Issue46 同主题 谢谢您拍！有拍就回// 求互改

jackloveUID: 183611

1。需要合作--两个例子：基因计划和NBA
2。同样需要竞争

Which a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them, a sense of cooperation or a sense of competition? The speaker claims the former one, although some leaders whether in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition. However, in my view both cooperation and competition are necessary for the future leader, whether in government, sports, and other areas.

First of all, in modern society, we will face with more complicate problems with which all the country or companies are confronted, such as poverty, starvation, AIDS, SARS, and trade conflict. As a leader of country or company, one should learn about how to cooperate with other countries or companies to together resolve these ones. Otherwise, one can spend many times money and time in resolving the same problems, can we do this way? Is it the effective way? Obviously, we need efforts from everyone or groups. A good example is the Human Genome Project, which involves cooperation of over ten thousand scientists and technicians in seven countries. Even with such cooperation it still takes the scientists 8 years to complete the project. What would happen if there is no cooperation and each scientist does the research of his own? In that case the project may take human over eight hundred years, if it can be completed at all.

NBA is another good example of cooperation. Why games could attract so many fans to watch? Suppose that a super team that hire all the best players undisputedly get champions of the league, wouldn’t people flock to see the games week after week, year after year? Well, not for long in that fans want a game is not a sure thing. For executives, it is actually in their best interest when other teams win the game, because that creates excitement that draws people in watching the next game. These competitors are really allies in the large sense of creating a business that continues to generate revenues. All teams are winner because they all get profits. In short, cooperation is a successful strategy. Therefore, it is called for a future leader should learn how to cooperate with others or groups.

It is true that cooperation is a good way for leaders in future, yet we cannot underestimate the power of competition. Common sense tells me that competition can spur one or group to make progress. In the process, all competitors want to win and can be galvanized to do better than other competitors. Otherwise, it is possible that one or group may lose due to inability of competition. Just like a pie, all competitors want to get the bigger piece, but only the winner can get the bigger one. If AMD do not promote its chip technology to compete with Intel, does it have consumers in market? If a player does not compete with others in contest, will he or she get the Gold metal? Therefore, if one leader has no sense of competition and do not know how to compete with other groups, only the failure for individual or group is a result.

In conclusion, if only having a well-developed sense of competition, leaders can guide their group to acquire the bigger pie; if only having a good sense of competition, leaders can guide their group to acquire the bigger pie each other—win-win situation. Therefore, both competition and cooperation should be instilled in its young people.

小室黄瓜UID: 2155213

占一下！一会来学习！
1。需要合作--两个例子：基因计划和NBA
2。同样需要竞争

Which a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them, a sense of cooperation or a sense of competition? 感觉第一句话结构不好。头重脚轻，应该换一下语序。而且读起来易产生歧义。The speaker claims the former one, although（这个词用得不对吧？作者是肯定这一点的阿，为什么肴转折呢？应该换成because） some leaders whether in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition. However, in my view both cooperation and competition are necessary for the future leader, whether in government, sports, and other areas.论点提出来了，不过句子需要再改进。

First of all, in modern society, we will face with more complicate problems with which all the country or companies are confronted, such as poverty, starvation, AIDS, SARS, and trade conflict.第一句话应该是ts，但你没有把你要说的合作提进来！ As a leader of country or company, one should learn about how to cooperate with other countries or companies to together resolve these ones.我觉得把这句和第一句combine一下就好了！你说呢？ (Otherwise, one can spend many times money and time）otherwise, one have to spend a great deal of money and time which maybe triple or more in resolving the same problems, can we do this way? Is it the effective way? （我以前写的时候就有过这样的习惯，就是写问句，但是后来被改说这样会口语化，所以还是尽量避免写这样的提问，而换之以回答，就是例子比较好！仅供参考！）Obviously, we need efforts from everyone or groups. A good example is the Human Genome Project, which involves cooperation of over ten thousand scientists and technicians in seven countries. Even with such cooperation it still takes the scientists 8 years to complete the project. What would happen if there is no cooperation and each scientist does the research of his own? In that case the project may take human over eight hundred years, if it can be completed at all.例子不错，赞一个！学习！（提外话：你是学生物的么？）

NBA is another good example of cooperation.（个人觉得这样的开头不是很好。会有堆砌例子只嫌！NBA和基因组计划有什么性质上的不同？为什么你用一段来说它？还有如果第一段把NBA与合作的关系说进去的话就好一点了！） Why games could attract so many fans to watch? Suppose that a super team that hire all the best players undisputedly get champions of the league, wouldn’t people flock to see the games week after week, year after year? Well, not for long in that fans want a game is not a sure thing. For executives, it is actually in their best interest when other teams win the game, because that creates excitement that draws people in watching the next game. These competitors are really allies in the large sense of creating a business that continues to generate revenues. All teams are winner because they all get profits. In short, cooperation is a successful strategy. Therefore, it is called for a future leader should learn how to cooperate with others or groups.又有很多问句哦！注意一下这一点吧，可以换一种句式说

