【好多字】ARGU写作逻辑问题求解～Argument188【Triple Week】第4次练习by david36355

david36355UID: 2603992

31号就考了，思前想后，思后想前，是时候给自己写作argument的众多疑问来一个了结了！连题库都没看全，接下来这不是要挂么！
于是借着小组互改写作的机会，弄了这样一个庞大的提问帖。

没有海量的GTB弄那个BZ华丽板砖卡，虽然动过赊购的念头……所以只能发到这里来奢望引起诸位的注意～
废话不多说了。
虽然这些问题当中很多都是很死板的思维，其实怎样都无所谓的，压根儿没有固定的答案；
但是鉴于这是一个破考试，而且要能够摆脱这些死板思维的话，先要对它熟悉才好。
那么请容许我稍微极端死板一下儿，表露一下自己的恐惧与慌张。毕竟时间无多，手法未熟。


就是这样儿，走过的路过的请积极DISCUSS一下儿～


TO TRIPLE WEEK 组员：修改完毕，用红笔标了一次……修改的同学麻烦先全变成黑的再修改，多谢～

TOPIC: ARGUMENT188 - A new report suggests that men and women experience pain very differently from one another, and that doctors should consider these differences when prescribing pain medications. When researchers administered the same dosage of kappa opioids-a painkiller-to 28 men and 20 women who were having their wisdom teeth extracted, the women reported feeling much less pain than the men, and the easing of pain lasted considerably longer in women. This research suggests that kappa opioids should be prescribed for women whenever pain medication is required, whereas men should be given other kinds of pain medication. In addition, researchers should reevaluate the effects of all medications on men versus women.
WORDS: 342          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2009-7-17 18:33:38


The author suggested that kappa opioids be utilzed exclusively for women as pain-killer, which based on a research that indicates such prescription for women embraces a better effect than men do. From the case the further assertion given by the argument is that, all the medications require a reassessment according to different genders. Query, though, the credibility of both the conclusion and the evidence, for the details of the research and the conclusion are expected to be revealed.
第一段结束……
自己确实没有进行过任何模板的整理工作，倒不是害怕雷同之类，只是觉着按照模板写作有点儿不像写作。
私以为，首段要做的工作
1）是对人家给的一通话进行基于某种逻辑上的简短复述。但是问题就来了……自己写作的时候，发现这个逻辑并不好找。
以上头为例，【THE AUTHOR SUGGESTED-->which based on-->from the case the further assertion is】 这三个部分是自己找的逻辑所在，但看起来仍然十分之面十分之烂= =感觉不好。那么问题一就是：如何能够加强此处的逻辑性，让人一看就感觉这人写头一段逻辑就哗哗的……
2）问题二……复述之后就要杀入正题了。那么，单纯的模板式开局就是【Admittedly this argument might seem well-presented at first glance; but it is in fact wholly indefensible as it stands. The reasons are stated as follows.】诸如此云。乍一看好多字儿，其实就是【你往下看】四个字儿。
而问题二就这样来了：如何在此处也体现出信息量？
A.是对接下来的文章进行概述吗?（私觉得在前面复述文章的时候其实已经和下文的逻辑暗暗对应了呀，用费力再重新parapharse一下么？）
B.或者我只是单纯地想太多了…………【你往下看】占些字数也没有不好的?
C.各位看官有没有更加嚣张的见解？


【Basically, the evidence the author utilized to support his claim, is unable to convince me on the issue. 】The research itself was processed with haste and flaws, or at least we should be informed more details, in the following aspects. （这里再放一句，已经有入题慢之嫌了）Firstly, the experiment was based on a 48-person research, and the samples were inadequate to summarize all posiblities. Besides, the same dosage of kappa opioid used, though, the author fails to give information explaining the individual difference, for it is entirely possible that certain group of the testers were innately sensitive to pains, or the testing wisdom teeth was of different situation. Additionally，the vague of the treatment after teeth extraction also allow us to cast doubt on the issue.
当然，鉴于一共argument练了六七个，前期积累亦严重缺乏，语言必然不够地道鲜美……
但是还是有一堆问题。
1）关于第一句的TS。自己写了之后哑然失笑：Saber组长说像模板。虽然没自己弄过，不过还真有模板气息。
那么问题一：将第一句设定为TS还是符合MASS PRODUCTION的阅卷形式的，这里大家应该没有异议。
但是，本人在此处给出的TS，说的是：【证据不足】，仅此而已。下文接上的，是事件中种种的问题。

