6,7月份 cracking ibt essay! 小组写作组Rainbowtea的 第17次作业

RainbowteaUID: 2638793

Nowadays,many people are discussing about the importance of the extended family , from my point of view ,it depends. The lifestyles now have set the people apart from their relatives,if we don’t keep touch with the extended family that often ,we may even become strangers to each other,when it’s time to make big decisions, the importance of the grandparents、cousins and so on may be ignored.However ,such situation can also be changed in some way, for example , if I were going to study abroad , and fortunately my ante lived in the city where I would go , it can surely bring me a lot of conveniences.


Some people say ,“Though we have lived far from each other now ,the love among us has never been changed .”They illustrate with disease ,when one person of the family has fallen ill , almost every member of the family will get together and serve attendance on the patient .And when disater comes ,they’ll certainly try to connect with each relative ,no matter he is one of the extended family or not .


Sometimes grandparents are much more important .In Chinese countryside ,the phenomenon that many couples chose to work in the big cities and only go home once during two or three years ,it is so common that many children are brought up by their grandparents , they hear their mothers’ voice simply through the telephone ,and for the poor who can not afford the money to buy a telephone ,they just see their parents on the pictures . There is no doubt that the extended family play a much important role in such kids’lives .


Different people holds different opinions ,for thoes who grow up with their aunts、uncles or even grandparents,the importance of the extended family is never changed , and in some other conditions,people may agree with that the extended family is less important nowadays than it was in the past .

honey67UID: 2645316

Extended family played a significant role in the past decades. At that time, people living together and took care of each other more conveniently; , (comma would be better )especially the economic system and transportation were not available for those to work outside. The distinct (distinctive)aspect of facilities made people lived(it has to be make sb. To do st. I think , or if you have more certain reason to use this.But I know you want to indicate that it is happened in the past.However, I think past for of make has already told us it is something happened before. ) in a large family, but in modern society, the tendency of extended family is not as important as before. This passage will discuss it with more details.
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The developed areas with advanced economy could attract more people from their families. At present, many young people prefer to move out of their towns to chase for dreams. There are several reasons: better working conditions, serious competition and gain different culture and life. Thus, to live with parents and grandparents may become history. Even some people might go abroad for higher education or doing research. For instance, one of my friends who came from a deep(can also use “remote”) mountain area studied in metropolitan areas. After receiving a degree, he got a good-pay job in a famous company in city. So he geographically separated from his relatives. His family due to living in small town longer time would not have desire to move out. Even though they did, culture shock may occur under the distinctive habits.
(This is a good point, I also have mentioned this reason, but seems I didn't express it more thoroughly and completely, I personally think this is a nice paragraph) G6 @. l. O. ]) P0 H; z" {

On the other hand,(Since you have started this paragraph with on the other hand, do you think for the integrity of the whole passage, we should find out on the one hand in the previous paragraph?) it is hard to make the same agreement in extended families nowadays. Grandparents with their hobbies and minds from past decades have scarcely followed the social tendency. Grandchildren may prefer to go shopping from online store but the senior will not think it is safe enough. And young people would like to wear bizarre dress to show their characteristics. Get several ear-piercing, tattoo and hip-pop style could be welcomed among next generations. The different information from different decades cannot make people think and do in the similar way. In this case, extended family will not be important and their opinion will not be adopted in the future, the reason is they may not like each other’s life style. That will not result in harmony for any families.2 a3 W, ]! V0 [) d' P3 f* @% i

In conclusion, with those details and example(examples), living together with relatives will not exist gradually. (Hmm..is this has to be the point you are trying to enhance? Or do you think we should point out the improtance of the extendied family?You have your reason , but we could share.)Under the advanced economy and developed society, people would choose to live in a new way instead of extended family.  

