08的作文修改小铺子

笨笨奔奔UID: 2623534

Playing computer games is a waste of time for children. Agree or disagree.

It is a well-known fact that games are prevailing in every part of the world. No matter adults or children both they all like playing games. However, upon the question, does playing computer games is a waste of time for children? Different people hold different opinions due to their various backgrounds and knowledge. Form my personal view, I am in favor of the opinion that playing computer games is benefit for children. The reasons for my opinion are as follows.

First of all, playing computer games is a good way to relax. As is known to all, nowadays our children must grasp a sea of knowledge in order to adapt the speed of the modern society development. But as the old saying goes, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Playing computer games can make children to relax from these heavy works. For example, my brother who always playing computer games when he studied tired, he felt refreshed after the games. Beside, statistical reports form the Center of children’ Development in Hong Kong demonstrated that the best way for the students to relax form study is to play some games.

In addition, playing computer games can increase children mental ability and thinking power, which is very important in children’ further development. Playing computer games can teach kids how to make a decision, increase children knowledge, improve the way of thinking and memory, thus can keep our kids mentally alert and allow kids to make the right decisions in their life. For instance, during the internet chess game our kids can learn how to analyze every situation they face and how to make the best choice from several possibilities. Therefore, from the computer games kids can learn the strategies and accumulate knowledge which they can apply on their real life.  

Furthermore, playing computer games can educate our kids a sense of competition. It is a good way to teach kids how to focus mind and energy to reach the goal and also teach our kids to divide a difficult problem into several relatively smaller and easier tasks and solve them one by one. Children can not learn these things in their schoolbooks even their teachers told them how to deal with a problem and reach the goal. Children can easily remember these things through the games. So I think playing computer games is not a waste of time for children but good things.

To sum up, although sometimes playing computer games has several drawbacks, they can not surpass the overwhelming advantages. So taking into account all the factors discussed above, we could safely come to the conclusion that playing computer games is good for children to relax as well as study.

谢谢你

贫民窟主UID: 2612844

非常感谢LZ，上一篇作文已经修改完毕了，谢谢LZ的意见。

这个是今天写的，辛苦了。

No matter how the society develops, education is always the topic which people concern deeply. As times passes by, the pattern of education begins to be discussed fiercely. Some people think that students should take different subjects as their classes, while others argue that students must focus on just one academic field. From my point of view, I prefer the former one, since in this way, students can gain knowledge more easily, solve social problems and never feel that study is a boring thing which they have to face.

Students in school must broaden their range of knowledge for their further life. Thus, they must try their best in their studies. But some students may find that they sometimes have problems while exploring their own major since a strange term appearing in their textbook. For instance, students majoring in sociology may meet the word "sample", which is usually considered as a mathematical term. If the students lack the knowledge about mathematics, they will probably fail to understand the sentence or even the passage containing this word. What's worse, they may fail in their final examination and even fail in the subject. So we can see the importance of learning other subjects.

In our recent society, people are required to be a generalist rather than a specialist, because solving problems always need knowledge from different fields. Take the same example-sociology-for example. Researchers always use the statistical method to investigate or analyze some questionnaires. Suppose that these persons do not master this kind of skill well. Then they cannot go on these affairs, which would a great loss to the entire society in that social policies depend on these reports. Therefore, multiple kinds of knowledge are very crucial for a person.

Furthermore, students who take distinct classes will often keep their passion to study. The saying "Laboring must go with amusing" shows that a person needs to know how to arrange his/her schedule to make his/her work effective, which can also describe students' learning. Concentrating on one thing for a long time can drive a person crazy easily, but when a person contracts two or more fields, he/she may feel fresh to each of them. As a result, students will not lose their interest in studying and also keep learning with high efficiency.

