TOEFL集结号暑期作文第8次作业by MVT

MVTUID: 2588209

TOPIC: Agree or disagree, technology cause children show less creative than they were in past.周三22：00交
SYLLABUS:
1. 不同意；
2. 承认为孩子节省了脑力必要；
3. 但是为还在节省了时间，可以更好地学习；
4. 也同样提出了新的挑战，给出新问题来培训孩子的创造力；
5. 结论：不应该责怪技术，而应该从教育系统去分析。充分利用技术只会更好地培养孩子的创造性思维。

The above statement thinks that technology impedes children's creativity nowadays compared to the past. The speaker worries about the modern technology will restrain the creative motivation of youngsters maybe because of the super intelligent technologies are increasingly used in people's lives. As I am concerned, I disagree with this perspective that technology causes children be less creative than before.

Admittedly, children live in a broad utilization of modern technologies. To solve a mathematics problem, one could resort to calculators instead of brain working. When meet a problem in laboratory, a student can google the related events happened historically for answers. Without cooking in the kitchen, children can prepare their meal through automatic microwave oven, and even can finish this only by dial a snack booking number. Children need not build or create everything using their own hands as their counterparts lived in pre-industrialized age.

However, the extensive utilization of technologies among children does not impede their inspiration on creativity. To begin with, children could enjoy a huge convenience with the help of modern technology. Our children can study several courses they like through the Internet lecture programmes. They don't need to attend the class by nearly half hours walk or certain minutes to take school bus. The time saved can be fully used to prepare a new class or to finish more house assignments. From this point, the obvious convenience resulted from modern technology pave a good way for children's study and future success.

Moreover, modern technologies also provide a large numbers of opportunities to breed and incite children's creativity. Children needn't to figure out how computers are manufactured and why people can search their information on Internet. Yet, their brains evolvement are not hampered but inspired as before. Firstly, the internet provides numerous sources for them to choose and analyze, which is helpful to their critical thinking. Secondly, many problems surely emerged when a child learn to use a new technology. For instance, a student who studies from internet course programme will has less chance to discuss with classmates and teachers. In order to solve this problem, he/she might create an online chat room to discuss with series of specialists and people with same interests and problems. This will be proved more efficient and creative as it transcends the geological barriers.

In conclusion, the technology shouldn't be blamed for the children creativity decreasing. People need to think more about the education system and create more chances to inspire our children's creative thought. When completely used, however, technology surely does not drag children's intelligence on creativity, but plays a momentous role in creative thinking as before.

MTRL2009UID: 2664551

战战兢兢小小改动一下。。。
作文小组的同学可以直接无视我的修改。。。
我还没看到托福作文评分标准这部分呢。。。菜菜的飘过。。

The above statement thinks that technology impedes children's creativity nowadays compared to the past. The speaker worries about the modern technology will restrain （个人理解，仅供参考。题目technology cause children show less creative 隐含了已有数据证明这个观点，所以the speaker worries.... modern technology will restrain，你用了将来时态似乎有些不妥。除非你想表达它有继续下去的趋势） the creative motivation of youngsters maybe because of the super intelligent technologies are increasingly used in people's lives. As I am concerned, I disagree with this perspective that technology causes children to be less creative than before.
备注：cause的用法，我犹豫了很久，google了一下，http://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/cause_2。然后又仔细看了看这篇topic的标题，有种被打倒的感觉。。。此处值得商榷

Admittedly, children live in a broad utilization of modern technologies. To solve a mathematics problem, one could resort to calculators instead of brain working. When meet meeting a problem in laboratory, a student can google the related events happened historically for answers. Without cooking in the kitchen, children can prepare their meal through automatic microwave oven, and even can finish this only by dial dialing a snack booking number. Children need not build or create everything using their own hands as their counterparts who lived in pre-industrialized age.

