ARGUMENT6 改过来了

zfzfzfzflnUID：2589335

斑竹，问几个问题：
1）是不是应该选出3个主要攻击点，然后其他的就不要估计了？我的这篇，是按照他的三句话来的，感觉不是按照攻击点写的。写的时候有时觉得展开多了，有时又觉得展开少了
2）让步我这么写可以吗，我自己总结了2个让步的句子：Even if it is granted  和  even if it is right...（第二个好弱） 你有什么好的吗
3）快考试了，望建议!


题目：ARGUMENT6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."
字数：561          用时：00:40:00          日期：2009-4-20 12:27:48
Merely based on the unfounded assumption and dubious evidence, the statemetnt draws the conclusion that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a enterprise with a tremendous profits. To substantiate this assertion, the arguer point out some evidences and results of surveys. At first glance, this argument appears to be somewhat convincing, but further reflection reveals that it omits some substantial concerns that should be addressed in the argument. From the logical perspective, this argument suffers from three logical flaws.
The threshold problem with this agrument is that the author doesn't consider the market problem comprehensivly. The author assumes that a jazz music club in Monroe would have the local market all to itself because the nearest jazz club is 65miles away. However, the author doesn't realize why the nearest jazz club is far away. Perhaps the number of people living in Monroe don't suit to build a jazz music club. Or perhaps, people live with each other far away in this area and they can not be gerneralized together easily. Wihout ruling out these scenarios disscussed above, the author can not conclude there is a good market for the new jazz music club.
Moreover, even if the problem above is granted, another problem that weakens the logic of this argument is that the auguer thinks jazz is very popular in Monroe. Firstly, the auguer cites that over 100,000 people attende Monroe's jazz festival last summer. Unless the auguer learn about the percent and number of local people in the whole people, the big numbers are not reliable to gain the conclusion. In addition, the auguer assumes that the highest-rated radio program, 'Jazz Nightly', in Monroe represents the thick atmosphere of jazz music. Common sense gives us some other possiblities. For example, if the radio program is not popular with people in Monroe, then the result can not be effective in support the recommendation. Even if the radio program is popular with people, a potential problem emerges to us that we can not assure the popular jazz music program will compete with the new club and affect the profits. Any of these scenarios, if true, would serve to undermine the recommendation.
Before I come to my conclusion, it is necessary to point the lat flaw involved in this argument is the false of changing scopes. The editor assumes that our nationwide study about the yearly expends of a jazz fan applies equally to the jazz fans in Monroe. Yet this might not be the case for a variety of possible reasons. Perhaps, the economy in Monroe is not so good that the people have little money to consume their hobbies. Or perhaps, the different ways of apperciate jazz music lead to a different costs. Without ruling out such possibilities, the author cannot justifiably conclude that jazz fans in Monroe also expend $1,000 per year.
To sum up, this arguer fails to substaintiate this claim that a new jazz music club is a company with good profits because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the auguer maintains. To make the argument more convincing, the author should provide the more information about the market; In addtion, the economic level in Monroe should be considered comprehensivly. Therefore, if the argument had included the given factors discussed above, it would have been more thorough and logically acceptable.

irvine666UID：2575525

ARGUMENT6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."
字数：561          用时：00:40:00          日期：2009-4-20 12:27:48

Merely based on the unfounded assumption and dubious evidence, the statemetnt draws the conclusion that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a enterprise with a tremendous profits. To substantiate this assertion, the arguer point out some evidences and results of surveys(红色的两句意思重复了). At first glance, this argument appears to be somewhat convincing, but further reflection reveals that it omits some substantial concerns that should be addressed in the argument.（这句话毫无意义，完全可以砍掉） From the logical perspective, this argument suffers from three logical flaws.（建议一下：我看到你写到现在还是超时，因此完全可以考虑把一些擦边的论述和凑字数的句子给砍掉，为正文的思考腾出时间。字数不是越多越好，很多意义不大的句子只会弱化你的正文论述。）

