0910AW 同主题写作第七期 ARGUMENT101 by xdjtf

xdjtfUID: 2615699

TOPIC: ARGUMENT101 - The following appeared in a memo from the president of a company that makes breakfast cereals.

"In a recent study, subjects who ate soybeans at least five times per week had significantly lower cholesterol levels than subjects who ate no soy products. By fortifying our Wheat-O cereal with soy protein, we can increase sales by appealing to additional consumers who are concerned about their health. This new version of Wheat-O should increase company profits and, at the same time, improve the health of our customers."

  The conclusions mentioned above seem at first glance obviously resonable. The result arises from a recent study reveals the correlation between the soybeans and the cholesterol levels, that is, the more you eat the soybeans, the lower level of the cholesterol you will have. However, this study fails to prove the subjects in the experiment have the identical cholesterol level before they take the soy products and therefore it is not sufficient engough to illustrate the effect of the soybeans in lowering the cholesterol levels.

Even if we assume that the soybean is, indeed, effective to reduce the cholesterol level, what the author concludes is still problematic. In the first place, whether adding the soy protein into their Wheat-O cereal can increase sales is still doubtful, in other words, the reason why the auther believes the amount of sales will ascend is it will appeal to the consumers who care about their health. However, it misinterprets the relationship between the soybeans and the soy proteins, that is, there is no apparent evidences showing the effect of soybean is caused solely by the soy protein. On the other hand, even though the soy proteins are as effective as soybean itself, the increase in sales, by means of attracting the health-concerned consumers, perhaps will not happen. Probably these consumers will not favor the taste of this sort of Wheat-O cereal or these consumers wll prefer using other means, which successfully proves to be more effective to lower the level of cholesterol, to eat Wheat-O cereal with soy proteins. Meanwhile, the author fails to consider the competitive opponent firms. There may be other companies which have alrealy been providing this kind of cereal with better taste and  services at lower price, and thus have been taking hold a large share of the market.In the second place, by introducing this new version of product, there is no gurantee that the company's profit which depends on various facors like the cost of product, will increase accordingly, for instance, if the process of producing this new version of Wheat-O is more complex and complicated and therefore reqiures more cost, the profits of the company, on the contary, will decrease. Finally, as far as the consumer’s health is concerned, the cholesterol level is not the only facor affecting the health, for instance, the lifestyle they have, the amount of execise they take and so forth have impacts on the health as well. In other words, taking the new version of Wheat-O cereal will not bound to afford the improvement of health.
   In sum, the recent study showed in this memo is informative and the suggestions given by the author are, to some extent, helpful. But, unless we comprehensively evaluate the situations in the real world, to conclude the necessity of creating a new product and summarizing its subsequent benefits will possibly be misleading.

DidoyUID: 2181213

The conclusions mentioned above seem at first glance obviously resonable. （这里用词累赘了，seem, at first glance, 取其一即可，obviously也累赘了，obvious这个词有明显怎么样怎么样的意思，更多是正向的，但是这句开头你是表面正向其实是负向的，所以不要用这个词比较好。）The result arises from a recent study reveals the correlation between the soybeans and the cholesterol levels, that is, the more you eat the soybeans, the lower level of the cholesterol you will have. However, this study fails to prove the subjects in the experiment have the identical cholesterol level before they take the soy products and therefore it is not sufficient engough to illustrate the effect of the soybeans in lowering the cholesterol levels. （这最后一句话似乎已经是你攻击的一个论点了，感觉说的不要指向性这么明确更有利于下文展开，因为你的下文并不是完全围绕这一句在讲，还有其他论点的）

Even if we assume that the soybean is, indeed, effective to reduce the cholesterol level, what the author concludes is still problematic. In the first place, whether adding the soy protein into their Wheat-O cereal can increase sales is still doubtful, in other words, the reason why the auther believes the amount of sales will ascend is it will appeal to the consumers who care about their health. （这句话后半句串句了） However, it misinterprets the relationship between the soybeans and the soy proteins, that is, there is no apparent evidences showing the effect of soybean is caused solely by the soy protein. On the other hand, even though the soy proteins are as effective as soybean itself, the increase in sales, by means of attracting the health-concerned consumers, perhaps will not happen. Probably （probably其实是一个表示“肯定”的词，如果想说“也许”的话，用maybe或者perhaps，或者在句中用might或could比较好）these consumers will not favor the taste of this sort of Wheat-O cereal or these consumers wll prefer using other means, which successfully proves to be more effective to lower the level of cholesterol, to eating Wheat-O cereal with soy proteins. Meanwhile, the author fails to consider the competitive opponent firms. There may be other companies which have alrealy been providing this kind of cereal with better taste and services at lower price, and thus have been taking hold a large share of the market. （这一句放到the second place中论述比较恰当吧）

In the second place, by introducing this new version of product, there is no gurantee that the company's profit which depends on various facors like the cost of product, will increase accordingly； for instance, if the process of producing this new version of Wheat-O is more complex and complicated and therefore reqiures more cost, the profits of the company, on the contary, will decrease.

Finally, as far as the consumer’s health is concerned, the cholesterol level is not the only facor affecting the health, for instance, the lifestyle they have, the amount of execise they take and so forth have impacts on the health as well. In other words, taking the new version of Wheat-O cereal will not bound to afford the improvement of health. (Finally的这个论点放到上面主要讨论“健康”的地方比较好）

In sum, the recent study showed in this memo is informative and the suggestions given by the author are, to some extent, helpful.（这里，informative和helpful可否换一个词，因为前面你提到这个research fails to prove，那它不可能是informative的，或者可以用上那些“看上去怎么怎么样”的词来表达看似正向其实负向的含义） But, unless we comprehensively evaluate the situations in the real world, to conclude the necessity of creating a new product and summarizing its subsequent benefits will possibly （用probably吧，probably比possibly更肯定）be misleading.

感觉你的论点很多，感觉你有无数的想法可以驳倒他，如果可以把论点划分得再工整清晰一点会比较好。

另外，我不知道你在写的时候，是不是先写完了然后刻意把句子变得很长结构变得很复杂，或者是在写的时候有这么个想法。我个人觉得没有必要，当然你也可以持有不同观点。写文章最重要是要让别人明白，不仅是明白你的观点，更是明白你的重点，用词的变化和结构的变化的目的都是旨在明白你的重点，换言之，没有以突出重点为目的的词句复杂化没有很大的意义，甚至会造成理解歧义。这种歧义不影响明白你的观点，但是影响明白你的重点。我们在看GRE文章的时候看到很多这样的复杂句子，这是ETS故意造出来的，没有人会在不是为了突出重点的情况下去造这样的句子。这是我个人的想法，不必很当真。：）

xdjtfUID: 2615699

2# Didoy
谢谢你耐心的修改~