However, the extensive utilization of technologies among children does not impede their inspiration on creativity. To begin with, children could enjoy a huge convenience with the help of modern technology. Our children can study several courses they like through the Internet lecture programmes. They don't need to attend the class by nearly half hours half hours?? walk or certain minutes to take school bus. The time saved can be fully used to prepare a new class or to finish more house assignments. From this point, the obvious convenience resulted from modern technology pave a good way for children's study and future success.
我很赞同这个观点，所谓把时间解放出来可以干更有意义的事。。利用已有的资源或者技术节约时间，本来就是应该的。前人已经做出的贡献和成果，后人可以在其基础上进行新的发明和创造，而不是一味地重复前人的劳动。

Moreover, modern technologies also provide a large numbers number of opportunities to breed and incite children's creativity. Children needn't to figure out how computers are manufactured and why people can search their information on Internet. Yet, their brains evolvement are not hampered but inspired as before. Firstly, the internet internet首字母小写，改还是不改涅。。provides numerous sources for them to choose and analyze, which is helpful to their critical thinking. Secondly, many problems surely emerged when a child learn learns to use a new technology. For instance, a student who studies from internet course programme will has less chance to discuss with classmates and teachers. In order to solve this problem, he/she might create an online chat room to discuss with series of specialists and people with same interests and problems. This will be proved more efficient and creative as it transcends the geological barriers.

In conclusion, the technology shouldn't be blamed for the children creativity decreasing. People need to think more about the education system and create more chances to inspire our children's creative thought. When completely used, however, technology surely does not drag children's intelligence on creativity, but plays a momentous role in creative thinking as before.
恩，as before被你用了好几次。。><。。。

后记：我觉得通篇流畅，很多单词用的很不错，思路也很清晰。我只有强烈的汗一个了。。不学无术的孩子再次飘过。。

thatllUID: 2538832

说明：我在这位前辈修改的基础上继续给出我的意见和建议：

The above statement thinks that technology impedes children's creativity nowadays compared to the past. The speaker worries about the modern technology will restrain （个人理解，仅供参考。题目technology cause children show less creative 隐含了已有数据证明这个观点，所以the speaker worries.... modern technology will restrain，你用了将来时态似乎有些不妥。除非你想表达它有继续下去的趋势） the creative motivation of youngsters maybe because of the super intelligent technologies are increasingly used in people's lives. As I am concerned, I disagree with this perspective that technology causes children to be less creative than before.
备注：cause的用法，我犹豫了很久，google了一下，http://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/cause_2。然后又仔细看了看这篇topic的标题，有种被打倒的感觉。。。此处值得商榷

这一段有一个语法问题：because of 后面跟的应该是短语而不是句子，而作者这里用的是句子，可以直接去掉of。

Admittedly, children live in a broad utilization of modern technologies. To solve a mathematics problem, one could resort to calculators instead of brain working. When meet meeting a problem in laboratory, a student can google the related events happened historically for answers. Without cooking in the kitchen, children can prepare their meal through automatic microwave oven, and even can finish this only by dial dialing a snack booking number. Children need not build or create everything using their own hands as their counterparts who lived in pre-industrialized age.6 |

live in a utilization这样的搭配合理么？是不是改为live in a situation with broad utilization of modern technologies?

However, the extensive utilization of technologies among children does not impede their inspiration on creativity. To begin with, children could enjoy a huge convenience with the help of modern technology. Our children can study several courses they like through the Internet lecture programmes. They don't need to attend the class by nearly half hours half hours?? walk or certain minutes to take school bus. The time saved can be fully used to prepare a new class or to finish more house assignments. From this point, the obvious convenience resulted from modern technology pave a good way for children's study and future success.
我很赞同这个观点，所谓把时间解放出来可以干更有意义的事。。利用已有的资源或者技术节约时间，本来就是应该的。前人已经做出的贡献和成果，后人可以在其基础上进行新的发明和创造，而不是一味地重复前人的劳动。

首先这里你用to begin with来引出convenience，我们期待着furthermore的内容，但是迟迟没有出现，等来的是From this point, the obvious convenience 这样的结尾，还是一个convenience所以你这里就论述了这么一个便利，不需要to begin with来引出。第二点，也是我认为最致命的一点，那就是这个论据能不能有力的证明你的观点的问题。带来了便利不能直接说明现在的孩子更有创造性啊，我们也没有看出来现在的孩子更有创造性。相反，老是便利，反而使得孩子们不再勤于思考和创造，失去了创造的能力。作者没有能解除我心中的这种疑虑，所以我觉得这个论据有点差强人意。

Moreover, modern technologies also provide a large numbers number of opportunities to breed and incite children's creativity. Children needn't to figure out how computers are manufactured and why people can search their information on Internet. Yet, their brains evolvement are not hampered but inspired as before. Firstly, the internet internet首字母小写，改还是不改涅。。provides numerous sources for them to choose and analyze, which is helpful to their critical thinking. Secondly, many problems surely emerged when a child learn learns to use a new technology. For instance, a student who studies from internet course programme will has less chance to discuss with classmates and teachers. In order to solve this problem, he/she might create an online chat room to discuss with series of specialists and people with same interests and problems. This will be proved more efficient and creative as it transcends the geological barriers.

