issue7 无敌拍场第九期 欢迎拍转

yinxh17UID: 2148136

7、"The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."

提纲：
1 written records is a form of documentation as important as the video camera
2 It’s true that the video camera gives us a more accurate and visual way to record things at a certain extent.
3 Yet in most cases written records record and express the thoughts and theories by the numbers, especially in science
4 Secondly, we will receive the unique realization when we read some written records, especially the literature.
5 In sum, written records and the video camera are different form of documentation, but both of them are important the same.

Which is the more important form of documentation, the video camera which provides an accurate and convincing record, or the written record? The author prefer the former one and advocates that it has become a more important form than written records. However, in my opinion, written records is a form of documentation as important as the video camera, for the reasons as follow.

It’s true that the video camera gives us a more accurate and visual way to record things at a certain extent. The video camera makes the events, which happened at the past time, recur at the screen and also records the things factually which makes us realize our past time more accurate. For example, if a crime happened in a bank, the police would use the video camera, which install in the bank to watch the circumstances around, to look for the criminal or the suspect. Another example is that when we hold the Olympic Games at  2008, we would use the video camera to memorize the significative moment which would also make us find the feelings then and give us a visual record.

Yet in most cases written records record and express the thoughts and theories by the numbers, especially in science. On one hand, written record are fit to express the abstract process and formula. When a scientist brings forward a new theory, he would write a paper to express his thoughts but not use a video camera. Written records express the theory by many ways, such as formula, illustration and so on, which make the readers comprehend more easily and roundly. On the other hand, written records can hold the thoughts in the future. At all times and in all over the world, people use written records to transmit the knowledge generation to generation.

Secondly, we will receive the unique realization when we read some written records, especially the literature. For example, we read a story, and then we will imagine the story in our minds and each one will have a model himself. In the other words, different people will have different views to the same story. It is the unique characteristic which the video camera can not provide, and it is why there are so many people like reading at this period.

In sum, written records and the video camera are different form of documentation, but both of them are important the same. They are have their own unique characteristics and one can not take the place of the other. They will cooperate to record contemporary life.

[ 本帖最后由 yinxh17 于 2006-2-16 22:59 编辑 ]

SayyesUID: 2186610

Which is the more important form of documentation, the video camera which provides an accurate and convincing record, or the written record? The author prefer the former one and advocates that it has become a more important form than written records. However, in my opinion, written records is a form of documentation as important as the video camera, for the reasons as follow. [对题目的完美改写，接着提出自己的观点，简洁实用，值得学习]

It’s true that the video camera gives us a more accurate and visual way to record things at a certain extent. The video camera makes the events, which [不要which好吗，直接分词作定语更好] happened at the past time, recur at the screen and also records the things factually which makes us realize our past time more accurate. [这句读着有点绕口，好像在反复一个意思] For example, if a crime happened in a bank, the police would use the video camera, which install [is installed 被动] in the bank to watch the circumstances around, to look for the criminal or the suspect. [这似乎是在谈监视器的作用，而不是影像记录作为文档资料的优点。可否改为，监视器的记录可作为证实犯罪的有力证据？*字典解释documentation：documents provided or collected together as evidence or as reference material ] Another example is that when we hold the Olympic Games at [in?] 2008, we would use the video camera to memorize the significative moment which would also make us find the feelings then and give us a visual record. [and前后，记录精彩时刻和提供视频记录实是一个意思。]

Yet in most cases written records record and express the thoughts and theories (by the numbers) [不太合适吧] , especially in science. On one hand, written record are fit to express the abstract process and formula. When a scientist brings forward a new theory, he would write a paper to express his thoughts but not use a video camera. Written records [could] express the theory by many ways, such as formula, illustration and so on, which make the readers comprehend more easily and roundly. On the other hand, written records can hold the thoughts in the future [哦不太明白~~] . At all times and in all over the world, people use written records to transmit the knowledge [from] generation to generation.

Secondly, we will receive the unique realization [gain particular living experiences
] when we read some written records, especially the literature. For example, we read a story, （and then we will imagine） [imagining] the story in our minds and each one will have [find] a model himself. In the other words, different people will have different views to the same story. It is the unique characteristic [此处说unique唯一的特征，与前面说个人有个人不同的理解矛盾了] which the video camera can not provide, and it is why [ there are删] so many people like reading at [in] this period. [本段是想说书本可以有不同的解读，而影像表达相对固定，是吗？这是纸笔记录的主要优势么？]

In sum, written records and the video camera are different form of documentation, but both of them are [equally] important [ the same删] . They [are删] have their own unique characteristics and one can not take the place of the other. They will cooperate to record contemporary life.


-全篇整体结构不错，紧凑明朗，开头段的处理堪称典范，让人反复玩味。
-从论证上来说，谈纸笔记录优点的两段理由不是那么Strong，从行文中也感到作者说理不是理直气壮，而是温婉柔弱，或曰淡雅，但不知ETS是否喜欢。
-本文持平衡观点，结尾段的综合作用却体现得不太明显，可否加强一些？从互补性上再谈一谈？
-语言上嘛，不知是好还是不好，我觉得句式偏简单了些，不够老到，多是Which开头的定语重句，少有分词、副词、同位语、插入语等等稍花哨的东西。用词上最好有变化，相同的形容词在文中尽量不要反复运用。

--初学issue，还在摸索中，拙评若有不当还望海涵。:)

大家一起加油～～
:)

yinxh17UID: 2148136

谢谢批判哦，嘿嘿

A ZA A ZA FIGHTING~~~~~~