In sum, I think students in universities should take different kinds of classes for dissimilar courses can help students comprehend the knowledge, enhance their abilities to crack the troubles in front of them and always learn with enthusiasm.

xiwartsUID: 2606033

谢谢楼主详细的修改指导~~没写完的那部分貌似是粘贴过来弄掉了~~~
初尝写作还没啥感觉~~就像在挤牙膏~~
范文就看李笑来的高分作文可否？

jiang08UID: 2391146

谢谢楼主详细的修改指导~~没写完的那部分貌似是粘贴过来弄掉了~~~
初尝写作还没啥感觉~~就像在挤牙膏~~
范文就看李笑来的高分作文可否？
xiwarts 发表于 2009-7-9 01:16

可以，但是最好同时看看非应试类的文章，比如科学美国人上的（这个电驴上有），或者其它杂志上的，不然语言很容易僵化。

jiang08UID: 2391146

  Has technology made the world a better place to live?

Speaking of technology, different people will hold different views based on their own experiences and understanding. Some people will agree that technology is a useful tool which could help us in almost all fields, while others think technology has done more harm than good considering the damage to the environment and the pressure it brings to modern people. As far as I’m considered, technology indeed makes the world a better place for living and my reasons are as follows. 这个开头很流畅，很好

First and foremost, technology has brought countless convenience to people nowadays. Technology is a greater help to our work as well as our family affairs（affair有贬义，绯闻啥的，用family life比较好点）. We are now using computers to solve complicated problems we meet in the research programs, to collect large amout of information we need in study, and even to oragnize our finiacial affairs, all of which save us a lot of time and money. What’s more, it’s easy for us to travel to different places due to the fast and safe transportation such as airplane or trains, and just a portable cellphone can connect us with our friends and relatives who are in foreign countries.

Besides, thanks to the development in technology, we now live in a happier and healthier life. For example, Internet provides us with numerous ways to relax,（句号） we can chat with our friends online, play computer games, and watch live football games, all of these entertainments （改which，或者重新开始一句）make our lives more enjoyable. More importantly, advancement in medical equipment leads to more breakthroughs in curing the deadly diseases, resulting （缺in） the longevity of human beings.

Nevertheless, there’s no denying that technology has made some negative effects to our environment. We’re now breathing dirty air polluted by the exhaust gases from cars, and drinking poisonous water contaminated by chemical wastes. Technology will still continue to damage our environment if we do not take effective actions.

Based on the reasons stated above, we can still make the conclusion that technology is making a better world despite its bad influence. All we have to do in the future is to make the technology move toward the direction of creating a better world.
walala 发表于 2009-7-7 18:14

这位同学的进步很大，太感人了TT。论证观点，语句都没有问题，对于让步的语气也把握得很好。
有一个错误就是对于逗号的使用。在中文上语气可能是承接的，但是英文写作必须时刻注意句子结构，文章里还有几处这样的错误，改正就很好了。

jiang08UID: 2391146

Playing computer games is a waste of time for children. Agree or disagree.7 p- n) q$ ]3 ?4 X

It is a well-known fact that games are prevailing in every part of the world. No matter adults or children both they all like playing games（这句话问题很多，both和all是冲突的；they指代不明且造成第二个主语；建议：No matter adults or children, people all love playing computer games）. However, upon the question (多余), does playing computer games is a waste of time for children?（does，is一句话两个动词） Different people hold different opinions due to their various backgrounds and knowledge. Form my personal view, I am in favor of the opinion that playing computer games is benefit（beneficial） for children. The reasons for my opinion are as follows.

First of all, playing computer games is a good way to relax. As is known to all, nowadays our children must grasp a sea of knowledge in order to adapt （缺to） the speed of the modern society development.(这句话太牵强了，孩子上学和飞速发展的社会有啥关系?其实学校是象牙塔最不受干扰的了（这是题外话了）。要写的话，改成 ....in order to prepare themselves for their future career.) But as the old saying goes, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Playing computer games can make children to （搭配：make sb. do sth.）relax from these heavy works. For example, my brother who always playing（plays） computer games when he studied tired （改feel tired of school work）, he felt refreshed after the games. Beside（s）, statistical reports form 拼写 the Center of children’ Development in Hong Kong demonstrated that the best way for the students to relax form study is to play some games.

