第一次发自己写的，9月1号的AW,诚恳求拍

wqqingtianUID: 2594382

忐忑中……第一次在寄托发帖……要是触犯了什么规则请版主告知~

习作求拍~写的不好，多多指教，之前做了太多的准备工作，迟迟没有动笔，动起笔来感觉还是要多多写才能有感觉。

TOPIC: ARGUMENT209 - The following recommendation was made by the Human Resources Manager to the board of directors of the Fancy Toy Company.

"In the last three quarters of this year, under the leadership of our president, Pat Salvo, our profits have fallen considerably. Thus, we should ask for her resignation in return for a generous severance package. In Pat's place, we should appoint Rosa Winnings. Rosa is currently president of Starlight Jewelry, a company whose profits have increased dramatically over the past several years. Although we will have to pay Rosa twice the salary that Pat has been receiving, it will be well worth it because we can soon expect our profits to increase considerably."
WORDS: 402
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2009/8/23 16:39:52

The author fails to give sufficient evidence to prove that Pas Salvo is to be blamed for the profits falling and should be replaced by Rosa. Also the author unfairly assumes that Rosa will brings profits to Fancy Toy Company merely based on the fact that Starlight Jewelry's profits increased in the recent years.

In the first place, the manager unfairly blames the profits falling on Pat Salvo and overlooks other possible reasons. It is entirely possible that the economy crisis should be first to be blamed for the profits falling. Also, the falling may just be caused the government policy to raise the tax of toy companies. Considering these possible reasons, it may be hastily to blame the profit falling on Pat Salvo.

Granted that it is Pat Salvo who should be blamed for the profit falling of the company, Rosa may not be a good choice to replace Pat Sal considering she may be not competent enough to run Fancy Toy Company. The manager takes the profits increasing in Starlight Jewelry as the evidence of Rosa's ability. But it is entirely possible that Rosa is good at conducting a jewelry company and knows litte about how to run a toy company.
Considering the big difference of customers, factory managing and sale policy in jewelry industry and toy industry, it is possible that Rosa may not know how to balance the advertisement to adults and children, how to manage a big factory other than a small workshop or how to plan a sales in Christmas time. Taking these into consideration, Fancy Toy Company may risk a lot to make Rosa the president of itself.

Other than Rosa, the manager fails to provide other candidates who may be well known about how to run a toy company and have lots of experience of selling toys. There is probably someone who is much more appropriate to Fancy Toy Company.

In sum, the manager fails to prove that Pat Salvo is incompetence and Rosa will worth the salary provided. To strengthen his recommendation, the manager should give some details as evidence such as the wrong sale policy of Pat Salvo to prove that it is she who should be blame for the profits falling, also the manager should provide more information about Rosa to prove her ability in managing a toy company and increasing the profit of it or give other candidates to choose.

peterboyUID: 2638100

论证还不够具体吧

顺便问下LZ写完这篇还有多长时间？

wqqingtianUID: 2594382

2# peterboy
写完了就没什么时间了 ， 你的那篇我也看了，我觉得开头的确有些啰嗦，建议你看一下下面的帖子
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=134092

peterboyUID: 2638100

3# wqqingtian

哦 谢谢哈 我是准备改改开头的

wqqingtianUID: 2594382

4# peterboy 嗯 能不能详细说说我的论证不详细这个问题？

fredrichodieUID: 2612910

我也是九月一号考…

In the first place, the manager unfairly blames the profits falling on Pat Salvo and overlooks other possible reasons. It is entirely possible(跟上一句重复了最好换个…) that the economy crisis should be first to be blamed for the profits falling. Also, the falling may just be caused the government policy to raise the tax of toy companies. Considering these possible reasons, it may be hastily to blame the profit falling on Pat Salvo.

我的想法是逻辑点挺好，但是衔接的不够丰满…比如这段你就可以加一句“如果这些因素是导致……的真正原因，那么作者的假设就是错误的”；另外也可以攻击作者把PS的任期和利润的下降的concurrence强加为causal relationship，个人感觉这种说法比blame the xxx on xxx更academic一点…
就是说逻辑错误找的挺好，但是语言可以再丰富点儿…

wqqingtianUID: 2594382

6# fredrichodie
嗯 不错的建议~谢谢了~加油！