cracking ibt essay! 小组写作组 duoluoqishi8 的 第1次作业

duoluoqishi8UID: 2656407

新人第一次作文 写得不好 请大家多指教
:loveliness: :loveliness:


Why people visit museums?
Many people visit museums when they travel to new places. Why do you think people visit museums?
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

..........................................................................................作文......................................................


Nowadays more and more people like to go to the museum when they travel to a new place.

The most widely accepted reason for it , suggested by many people, envision the museum as a collection of history and culture of a country. Take the for example, you may learn how people live a life in the ancient times, through the items displayed in the museum, from which we also can know a brief and simple description of culture and history about China in a short time.

In addition, there are a lot of artist works in the museum, which are created by many famous artists. Interested in the art, many people go to the museum appreciate the real arts works, including paintings, crafts and other things.

Finally, there are also pretty cherishable things in the museum, such as some fossils, paintings and other things. For example, Louvre museum in Paris have “the last supper”, “Mona Lisa Smile”, and other priceless artist works, which
attract a large amount of people to visit.

Taking all reasons into account, we may draw the conclusion that, museums definitely bring us much benefits.

FFtserAphUID: 2641938

上来先说字数哈，用word统计了下，一共189字，有些偏少哈，不过没关系，第一篇嘛，继续加强练习，写到300左右比较合适。 ^_^


Nowadays more and more people like to go to the museum when they travel to a new place.
开门见山，很好。但是文字略显少。
建议：（1）关注下题目改写的技巧和方法，怎么把同一个观点用不同方式全面的说出来。（2）可以在第一段融入一下"go to museum"的大致原因。

The most widely accepted reason for it, suggested by many people, ( 该位置插入 “is that people”) envision the museum as a collection of history and culture of a country. Take the for example (Take the for example -> For example), you may learn how people live a life in the ancient times, through the items displayed in the museum, from which we also can know a brief and simple description of cultureand history about China in a short time.
第一个地方：
去掉插入语 “suggested by many people” 后为 The most widely accepted reason for it envision the museumas a collection of history and culture of a country. 我个人谨慎感觉reason 和 envision 之间缺成分。
第二个地方： For example 或 Take ...(具体的东东) for example

In addition, there are a lot of artist works in the museum, whichare created by many famous artists. Interested in the art, many people go tothe museum appreciate ( 这个地方楼主是想表达“欣赏”艺术品这个行为吧，我在写的时候也遇到这个问题了，不能确定是否用“appreciate”，纠结中... ) the real arts works, includingpaintings, crafts and other things.


Finally, there are also pretty cherishable ( 表达“珍贵”的意思？cherishable -> rare ) things in the museum, such as some fossils, paintings andother things. For example, Louvre (Louvre -> Louver) museum in Paris have “the last supper”, “Mona Lisa Smile”, and other priceless artist works, which attract ( attract -> attracts) a largeamount of people to visit.

Taking all reasons into account, we may draw the conclusion that,museums definitely bring us much ( much -> many ) benefits.
最后一句总结的时候如果能扣到“people like to go to the museum”就更好了。

小结：
修改意见基于我对楼主文章的理解，难免有理解不准确的地方，请无视相应的修改意见。
文章的结构明确（总 - 分 - 分 - 分 -总），赞一个。
但是每个分论点的论述都略偏少。楼主加油。^_^
楼主7.25考试，还有充足的时间来提高，所以吐血推荐一个帖子，楼主看看，个人认为很有效。
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-967462-1-2.html
《Saavedro简谈如何有效提升TOEFL-IBTWriting写作语言表达》

duoluoqishi8UID: 2656407

呵呵 太感动了 虚心接受您的意见 同时 我最大的问题在于篇幅太少
我会努力的 谢谢 您的指点...............

goback211UID: 2419259

Nowadays more and more people like to go to the museum when they travel to a new place.(加一些背景，直接写比较单调，或者可以加一些例子，比如去北京就要去故宫，去巴黎就要去罗浮宫啊等等。再将原句修改下：Nowadays, more and more people would choose to visit museum as they spend their holiday in a new city.用不同的句子看上去好点)
The most widely accepted reason for it , suggested by many people, envision（这个词貌似用在这不合适，好像是想象的意思吧） the museum as a collection of history and culture of a country（这句话的谓语是什么？是不是少了）. Take the（the什么？） for example, you may learn how people live a life in the ancient times, through the items displayed in the museum, from which we also can know a brief and simple description of culture and history about China in a short time（既然是china的例子，前面的museum应该指明是哪个museum）.
In addition, there are a lot of artist works in the museum, which are created by many famous artists. Interested in the art, many people go to the museum appreciate the real arts works, including paintings, crafts and other things.(举例子)

Finally, there are also pretty cherishable things in the museum, such as some fossils, paintings and other things. For example, Louvre museum in Paris have “the last supper”, “Mona Lisa Smile”, and other priceless artist works, which attract a large amount of people to visit.
Taking all reasons into account, we may draw the conclusion that, museums definitely bring us much benefits.
字数太少，理由都挺好的，但是没有展开，只是说明了主题句。应该尽量举例子
语言方面还是有点chiglish的感觉，以后要注意，别轻易将中国话直接翻译过去
第一篇能写成这样，不错了，希望加油
我也是新手，在113楼，希望能来帮我修改，共同进步

duoluoqishi8UID: 2656407

Nowadays more and more people like to go to the museum when they travel to a new place.(加一些背景，直接写比较单调，或者可以加一些例子，比如去北京就要去故宫，去巴黎就要去罗浮宫啊等等。再将原句修改下： ...
goback211 发表于 2009-6-25 20:13

谢谢楼上的..............