〓DIES IN FLAMS〓issue范文分析---tracywlz

tracywlzUID: 2522388

Issue test1
"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."

6
Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools, has a long history.
Ever since Erg the caveman first conked an animal with a rock, people have been using technology.For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed people to move ever closer together.Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes.Only very lately have Erg's descendants come to question the benefits of technology.The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread technologies that mechanized many tasks.As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine.Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automation's operating machinery in grim factories.

The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous.They have made work ever more efficient and knit the world together in a web of information and phone lines.Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.
He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.Hungry?Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.Bored?Download a new game.And yet...[Concessive idea]

Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision.
Erg may be doing work, but is it real work?Are his online friends real friends?Does anything count in a spiritual way if it's just digital?Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, soulless.
The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangeable data.We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends.We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them.In short, the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis that has been building for quite some time.

As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technology's original result.A better plow meant easier farming, more food, longer lives, and more free time to pursue other things such as art.Our newest technology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time.We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other.We stay safe, and lonely, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.

While I am certainly not a Luddite, I do believe we need to look for a bit more balance between technology and life.We have to tear ourselves away from the fatal distractions and go out into the world.Technology has given us long lives and endless supplies of information.Now we need to apply that information, use the time we're not spending conking our dinner with a club, and find our reasons for living.

COMMENTARY
This outstanding response displays cogent reasoning, insightful, persuasive analysis, and superior control of language.
The essay immediately identifies the complexities of the issue and then playfully explores both the benefits and the drawbacks of technological developments over the course of human history.
The writer maintains that a "balance between technology and life" is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.


这篇给我印象最深刻的就是其的逻辑之缜密。注意看我用绿色标记的几个词。每个小词的使用都暗示了作者的观点。所以如果我们写作能达到这种层次，偏题估计也很难啊。呵呵

附我关于此题的小小提纲~~

tracywlzUID: 2522388

"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."


1。孤独是一种感觉，是我们对自身状态的一种看法，是我们衡量自身以外界沟通的程度的标准。科技不能使我们是否孤独，它只能创造条件，给我们更多选择。
2。诚然，当今社会很多人感到孤独是因为把更多的时间和精力花费在高科技创造的另一种环境里，减少了自己和别人传统方式的面对面的沟通交流。而在以前的社会，我们无法进入一个可许多人共享的虚拟世界，因此，因为缺少直接交流而产生的孤独感会少了很多。所以从有足够的时间机会直接沟通生活来说，科技的发展使我们和人们面对面的交流减少，从这个层次上我们的确更孤独。
3。但是，不能忽视的是，我们能够选择如何使用科技，如果当一个人想发泄或者表达自己的思想的时候较少的选择通过高科技手段，而是直接和周围的人诉说。或者说不把通过虚拟视窗的交流当作一种在现实中的孤独，高科技并不能增加我们的孤独感。
4。此外，对于一部分人，科技的进步是减少了他们的孤独感。以前，人们通常认为残疾人比较孤独，因为他们不便于或者人们不愿意或难以和他们交流，但是如今因为高科技，聋哑的人可以通过电脑输入看到文字与人交流；失明的人可以某种特殊的盲文显示或者机器传输的某种刺激来与人交流；残疾人也不要担心对方因为看到他某方面的缺失而产生害怕感，因为他可以选择自己的虚拟头像。像霍金，如果没有高科技的帮助，他无法将自己的思想表达给全世界，也无法知道别人的反应，因此，是高科技，让他不再孤独。
5。总之，虽然我不是一个对虚拟社区取代现实生活的拥护者，但是，我还是相信，科技的发展可以给我们提供更多的沟通方式，是否会增加我们的孤独感，要看我们如何很好的利用它。

tracywlzUID: 2522388

Issue test2
"The media (books, film, music, television, for example) tend to create rather than reflect the values of a society."

6
For our grandparents it occurred through films and books.For the baby boomers it was a result of television and revolutionary music.No matter how the impact took place, it is clear that since its very advent, the media have played a crucial role in not simply being representative of the values of our society but creating them as well.

