Issue130 =So What=小组第2次作业 by linyan821230

linyan821230UID: 2638813

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
孩子社会化的程度决定了社会的将来。遗憾的是，我们还没有学会如何把孩子培养成对社会有益的人。


WORDS: 538
TIME: 约1小时半（想了好久，觉得比较难）
DATE: 2009-5-29

linyan821230UID: 2638813

重写
For an individual, to be socialized means the ability to adapt to society. A society is a community formed by a group of people with or economical connection. Without being socialized, one could not communicate with others smoothly and efficiently, as a result that the society no longer exists. Since children are the hope and future of society and will grow up one day to be the mainstream of society, there is no doubt that socialization is an important character for them. Therefore I agree with the statement
that how the children are socialized today determines the destiny of society.

However, lots of people worry about the situation of children’s socialization nowadays. With the development of technology, people seem to be busier and busier to handle endless work. The fact that parents spend less time playing and talking with their children might deprive children of the feeling that their parents love them. It is announced in psychology that the feeling of being loved means so much to children especially in the early stage that children without the feeling will lose self-actualization and the desire to communicate with the outer world. Moreover, in order to compensate the lessened time with their children, parents answer the children’s asks with no, especially for the singleton. How could the children learn to
share the ideas with others if they have no experience? Not being good at cooperating and communicating, lack of sense of sharing and responsibility, the situation of today’s children worries adults, who are considering how to raise children who will bring about a better society.

In my opinion, it is not necessary for people to be so anxious about the way to raise children. In fact, education systems have long been established. At the appropriate age children will be sent to school, where there are teachers and friends. During the school time, they will learn to cooperate and communicate with others. For example the teacher may assign a task “to write a short essay in groups”. In order to complete it, it’s necessary for a child to ask his/her friends to form a group, to search for information and to write the essay together. Fishing a job together can help children to establish friendship, learn to help each other and accept other’s thoughts. Moreover, it is quite important for the family to take part in the children’s development. Parents are the primary teachers for children, from whom children learn to get along with others. Parents’ behaviors are the most powerful teaching materials for them, as well as their care and encouragement being the drive for children’s advancement. In addition, the development of a person is a life long issue. Children will learn the society values and rules gradually as they become more and more mature.

It is impossible for human to know the future. What we should emphasize is to do our best to provide the children strong-support and well round education, rather than worry about whether they can bring about a better society. Of all the aspects that influence children’s development, there is one thing people should keep in mind. That is to help them believe it is right to be a good man. With the belief, the society will be better and better.

zhenyi2000UID: 2640146

2# linyan821230

For an individual, to be socialized means the ability to adapt to society. A society is a community formed by a group of people with (由什么人员组成用 of) distinct social（？这个distinct social 指的是什么） or economical connection. Without being socialized, one could not communicate with others smoothly and efficiently, as a result no society exists. Since children are the hope and future of society and will grow up one day to be the mainstream of society, there is no doubt （that）socialization is an important character for them. Therefore I agree with （这中间少个名词 这个名词可以引导后面的that从句  如the statement）that how the children are socialized today determines the destiny of society.

However, lots of people worry about the situation of children’s socialization nowadays. As technology develops,（作者这里的意思是随着技术的发展 可以用 With the development of technology） people seem to be busier and busier （more and more busy）to handle endless work. The fact that parents spend less time playing and talking with their children might deprive children of the feeling that their parents love them. It is announced in psychology that the feeling of being loved means so much to children especially in the early stage that children without the feeling will lose self-actualization and the desire to communicate with the outer world. Moreover, in order to compensate the lessened time with their children, parents answer the children’s asks with no hesitation（这里的意思应该是没有耐心去 answer the asks,而不是不犹豫的意思， without patient）, especially for the only child (singleton). How could the children learn (to) sharing (the ideas) with others if they have no experience? Not being good at cooperating and communicating, lack of sense of sharing and responsibility, the situation of today’s children worries adults, who are considering how to raise children who will bring about a better society.

In my opinion, it is not necessary for people to be so anxious about the way to raise children. In fact, education systems have been established during the long human history. (直接用have long being established )At the appropriate age children will be sent to school, where there are teachers and friends. During the school time, they will learn to cooperate and communicate with others. For example the teacher may assign a task “to write a short essay in groups”. In order to complete it, it’s necessary for a child to ask his/her friends to form a group, to search for information and to write the essay together. Fishing a job together can help children to establish friendship, learn to help each other and accept other’s thoughts. Moreover, it is quite important for the family to take part in the children’s development. Parents are the primary teachers for children, form (from) whom children learn to get along with others. Parents’ behaviors are the most powerful teaching materials for them, as well as their care and encouragement being the drive for children’s advancement. In addition, the development of a person is a life long issue. Children will learn the society values and rules gradually as they become more and more mature.

