6,7月份 cracking ibt essay! 小组写作组 chelsea_choi的 第17次作业

Chelsea_ChoiUID: 2437362

As the development of technology, there are more houses than ever. At the same time, the extended family becomes rare. The families which include only husband, wife and children, join in the main stream. Definitely, the advancement of the level of the life brings us all kinds of conveniences, but also takes something important away from our daily life, the link between relatives, responsibility for the big family, and so on. The extent family is indeed also important no matter what time and what spaces.

Communication becomes one of the most significant aspects which people lack of in the modern society. The rhythm of the modern society is quicker than any time in the past. In most of the families, both the host and the hostess earn their living by their own. Less mothers than before choose to stay at home for taking care of the children. So they have to send their kids to kindergarten and miss the moment that is helping elder children solving mathematic problems. What’s the worse, there is almost nobody talk with the youth generation in home in day time. And when the drawn comes, both of the parents are just too tired to communicate. However, that’s nearly not a problem for children in the extended family.

In addition, as the decreasing of communication between family-members, people think much more about their own and unwarily forget how to take care of others, especially the elder generation. When a kid sees how her\his father take care of her\his grandmother, and then the little kid know someday in the future, he\she will do the same thing. This way of teaching is originally awesome, but unfortunately it shortened as a simple dinner together, a weekend family party, even a how-is-everything-going call in nowadays. The youth could not learn how to respect and take care of the elders from the action of their parents any longer. The last thing we want to see is that will be a vicious circle for the following generation.

Take the above mentioned views into consideration; the extended family is also a key point for a better life, not only for someone but also for the peace and further advancement of the world.

hyacinthUID: 2184492

As the development of technology, there are more houses than ever. (什么开头都扯到科技发展。。。中国人的通病 呵呵) At the same time, the extended family becomes rare . The families which include only husband, wife and children, join in the main stream. Definitely, the advancement of the level of the life (这个是什么意思?) brings us all kinds of conveniences, but also takes something important away from our daily life, the link between relatives, responsibility for the big family, and so on. The extent family is indeed also important no matter what time and what spaces.
(最后一句人为加进去的痕迹太明显  突然话锋一转说到extended family的重要性上去了)

Communication becomes one of the most significant aspects which people lack of in the modern society. (如果这一句是你这一段的TS  那么你这一段和开头有什么联系呢? ) The rhythm (-> pace   rhythm更多时候是指音乐 声音上的节奏  ) of the modern society is quicker than any time in the past. In most of the families, both the host and the hostess earn their living by their own. Less mothers than before choose to stay at home for taking care of the children. So they have to send their kids to kindergarten and miss the moment that is helping elder children solving mathematic problems. (做数学题????) What’s the worse, there is almost nobody talk with the youth generation in home in day time. And when the drawn (the drawn ?????) comes, both of the parents are just too tired to communicate. However, that’s nearly not a problem for children in the extended family.  ( At this point , I still have no idea what is your main argument.  you have to figure out the logical connection between every sentence before you actually start writing them. otherwise, the readers will find your essay is only a collection of sentences rather than coherent passages. )

In addition, as the decreasing of communication between family-members (you dont have to use hyphen here), people think much more about their own and unwarily forget how to take care of others, especially the elder generation. When a kid sees how her\his father take (-> takes) care of her\his grandmother, and then the little kid know someday in the future, he\she will do the same thing. This way of teaching is originally awesome, but unfortunately it shortened as a simple dinner together, a weekend family party, even a how-is-everything-going call in nowadays. (what are you trying to say????) The youth could not learn how to respect and take care of the elders from the action of their parents any longer. The last thing we want to see is that will be a vicious circle for the following generation. (same problem as last para, you need to explain to the readers by using conjuction words like "because" "as a result" "if" and so on. Or we readers cant follow your idea. hello, we dont live in your brain. : p )

Take the above mentioned views into consideration; the extended family is also a key point for a better life, not only for someone but also for the peace and further advancement of the world. (i finally get your point, but i m sorry what is further advancement of the world? )



basically, you show some ability to write in English and the following would be the things you want to improve.
1) try to have an outline of your essay before you start so that you can stick to your idea.
2) write in english instead of translating Chinese to English
3) work on your conclusion. yours is too hasty.

Chelsea_ChoiUID: 2437362

不甚感激~~~~:handshake

有风吹过UID: 2199075

As the development of technology, there are more houses than ever. At the same time, the extended family becomes rare. The families which include only husband, wife and children, join in the main stream连接的不是很顺畅. Definitely, the advancement of the level of the life brings us all kinds of conveniences, but also takes something important away from our daily life, the link between relatives, responsibility for the big family, and so on. The extent family is indeed also important no matter what time and what spaces.

Communication becomes one of the most significant aspects which people lack of in the modern society. The rhythm of the modern society is quicker than any time in the past. In most of the families, both the host and the hostess earn their living by their own. Less mothers than before choose to stay at home for taking care of the children. So they have to send their kids to kindergarten and miss the moment that is helping elder children solving mathematic problems. What’s the worse, there is almost nobody talk with the youth generation in home in day time. And when the drawn comes, both of the parents are just too tired to communicate. However, that’s nearly not a problem for children in the extended family., L$ {0 i! ?* a# ?
: I7 P0 Q2 \) M4 h  b6 W1 W
In addition, as the decreasing of communication between family-members, people think much more about their own and unwarily forget how to take care of others, especially the elder generation. When a kid sees how her\his father take care of her\his grandmother, and then the little kid know someday in the future, he\she will do the same thing. This way of teaching is originally awesome, （此观点很好，潜移默化影响力很大啊）but unfortunately it shortened as a simple dinner together, a weekend family party, even a how-is-everything-going call in nowadays. The youth could not learn how to respect and take care of the elders from the action of their parents any longer. The last thing we want to see is that will be a vicious circle（较地道） for the following generation.6 o. {4 T  q4 k- V/ X) [$ [" p

Take the above mentioned views into consideration; the extended family is also a key point for a better life, not only for someone but also for the peace and further advancement of the world.
总体来说，写得还不错，理由，用词，语言读起来都很通顺，结尾感觉像模板，能在加一些自己的观点就好了
感谢你对我作文的修改！thank you