TOEFL 4—6月Dark_Tournament写作小组 幻风炎第八次作业

幻风炎UID: 2524862

Nowadays, with the explosive increase of population, here comes an issue that which shall we prefer between using land on human beings and saving for endangered animals. I give priority to the later one, not because of compassion but for our own survival.
As you know, there were thousands of species have been extinct since we human have appeared, and the speed of extinction becomes more and more fast in the latest decades of years. Of course, we should not owe all these extinction to the human beings, but we, human beings, should concede that we have affected the environment, and accelerate this process. As long as we need more food, amounts of forests were cut down and turned into agricultural land. This means that millions of animals lost their dens, nests, caves and so on, they have no place to go, nor any food. It is hard for them to adjust to the environment that was suddenly changed by us. The only thing waits for them is death. How crude and egocentric it is!
In the other side of an equation, it is also a threat to us. With more and more lands were harried from animals that will lead to the much more demise of plenty of animals, and even result of extinction. Therefore, the natural balance will be disrupted which will change our life, too. More insect damage will happen, gnaw our crops that will also leads to food deficiency. This is a new circulation of encroaching land. It will endanger us as well.
Finally, I do not think use more land is the only way to solve current problems. We could put more attention on developing our technology, fully applying them. All problems will be settled.

grace.TTUID: 2534695

1# 幻风炎
Nowadays, with the explosive increase of population, here comes an issue that which shall we prefer between using land on human beings and saving for endangered animals. I give priority to the later one, not because of compassion but for our own survival.
第一段用自己的话解释了主题，并阐明了立场。　
As you know, there were thousands of species have been extinct since we human have appeared, and the speed of extinction becomes more and more fast in the latest decades of years. （这句话的语法是不是有点问题，你再确认一下）Of course, we should not owe all these extinction to the human beings, but we, human beings, should concede that we have affected the environment, and accelerate this process. As long as we need more food, amounts of forests were cut down and turned into agricultural land. This means that millions of animals lost their dens, nests, caves and so on, they have no place to go, nor any food. It is hard for them to adjust to the environment that was suddenly changed by us. The only thing waits for them is death. How crude and egocentric it is!（好词，我也爱用这词儿!呵呵）
In the other side of an equation, it is also a threat to us. With more and more lands were harried from animals that will lead to the much more demise of plenty of animals, and even result of extinction. Therefore, the natural balance will be disrupted which will change our life, too. More insect(加s，昆虫可数)damage will happen, gnaw our crops that will also leads to food deficiency. This is a new circulation of encroaching land. It will endanger us as well.
2、3段从正反两方面论证，例子举得也是“平易近人”～
Finally, I do not think use more land is the only way to solve current problems. We could put more attention on developing our technology, fully applying them. All problems will be settled.
结尾提出了自己对解决问题的建议。
整篇文章结构清晰，考虑问题全面。Detail support 也有，但字数只有290words，为保险起见，建议还是后三段再分别扩充一些！

capricon2006UID: 2278984

Nowadays, with the explosive increase of population, here comes an issue that which shall we prefer between using land on human beings and saving for endangered animals. I give priority to the later one, not because of compassion but for （of）our own survival. （第一段不错）
As you know, there were(删除) thousands of species have been extinct since we human have appeared(appeared), and the speed of extinction becomes more and more fast in the latest decades of years(decade). Of course, we should not owe all these extinction to the human beings, but we, human beings, should concede that we have affected(have been affecting) the environment, and accelerate this process.（此处不连贯） As long as we need more food, amounts of forests were cut down and turned into agricultural land. This means that millions of animals lost their dens, nests, caves and so on, they have no place to go, nor any food(以上这两句前后时态均不一致). It is hard for them to adjust to the environment that was suddenly changed （has been changed a lot）by us. The only thing waits for them is death. How crude and egocentric it is！

In the other side of an equation（the balance，天平的另一端。如果表平衡，生态学中的专业术语为“equilibrium”）, it is also a threat to us. With more and more lands were harried from animals that will lead to the much more demise of plenty of animals, and even result of extinction(此句貌似不通). Therefore, the natural balance will be disrupted（我的生态学课本上一直用disturbed） which will change our life, too. More insect damage（insect pests 虫害） will happen, gnaw(用devour是不是更好？) our crops that will also leads to food deficiency（粮食短缺用dearth）. This is a new circulation of encroaching land. It will endanger us as well.

Finally, I do not think use（using，这错误也太低级了吧？！） more land is the only way to solve current problems. We could put more attention on developing（improving） our technology, fully applying them. All problems will be settled.

小结：
1：第一段比较出彩
2：第二段时态混乱。建议可以把语法中此章看一遍，注意自我修改，文中如此多的时态错误应该好好反思一下。PS:我也经常翻语法书的。
3：第三段中出现几个固定用法的错误。这个需要长期积累，话说我也因为正好是学生态学，才发现你的这些问题。有一些你完成作文后可以查一下，比如“虫害”金山词霸上就有。
4：另外，我认为兄台对句子的整体把握一般，建议可以找一些长句子尝试提取主干。想最后一段“using”这种错误高中生都不应该犯……

貌似批的有点重的，不过希望对你有点用处，最后问好！

幻风炎UID: 2524862

3# capricon2006
非常感谢的你修改，我觉得说的很中肯，我今后一定会注意你说的时态问题
谢谢你。