cracking ibt essay! 小组写作组 goback211 的 第18次作业

goback211UID: 2419259

第一次写作业，写了四十分钟，主要是理由想不出来，瞎凑的，欢迎拍砖

One argument states that higher education should be open to everyone, regardless of background. The opposing argument says that only the elite students should be allowed to proceed. Discuss these ideas. Do you agree or disagree? Explain why.
开始：
There is a hit discussion concerning that whether higher education should be accessible to everyonr rather than only the elite students. Some people believe that everyone should have the chance to accomplish higher education, and it is the right of education, while others say that education of mortal students would waste many resources which can enhance elite students' abilities. Though I admit that the elite students have higher probability to succeed, I always agree that higher education should be open to everyone.
First of all, the aim of education is not only to cultivate elite scholars, but also to distribute the knowledge. The definition of education is to teach others and let others know the knowledge which they are not known before. Therefore, if we refuse to education some common students, it seemed opposite to the aim of education. Education is a kind of course to communicate with others. So without common ideas from common students, this course would get little effect. In a word, the most effiecient way to education is to embrace all kinds of students and communicate with different thoughts as well as knowledge.
Secondly, it is so difficult to determine whether a student is an elite stuent. Everyone has own advantages compared with others. Some one don't have the higher grade, but he can play basketball quite well, like Kobe Bryant. Some one can not gain satisfactory mark on tests, but he can solve the factual problems easily. And some one doesn't have a excellent GPA, but his mathematic is quite well. Therefore, no one can determine that some common students on study will not get success when they are grown up. For example, one of my friends failed on some exams during his college life. Almost everyone thought he would get outstanding result on science. However, during his higher education, he attended many projects and solved some difficult problems using his remarkable intelligence.
In addition, the background of people take an ignorable role on one's life. Just think about some famous people. For instance, Abraham Lincoln. As we know, Abraham Lincoln didn't have the prominent background. When he was a child, his family was a little poor so that he can not accomplish his colledge life. However, no one can deny the paramount influence on America which Lincoln gave. I have heard some news that an investigation shows that most college have the tendency to accept the students who have a poorer background. It is believed that poorer students would be more hard-working during their higher education. So we can see that the background of students can do little to later lives.
Of course, the elite students has more advantages, such as more resourses, more intelligent and more things have seen. However, it doesn't mean that we should refuse the common students, which are the most part of students. Education should be open to everyone, no matter he is the elite one or not.

hyacinthUID: 2184492

u sure it's iBT writing not GRE argument?

goback211UID: 2419259

2# hyacinth
can u point out the problem more clearly? I am so sorry that I can not understand your mean so clearly

FFtserAphUID: 2641938

There is a hit discussion concerning that whether higher education should be accessible to everyonr (everyonr -> everyone) rather than only the elite students.Some people believe that everyone should have the chance to accomplish higher education, and it is the right of education, while others say that education of mortal students would waste many resources which can enhance elite students' abilities. Though I admit that the elite students have higher probability to succeed, I always agree that higher education should be open to everyone.
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First of all, the aim of education is not only to cultivate elite scholars, but also to distribute the knowledge. The definition of education is to teach others and let others know (know -> acquire 由于know与后面重复) the knowledge which they are not known before. Therefore, if we refuse to education some common students, it seemed opposite to the aim of education. Educationis a kind of course to communicate with others. So without common ideas from common students, this course would get little effect. In a word,the most effiecient way to education is to embrace all kinds of students and communicate with different thoughts as well as knowledge.
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Secondly, it is so difficult to determine whether a student is an elite stuent (stuent -> student) or not (加上or not). Everyone has own advantages compared with others. Some one don't have the higher grade, but he can play basketball quite well, like Kobe Bryant. Some one can not gain satisfactory mark on tests, but he can solve the factual problems easily. And some one doesn't have a (a -> an) excellent GPA, but his mathematic is quite well. Therefore, no one can determine that some common students on study will not get success when they are grown up. For example, one of my friends failed on some exams during his college life. Almost everyone thought he would get outstanding result on science. (For example, one of my friends failed on some examsduring his college life. Almost everyone thought he would getoutstanding result on science.感觉这两句之间有些突兀，建议过渡平缓一些。可以考虑这样：For example, although one of my friends failed on some examsduring his college life. nobody doubt that he also could getoutstanding result on science.) However, during his higher education, he attended many projects and solved some difficult problems using his remarkable intelligence.