During the roaring twenties Americans found themselves in a struggle between the old ways of their ancestors and the new ways of the future.The once steadfast beliefs that men and women should not touch while dancing, and that ladies should not drink or smoke were suddenly being challenged.From where was all this rebellion stemming?Partly it was due to the returning doughboys from the shores of Europe bringing home revolutionary ideas they had encountered while at war.Nonetheless, returning soldiers could not be held responsible for the social upheaval that America experienced.
There had to be another cause, and there was, the media. Although the films of the era were silent they spoke volumes to the society for which they were created.Women in these movies wore their hemlines a few inches shorter than the decade before them and they wore cosmetics to accentuate their new bobbed haircuts.The movies, as well as the books of that era, demonstrated a new materialistic attitude that America had never before experienced.Films portrayed every character as having the money to buy a new car, drink, smoke and partake in the leisure’s of life, a philosophy that was soon adopted by the youth of the decade.The use of the media in the twenties was to serve as a catalyst for the revolutionary ideas that were circulating.The films and books of that era sped America along its path of change that eventually led to the greatest social unrest that the United States had ever known.

Unlike the twenties, the sixties and seventies utilized the media in a way that appealed to those searching for truth in a lost and confused world.Martin Luther King Jr.realized the impact of the media on society during his campaign for civil rights.King urged his followers to withstand any abuse that they might encounter because the media will take their peacefulness into the homes of their society.
By doing so, King successfully began to change the traditional view of race.Americans began to sympathize with the protesters because of the undeserved turmoil they faced at the hands of the government.As a result, America relinquished the Jim Crow laws and saw many other groups press for their individual rights as well.
Television cameras rolled as Cesar Chavez organized the migrant workers in California and as Bella Abzug and Gloria Steinham linked arms to protest the lack of women's rights.

While the media helped to shape some attitudes about racism and gender it also helped to uncover the truth behind government lies.
During the Nixon

COMMENTARY
This is an outstanding response, even though it is not quite finished.The writer's views on the issue are so cogent, well articulated, and well developed that the writer was not penalized for failing to provide a conclusion.What matters is the quality of thinking and writing displayed, not whether an essay is totally finished or has a certain number of words.

The writer's skill is apparent in the opening lines.The first words, "For our grandparents it occurred," immediately spark the reader's interest.The quick repetition of sentence structure and, once again, the intentionally vague use of "it" ("For the baby boomers it was") effectively draw the reader in.By the third sentence, we know that this essay will address the complexity of the issue ("not simply being representative??? but creating them as well") and that the writer is fully in command of this discussion.

The rest of the essay addresses the influence of historical events and media on the values of modern society, from the "roaring twenties" to the "sixties and seventies."
Insightful analysis accompanies the historical references.
For example, the writer persuasively argues that prominent figures (King, but also Chavez, Abzug, and Steinham) advanced their social agendas by capitalizing on the power of the media to change public opinion.

Throughout the essay, the writer uses language and syntax effectively.
Word choice is precise ("cosmetics to accentuate their new bobbed haircuts"), sentences are structured to communicate ideas clearly ("There had to be another cause, and there was, the media"), and transitional phrases help move the argument forward ("Unlike the twenties, the sixties????" and "By doing so, King successfully began to change the traditional view of race.")

Occasional errors do appear (e.g., note the lack of logical comparison in "women??? wore their hemlines??? shorter than the decade before them"), but they are not intrusive.

Other 6 essays might be more fully developed; indeed, this essay would be stronger if the writer had gone on to discuss the media's role in Nixon's Watergate scandal and to bring the argument to its conclusion.
However, even in its unfinished state, the essay does present an insightful, well-articulated discussion of the issue.

看完这篇文章，我对作者和判卷者无比佩服。一篇少了2段仅有491字的文章还可写得如此透彻，评判者还能慧眼识珠~~
本文最强的地方就是对比。从twenties, 和sixties and seventies；racism and gender和the truth behind government lies。而且开头很具有吸引力，用一种奇特的方式给media下了定义。而且词和短语的使用非常恰当，不得不说我非常期待看到Nixon后面的内容~再次向作者致敬~~
从此可看出，如果我们能有作者的功底，打字慢，没写完，也不再将阻止ETS将高分给我们了~~赫赫。思路和结构很重要~ETS被此人折服了~哈哈