Argument53 by cuiwen_09(modified by bernina)

cuiwen_09UID: 2661472

不好意思，高级回复不知道怎么回事，粘贴不了，我就在你的原文上面改了啊。。

紫色：我的建议
红色：有问题
墨绿：还不错

ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.

第一次贴习作上来，实在不知道自己的水平怎么样，麻烦啦~

In this argument, the speaker concludes that the increased level of melatonin when the infants were conceived may cause persons to be shy both during their infancy and later of their lives based on a study of 25 persons. The study showed that the 25 infants who were more likely to be conceived in autumn were distressed when exposed to unfamiliar situations and when they became teenagers 13 years later they identify themselves as shyness.（argument 开头不需要花费如此多的文字来总结文章，时间省写来干别的更有价值的文字） However, close scrutiny of the evidences reveals that none of them convincingly supports the conclusion for the reasons that the study isn’t（is 吧。。） scientific（chinglish!别把scientific当褒义词用，换词。） enough and the coincidence of the increased lever of melatonin and the shyness doesn’t sufficiently mean the causal relationship between them.

在我开来，你的开头就用However后面那些就足够了。

Firstly, there isn’t convincing evidence that the persons in the study are shy or shier than other people due to that（, since） there is no scientific standard of shyness in the study. In this case the assumption that the reactions of the infants is signs of shyness is not convincing for the reasons that it may be a normal reaction when infants encountered an uncomfortable physical irritation such as an unusual odor or it probably be that the distress is a signal of nervousness even fear instead of shyness due to the lack for sense of security when exposed to an unfamiliar situation.
你要说明这个调查的问题，可以，但是这么说很牵强，你想，人家都说了这25个小孩子表现出来很强烈的反应，说明这些babies 比别的babies 反映强烈，人家都用wild来形容了，你怎么还能说是Normal呢？

我认为你可以这样质疑：关于这25babies的情况到底是什么，他们是不是刚刚出生没多久，还没有多少接触外界的经验之类。。你觉得呢？

What’s worse, it is even more unconvincing that more than half of the teenagers are shy only for the reason that they claimed so. However, as we all know, adolescents are right the kind of people who are more easily to feel self-abasement or shyness. Thus, it is quite possible that the teenagers in the study were as shy as their peers or they identified them as shy not because they are like this but because they felt so for they are in the right age. All in all, without strictly scientific standard of shyness, it is impossible to figure out any real causes of shyness.
还是有些牵强，对于这点，你可以说，青少年本身就是shy, 那么这些人和人家比起来怎么样呢？是不是比别的孩子更shy呢？没有比较，没法说明问题这样的话。

Admittedly, I concede that the persons（Even if the teenagers） are actually shy according to signals in the study, the author also commit a fallacy of taking the simultaneity between the increased level of melatonin and shyness for the causal relationship. The author either convincingly explains how the melatonin effects to cause the shyness of persons or claims clearly on whose brain function, the mother or the baby(这算文章的一个主要漏洞，但是你这个结构有问题。), the melatonin has effects. Even though I concede that increased melatonin is the cause of shyness, how can the author explain that why the infants are more likely to be conceived in autumn instead of winter after all the level of melatonin in winter is the highest due to the daylight is least（意思不错，这样表达不好，可以这么说：according to the interaction between the quantity of melatonin and longness of daylight, it is more possible that .......用这样的方式表达你的话我觉得更好一些）. Obviously, the only evidence that the persons who may be shy are more likely conceived in autumn doesn’t suffice to the causal relationship. What’s more, the study is only relied on 25 respondents, which is too small to conclude any convincing conclusion.（怎么又扯到研究上来了?）
论述有些乱，让我感觉你是没话可说，在随便找理由放上去。你中间的一个点说的挺好，但是结构有些乱。

Last but not the least, the author ignores alternative explanations without any reasons(删掉). However, it is probably that most of the teenagers’ parents are shy so the reason of their shyness are more possible be the effects of genes. Or it may be that it is the living circumstance and experiences that lead to the character of the teenagers instead of the level of melatonin when they are infants. Perhaps the teenagers are right inferior than their peers, which makes them to be shy. Or they may happened to make a fool of themselves once in public, thus they turn to be shy to avoiding be noticing by others（这个他因找的太牵强）. In sum, since the author fails to account for the alternative explanation of the shyness, he can’t unjustifiably conclude that the coincidence between the high level of melatonin and shyness means the former is the reason of the latter one.

To sum up, the study the author cited as the evidence isn’t scientific enough and there isn’t convincing evidence to support the causal relationship between the level of melatonin and shyness. To bolster the conclusion the author should make a scientific standard of shyness at first. Besides, the author should give a more detailed explanation of the effect of melatonin or provide more evidence such as a controlled trial to explain why the shyness isn’t caused by gene or other external causes. Without these evidence the author can’t convincing me that the level of melatonin is right the cause of shy of infants and still have effect in their later lives.
结尾还可以

In sum, 你的逻辑有些问题，有些混乱。语言还可以。结构有些散，不清晰。你需要把这个题目的逻辑连接画出来，然后按照连接，一条一条的攻击，那样会清晰很多。
关于这个题目的最根本错误，我问你个问题
他说这个荷尔蒙会影响大脑，但是影响大脑的什么功能说了么? 影响母亲的大脑，就代表能影响孩子的么？

ok, 时间紧张，改的有些粗糙了，不好意思。加油，整理整理逻辑和结构就好。

any comment is welcomed

berninaUID: 2503038

不好意思，今天有事耽误了，明天来改。。。

cuiwen_09UID: 2661472

恩，好的，没问题的！麻烦你啦~

berninaUID: 2503038

update