20天托福110分---旅狼的作文修改铺子

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

105# fancyww 精彩的地一段，我改了好多文章，你的地一段绝对能排入前10.非常不错，从格言引入，到阐述问题，一点也不拖沓，而且丝毫没有模板痕迹。精彩精彩！但是，你的文章衔接不够好，既然你已经说“And intelligence here does not only mean wisdom, but more about abundant experiences and the ability of understanding.
”下面如果能用三段来阐述一下这几点就完美了。挺一个

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

110# 土豆美国 惭愧……原来那都是第二段啊&……那篇就算了吧，我把你这一片改一下吧。
你的地一段非常的混乱，我看了3边都没看懂你写的什么。“But as we all know, no matter in history or today’s situation, it is untrue and impossible.”这里的it代之什么？"To study in college or university is a dream holded more or less by all students. "?还是别的？另外，题目是说“ all students”不是 all people.
然后说一下你的地一段，写的也很混乱。 a university并不代表所有的大学，我当然不能想象所有的学生都涌进一个大学了，但是人家问的是univeristies。另外你这个论点也不好，在美国或其他欧美国家，根本不会出现too many students的情况。这种情况只会出现在中国，所以，你是在用一个国家的特殊问题当做例子去反驳一个普遍的观点。这是议论文中的大忌。最后，你的文章第二段太长了，和第三段有个明显的对比，给人的感觉就是你到第三段明显的理屈词穷……

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

112# 061308011 你的第一句纯属多余，加在哪里就是在找着扣分……人家问的是可替代能源，这和能源这个词有什么关系，作为中国人，我完全理解你的意思，但是我的外交老师对我这样写的文章非常迷惑。所以提醒一下，不是非常必要的花，还是不要这样写。另外你的论点是“As for me,I believe that  it is the irreversible trend that fossil fuels are doomed to be edged out by renewable resources because of their limited storage and polluting nature. ”强调的是 be doomed to.而题目中则在强调“soon."我看了你的文章，论证的还可以，但是一旦出现这种问题，就是又跑题倾向了，分布回扣的太多，但是一定回扣。下面的文章就不用看了，你更多的是在说明新能源的有点，而没有强调为什么他们会在短时间内代替石油等旧能源。

pingding205UID: 2641955

不太知道怎么弄这个作文，写了一篇。希望旅狼大哥帮我找出越多的缺点越好。。。
在写的时候有一些问题：（我没有限时写，因为先得了解一下这个）
     首先是government ,money , transportation 这三点怎么平衡？我看有其他的范文说从经济学的来考虑，可以政府是盈利性组织吗？？？是不是我想的太多了。。谢谢，托福不用考虑太细。
     其次是roads and highways&public transportation我都是具体用buses, trains, subways与oads and highways比较，不知道行不行？
19. Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways, or should governments spend more money on improving public transportation (buses, trains, subways)? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

Some people hold the opinion that government spends more money on improving roads and highways is better, while others consider improving public transporting conditions as a more preferable way for government. In terms of our nation’s situation, I prefer to the later choice.

Our nation is a developing country so the efficiency must be taken into consideration firstly. It is a good choice spending more money developing public transportation. For instance, our country has millions square miles territory that it is difficult to transport things. Speaking of that, train, as the largest volume of transportation on land, is certainly priority. If we harness train, which can run day and night on railway, it just takes dozens of hours from the west frontier to the east edge while automobiles would utilize more than one hundred hours. Moreover, trains consume less energy than cars in certain distance, namely, with equal loads at same ways, if train cost one hundred tons of source of our planets, the cars might use up two hundred ones. One hundred tons of precious sources were saved just changing a method of transportations. In conclusion, it will be more efficient to spending more money on railway which means to develop trains rather than spending more money on highway which means to develop automobiles.

Besides, a large population dwells on our country, so their ways of going around is a tough problem for government. Only by improving public transportation can this problem be solved. To spend more money improving roads and highways seems a signal that encouraging people to buy cars, more cars rushed onto the roads result in crowd, the government should spend even more money to deal with that. However, improving public transportation will lead people to ride buses or subways that will ease the difficulty of people’s trip, especially commuting people. For example, in the past, Beijing builds many ways to relieve the traffic jam, but the road are more crowed than ever because of the increase velocity of the private cars. Until subways being constructed do in deed alleviate the problem to some degree.

From above discussion, it can be safely said that government should spend money on improving public transportation as more as possible than roads and highways.

061308011UID: 2635385

ok, thx a lot ~

perceptionUID: 2299669

谢谢旅狼

It is important to have the rules about the types of clothing that people are allowed to wear at work and school.