In addition, playing computer games can increase children mental ability and thinking power（两个词组是一个意思，后面的搭配比较拗口，建议删了）, which is very important in children’ further development. Playing computer games can teach kids how to make a decision, increase children('s) knowledge, improve the way of thinking and memory, thus can keep our kids mentally alert and allow kids to make the right decisions in their life. For instance, during the internet chess game our kids can learn how to analyze every situation they face and how to make the best choice from several possibilities. Therefore, from the computer games kids can learn the strategies and accumulate knowledge which they can apply on their real life.这个例子不是最好，因为你说的情况是chess game特有的，没有写出电脑游戏的好处。要想想电脑游戏独一无二的东西，比如网友大家加强合作团结啦啥的

Furthermore, playing computer games can educate our kids a sense of competition（中式表达，改instill a sense of competition into kids）. It is a good way to teach kids how to focus mind （and energy多余，不要逐字翻译 ） to reach the goal and also teach our kids to divide a difficult problem into several relatively smaller and easier tasks and solve them one by one. Children can not learn these things in their schoolbooks even their teachers told them how to deal with a problem and reach the goal. Children can easily remember these things through the games. So I think playing computer games is not a waste of time for children but good things. 首先想一下这一段的论点是什么？一般是第一句话了，培养竞争意识。那么后面几句都应该围绕这个观点来说，但这里你写到了其它的内容（如何解决问题啥的），自己必须先选择好sub-topic sentence，然后把论点展开，用点例子，比如我们说竞争意识，那么你要写一下哪个游戏会让孩子有恰当的竞争意识，which can not be learned from school work，这样还是可以和倒数第2句挂钩。这段最后一句纯属多余，而且太口语化。

To sum up, although sometimes playing computer games has several drawbacks（前面的论证没有提到过，结论段就最好不要提出新的概念）, they can not surpass the overwhelming advantages. So taking into account all the factors discussed above, we could safely come to the conclusion that playing computer games is good for children to relax as well as study（改as a way to both relax and study）.1
笨笨奔奔 发表于 2009-7-8 09:50

中式翻译的表达方式有点多，尽量扩大阅读面，不要局限于应试材料，也可以看点报纸杂志啥的，或者网上的新闻报道。

jiang08UID: 2391146

非常感谢LZ，上一篇作文已经修改完毕了，谢谢LZ的意见。3 K2 z3 y& k# e& K7 z, \
这个是今天写的，辛苦了。

这次怎么忘了先写题目了呢？这样不好，下次不带啊，呵呵。
No matter how the society develops, education is always the topic which people concern deeply. As times passes by, the pattern of education begins to be discussed fiercely（comes into heated discussion）. Some people think that students should take different subjects as their classes（subject已经包含科目的意思，不用as their classes）, while others argue that students must focus on just one academic field. From my point of view, I prefer the former one, since in this way, students can gain knowledge more easily, solve social problems and never feel that study is a boring thing which they have to face.

加个连词Firstly之类的比较好，Students in school must broaden their range of knowledge for their further life. Thus, they must try their best in their studies. But some students may find that they sometimes have problems while exploring their own major since a strange term appearing （when encountering a strange term）in their textbook. For instance, students majoring in sociology may meet the word "sample", which is usually considered as a mathematical term. If the students lack the knowledge about mathematics, they will probably fail to understand the sentence or even the passage containing this word. What's worse, they may fail in their final examination and even fail in the subject. So we can see the importance of learning other subjects. 这个例子很好，但是建议在开头两句提到学科的交叉性，例如：Firstly, it is imperative that students should broaden their range of knowledge, since many subjects now involve cross-disciplined information.

(加个Also之类的,)In our recent society, people are required to be a generalist rather than a specialist, because solving problems always need(s) knowledge from different fields. Take the same example-sociology-（sociology case）for example. Researchers always use the statistical method to investigate or analyze some questionnaires. Suppose that these persons do not master this kind of skill well. Then they cannot go on these affairs（改tasks）, which would （缺be）a great loss to the entire society in that social policies depend on these reports. Therefore, multiple kinds of knowledge are very crucial for a person. 这段论点和上一段的唯一区别（你还用了同一个例子。。）恐怕就在学生时代和工作以后，两者本质上是一样的，而题目（虽然我没看见。。）应该是针对学生的，这一段就更不合适了

