[5.6月份 cracking ibt essay! 小组写作组 lsr91 第2次作业]

lsr91UID: 2540702

When students are in their school, they would spend most of their days with teachers as well as  teachers'. Teachers are concentrate on their students' growing, not only on class, but also on lives maybe. In my opinion, whatever students' scores they got in list of tests, teachers' contributions should not be ignored. In other word, teachers should not be paid according to their students' performs.



Teachers' obligation is to make students' study perfect. I mean, this is their basic job. I think there is hardly possiblilty that teachers are not responsible for their jobs. At the same time, without discrimination, every student's intelligence is not same. So they would not be parallel to comprehend one same idea or formula on their classes. As a result, their scores of a same test would be different. Could you say that it is teachers' wrongs? Should the teachers who taught the students who didn't have a high score be paid low? Apparently not. In one word, the achievements of students are mainly based on the diligence of themselves.



Teachers pay attention to their students' growing. As I know, in my country, especially in some kindergartens, teachers always teach students how to have lunch courteous, how to start handle their ability of lives. (我这里想说提高自己的生活自理能力，可能不太对~)
In other hand, teachers in primary school, high school, particularly the latter, they would face to students' Psychological problems and so on. That seems like has surpass the boundary of teachers' duty.



In addition, I don't think money is a good scale of teachers' performance. People don't realize the value of teachers for social. I agree to describe teachers like gardeners because of their contribution to students. No matter what kind of students they teach, they would do the same. And the influences of teachers on students could not be scaled.

Without teachers' invaluable contribution, students would success on study.
(结尾想写些什么感动人的话，但是组织不起来~)

bnlcblgmdnUID: 2632359

1# lsr91
When students are in their school, they would spend most of their days with teachers as well as
teachers'. Teachers are concentrate on their students' growing, not only on class, but also on lives maybe. In my opinion, whatever students' scores they got in list of tests, teachers' contributions should not be ignored. In other word, teachers should not be paid according to their students' performs.

Days改成time或daytime可能更合适；as well as这部分我不大懂作者的意思。Are去掉或concentrate变成ing形式。Class建议变成courses？got或get？可能都行。Word变成words。
开门见山，还是质量不错的开头。

Teachers' obligation is to make students' study perfect. I mean, this is their basic job. I think there is hardly possiblilty that teachers are not responsible for their jobs. At the same time, without discrimination, every student's intelligence is not same. So they would not be parallel to comprehend one same idea or formula on their classes. As a result, their scores of a same test would be different. Could you say that it is teachers' wrongs? Should the teachers who taught the students who didn't have a high score be paid low? Apparently not. In one word, the achievements of students are mainly based on the diligence of themselves.

第二句是想写老师不大可能不负责是吗？建议改成it’s not/hardly possible that的句式。
Without discrimination是无歧视，无差别的意思，作者是不是想用without doubt？
Wrongs改成faults？
我觉得最后一句是原因，不如把它提前，说因为学生的成绩主要取决于他们自己的智力水平，所以in a word，老师不应该根据学生的成绩被定薪水的高低。

Teachers pay attention to their students' growing. As I know, in my country, especially in some kindergartens, teachers always teach students how to have lunch courteous, how to start handle their ability of lives. (我这里想说提高自己的生活自理能力，可能不太对~).

Growth？
作者想说自理能力，是为了说明什么呢？我也没懂J我想，可以说老师帮同学成长，比如提升自理能力，建立健康的性格等等，但这些贡献是很难靠perform体现出来的，如果依据perform或score定薪水，忽视了老师的这些贡献，不公平。

In other hand, teachers in primary school, high school, particularly the latter, they would face to students' Psychological problems and so on. That seems like has surpass the boundary of teachers' duty.

Other改成another
They应删掉，不然就有两个主语了
黄色部分我没有看懂。是说那个看起来已经超越了教师的职责？seems like后接has这个动词的形式是不对的。
我感觉这段也是想说老师要负责处理学习之外的任务。可以和上一段连起来写。

In addition, I don't think money is a good scale of teachers' performance. People don't realize the value of teachers for social. I agree to describe teachers like gardeners because of their contribution to students. No matter what kind of students they teach, they would do the same. And the influences of teachers on students could not be scaled.