It has been argued that whether there should be rules about the types of clothing that people are allowed to wear at work and school. Many people hold the view that everyone is entitled to de-ciding about his or her clothing. However, I think it is important to have the rules about the types of clothing.

The first reason is that certain type of clothing could be a good reminder that you are in a particu-lar environment and should obey the rules and discipline there. Anyhow, to be at school and work is not like at home or in a park. When at home or in a park, you could relax yourself totally, and you may do any kind of things as well as wear any kind of clothes you like. But when at school and work, you are usually required to do some particular task which may require serious attention and much effort from you. Such goal is not necessarily interfered by casual clothing, whereas a formal suit would prepare you better for that task and let you adjust yourself to that atmosphere more quickly. For example, when you step into the company and put on a working suit just like your colleagues, you would naturally have a sense that you are a person with specific mission in this specific organization. Though it may be a little exaggerating to say all the rules and discipline will pop up into your minds as soon as you put on the working suit, it really function as a hint about the behavior code for you. My friend Lee is a funny guy who is good at telling jokes, but when he is dressed in suit and does his job of a spokesman for a big institution, he is always seri-ous and seldom smiled. He said that the suit always reminded him that all his remarks stand for the position of the institution and it demands tremendous caution.

Another reason drives me to support such rules is that it could help improve the efficiency in the working and studying environment. Nowadays there are vast arrays of clothes available to people. But one man's meat is another man's poison. Some people’s favorite and “fashionable” clothing may be extremely disgusting to other people. Numerous people have complaint about the un-happy experiences about the weird or even ugly clothes of his or her colleagues and classmates. For instance, last week, my classmate Lin, who used to sit in the first row, wore a T-shirt which features a horrible skeleton. It gave nearly every teacher the pip, since they were not pleased to see a scene like that within a foot of them. This also means that all the students, including Lin, suf-fered because the teachers’ moods were negatively affected by what one guy put on.

So to sum up, rules about type of clothing would be helpful for people to do things better when they are at work and school, so they are important.

fancywwUID: 2583671

谢谢lz的鼓励。lz效率真高，那我就再麻烦一次了。这篇感觉比较棘手啊...

Agree or disagree: Because people are too busy doing many things, they can do few things well.（2007-3-3）

As the fast rolling wheels of modern society, people are facing more and more choices and engaged in more and more things. While people are dealing with different things, can they also do them well? According to my experience and observation, I believe that people can manage their life and work orderly and do things well.

To begin with, busy doing many things is not the reason for doing few things well. Nowadays some people blame plenty of chores in lives and tasks at work for their bad performances in doing many things. At first glance it might be a reasonable cause. However, after careful analysis it appears to be a lame and awkward excuse. Such people usually fall into at least one of the following reasons that made their life a mess: they start many things without thinking twice about their own abilities; they tend to take responsibilities more than they can; they like to make promise whenever being asked; or they do not have plans when dealing with many things together. For example, my brother Jerry seems to live on the go everyday. At company he do not know how to refuse or transfer the work given by others, which makes him often work overtime; at home, he often promises to help his wife for housework, which keeps him busy after work. So he can make few things well, both at work and family. In brief, some personal reasons lead to the failure of some people in doing many things well.


Besides, some people know priority and efficiency to do things well when dealing with many things together. After considering the real reasons for some people do few things well in life, let's then look at why some people can make their lives organized and success when dealing with many things together. Firstly, they know their own capacities and tastes well. So they never take more food than they can eat, or the food they do not like to eat. When they are facing abundant choices and responsibilities, they choose what is within their abilities. Secondly, they plan and change plans according to different situations. They arrange things according to priorities or deadlines, and finish them in order. And finally, they use strategies, such as cooperating with others, using various recourses, to improve efficiency and achieve success. For example, it is always a busy and rushing time for me at the end of a term. I have many examinations to take, papers to write, and researches to finish. It is easy to get lost and end with nothing. However, I have learned how plan my time reasonably and do things efficiently. So I can always handle my study well. In short, even with a lot of tasks, people can still do things well with right methods and attitude.

In conclusion, I can hardly agree with the statement. It is not the excuse for failure. Other people have demonstrated abilities to do otherwise. So we can choose to be the real master of our lives and be a successful person.

多多多多UID: 2635728

楼主 来麻烦你了 谢谢
do u agree or disagree ：School education is more effective if students have classes for eleven months.