It is impossible for human to know the future. What we should emphasize is to do our best to provide the children support and education （换成strong-support and well round education 可能会好一点）, rather than worry about whether they can bring about a better society. Of all the aspects that influence children’s development, there is one thing people should keep in mind. That is to help them believe it is right to be a good man. With the belief, the society will be better and better.

总结：
1.  作者的论证似乎不是很清晰，每一段没有一个很明确的TS去引导本段。可能跟本题有点难度有关。
2.  作者显示出一定的语言组织架构能力，但仍需加强，有些句子读起来不是很通畅。

紫薇花开UID: 2461167

• For an individual, to be socialized means the ability to adapt to society.（我觉得这句话怪怪的,the process of being socialized means the process of the formation on the ability to adapt to society. 或者the process of being socialized means the process of adapting to society.） A society is a community formed by a group of people with distinct social or economical connection. Without being socialized, one could not communicate with others smoothly and efficiently, as a result no society exists. (这句话有点chenglish,换成collapse或者disintegrate)Since children are the hope and future of society and will grow up one day to be the mainstream of society, there is no doubt socialization is an important character for them. Therefore I agree with that how the children are socialized today determines the destiny of society.
  
  However, lots of people worry about the situation of children’s socialization nowadays. As technology develops, people seem to be busier and busier to handle endless work. The fact that parents spend less time playing and talking with their children might deprive children of the feeling that their parents love them. It is announced in psychology that the feeling of being loved means so much to children especially in the early stage that children without the feeling will lose self-actualization and the desire to communicate with the outer world. Moreover, in order to compensate the lessened time with their children, parents answer the children’s asks with no hesitation, especially for the only child.（我不明明白这句话在这的作用） How could the children learn sharing with others if they have no experience? Not being good at cooperating and communicating, lack of sense of sharing and responsibility, the situation of today’s children worries adults, （这句话不对，the situation of today’s children hold people’s eye,因为你的这句话是汉式英语）who are considering how to raise children who will bring about a better society.

• 作者这段的结构，很完整 TS-例子-TS，但是中间的例子论证
  不充分。也就是道理没说明白，比如，那个科技带来了影响，使得父母很忙→与孩子缺少交流→孩子缺少与外界交流的能力（红字呢句话我没看明白）先说这吧。
  在第二个环节上
  我就可以攻击你 1.与父母缺少交流，它可以和老师，同学交流等2.科技的发展，它可以通过网络，合理利用网络
  和外界交流 3. 即使你想说
  父母的重要性
  你也应该加以限制
  比如父母是他门最轻近的人，潜移默化的最多等等
  （虽然这一点，你我都明白，但你必须写出来
  让我知道
  让ETS知道你明白）
  在第三环节上
  由于前两个环节不成立
  这个也不成立
• 其实
  对于前两段
  你根本没说社会化是什么，什么样才是社会化。虽然你明白
  但我不知道你明白，
  我看了这篇文章
  我不明白）
  In my opinion, it is not necessary for people to be so anxious about the way to raise children. In fact, education systems have been established during the long human history. At the appropriate age children will be sent to school, where there are teachers and friends. During the school time, they will learn to cooperate and communicate with others. For example the teacher may assign a task “to write a short essay in groups”. In order to complete it, it’s necessary for a child to ask his/her friends to form a group, to search for information and to write the essay together. Fishing a job together can help children to establish friendship, learn to help each other and accept other’s thoughts. Moreover, it is quite important for the family to take part in the children’s development. （while）Parents are the primary teachers for children, form whom children learn to get along with others. Parents’ behaviors are the most powerful teaching materials for them, as well as their care and encouragement being the drive for children’s advancement. In addition, the development of a person is a life long issue. Children will learn the society values and rules gradually as they become more and more mature.
• 这段论证充分，虽然有点啰唆。
  It is impossible for human to know the future.
  （你不是说社会的命运么，命运不就是未来吗。怎么又不重要了呢）What we should emphasize is to do our best to provide the children support and education, （能并列么）rather than worry about whether they can bring about a better society. Of all the aspects that influence children’s development, there is one thing people should keep in mind. That is to help them believe it is right to be a good man. With the belief, the society will be better and better.（最后这几句话没来由呀，我感觉是作者写着写着 不想写了。呵呵）
• 你跑题了，你只有第一段
  提到社会化，后几段我感觉不出和社会化有什关系，而且孩子如何社会化，孩子社会化的程度与孩子的成长的关系，以及与社会命运。你只是在开头空喊了几声口号
• 这个文章汉味儿很重，最明显的就是
  我们汉语里名词和谓语搭配的
  英语里应改变一种说法的。我的文章也好不到哪去
  这是我们共同的毛病。

