Issue130

zyqingUID: 2605201

130."How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

The speaker contends that the destiny of society are determined by hoe children are socialized. And we do not know how to raise children who can improve our society to a better place. I agree insofar as to children’s socialization is significant. However it cannot determine the destiny of society. Moreover, the speaker overlooks many parents successfully raise good children with their instruction.


I concede that socialization is very important to everybody in this era when collaboration always is inspired. Children socialized well make them know how to achieve their goals under others’ help. And children obtaining much others’ help usually tend to be more helpful. Children will obtain more opportunities leading to success in this virtuous circle. So parents should take the socialization of children seriously since its significant effect on children’s development. However, the destiny of society is far more complex than the socialization of children. If parents only pay attention on children’s socialization but overlook other important factors such as their intelligence’s development, I will be strongly skeptical about whether they can attribute to the improvement of society. Furthermore, I do not think children who are not socialized well will not make great contribution to society. For example, many scientists spend most their whole life in labs and rarely meet others in public which will not hinder them from contributing to our society greatly.

The rate of juvenile crime has become more and more high. Many parents complain although they have tried all kinds of way to introduce their children to become person being beneficial to society, the consequence disappoint them once and once again.
However, the examples of successfully raising children are countless. For example, Children who grow up in environment filled with love often tend to be sympathetic.
When children show great interest on subjects like painting, music, mathematic, and so on, if parents supply suitable instruction and education of those subjects, their children often turn out to be outstanding experts on those subjects. Chinese great philosopher Mencius’s mother spare no effort to find a good environment for Mencius to study well during Mencius’s childhood, and she finally find satisfactory environment after three movements. It is that she know a good study atmosphere will

benefit the study of children. So we cannot judge that people do not know how to raise children for the existence of so many successful cases.

To sum up, the socialization of children is very important to the society but is not enough to determine the destiny of the society. Raising children is really a challenging job for parents and some of them have known how to guide their children to be person who attribute to binging about a better society.

nuaaskyUID: 2615912

130."How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
红色代表我改过的地方
蓝色代表我觉得写得高级的地方
The speaker contends that the destiny of society are determined by hoe（how？） children are socialized. And we do not know how to raise children who can improve our society to a better place. I agree insofar as to children’s socialization is significant. However it cannot determine the destiny of society. Moreover, the speaker overlooks many parents successfully raise good children with their instruction.（开头点明了论点。建议：前两句之间直接连成一句是否会好些？）

I concede that socialization is very important to everybody in this era when collaboration always is inspired. Children socialized well make them know how to achieve their goals under others’ help（Chinglish！with sb’s help）. And children obtaining much others’ help usually tend to be more helpful. Children will obtain more opportunities leading to success in this virtuous circle. （这两句话应该是你着重论述的部分，建议多加点笔墨在这里，不然这里感觉论述不足）So parents should take the socialization of children seriously since its significant effect on children’s development. However, the destiny of society is far more complex than the socialization of children. If parents only pay attention on children’s socialization but overlook other important factors such as their intelligence’s development, I will be strongly skeptical about whether they can attribute to the improvement of society. Furthermore, I do not think children who are not socialized well will not make great contribution to society. For example, many scientists spend most their whole life in labs and rarely meet others in public which will not hinder them from contributing to our society greatly. （此段通过一层一层的论述来论证children不能determine，但是感觉不是很有说服力。经常是I怎么I怎么，要多些论证）

The rate of juvenile crime has become more and more high. Many parents complain although they have tried all kinds of way to introduce their children to become person being beneficial to society, the consequence disappoint them once and once again. （这段是干嘛的？综合上下文看，建议去掉，再把下段的however改成On theother hand之类并列的transition吧再加点表观点的句子）
However, the examples of successfully raising children are countless. For example, Children who grow up in environment filled with love often tend to be sympathetic.
When children show great interest on subjects like painting, music, mathematic, and so on, if parents supply suitable instruction and education of those subjects, their children often turn out to be outstanding experts on those subjects. Chinese great philosopher Mencius’s mother spare no effort to find a good environment for Mencius to study well during Mencius’s childhood, and she finally find satisfactory environment after three movements.（换个词把，本来觉得这个例子应该挺吸引人的，但是看到这个词，有点打折扣了) It is that she know+s a good study atmosphere will benefit the study of children. So we cannot judge that people do not know how to raise children for the existence of so many successful cases.（可是反过来，你又能证明people do know how to raise children吗？）
（这段or这部分写得乱，要分析你的第二个论点，而这里确一下是少年犯罪一下是孟母三迁。写得没有联系，缺乏条理。而且你举的例子不够，给读者感觉读完还是不具有说服力。建议这部分要重新写过。）

To sum up, the socialization of children is very important to the society but is not enough to determine the destiny of the society. Raising children is really a challenging job for parents and some of them have known how to guide their children to be person who attribute to binging about a better society. （结尾重复了论点）

文章看了两遍多，说下个人的评价：
1、此文作者总体上讲观点还是clearly
2、文章是想通过孩子如何社会化不能决定社会的未来和许多父母懂如何教育孩子两个方面来论证。Body部分基本上是按照这个写的，除了我没看懂的那段以外。
但是错误和不足使得这篇文章的档次不能到达5分：
1、分析论证不足。直接论证的，把话说圆的字数不多，大多数字数都花在你认为怎样怎样上，要多加论证的字，精简给结论的字数。以第一个分论点为甚。
2、逻辑不清导致论证没有很强说服力。实际上，我认为你并没把问题分析得特别透彻。第二个分论点甚至很乱。建议作者写作的时候不要慌，把意思都说清楚就可以了。
3、句式，语法的问题恕个人能力有限说不好。不过我觉得和范文相比自然有所欠缺。

推荐作者在以下方面着重提高：
1.    练习写作思路，摸索文章破题，可以有针对性地追求一下如何开头，结尾，如何多层次logic cogent把论述进行下去
2.    以你的水平把文章说清楚应该没有问题。写的时候不要慌，平心静气地把话说好，把文章写好。
3.    多看ets范文，努力练习，追求5分吧