=七月流火=小组第1次小组作业 issue130 by SasakiKojiro(已修改)

SasakiKojiroUID: 2678315

I-130…
The author contend that it is the children that how they are socialized today determines the destiny of society, yet, we have not learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. I concede that this claim extends to an extreme in some respects. After all, the destiny of society contributes to some progress in diverse fields. In most respects, however, I am favor of the author for the reason that we still found no ways on how to raise children who know how to create a better society.
Granted, the children, pillars of the country, is the most significantly hope for the future that any organizations expresses much more concern for them to the society what big dipper is to the lost.
However, I disagree with the author’s contention that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society for the reason that this assertion irreversibly extends to the extreme. Firstly, Socialization may be only one factor and even not the most important one influencing to the destiny of society. Values such as honesty, persisitence, probity, kindness and so on are core lessons inculcated by parents and school systems; Secondly, some socializations, such as exceedingly immoral and severely illegitimate ones, aberrance from the contemplate society, should be prohibited .
Nevertheless, How can we define a society as “a better society” ? Are the children in “a better society ” more intelligent? Or it has a higher technology advancement? The answer is absolutely no! In the domain of the underdeveloped country, socialization seems to be concerned more about universal education; In the realm of the developing country, socialization mainly discussed on how to spurs their economy growth rapidly; In the sphere of the developed country, people may focus more emphsis on the breakout in their higher technologh advancement.
To conclude, I’d like to quote some words from Charles Dickens in his famous novel “A tale of two cities” to express my viewpoint on the function of creating a better society: “It was the best of times” , because our objects to the future which are repeted with brightness and livingness now have been considerably enhanced; while “It was the worst of times” , since the disadvantages of contemporary education echanism has been exposed, it is possible that the our child ignoring raise their moral qualities, fitness condition, and even about their psychological qualities, and require that we the most intelligent creatures in the world come up with final solutions, other than socializations, to bring these problem to their conclusion.

maggiegu1019UID: 2683879

:loveliness: I-130…
The author contend that it is the children that how they are socialized today determines the destiny of society, yet, we have not learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.（变化下语序）
I concede that this claim extends to an extreme in some respects. After all, the destiny of society contributes to some progress in diverse fields. In most respects, however, I am (in )favor of （？）the author for the reason that we still found no ways on how to raise children who know how to create a better society.
Granted, the children, pillars of the country(我怕老外不懂什么是国家的柱子，栋梁), is the most significantly hope for the future that any organizations express(注意主谓一致) much more concerns for them to the society what big dipper is to the lost.(??想说啥)（这句话单成一段是否少了点）
However, I disagree with the author’s contention that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society for the reason that this assertion irreversibly extends to the extreme.
（首段表明立场，之后不要再说了吧）Firstly, Socialization may be only one factor and even not the most important one influencing to the destiny of society. Values such as honesty, persistence, probity, kindness and so on are core lessons inculcated by parents and school systems; Secondly, some socializations, such as exceedingly immoral and severely illegitimate ones, aberrances from the contemplate society, should be prohibited .（第二段可以再展开分段写）
Nevertheless, How can we define a society as “a better society” ? Are the children in “a better society ” more intelligent? Or it has a higher technology advancement? The answer is absolutely no!(对于疑问句是否要回答，各家说法不一，我的老师建议这么直接的疑问句直接写了不要回答) In the domain（此词最好不要用来等同AREA） of the underdeveloped
country, socialization seems to be concerned more about universal education; In the realm of the developing country, socialization mainly discussed on how to spurs their economy growth rapidly; In the sphere of the developed country, people may focus more （emphsis 删掉） on the breakout in their higher technology advancement.
To conclude, I’d like to quote some words from Charles Dickens in his famous novel “A tale of two cities” to express my viewpoint on the function of creating a better society: “It was the best of times”(结尾段升华一下得了，例子留在中间吧) , because our objects to the future which are repeted with brightness and livingness now have been considerably enhanced; while “It was the worst of times” , since the disadvantages of contemporary education mechanism has been exposed, it is possible that the our child ignoring raise their moral qualities, fitness condition, and even about their psychological qualities, and require that we the most intelligent creatures in the world come up with final solutions, other than socializations, to bring these problem to their conclusion.（总体来说，我认为你的结尾段像论证不像结尾）

