for individuals need and too much hunting. Personally, animals are part of my friends, that’s why I don’t support that people should be too selfish to leave our friends alone（leave alone 是不管它，不打扰的意思吧，似乎不合适， 就是因为人们的太多干预导致很多物种extict）. They need our help. Furthermore, can you image a world without other animals except human beings? As a matter of fact, the majority of animals are playing the role in balancing our ecology. If they are dying, we are dying. That’s why it is a myopia idea of forcing any of them into extinction for using more land for human needs rather than saving them. Last but not least, there are so many warnings on the internet that our planet is in danger, if we can’t save land for endangered animals we will be in danger.（和 we are dying 重复） Please think about your descendants, trying to create a better world for them. + _& h' j$ Y% V" S, c
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As discussed so far, saving land for extinct animals and saving our endangered world is the most important thing in my view point. Actually, we can search for other ways to reduce the need of human being or make full use of our land and energy, （前后两句矛盾， 前面说我们可以从一些方式减少土地的使用， 这样应该是对animal 有积极影响，后面这样没很大意义，灭绝的animal不会再活过来，那么意思好像是人们少用土地也没用了）but extinct animals will not be alive anymore. If one day, we lose the ecology balance on our planet, that means we will lose our world soon


文章总体结构不错，
每段的意思也还清晰，
但是有些表达有点模糊