Furthermore, students who take distinct （different？） classes will often keep their passion to study. The saying "Laboring must go with amusing" shows that a person needs to know how to arrange his/her schedule to make his/her work effective, which can also describe students' learning.这句会引起误导，让人以为你要说娱乐的重要性。 Concentrating on one thing for a long time can drive a person crazy easily（这句太偏激了，concentrating on one thing for a long time can sometimes be bothersome）, but when a person contracts（想表达？） two or more fields, he/she may feel fresh to each of them (fresh的用法：the concept is fresh for me 注意主被动关系，建议改成：he may find the subjects fresh every now and then). As a result, students will not lose their interest in study(ing) and also keep learning with high efficiency（keep high efficiency in learning）.

: U" m3 ?  q3 f5 V; q; ?
In sum（To sum up）, I think students in universities should take different kinds of classes for dissimilar（这词很少用吧） courses can help students comprehend the knowledge, enhance their abilities to crack the troubles in front of them and always learn with enthusiasm.
贫民窟主 发表于 2009-7-8 21:43

综合看你上次的作文，不知道你写作文的时候有没有查字典的习惯哦？如果有要改掉。

walalaUID: 2603375

:loveliness:呵呵~真有那么好么，LZ说得我都不好意思了~
恩，我就是尽量避免你说的几个问题，加上多看范文吧~LZ辛苦了^^

activeyingUID: 2662534

(辛苦楼主了，近来作文有些混沌，亟须理顺思维，下面这个题目帮偶看看吧，有您的点拨定能柳暗花明啊~~~)

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is better to have one or two close friends than to have a large number of casual acquaintances.

      Generally speaking,what character you are tends you to have one or two close friends or a large number of casual acquaintances. If you are an easy-going man and enjoying spending your spare time with many friends,it will be a good choice that having many friends.If you are a quiet and independent person,that will be much better to have few close friends.However,let's imagine that the character is not the main factor.In most cases then,you may would rather decide how many friends you want following these reasons.
     First, in the society everyone needs friends to meet the demand of communication.So some people hold the idea that the more friends we have,the more convenient when we need communicating.However,we also find some people who have numbers of friends are still alone.Thought the things bother them,they even can't find who can be trusted to tell. Provided that the things trouble us are private and secret,we prefer to talk with our close friends instead of a large number of casual acquaintances.At that time,we can see that how precious close friends are.
     Second, it depends on the cost you spending on the making friends.One or two close friends will not occupy the most of your spare time and money spending on the parties or other forms of being togethter. On the other hand,it will take such a long time to say hello to a large number of friends,not even to say to have a hearted communication with them. So having few close friends is more economical than too many friends because we always get more benefits from our close friends.
     Third,close friends are more significant in our daily life which is filled with competitions and credit crisisses. Only our close friends who we are getting long time with them, could we make sure the honesty and other precious characters of them.Then the more in-depth discussion and the more positive impact will be possible between close friends and us.Complete trust is the best feeling between few close friends and will never be among lots of casual friends who you acquaintant.
     In the conclusion,having one or two close friends is better than a large number of  casual acquaintances.Thanks to the close friends,our life become more and more relaxed and beautiful.

daney68UID: 2582640

具体点？啥情况？伦敦大雾那个？
jiang08 发表于 2009-7-8 01:12

有两句话，我想这样表达，“如果人类没有历史这面镜子的话，在今后的处理问题上还会犯下更多的错误”。想用一个虚拟语气，不知道怎么表达好？还有一句是全文的主题句，“我认为学生应该学习历史，因为他们不仅可以对一个国家的文化及价值观有更深入的了解，同时还可以根据历史的经验教训处理当前的一些问题。”
不知道这样一个主题句用什么样的句型表达比较好？麻烦楼主啦:)

贫民窟主UID: 2612844

综合看你上次的作文，不知道你写作文的时候有没有查字典的习惯哦？如果有要改掉。
jiang08 发表于 2009-7-9 06:54

呃。。。为啥会这么说。。。词语用得很怪么？
我把题目补上：75. Some universities require students to take classes in many subjects. Other universities require students to specialize in one subject. Which is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
还有个问题，第一和第二段我是想从两个方面来说：一个是在学生时代学习多种学科对学习有好处，能够促进学习；另外一个是当学生工作了，学习过多种学科同样可以适应社会的要求。这两个算重复么？

thatllUID: 2538832

1，
Do you agree or disagree? Playing computer games is wasting time; children should not be allowed to play them.