Vacations of school are not only always the most expected time for students, but also benefit the students' well-round development. If education system decide to prolong the months of having classes, it means shortening the vacations with no doubt, which also means depriving the golden time and opportunity of students to relax and develop other abilities, such as having a better understanding of the world ,the society and themselves. As for me, having classes for eleven months is not a good idea as it sounds for the following reasons.

Vacations, such as summer vacation and Christmas holiday, are wonderful time to travel around. Through traveling, students not only could get touch of various kinds of culture, but also broaden the horizons. For example, I am crazy about traveling in all my holidays. On my journey to China, I know how great the Chinese culture is, the Great Wall is so gorgeous. And when I am back to school in the history classes, I know more about China and show more enthusiasm than those who have not been to.


Vacations also allow students to have some practical study outside the school. Internships and part-time jobs are the majority options for students who have some vacations. Admittedly, These jobs can bring students some money they need. What is more important is that students can get practical knowledge and experiences they long for. Take me as an illustration; I have gained from a lot of practical and useful experiences when I was a salesgirl in a super-market during last summer vacation. I have a better understanding that how the apartment of sales runs, and how to communicate with customers skillful and patiently.

Vacations are important time for students to revalue themselves and have a total relaxation. It is a truth, as universally acknowledged, that today's students endure much more pressure and academic burdens than ever before. And if there is more months in school, how could students have time to have fresh air outside the school and enjoy themselves. Thus, vacations benefit student's mental heath.

From what has been discussed, it is obvious to have a emphasis on the importance of vacations. Nevertheless, what I have to admit is the fact that prolonging the months in school can make students learn more academic knowledge with no argument. What we also should see is that academic knowledge is just part of learning about the whole world and human beings. Our students still have to have a better understanding of the world we live in and the people around us, to be a mentally healthy person, which are the significant reasons why I strongly oppose the longer months in school.

wingzUID: 2646330

LZ好人，记号个先。。。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

114# weilking 你的文章和论点都还可以，但是你的论据不是很合拍。比如：”the questions appear on papers may seem to be not related to the thesis of the classes“课程难，考试难，并不意味着考试的难度是因为和书本没有什么联系啊……这就突不出课程的难了……这个可能是中美思维的差异，中国课程的难是因为考试过不去，而美国的课程难是指课程将的会比较深……如果你的文章出现了这段话，你的这篇文章基本就上不去25了。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

115# tenet 这种题目的作文一般不会出现在托福考试中……如果你要写这样题目的文章，最好能够先把要写的东西写出来，要不然”Nowadays, life quality for modern people is getting better and better. We have more delicious food, more entertainment equipment, and more comfortable houses. However, there is one thing getting less and less, that is, water. However comfortable life is, we still can not survive without water.“这么长的一段话，基本都是废话如果你不作注解，我怎么会知道你想发明什么。但是如果你能先写出来要发明的东西，这段话就立刻提升了一个层次。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

116# jesse19871106 开头挺好的，虽然不是很精彩，但是也没有太大的差错。说一下你的第一段，你的第一段中写的例子太没有道理了……出处呢？从哪里听说的？谁告诉你的早晨空气好？有证据么？我就认为早晨空气不好怎么样？我化学也不好。这些情况都是改作文的人会想到的。所以，你的例子也许只对你有用，不要写的太大，说早晨的空气很好，很新鲜，对人很好。你只需要写，你感觉，早晨起来那种空气使你感觉空气很新鲜就好了。我的外教老师说，这种东西有剽窃嫌疑，因为你没有研究，明显是用了别人的资料，却不标明出处。第二段个主题段写的还挺不错的，例子也很好，如果能在适当多家一些论据就更好了。最后最好说一些晚期的好处，突出你的两面性思维。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

124# pingding205 你想得太多了。对于第二个问题，你应该把public transportation当做一个点来写，而不是分为bus,subway等等。
又见模板开头……如果你不是马上要考试，可以破楷模板写。这样写的华能是你的文章开起来更自然，然后更能够认清楚你的优缺点。然后，公共交通系统和发展中国家没有必然联系，所以放在开头不是很合适。另外，公共交通系统这里更倾向于运送乘客……毕竟题目中给的例子是“bus,subway和train"这里公交和地铁都是运送乘客的。总体来讲，你的文章中的论据写的还可以，但是例子和有些观点和题目查的太远。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

126# perception 总体来讲，你的文章第二段太显臃肿，其中有很多话都是连续的重复，没有什么实际意义。例子也很是问题。最严重的是你第一个论点很不起恰当，有些强词夺理的意思。第二段写的还可以，认识上面提到的问题，请注意例子的使用。不过这一段句子好很多。

perceptionUID: 2299669

这样呢 汗 看来我不太会找理由

谢了