这个观点的有效性也值得商榷，你说现代科技为培养和激发孩子的创造性提供了很多的机会，也就是说现代科技搭建了一个在某种意义上更高的stage去创新，这一点我承认，但是你也没有否认没有没有科技的这个原始的舞台上的孩子们的创造性比由科技搭建的那个舞台的创造性强。你后面举的例子也只是给出了在一个舞台上的几种创新行为而已。我也可以举出没有internet的时候孩子们还有可能相出创造internet呢，呵呵。

In conclusion, the technology shouldn't be blamed for the children creativity decreasing. People need to think more about the education system and create more chances to inspire our children's creative thought. When completely used, however, technology surely does not drag children's intelligence on creativity, but plays a momentous role in creative thinking as before.
恩，as before被你用了好几次。。><。。。

第一句我觉得这样表述比较顺口:for the children's decreasing creativity.唯有这结尾处的观点我很同意，technology本是neutral，是否有利于创造性的决定因素不在technology，而在人的本性和我们教育的问题。

后记：我觉得通篇流畅，很多单词用的很不错，思路也很清晰。我只有强烈的汗一个了。。不学无术的孩子再次飘过。。

关于这个评论我也认同，呵呵，加油，评论不当处，还请见谅。

MTRL2009UID: 2664551

汗，被称为前辈了。。。><

简单看了看thatll的评论，一个感觉：严肃认真，有理有据。赞一个先
对于

live in a utilization这样的搭配合理么？是不是改为live in a situation with broad utilization of modern technologies?

我强烈赞同thatll，这是我也看出来但没有指出来的一个地方。
其他我就不看了。。我还是埋头搞搞我自己的作文好了。。。面壁思过ing。。

DriftKingUID: 2664045

The above statement thinks that technology impedes children's creativity nowadays compared to the past. The speaker worries about the modern technology will restrain the creative motivation of youngsters(感觉跟上句重复了) maybe because of（感觉应该去掉） the super intelligent technologies are increasingly used in people's lives. As I am concerned, I disagree with this perspective that technology causes children be less creative than before.
表明观点。但是这种表达方法感觉有些不完整，因为你在猜出题者的想法，然后说高智能科技越来越多应用到人们的生活中，后边应该说一些不良后果，才能让人们给出题目的结论，仅仅是大量的应用应该没人能得出题目的结论的。
Admittedly, children live in a broad utilization（live in utilization，应该是一个。。。的环境吧？） of modern technologies. To solve a mathematics problem, one could resort to calculators instead of brain working. When meet a problem in laboratory, a student can google the related events happened historically for answers. Without cooking in the kitchen, children can prepare their meal through automatic microwave oven, and even can finish this only by dial a snack booking number. Children need not build or create everything using their own hands as their counterparts lived in pre-industrialized age.一个让步

! e5 J5 n  s: ?8 g6 v
4 R( y. {# r* S% Y
However, the extensive utilization of technologies among children does not impede their inspiration on creativity. To begin with, children could enjoy a huge convenience with the help of modern technology. Our children can study several courses they like through the Internet lecture programmes. They don't need to attend the class by nearly half hours walk or certain minutes to take school bus. The time saved can be fully used to prepare a new class or to finish more house assignments. From this point, the obvious convenience resulted from modern technology pave a good way for children's study and future success.解放时间做更多的事，而不是影响创造力，感觉他们两个风马牛不相及，没有很好的回答题目的问题

. W/ X  q
Moreover, modern technologies also provide a large numbers of opportunities to breed and incite children's creativity. Children needn't to figure out how computers are manufactured and why people can search their information on Internet. Yet, their brains evolvement are not hampered but inspired as before. Firstly, the internet provides numerous sources for them to choose and analyze, which is helpful to their critical thinking. Secondly, many problems surely emerged when a child learn to use a new technology. For instance, a student who studies from internet course programme will has less chance to discuss with classmates and teachers. In order to solve this problem, he/she might create an online chat room to discuss with series of specialists and people with same interests and problems. This will be proved more efficient and creative as it transcends the geological barriers.激发创造力。（不用在意原理-但是脑子却没被堵住-1、提高批判性思考的能力-2、学习中会产生新问题，会想办法去解决）不错的结构，学习了。其实1也可以多说几句，比如：久而久之，孩子就形成了一套独特的筛选、比对、看待...大量信息的方法，创造一个思想，一个方法，一个理论当然也算是创新！只有变化才能带来创新，对吧？

In conclusion, the technology shouldn't be blamed for the children（children's?这个我不确定） creativity decreasing. People need to think more about the education system and create more chances to inspire our children's creative thought. When completely used, however, technology surely does not drag children's intelligence on creativity, but plays a momentous role in creative thinking as before.