Comment: I should say that this article is really nice ,i can see that you have a very good writing basis and ability.Your examples are fine and your vocabulary is ample ,i mean you could clearly state your mind with the proper words.This is something I need to learn from you. The best thing is your idea is so clear ,though except for some tiny points we may show difference .Overal, if the total score for the essay is 6, I would say you could at least get 5.

honey67UID: 2645316

Hey , can i ask you one thing? Why you and chineselady(翠花) shared the same article ,i mean exactly the same?

One more thing is i am still waiting for my team member to review my essay.

RainbowteaUID: 2638793

3# honey67
I'm so sorry, I made some mistakes in correcting Chinese lady 's article . I have changed it into mine ,can you read it again?  Thanks a lot !

honey67UID: 2645316

Nowadays,many people are discussing about the importance of the extended family , (Do you think it's better we start a new sentence here ?)from my point of view ,it depends. The lifestyles now have set the people apart from their relatives,if we don’t keep touch(keep in touch with sb.) with the extended family that often(Only “often” will work here .Adding “that” gives a feeling of redundant)  ,we may even become strangers to each other,when it’s time to make big decisions, the importance of the grandparents、cousins and so on may be ignored. However ,such situation can also be changed in some way, for example , if I were going to study abroad , and fortunately my ante lived in the city where I would go , it can surely bring me a lot of conveniences.
(I have read some book about the TOEFL essay, they require something called thesis statement ,but what is yours ?It usually located in the introduction paragraph. I didn't see you agree with the change or not.I kind of have the same problem , I think we need more discussion on this )

Some people say ,“Though we have lived far from each other now ,the love among us has never been changed .”(I think “ “is not illegible in English writing .) They illustrate with disease (I didn't get it. What is “they” stands for?Even if this is something , I think it has to be illustrated with the something, which means you have to use 被动语态)when one person of the family has fallen ill(When one of the family gets sick will be much better) , almost every member of the family (every one instead of the whole long sentence would be much efficient,because we are talking about the people in the family.)will get together and serve attendance on the patient(This sentence is somewhat like Chenglish. Not that formal although it is still indicate what you mean) .And when disater (disaster)comes ,they’ll certainly try to connect with each relative(each other) ,no matter he is one of the extended family or not .

Sometimes grandparents are much more important .In Chinese countryside ,the phenomenon that many couples chose to work in the big cities and only go home once during two or three years ,it is so common that many children are brought up by their grandparents , they hear their mothers’ voice simply through the telephone ,and for the poor who can not afford the money (the money is redundant, just afford to do is enough) to buy a telephone ,they just see their parents on the pictures . There is no doubt that the extended family play (plays)a much important role in such kids’ lives . (Hey, the entire paragraph is composed of only three full sentences,i understand you want to practice to use long sentence. But you probably need to use many clauses if you want to use long sentences. Anyway this is also good when you read it for the second time.:) l. r( |# ~) ^1 O8 D

Different people holds different opinions ,for thoes (those)who grow up with their aunts、uncles or even grandparents,the importance of the extended family is never changed , and in some other conditions,people may agree with that the extended family is less important nowadays than it was in the past . (I personally think the conclusion should be about what your idea is , and it has to restate your point of view, instead of introducing the different ideas again.)

Comments: Your article is good, since you have a distinctive view that is different from most of people. It helps you to grab other's attention. However, there are some grammatical and structural issues in you r essay. But it is not a big problem , we still have time ,and since we are practicing, I am sure we will improve a lot better than we are now.

chineseladyUID: 2403976

1.我觉得整体观点挺好, 很清晰. 一看就知道你的观点. 我想美国佬一定喜欢..不错继续保持!
2.挺多句子都是用逗号连接, 看着多少累赘点. 可以连成从句什么的, 或是介词短语.
3.开头地方说不联系就要忘掉之类的, 多少有点夸张吧:) 哪里那么严重...

chineseladyUID: 2403976

还没说完...
4.模板痕迹不是很明显, 赞个! 有时候我不用模板都像模板....
那个我的是你改的还是67改的...怎么说咱俩的一样???!!!!