Computer games are growing more and more prevalent and the related industry correspondingly becomes bigger. Playing computer games is usually a normal activity and also helpful to develop one’s reflection ability and practical capacity. But everything has a coin of two sides. If you become addicted to playing computer games, then the problems such as wasting time and doing harm to the health of children will come up. Hence, from my point of view, the trouble stated above cannot be blamed on computer games themselves; on the contrary, we should introspect ourselves from the self-control ability to the education. So it is natural to render my opinion of the issue that playing computer games cannot be depicted as wasting time and children may be allowed to play them as long as we can achieve self-control.

Computer games are designed for people to have pastime and obtain enjoyment. Therefore, playing computer games can help people better sparetime life. For example, we students are the most customers of the computer game industry and we find many computer games are very interesting and also can enhance various abilities such as imagination and organization. During the spare time, we will use such games for killing time and we will also communicate with roommates about the plots of the games or the designs of the games. Such activities can not only help us increase the affection of dormitory but also provoke the interest of studying the program of the computer games. Although we can provide many examples of students becoming languid and dropped behind in the learning of the major, it is unfair to totally ascribe such home things to computer games. That whether wasting time or not depends on the individual who plays computer games suggests it’s not the attribute of computer games； instead we should be aware that the bane may be rooted in ourselves. So, if we want to solve the problem currently existing, we should elevate ourselves from various aspects.
As to the issue of children’s allowance to play computer games, my answer is the same as the one before. I absolutely agree with that children should be allowed to play computer games because many computer games designed for the children mean to help develop the diverse ability of the children. Computer games for children are always scientifically conceived and if parents can effectively control the time of playing the consequence of children’s playing computer games will be positive and make all satisfied, including the children, parents and the whole human beings. So we hope our parents can accompany the children to play some computer games especial for children properly and help them healthfully grow up.

In conclusion, playing computer games itself cannot be up there on the harm scale. As long as we can properly manage ourselves, such games will serve us helpfully.

jiang08UID: 2391146

(辛苦楼主了，近来作文有些混沌，亟须理顺思维，下面这个题目帮偶看看吧，有您的点拨定能柳暗花明啊~~~)

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is better to have one or two close friends than to have a large number of casual acquaintances.

Generally speaking,what character you are tends you to (tend用法：tend to do sth；建议改为：your characters decide whether you'll) have one or two close friends or a large number of casual acquaintances. If you are an easy-going man and enjoying spending your spare time with many friends,it will be a good choice that having (to have) many friends (一句句子中避免两种重复的表达方法，另外enjoy spending time已经表达了这是一个好选择的意思，有点类似“因为我enjoy听音乐，所以我喜欢听音乐”的逻辑).If you are a quiet and independent person,that（改it） will be much better to have few close friends.However,let's imagine that the character is not the main factor.（你在论证，不能假设一个你已经陈述过的论点：前几句话都表达了你认同性格的作用；可以改用让步语气）In most cases then,you may would （两个助动词不能连用）rather decide how many friends you want （缺for the） following these reasons. 关于性格在这个问题上的分量，前后论证有矛盾的迹象；另外不要在第一段展开那么多，先用一句让步表示性格有一部分决定作用，然后就直接说还有更重要的因素，如下：。不过相比前面说到的，这第一段没有点题，你没有说你对题目观点的看法，很严重的审题错误。

First, in the society everyone needs friends to meet the demand of communication.So some people hold the idea that the more friends we have,the more convenient （缺it is）when we need communicating（能用名词的情况下就先不要用动名词，改communication）.However,we also find （这个we比较象是科研/广告人员的语气，建议:it is true that） some people who have numbers （a number）of friends are still alone.Thought （？）the things bother them,they even can't find who can be trusted to tell（拗口，建议改为：When faced with troubles, they even can't find a trustworthy friend to confide them）. Provided that the things trouble（定语从句，that trouble或troubling） us are private and secret,we prefer to talk with our close friends instead of a large number of casual acquaintances.At that time,we can see that how precious close friends are. 看到这里，才隐约看出你是赞成close friends？