It is true that cooperation is a good way for leaders in future, yet we cannot underestimate the power of competition. Common sense tells me that competition can spur one or group to make progress. In the process, all competitors want to win and can be galvanized to do better than other competitors. Otherwise, it is possible that one or group may lose due to inability of competition. Just like a pie, all competitors want to get the bigger piece, but only the winner can get the bigger one. If AMD do not promote its chip technology to compete with Intel, does it have consumers in market? If a player does not compete with others in contest, will he or she get the Gold metal? Therefore, if one leader has no sense of competition and do not know how to compete with other groups, only the failure for individual or group is a result.这一段分析得不错

In conclusion, if only having a well-developed sense of competition, leaders can guide their group to acquire the bigger pie; if only having a good sense of competition, leaders can guide their group to acquire the bigger pie each other—win-win situation. Therefore, both competition and cooperation should be instilled in its young people.嗯，结尾挺有新意的。总结的也很到位！
水平有限。希望对你有用！
狠拍一下我的吧！

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[ 本帖最后由 小室黄瓜 于 2006-3-7 14:58 编辑 ]

jackloveUID: 183611

恩，下来改改~~谢谢
就是连续连个例子，我感觉分开段落比较顺眼
不然一个段子太庞大了点//

songsuenghunUID: 2147227

Which a society can 　can a society better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them, a sense of cooperation or a sense of competition?读起来不顺畅 The speaker claims the former one, although some leaders whether in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition.如果前面这么铺垫，那么我个人觉得你的thesis sentence应该归结到合作对于future leader起着更大的作用 However, in my view both cooperation and competition are necessary for the future leader,whether in government, sports, and other areas.重复两次了
这样改是否好些，值得讨论
I concede that some leaders whether in government, sports, industry, and other areas do benefit a lot from competition. However, im my view cooperation also plays a vital role for the future leader．这样可以起到平衡观点的作用

First of all, in modern society, we will face with more complicate problems with which all the country or companies are confronted同样意思重复，看起来罗嗦，也无topic sentence, such as poverty, starvation, AIDS, SARS, and trade conflict. As a leader of country or company, one should learn about how to cooperate with other countries or companies to together resolve these ones指代不清Otherwise, one can spend many times 改成much more好些 money and time in resolving the same problems, can we do this way? Is it the effective way? Obviously, we need efforts from everyone or groups. A good example is the Human Genome Project, which involves cooperation of over ten thousand scientists and technicians in seven countries. Even with such cooperation it still takes the scientists 8 years to complete the project. What would happen if there is no cooperation and each scientist does the research of his own? In that case the project may take human over eight hundred years, if it can be completed at all.例子不错，学习ing

NBA is another good example of cooperation. Why games could attract so many fans to watch? Suppose that a super team that hire all the best players undisputedly get  to win champions of the league, wouldn’t people flock to see the games week after week, year after year? Well, not for long in that fans want a game is not a sure thing不好懂. For executives, it is actually in their best interest when other teams win the game, because that creates excitement that draws people in watching the next game. These competitors are really allies in the large sense of creating a business that continues to generate revenues. All teams are winner because they all get profits. In short, cooperation is a successful strategy. Therefore, it is called for a future leader should learn how to cooperate with others or groups.
这段论述的不好　你要论述的内容是合作起到的作用，而你大量篇幅在写为什么比赛吸引人，偏离主题
It is true that cooperation is a good way for leaders in future, yet we cannot underestimate the power of competition. Common sense tells me that competition can spur one or group to make progress. In the process, all competitors want to win and can be galvanized ？to do better than other competitors. Otherwise, it is possible that one or group may lose due to inability of competition. Just like a pie, all competitors want to get the bigger piece, but only the winner can get the bigger one. If AMD do not promote its chip technology to compete with Intel, does it have consumers in market? If a player does not compete with others in contest, will he or she get the Gold metal? Therefore, if one leader has no sense of competition and do not know how to compete with other groups, only the failure for individual or group is a result.

In conclusion, if only having a well-developed sense of competition, leaders can guide their group to acquire the bigger pie; if only having a good sense of competition, leaders can guide their group to acquire the bigger pie each other—win-win situation. Therefore, both competition and cooperation should be instilled in its young people.

文章结构没问题，挺清晰，主题句最好出现在首句，让读者一目了然．
可能由于限时原因　语言比较平淡－没有很多高分词汇，有些句子比较难懂
例子挺丰富！加油:)

[ 本帖最后由 songsuenghun 于 2006-3-11 02:11 编辑 ]