In addition, the background of people take an ignorable (ignorable这个词没查到，想表达"可以忽略"的意思么？) role on one'slife. Just think about some famous people. For instance, Abraham Lincoln. As we know, Abraham Lincoln didn't have the prominent background. When he was a child, his family was a little poor so that he can not accomplish his colledge life. However, no one can deny the paramount influence on America which Lincoln gave. I have heard somenews that an investigation shows that most college have the tendency to accept the students who have a poorer background. It is believed that poorer students would be more hard-working during their higher education. So we can see that the background of students can do little to later lives.
这段我个人有2个问题：
1.楼主是不是把background狭义的局限在了family background上了？如果是的话，觉得不太稳妥，还可能包含study performance，basic knowledge(math, physics,chemistry...)。
2.这段楼主表达的意思是“背景对人将来的发展不起决定性作用”吧？论述很严谨，但是个人谨慎的觉得如果就这样写的话考官看着可能会有点蒙，要是心情不够舒畅可能会给判个有一点跑题。建议在最后加一句“大学不应该只根据background来录取学生”。
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Of course, the elite students has more advantages, such as more resourses, more intelligent and more things have seen. However, it doesn't mean that we should refuse the common students, which are the most part of students. Education should be open to everyone, no matter he is the elite one or not.


看完后觉得楼主语言功底还不错，心中的例子很多。
修改之处为根据我的理解提出的个人意见。
如果对楼主的愿意理解有误，请无视。^_^

chineseladyUID: 2403976

写的很理性很逻辑呐...所以会有些像G的文章. 语言结构很紧密, 值得学习! 三段的举例说明可以少点, 我个人建议. 因为大意是一样的, 1到2个就好了要不显得繁琐呐. 关于backgroundz的我也有同感, 读起来有limite的感觉. background范围很广的. 各种背景...总体讲语法语言都很值得学习!!

Chelsea_ChoiUID: 2437362

There is a hit（->hot?） discussion concerning that whether higher education should be accessible to everyone rather than only the elite students. Some people believe that everyone should have the chance to accomplish higher education, and it is the right of education(->people应该是人的权利吧), while others say that education of mortal students（这个……non-elite） would waste many resources which can enhance elite students' abilities. Though I admit that the elite students have higher probability to succeed, I always agree that higher education should be open to everyone.

First of all, the aim of education is not only to cultivate elite scholars, but also to distribute（感觉贡献的意思多些~disseminate knowledge) the knowledge. (in other word)The definition of education is to teach others and let others know the knowledge which they are not known before. Therefore, if we refuse to education（educate） some common students, it seemed opposite to the aim of education. Education is a kind of course to communicate with others. So without common ideas from common students, this course would get little effect. In a word, the most efficient way to （for）education is to embrace all kinds of students and communicate with different thoughts as well as knowledge. （总体感觉，有TS，有例证）

Secondly, it is so difficult to determine whether a student is an elite student. Everyone has own advantages compared with others. Someone don't have the higher grade, but he can play basketball quite well, like Kobe Bryant. Someone can not gain（a） satisfactory mark on tests, but he can solve the factual problems easily. And some one doesn't have a excellent GPA, but his mathematic is quite well. Therefore, no one can determine that some common students on study will not get success when they are grown up.(higher education = success? Kobe Bryant应该是不接受higher education 比较好的人群吧？) For example, one of my friends failed on some exams during his college life. Almost everyone thought he would get outstanding result on science. However, during his higher education, he attended many projects and solved some difficult problems using his remarkable intelligence.（个人感觉着眼点应该是：difficult to determine who is elite->difficult to decided who is appropriate in higher education，但本段基本上旨在讨论前半部分，到最后一个例子个人感觉要是说，**挂了很多科，学校认为他不行（然后再解释下学校的精英论就是分数），最后他再怎么一鸣惊人，切题一些）

In addition, the background of people take an ignorable role on one's life. Just think about some famous people. For instance, Abraham Lincoln. As we know, Abraham Lincoln didn't have the prominent background. When he was a child, his family was a little poor so that he can not accomplish his college life. However, no one can deny the paramount influence（the paramount influence这个我喜欢赞一个o(∩_∩)o…） on America which Lincoln gave. I have heard some news that an investigation shows that most college have the tendency to accept the students who have a poorer background. It is believed that poorer students would be more hard-working during their higher education. So we can see that the background of students can do little to later lives.（例子很支持TS，值得我学习，可是just as the last paragraph，侧重点有点不对, 难道elite不包括穷人吗？这段的论述给我的感觉是曾经只收elite的学校是不收穷人的~elite vs. common可以接受，可是elite vs. the poor……）

Of course, the elite students has more advantages, such as more resourses, more intelligent and more things have seen.（sorry, I don’t got it. Resource?） However, it doesn't mean that we should refuse the common students, which are the most part of students. Education should be open to everyone, no matter he is the elite one or not.

conclusion:

1. 语言上基本没有什么问题，结构也不错，逻辑为TS服务

2. 总体上，分论点应该为主题服务，个人感觉有人认为的是everyone,有人认为的是elite，主题就应该是这两个的对比，so elite vs. poor ?

3. 结尾上还可以提升~~

fighting~~~仅供参考~~看到上面的有点不敢发了~~~~

Chelsea_ChoiUID: 2437362

555555555为什么不是彩色的~~~我传的时候还是的 怎么进去就不是啦~~~

goback211UID: 2419259

7# Chelsea_Choi
没关系，我看得懂，呵呵，谢谢你拉

hyacinthUID: 2184492

3# goback211

不好意思。。。你的文章没有什么问题。。。是我的问题。。。题目看错了。。。>_<