2009 作文小组 招新 8.11第一次作业

lsr91UID: 2540702

8.11 Agree or disagree with the following statement: it is more important to award students for effort (trying or hard working) than for achievement (good grades)
My answer:
I don’t think it is a good idea that to award students for effort or encourage them before get good grades. In my country, more and more competitions between people have been made due to large population, and we usually evaluate one person by checking what he/she has done. We don’t deny our utilitarian generalization, that’s the fact what we face to. Honestly, this kind of way only works in children.

I think we should be diligent to everything we are going to do even they are the last thing we want to. So we could get experience and endurance from them. There is an old said at my homeland that tells us better medicine always tastes bad, good ideas always heard inconsiderate. For example, when I was 10 years old, my parents asked me if I want to learn to play piano. I said yes unwillingly, and I quickly gave up when I took a few classes. But now I think what a pity this is that even I don’t have one special skill. That experience teach me that I should throw into everything what I do.

Most people are lazy, that’s why there is few achieved person becomes. There is an evidence that whispers in our ears we don’t need hard working, which would make us more lazy. There is a history states for this, China, used to be the king country of the world, every other country adulated the dynasty, but due to the dominators’ useless, lazy and careless, other country started to learn Chinese advanced technology and develop something new based on what they learnt just like they made guns root from powder. China is going to be a low level country. They survived rely on cession of motherland. Nowadays China is stronger than before, but Chinese cannot forget the history of their country.

Last but not least, the award from effort values a lot. Just like a quiz or a test at school, it is apparently that we feel better after we got a perfect score by studying hard than by plagiarizing others. And we would cherish it carefully. Another comparison is like business, you would not get commodity before pay money.

More work, more gain; no work, no gain. (想不出好的结尾了
到时间了)


请批改的同学指出我的错误 哪怕觉得不对劲的也行 互相提高嘛~~谢谢！

gy0510150556UID: 2546647

I don’t think it is a good idea that （从句找不到主语）to award students for（by） effort or encourage them before get good grades. In my country, more and more competitions between people have been made due to large population, and we usually evaluate one person by checking what he/she has done（what done是effort 还是grades）. We don’t deny our utilitarian generalization, that’s the fact what we face to（to去掉）. Honestly, this kind of way only works in children.开头一般是背景/问题，其他人观点，作者观点（以便总领下文）你开门见山也行，但后面的解释其实可以放在分论点处，即第二段及以下。 6 N3 F  w+ _0 I5 X8 o9 K

I think we should be diligent to（in） everything we are going to do even they are the last thing we want to. So we could get experience and endurance（？持续吗） from them. There is an old said at my homeland that tells us better medicine always tastes bad, good ideas always heard inconsiderate. For example, when I was 10 years old, my parents asked me if I want to learn to play piano. I said yes unwillingly, and I quickly gave up when I took a few classes. But now I think what a pity this is that even I don’t have one special skill. That experience teach me that I should throw into everything what I do. 没主题句，从后面的论述也推论不出你要说什么，没见你赞成的grades的表述

4 S: h1 `$ s  S. B4 v  q, ~
Most people are lazy, that’s why there is few achieved person becomes. There is an evidence that whispers in our ears we don’t need hard working, which would make us more lazy. There is a history states for this, China, used to be the king country of the world, every other country adulated the dynasty, but due to the dominators’ useless, lazy and careless, other country started to learn Chinese advanced technology and develop something new based on what they learnt just like they made guns root from powder. China is going to be a low level country. They survived rely（relying） on cession of motherland. Nowadays China is stronger than before, but Chinese cannot forget the history of their country.找不到grades的表述啊，要论证你赞成的观点 2 b7 b1 X' U4 V7 Q

Last but not least, the award from effort values a lot. Just like a quiz or a test at school, it is apparently that we feel better after we got a perfect score by studying hard than by plagiarizing others. And we would cherish it carefully. Another comparison is like business, you would not get commodity before pay money.

More work, more gain; no work, no gain.
文笔不错，在逻辑论证方面，需要加油。每一段之前最好有个主题句，后面有些理由，举个例子，最后有个总结，老外看的很粗略的，只看开头和结尾（包括每段）的。你列个提纲吧，我再看看，咱们再讨论一下哈

zhangjingyi29UID: 2449770

1# lsr91

I don’t think it is a good idea that to award students for effort or encourage them before get good grades. In my country, more and more competitions between people have been made due to large population, and we usually evaluate one person by checking what he/she has done. We don’t deny our utilitarian generalization, that’s the fact what we face to. Honestly, this kind of way only works in children. " E7 M( K5 N/ Y
I think we should be diligent to everything we are going to do even they are the last thing we want to. So we could get experience and endurance from them. There is an old saying at my homeland that tells us better medicine always tastes bad, good ideas always sound inconsiderate.(注意一些动词的使用) For example, when I was 10 years old, my parents asked me if I want to learn to play piano. I said yes unwillingly, and I quickly gave up when I took a few classes. But now I think what a pity this is that even I don’t have one special skill. That experience taught me that I should throw into everything what I do.(同学，你不觉得你这段是在说we should do everything with great effort…但是你有没有发现它似乎和你的论点没有什么关联？我们需要破题，the relation between the awarding and good mark & hard working is the main topic. Maybe you should rewrite this section^^*)
Most people are lazy, that’s why there is few achieved person becomes（你不觉得这句话里有三动词么？。。。呵呵）. There is an evidence that whispers in our ears we don’t need hard working, which would make us more lazy. There is a history states for this, China, used to be the king country of the world, every other country adulated the dynasty, but due to the dominators’ useless, lazy（laziness请注意一下词性哈） and careless, other countries started to learn Chinese advanced technology and develop something new based on what they learnt just like（用这貌似不大合适） they made guns root from powder. China is going to be a low level country. They survived rely（relying） on cession of motherland. Nowadays China is stronger than before, but Chinese cannot forget the history of their country.
Last but not least, the award from effort values a lot. Just like a quiz or a test at school, it is apparently that we feel better after we got a perfect score by studying hard than by plagiarizing others. And we would cherish it carefully. Another comparison is like business, you would not get commodity before pay money. （我记得第一段里你的观点是we are living in an utilitarian world,我们不应在分数出来之前就鼓励谁谁谁。。。但是这一段似乎和第一段论点有点矛盾，你想说effort 很重要，无论什么情况下，那么你的观点到底是什么？ ）
More work, more gain; no work, no gain最后一段可以写这句话，但是不是应该总结一些你的论点和思路？

纵观全文，我希望同学给我一个明确一点的提纲出来；还有请注意一下动词的使用以及名词的词性。。。please contact with me if you have any questions:loveliness:

lsr91UID: 2540702

2# gy0510150556

谢谢同学 你指正得很对 我往往写到后面就跟前面没关联了

lsr91UID: 2540702

3# zhangjingyi29

获益良多 受益匪浅 良药苦口！谢谢！

zhangjingyi29UID: 2449770

5# lsr91 改得不好，见笑了。。。你很厉害，加油啊~~小童鞋！顺便提一句，我是不是太严厉了。。。？

lsr91UID: 2540702

6# zhangjingyi29
没有 把不足在考前解决 我是幸福的