建议：1 首段尽快表明观点进入主题，避免重复。

2 三段式尽量平衡，建议借鉴范文，别创造语言，老外思维方式不一定能懂

3 突出每段中心句

4 结尾不要举例子，升华一下，要简短，内容都写到中间去吧

5 以上纯属个人观点，对不对的，别PIA 我

maggiegu1019UID: 2683879

我明明加了颜色的，怎么没了，真奇怪？？？

SasakiKojiroUID: 2678315

3# maggiegu1019

请无视黑色段落 保留是为了有个清楚的对比
褐色为修改后 请继续拍砖~~同时感谢maggie同学的修改~~~
1.整体来说不同意作者的前半句 对后半句进行让步式的同意
2.让步，大体上赞成作者前半句 肯定孩子对社会的作用 社会化的作用
3.转折否定作者的观点 列举更多可能决定社会命运的原因 对比生活教育方面 现在孩子社会化出现的问题
4.再次肯定作者我们还未学会如何教孩子建造一个更好的社会观点 说明不同的地域 类型的国家社会不同的概念
5.总结
(The author contend that it is the children that how they are socialized today determines the destiny of society, yet, we have not learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.（变化下语序）
I concede that this claim extends to an extreme in some respects. After all, the destiny of society contributes to some progress in diverse fields. In most respects, however, I am (in )favor of （？）the author for the reason that we still found no ways on how to raise children who know how to create a better society.)

The speaker asserts that the destiny of society is absolutely determined by how children are socialized today, yet, there is no quite a mesures how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. I concede that this claim extends to an extreme in some respects. After all, the destiny of society contributes to some progress in diverse fields. In most respects, however, I am favor of the author for the reason that we still found no ways on how to raise children who know how to create a better society.

Granted, children is the future of a country that any organizations expresses much more concerns for them to the society what big dipper is the final hopeness to the disoriented(就像启明星是迷失了方向的人的希望，如今被社会各界广泛关注的孩子们也如启明星一样将会是一个国家的未来  不过多少感觉这句话还是不对 既然是练习 也就大胆的写上来了 呵呵), and it is ture that how chidren are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Also, the term socialization is used by sociologists, social psychologists and educationalists to refer to the process of learning one's culture and how to live within it. For the individual, it provides the resources necessary for acting and participating within their society. For the society, inducting all individual members into its moral norms, attitudes, values, motives, social roles, language  and symbols is the means by which socal and cultural continutity are attained.

However, socializaiton is only one factor infuencing the extent to which an individual will ultimately contribute to a better society and it is even not the most important one. Therefore, for instance, on the one hand, it is possible that it is a higher technology advancement that makes the nation become a developed country; moreover, it is likely that a better way of education makes a nation's better society; on the other, with the darmatically and drastically development of the modern society, there is a huge differance between contemporay children and those several years before. Today's education mainly discussed on the children's independence, on the contrary, most of the chidren lack of some abilities such as team cooperation, society cognition, and even the leading ability.Consider those harmness factors above, how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society still needs a further contemplate.

(Granted, the children, pillars of the country(我怕老外不懂什么是国家的柱子，栋梁), is the most significantly hope for the future that any organizations express(注意主谓一致) much more concerns for them to the society what big dipper is to the lost.(??想说啥)（这句话单成一段是否少了点）
However, I disagree with the author’s contention that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society for the reason that this assertion irreversibly extends to the extreme.
（首段表明立场，之后不要再说了吧）Firstly, Socialization may be only one factor and even not the most important one influencing to the destiny of society. Values such as honesty, persistence, probity, kindness and so on are core lessons inculcated by parents and school systems; Secondly, some socializations, such as exceedingly immoral and severely illegitimate ones, aberrances from the contemplate society, should be prohibited .（第二段可以再展开分段写）
Nevertheless, how can we define a society as “a better society” ? Are the children in “a better society ” more intelligent? Or it has a higher technology advancement? The answer is absolutely no! In the domain of the underdeveloped country, socialization seems to be concerned more about universal education; In the realm of the developing country, socialization mainly discussed on how to spurs their economy growth rapidly; In the sphere of the developed country, people may focus more emphsis on the breakout in their higher technology advancement.
To conclude, I’d like to quote some words from Charles Dickens in his famous novel “A tale of two cities” to express my viewpoint on the function of creating a better society: “It was the best of times” , because our objects to the future which are repeted with brightness and livingness now have been considerably enhanced; while “It was the worst of times” , since the disadvantages of the contemporary education mechanism has been exposed, require that we the most intelligent creatures in the world come up with final solutions, other than socializations, to bring these problem to their conclusion.