我是来学习的
我总是想找点语法上的毛病，但总是找不出来，囧；
大哥的文章一气呵成，行云流水，滴水不漏，
简直大牛一个，我们只有尽最大的努力，在为你插上翅膀，让你如牛添翼了，哈哈。
大牛哥有空了，也去帮忙看看我的吧？

文赋UID: 2611067

TOPIC: Agree or disagree, technology causechildren show less creative than they were in past.周三22：00交

1. 不同意；
2. 承认为孩子节省了脑力必要；
3. 但是为还在节省了时间，可以更好地学习；
4. 也同样提出了新的挑战，给出新问题来培训孩子的创造力；
5. 结论：不应该责怪技术，而应该从教育系统去分析。充分利用技术只会更好地培养孩子的创造性思维。

The above statement thinks that technologyimpedes children's creativity nowadays compared to the past. The speakerworries about the modern technology will restrain the creative motivation ofyoungsters maybe because of the super intelligent technologies are increasinglyused in people's lives. As I am concerned, I disagree with this perspectivethat technology causes children be less creative than before.

Admittedly, children live in a broadutilization of modern technologies. To solve a mathematics problem, one couldresort to calculators instead of brain working. When meet a problem inlaboratory, a student can google(可以用这个词，但是还是建议用search in the Internet之类较保守的) the related events happenedhistorically for answers. Without cooking in the kitchen, children can preparetheir meal through automatic microwave oven, and even can finish this only bydial a snack booking number. Children need not build or create everything usingtheir own hands as their counterparts lived in pre-industrialized age.这一段缺乏中心句啊，第一句话不是，第二句话也不是，这就比较麻烦了。最迟第二句也要出现中心句。现在这一段看起来很散，不知所云。

However, the extensive utilization oftechnologies among children does not impede their inspiration on creativity. To begin with-->As thing stand now,children could enjoy a huge convenience with the help of modern technology. Ourchildren can study several courses they like through the Internet lectureprogrammes （是programs?这个才是美语词）. They don't need to attend the class bynearly half hours walk or certain minutes to take school bus. The time savedcan be fully used to prepare a new class or to finish more house assignments.From this point, the obvious convenience resulted from modern technology pave agood way for children's study and future success.这段论据和论点有点偏啊，把论据改成方便省时，然后在拉回能激发创造力就可以了。整个展开的例子是为“节约时间”服务的。

Moreover, modern technologies also providea large numbers of opportunities to breed and incite children's creativity.Children needn'tto figure out how computers are manufactured and why people can search theirinformation on Internet. Yet, their brains evolvement are not hampered butinspired as before. Firstly, the internet provides numerous sources for them tochoose and analyze, which is helpful to their critical thinking. Secondly, manyproblems surely emerged when a child learn to use a new technology. For instance,a student who studies from internet course programme will has less chance to discuss withclassmates and teachers. In order to solve this problem, he/she-->s/he（这个是固定的表达，但是也尽量不要用） might create anonline chat room to discuss with series of specialists and people with same interestsand problems. This will be proved more efficient and creative as it transcendsthe geological barriers.

In conclusion, the technology shouldn'tbe blamed for the children creativity decreasing. Peopleneed to think more about the education system and create more chances to（这个论点在文章没有提过，但是考虑到托福要求没这么严格，万一考试时总结不好自己的观点，或无心这样写了，也无伤大雅，只是最好不要这样） inspire our children's creative thought. When completely used,however, technology surely does not drag children's intelligence on creativity,but plays a momentous role in creative thinking as before.

不要怪我苛求，这篇文章两个主题段展开和论述都存在逻辑问题，这个是硬伤啊。有一个问题段落还说的过去，两个的话就真的很危险了。这样即使文章字数上去了，有量，但是质太差，量也没法弥补。虽然托福没有GRE逻辑要求的严格，但也要注意。