PS:我的批注不一定正确  有疑问我们可以共同探讨

terraliUID: 2599465

For an individual, to be socialized means the ability to ability that ability 是名词，定从。 adapt to society. A 我觉得应该去掉这个A society is a community formed by a 哈哈，应该是several 吧一个怎么connect？还是我理解错误group of people with distinct social or economical connection我觉得这个词值得商榷。Relation?个人意见. Without being socialized, one could not communicate with others smoothly and efficiently, as a result no society exists.这一句话好跳跃啊，有点中国英语 Since children are the hope and future of society and will grow up one day to be the mainstream of society, there is no doubt socialization is an important character for them. Therefore I agree with that how the children are socialized today determines the destiny of society.

主题句是同意儿童决定社会命运，论证是没了社会化个人不能顺畅交流和儿童是社会未来，个人觉得这个论证过程应该重新组织一下，如果主题句用Therefore I agree with that how the children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. 的话，实际从开头到as a result no society exists.都不是在论证主题句啊

However, lots of people worry about the situation of children’s socialization nowadays. As technology develops, people seem to be busier and busier to handle endless work. The fact that parents spend less time playing and talking with their children might deprive children of我觉得children’s feeling that 更顺一些 the feeling that their parents love them. It is announced in psychology that the feeling of being loved means so much to children especially in the early stage that children without the feeling will lose self-actualization and the desire to communicate with the outer world. Moreover, in order to compensate the lessened time with their children, parents answer the children’s asks意思明白，但，是不是重新说下？比如提供更优越的生活环境这样，比较具体的。Answer the ask总觉得不是很合适的样子 with no hesitation, especially for the only child.这里也是。身为一个中国人，我明白作者的意思，可是，既然是让美国考官来看，这里是不是有点跳跃？for the only child从字面上理解是什么意思呢？好像应该解释一下，“尤其是近年来每个家庭只有一个孩子” How could the children learn sharing with others if they have no experience?我觉得挺忌讳出问句的，因为你一定要在后头回答。 Not being good at cooperating and communicating, lack of sense of sharing and responsibility, the situation of today’s children worries adults, who are considering how to raise children who will bring about a better society.

上面用了一大段来论证“由于家庭原因孩子缺乏分享经验”，后面就一下子跳到“教育让孩子都可以社会化”，是不是应该加个连接词或者过度的东西？

In my opinion, it is not necessary for people to be so anxious about the way to raise children. In fact, education systems have been established during the long human history. （这一句个人觉得是无效论证。因为要说教育对孩子的作用，和教育有长历史没什么关系。也许可以加一句教育有很长的历史积累来更好教导孩子？）At the appropriate age children will be sent to school, where there are teachers and friends. During the school time, they will learn to cooperate and communicate with others. For example the teacher may assign a task “to write a short essay in groups”. In order to complete it, it’s necessary for a child to ask his/her friends to form a group, to search for information and to write the essay together. Fishing a job together can help children to establish friendship, learn to help each other and accept other’s thoughts. Moreover, it is quite important for the family to take part in the children’s development. Parents are the primary teachers for children, form whom children learn to get along with others. Parents’ behaviors are the most powerful teaching materials for them, as well as their care and encouragement being the drive for children’s advancement.这一句说的全是fact,即无论证也无观点啊。 In addition, the development of a person is a life long issue. Children will learn the society values and rules gradually as they become more and more mature.

It is impossible for human to know the future. What we should emphasize is to do our best to provide the children support and education, rather than worry about whether they can bring about a better society. Of all the aspects that influence children’s development, there is one thing people should keep in mind. That is to help them believe it is right to be a good man. With the belief, the society will be better and better. 全文似乎没有一个统一的观点。最后一段也没有把所有观点整合，感觉各行其是的样子。 围绕一个中心观点重新整合下各段的论点，而且，最后一段不应该提新观点了，总结或升华能显得文章更浑然一体些。