The threshold problem with this agrument is that the author doesn't consider the market problem comprehensivly. The author assumes that a jazz music club in Monroe would have the local market all to itself because the nearest jazz club is 65miles away. （这句话也属于照抄原文但是对你的TS没有strong support的凑字数句子，考虑到考试时间有限，完全可以删除不要）However, the author doesn't realize why the nearest jazz club is far away（你的TS讨论的是Market condition,不是nearest jazz club，这句论述有些偏离主题了）. Perhaps the number of people（这个...不知道怎么说，好歹这地方是个小镇吧...你要说地形是山区或者靠海比较偏僻我都认了，number实在是不敢认同） living in Monroe don't suit to build a jazz music club（这个想法的角度很有趣，但是除开找错对象（number）以外，更需要further develop，否则没人知道why）. Or perhaps, people live with each other far away in this area and they can not be gerneralized together easily(所以他们不愿意跑过来聚会，宁可去65miles以外的地方？这个perhaps是完全无道理的，没有能够证明你的观点). Wihout ruling out these scenarios disscussed above, the author can not conclude there is a good market for the new jazz music club.（句式稍微有点单调，不过问题不大，AW是看思想～）

Moreover, even if the problem above is granted（直接用granted that...或者even if ...就行了，不必要把两个词混在一起用，常规让步从句完全可以满足你的要求，不必在这种句式上追求创新）, another problem that weakens the logic of this argument is that the auguer thinks jazz is very popular in Monroe. （这里有逻辑跳跃。前面一句强调的是another problem that weakens the logic of this argument ,也就是problem,后一句马上转到reason,这里最好加一句把problem和reason联系起来的论述。）Firstly, the auguer cites that over 100,000 people attende Monroe's jazz festival last summer.（同上） Unless the auguer learn about the percent and number of local people in the whole people, the big numbers are not reliable to gain the conclusion.（这种表述非把老美绕晕不可，什么percent and number...直接简单的说the number the author cited is not reliable to gain the conclusion because he failed to provide precise proportion多好...切记，老美都是单纯的弱智，你必须用最简单直接的方式表达最复杂的意思才对，看他们的GRE数学题就知道了。） In addition, the auguer assumes that the highest-rated radio program, 'Jazz Nightly', in Monroe represents the thick atmosphere of jazz music. Common sense gives us some other possiblities.（other possibilities是支持啥的？你这个in addition里面，分论点的TS都没有...） For example, if the radio program is not popular（not popular哪儿会有highest-rated?这个分论点整个都找错了...） with people in Monroe, then the result can not be effective in support the recommendation. Even if the radio program is popular with people, a potential problem emerges to us that we can not assure （that，宾语从句不能省略that,你需要复习一下这方面的语法） the popular jazz music program will compete with the new club and affect the profits.(还是那句话，why? 你写这篇A的目的是为了驳倒作者，说服读者，不是为了自娱自乐，因此必须确保每一个观点都得到有效的支持，否则不如放弃。) Any of these scenarios, if true, would serve to undermine the recommendation.（这段写的不好，观点不明确外加论述不集中，还有不少错误存在）

Before I come to my conclusion, it is necessary to point （that） the lat（看了3遍，我终于猜出它是last了...泣，在关键词上，这种拼写错误很致命！） flaw involved in this argument is the false of changing scopes（这是啥？没看明白...哦，看了后文明白了，你直接写“there might be opportunity that nationwide situation could indicate no precise condition in a particular region”不就完了么...干嘛搞这么复杂个主题句）. The editor assumes that our nationwide study about the yearly expends of a jazz fan applies equally to the jazz fans in Monroe. Yet this might not be the case for a variety of possible reasons. Perhaps, the economy in Monroe is not so good that the people have little money to consume their hobbies. Or perhaps, the different ways of apperciate jazz music lead to a different costs. Without ruling out such possibilities, the author cannot justifiably conclude that jazz fans in Monroe also expend $1,000 per year.(这段来看，后面的论述还不错，前面写的差了点)

To sum up, this arguer fails to substaintiate this claim that a new jazz music club is a company with good profits because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the auguer maintains. To make the argument more convincing, the author should provide the more information about the market; In addtion, the economic level in Monroe should be considered comprehensivly. Therefore, if the argument had included the given factors discussed above, it would have been more thorough and logically acceptable.（结尾不改，个人习惯～）