这一段的第一句——往往也被视为主题句，说老师的贡献不能用金钱来衡量。话是不错，但好像有点和主题联系不紧。

Without teachers' invaluable contribution, students would success on study.
(结尾想写些什么感动人的话，但是组织不起来~)

看完全文，我也挺感动的。作者对老师的感情能从字里行间体现出来。但美中不足的一点是，文章条理没有很好的理清，是感情强度分散，结论不清晰。建议作者先列个提纲，找出2、3个理由支持论点，然后逐个论述。最后，以一个充满感情的段落结尾，就说老师为我们做了那么多，世人看不到，学生也可能当时不理解，但对学生终身有益的事情。这些都是无法用score和perform衡量的。但这些才是真正重要的。如果考score给薪水，不公平，而且会让老师不在有动力去做和考试以外的事，是教育的方向出现偏差。等等。

另一点，我感觉作者是不是积累了不少的连接短语或模板？段落衔接处用了不少。但是在句子组织和动词搭配方面会出现错误的形式；另外时态过去时和现在时混用，统一一下比较好。希望作者能好好关注一下这方面。衔接句是加分项，但不是根本。如果句子通顺流畅，没有错误，语言哪怕平实一点，应该分数也不会低。

第一次评，请多多指教！

llacatUID: 2628715

When students are in their school, they would spend most of their days with teachers as well as  teachers'. Teachers are concentrate on their students' growing, not only on class, but also on lives maybe. In my opinion, whatever students' scores they got in list of tests, teachers' contributions should not be ignored. In other word, teachers should not be paid according to their students' performs.
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Teachers' obligation is to make students' study perfect. I mean, this is their basic job. I think there is hardly possiblilty(possibility) that teachers are not responsible for their jobs.（hardly用的有点主观了吧？主题句最好不要用太过肯定的词语来表达） At the same time, without discrimination(这个词是歧视的意思，作者应该是想说doubt吧？), every student's intelligence is not same. So they would not be parallel to comprehend one same idea or formula on their classes. As a result, their scores of a same test would be different. Could you say that it is teachers' wrongs（mistakes）? Should the teachers who taught the students who didn't have a high score be paid low? Apparently not. In one word, the achievements of students are mainly based on the diligence of themselves.

I mean 和I think之类表达在托福作文中最好少用，一篇文章中出现的次数不要超过三次，最好不要有，因为你的文章表达的就是你的观点，不需要在加这些说明（这是张红岩在《十天搞定IBT作文》里的原话，建议作者下次可以换种表达方法来说这个意思）
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Teachers pay attention to their students' growing. As I know, in my country, especially in some kindergartens, teachers always teach students how to have lunch courteous, how to start handle their ability of lives. (我这里想说提高自己的生活自理能力，可能不太对~) improving self-help skills (提高自理能力)
In other hand, teachers in primary school, high school, particularly the latter one , they would face to students' Psychological problems and so on. That seems like has surpass the boundary of teachers' duty. . m5 T4 k5 \: q( T0 g8 F

这段的分论点没太看明白和主论点有什么关系…建议作者应该再深入点清楚原因和关系，要不然很容易被考官判为逻辑类的错误。还有结尾的地方，应该是有个总结句和开头的主题句相呼应的，下次应该记得写完整段落。
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In addition, I don't think money is a good scale of teachers' performance.（第二次出现I；） People don't realize the value of teachers for social. I agree to describe teachers like gardeners because of their contribution to students.（第三次） No matter what kind of students they teach, they would do the same. And the influences of teachers on students could not be scaled. （依然少个总结句）


`Without teachers' invaluable contribution, students would success on study.   d) p" d+ E0 c% H
(结尾想写些什么感动人的话，但是组织不起来~)

这篇文章词句上没有什么大的错误，字数也满足要求。但是结尾有点太仓促了，建议作者可以事先准备一些固定的套句模板练习下结尾。还有在文章几次用到I think之类的表达，这个错误可以说是不能犯得，建议作者以后写的过程中细心点就可以避免了。
批改过程中有不足，请指出来我们可以讨论下，一起进步~！