简单地说，如果说ARGUMENT是【逐条批判】的文章，那么此处写的东西就是
【犯错误A的有：××××。 犯错误B的有：××××。】

是否这种写法可行？（当然，这篇文章中写得逻辑很混乱，不就本文探讨）

2）关于接下来的论证。
前几天在坛子里晃，看到最后的使徒BZ以前的一篇习作= =（我承认这个EVA向的ID严重吸引了我……）
在这篇习作中，攻击的每一段都分了FIRST, SECOND, THIRD这样的接续词，使得整个逻辑顺序很清楚。私见后大喜，以为这不就和高中烂糟糟文综大题有异曲同工之妙了么。
那么，所谓论证中的逻辑，除了用这些接续词来承载，还可以怎样体现？

What`s more, the author came to the conclusion that under all the circumstances, should the kappa opioids be prescribed as women`s pain-killer, which violates my intuition. Fundamentally, no prove turns out that the medicine works perfectly in every case. In fact, the only case the author gave was the wisdom teeth issue, while it is still to be confirmed. On the other hand, the author also excludes the case that kappa opioids gives contribution to stop men`s pains, which is under no grounds.
At the same time, there is completely no substantiation for the researchers to reevaluate all the medications variability between the two genders. Had the research to be reliable, we could not rush to a conclusion that all medicines need to be reconfirmed.（这一段写得很短，因为手不熟练，没时间啦= =)

这一段就不详细改了= =
问题奉上：
1）大家看到在上头有一个violates my intuition，这个实话说是从老外280中山寨过来的。
但是在一篇文章中，Saber组长对一篇文章中出现的my呀me呀I呀表示异议。
那么，文章中究竟应该是MY ME I 还是 OUR US WE？哪种说法比较好？
2）这个问题比较大……

这篇文章攻击点一共就这么多。写出文章之后，也应该是像鱼骨头一样的骨架儿那样组织才好。
虽然道理很明显，但是应该怎样安排最大的三个观点？应该放什么，顺序怎样排？
但是就这道题而言，怎样的摆放顺序能够体现出很强的逻辑性呢？有没有比较一般性的规律或者思路呢？

In sum, the conclusion in the argument lies on a research which is to be questioned, and there`s controversies on the point that men and women differs on the sense of pain. The conclusion can be of great credibility if the author gives more detail about （此处被CUT了……纯30分钟）

结尾很没悬念地不够时间了。

之前看到了BZ从国外转来的6分范文及自述，提到要加重结尾的分量；
那么，结尾是否是这样写就OK：
【最后，这道题问题在于（变个词儿把第一段复述的部分重写一遍）。要是能××就好了（罗列改进措施）】结束。



其实大多数的问题边码出来便无语。但是还是有一点儿值得探讨的地方吧………………以上。

david36355UID: 2603992

自顶。各位同学争先恐后地来看呀！

david36355UID: 2603992

无耻人工置顶= =

newletter2002UID: 2653136

顶一记 学习ing

ahngUID: 2605383

LZ好认真，先顶下～

ahngUID: 2605383

TOPIC: ARGUMENT188 - A new report suggests that men and women experience pain very differently from one another, and that doctors should consider these differences when prescribing pain medications. When researchers administered the same dosage of kappa opioids-a painkiller-to 28 men and 20 women who were having their wisdom teeth extracted, the women reported feeling much less pain than the men, and the easing of pain lasted considerably longer in women. This research suggests that kappa opioids should be prescribed for women whenever pain medication is required, whereas men should be given other kinds of pain medication. In addition, researchers should reevaluate the effects of all medications on men versus women.
WORDS: 342          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2009-7-17 18:33:38


