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tomatoeggsUID: 82073

[B]Issue16
"Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, they in fact, prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals."[/SIZE][/B]


Do modern luxuries serve to undermine our true strength and independence as individuals? The speaker believes so, and I tend to agree. Consider the automobile, for example. Most people consider the automobile a necessity rather than a luxury; yet it is for this very reason that the automobile so aptly supports the speaker's point. To the extent that we depend on cars as crutches, they prevent us from becoming truly independent and strong in character as individuals.
可借鉴之处：开头启用了一个非常醒目的问句，这是最能吸引批卷者视线也是高分作文的表现！


Consider first the effect of the automobile on our independence as individuals. In some respects the automobile serves to enhance such independence. For example, cars make it possible for people in isolated and depressed areas without public transportation to become more independent by pursuing gainful employment outside their communities. And teenagers discover that owning a car, or even borrowing one on occasion, affords them a needed sense of independence from their parents.
此段主要是为下一段的驳论作铺垫。
精华：Consider first…
in some respects…=in some cases, to some extent
注意afford 的用法

However, cars have diminished our independence in a number of more significant respects. We've grown dependent on our cars for commuting to work. We rely on them like crutches for short trips to the corner store, and for carting our children to and from school. Moreover, the car has become a means not only to our assorted physical destinations but also to the attainment of our socioeconomic goals, insofar as the automobile has become a symbol ofstatus. In fact, in my observation many, if not most, working professionals willingly undermine their financial security for the sake of being seen driving this year's new SUV or luxury sedan. In short, we've become slaves to the automobile.

精华：diminish our independence in a number of more significant respects
注意not only… but also 的用法
没有什么惊天地泣鬼神的事例，但却能用平常生活中的点滴起到说理的作用，此法值得借鉴。

Consider next the overall impact of the automobile on our strength as individuals, by which I mean strength of character, or mettle. I would be hard-pressed to list one way in which the automobile enhances one's strength of character. Driving a powerful SUV might afford a person a feeling and appearance of strength, or machismo（男人气魄）. But this feeling has nothing to do with a person's true character. In contrast, there is a certain strength of character that comes with eschewing modern conveniences such as cars, and with the knowledge that one is contributing to a cleaner and quieter environment, a safer neighborhood, and arguably a more genteel society. Also, alternative modes of transportation such as bicycling and walking are forms of exercise which require and promote the virtue of self-discipline. Finally, in my observation people who have forsaken the automobile spend more time at home, where they are more inclined to prepare and even grow their own food, and to spend more time with their families. The former enhances one's independence; the latter enhances the integrity of one's values and the strength of one's family.

精华： contribute to
Consider next… Also,… Finally, … in my observation…
Be inclined to do sth. = cling to do sth. = intend to do sth. = be apt to do / aptly do sth.
一种比较简单易行的对比/类比：The former… the latter…


To sum up, the automobile helps illustrate that when a luxury becomes a necessity it can sap（注意此位gre常考单词） our independence and strength as individuals. Perhaps our society is better off, on balance, with such "luxuries"; after all, the automobile industry has created countless jobs, raised our standard of living, and made the world more interesting. However, by becoming slaves to the automobile we trade off（=sacrifice） a certain independence and inner strength.

此文章得分应该是>5分了。为什么？ 首先， 头尾都不错；其次，全文无太多的语法错误，表意清晰，举例恰到好处； 再次，分析手法运用了不完全否定的同意的辩论方式，这是最保守的做法。

SMMUID: 106624

I don’t think this essay deserving a high score.
The author discussed only one example-the automobile. The author failed to fully address the complex topic.

tomatoeggsUID: 82073

最初由 SMM 发表
[B]I don’t think this essay deserving a high score.
The author discussed only one example-the automobile. The author failed to fully address the complex topic. [/B]

So what do you think the proper way to address the whole complex topic? You thought an excellent essay should pose many examples, only which can explain the elusive question.

SMMUID: 106624

First. Congratulations!
U have become a famous person!
http://edu.sina.com.cn/en/2003-04-22/11388.html

And thank you very much for your kind helps.


Sure, some essays are scored 6 by presenting only one example. But your example must be very suitable for the topic, and you must discuss most respects of the topic using this example.

I'm worryring that for me, one example may not enough, at least not so many words to say about it.

I will thingk this topic again and give my points of view.

gteryyUID: 114434

OOPS，应该给我们蛋蛋稿费？

莫非蛋蛋已经受到啦？那还不请我们吃番茄蛋？！哈哈

angeikimUID: 4857

哇，蛋蛋，你要去抗议，没有经过你的许可就转了。
你在你的签名里面放上未经许可不许转载每日一评否则付稿费