Second, it depends on the cost you spending on （the） making friends （这句话的it指代什么？选择怎样的朋友？）.One or two close friends will not occupy the most of your spare time and money spending （改spent） on the parties or other forms of being togethter (改and alike). On the other hand,it will take such a long time to say hello to a large number of friends,not even to say to have a hearted communication with them (是说在party上？要指明你说这句话的情况，不然怎么就无缘无故跟人打招呼了，而且没有人说你一定要一次性跟所有熟人都say hello。。。) . So having few close friends is more economical than too many friends（a large number of casual acquaintances） because we always get more benefits from our close friends.because后面的句子纯属多余，你这段的理由说的是朋友少省钱，并没有说他们带来的好处。暂且不论朋友和金钱的关系，这个经济上的理由很难成立，并没有人强制你和不熟的朋友party，也没有人肯定你不经常和很熟的朋友出去吃饭K歌。

Third,close friends are more significant in our daily life which is filled with competitions and credit crisisses. Only our close friends who we are getting long time with them, could we make sure the honesty and other precious characters of them.Then the more in-depth discussion and the more positive impact will be possible between close friends and us.Complete trust is the best feeling between few close friends and will never be among lots of casual friends who you acquaintant. Sorry，这段没法帮你改了，你想表达的观点是啥？？也许我误会你了，但我感觉这一段是词穷了，把你熟悉的句子都丢一块儿就结了。。想说朋友之间的信任？那和第一段差不多。或者可以稍微改下，写close friends可以给你做榜样（这是点头之交所做不到的）。

In （the） conclusion,having one or two close friends is better than a large number of  casual acquaintances.Thanks to the close friends,our life become more and more relaxed and beautiful. 最后这句可以不要了。。。帽子戴的太大了点
activeying 发表于 2009-7-9 13:00

思路的确不太明朗。。。最重要的是你必须在第一段写出你的立场。这种类型的题目（A好还是B好），在论证的时候要抓住AB的区别来写，假设知音=A，点头之交=B。首先确认你赞成A，那么：可以和A说知心话（这是B做不到的）；A比B省钱（也是两者对比）。抓住这个走基本就不会很偏了。要勤加练习啊~

jiang08UID: 2391146

“如果人类没有历史这面镜子的话，在今后的处理问题上还会犯下更多的错误”。想用一个虚拟语气，不知道怎么表达好？还有一句是全文的主题句，“我认为学生应该学习历史，因为他们不仅可以对一个国家的文化及价值观有更深入的了解，同时还可以根据历史的经验教训处理当前的一些问题。”
daney68 发表于 2009-7-9 15:23

More similar mistakes are doomed to happen in the future if we don't look back into history. 虚拟语气我学的不是最好，下面可能会说错- -！虚拟表示已经发生的事情，而你的句子说“还会”，表示还没发生的事情，所以虚拟语气用不上去，我只能做到这样子了。。。请原谅。。。
另一句：I hold that history should be a mandatory course, from which students can have deeper understanding of different cultures and their values, as well as handle current issues based on historic lessons.

jiang08UID: 2391146

呃。。。为啥会这么说。。。词语用得很怪么？
我把题目补上：75. Some universities require students to take classes in many subjects. Other universities require students to specialize in one subject. ...
贫民窟主 发表于 2009-7-9 19:17

俄，有些词是挺怪的，我觉得如果你在没有上下文情况下学的单词最好还是不要用在作文里。当然也可能是我词汇量不够说胡话了:L
我觉得学生时代和工作是差不多的，主要是你说的都是同一个问题：阅读本专业文献时候遇到的问题。建议可以把工作以后那段说成学会和不同领域的人打交道，必须在学生时代就对各领域都了解下才好？我脑袋干涸了，，，你看看能不能顺着这个写？或者有啥别的想法？