The author suggested that kappa opioids be utilzed exclusively for women as pain-killer, which (is) based on a research that indicates(去掉) such prescription for women embraces a better effect than men do(去掉). From the case(不知from the case是什么意思) the further assertion given by the argument is that, all the medications require a reassessment according to different genders. Query, though, the credibility of both the conclusion and the evidence, for the details of the research and the conclusion are expected to be revealed.(这句写的不大对)
注：
1、看得不顺主要是句式写的不好，实际上逻辑是正确的。
2、最后一句如果觉得琐碎，可以直接写In my point, the argument turns out to be problematic in many respects. :D
3、我是主张开门见山直截了当的，这样可以给人一种清新的感觉 :D

Basically, the evidence (that) the author utilized to support his claim, is unable to convince me on the issue. The research itself was processed with haste and flaws, or at least we should be informed more details, in the following aspects.(开头琐碎，可以直接一句话，evidences given by the author are insufficient to support the conclusion.) Firstly, the experiment was based on a 48-person research, and(这里不是并列关系不能用and) the samples were inadequate to summarize all posiblities.(这句写的不大好，“样本不能总接出所有可能”，不如说成，“样本不具有很好的统计特征”，当然这是比较抽象的说法，可以更简单的说“样本数量过少，对于结论不具有代表性) Besides, the same dosage of kappa opioid used, though, the author fails to give information explaining the individual difference, for it is entirely possible that certain group of the testers were innately sensitive to pains, or the testing wisdom teeth was of different situation.(写的抽象，可以找几种情况解释一下) Additionally，the vague of the treatment after teeth extraction also allow us to cast doubt on the issue.(需要再说下哪些方面可能vague)

What`s more, the author came to the conclusion that under all the circumstances, should the kappa opioids be prescribed as women`s pain-killer, which violates my intuition. Fundamentally, no prove(proof) turns out that the medicine works perfectly in every case. In fact, the only case the author gave was the wisdom teeth issue, while it is still to be confirmed. On the other hand, the author also excludes the case that kappa opioids gives contribution to stop men`s pains, which is under no grounds.(没看懂，可能是说“作者也忽视了KO对男人疼痛也具有抑制作用?“)

At the same time, there is completely no substantiation for the researchers to reevaluate all the medications variability between the two genders. Had the research to be reliable(句式有问题), we could not rush to a conclusion that all medicines need to be reconfirmed.

1、my me i 可以写，但是不要多写，一般说文章不能让我信服之类的话
2、文章的大错误可以分别用一段来详细写，您这篇每个错误点都是1，2句话带过，所以体现不出来哪个更重要，重要的要多写－ －

In sum, the conclusion in the argument lies on a research which is to be questioned, and there`s controversies on the point that men and women differs on the sense of pain. The conclusion can be of great credibility if the author gives more detail about （此处被CUT了……纯30分钟）

结尾不是关键，稍微总结下就行。

您倒不必考虑这些小的问题，写文章关键在于内容充实，我觉得您更多应该把注意力放在怎样举例证，怎样支持自己的观点攻击别人的错误，怎样让别人信服。开头结尾固然重要，但是正真重要的还是正文；总结性的Top Sentence固然重要，但是真正重要的还是支持性的论证，所有的一切都需要建立在论证的基础上。

您找的点还是满多的，但是组织这些点进行攻击显得不是很好，主要的问题是，攻击逻辑不明确，攻击时对于每个问题叙述的不够详尽，也就是不具有说服力。

david36355UID: 2603992

7# ahng
多谢多谢！等一下再改然后再传～

423165179UID: 2649312

个人认为按照题目里面错误出现的顺序排列即可啊，有人建议用大错误置上，小错误放后，或上面的错误是下面的错误的基础等等安排文章的方式。
但是那好麻烦吧，不如就按错误出现的顺序，只要交代清楚就好了啊。

恃才公子UID: 2887925

188的结论究竟是什么哪？