同主题写作第二期--166--欢迎互拍

xiaowenzi118UID: 202887

166. People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer  

With a never-ending childhood, Peter Pan is really different. However, all of us have to grow up and experience the events which distinguish adults from children.

When we were children, everything was ready-made for us. Meals were made before we got up; school bags were packed before we went to school; laundries were also done by our parents. When our parents did these routines for us, they also made every sigle decision for us. We were carefree and needed to take no responsibiity.

Getting an ID card is really a big event in one's life. It means that we have reached the age of adulthood and have to take responsibilities for ourselves from then on. We have to make our own decision which is really a big step. Once our parents no longer treat us as children, they will definitely respect our opinions. Making our own decision is the first step to adulthood.

Entering college is another event that makes adults different from children. Campus life is quite different from that at home. There's nobody to babysit us and we have to do everything by ourselves. What's more, with no parent aside, we have to solve every single problem by ourselves. Independence is a new level of adulthood.

When we grow older, we will have to pursue our own career and get married. At that time, we will have to take responsibilities. Not only for ourselves, but for our parents, spousers and children. Taking all kinds of responsibilities is a must for adults.

Peter Pan wants to enjoy the carefree childhood forever and refuses to grow up. It's a pity that his cowardice prevents him from enjoying the beauty of growing pains as well as being a complete man. Children needs to grow up to become adults who are independent, self-responsible and able to make their own decisions.

第一篇twe，字数好像有点少。另外还有时态的问题不好把握，需要大家的意见。
欢迎大家指教。留下链接。:handshake

[ 本帖最后由 xiaowenzi118 于 2006-4-17 08:26 编辑 ]

深蓝深圳UID: 2118855

With a never-ending childhood, Peter Pan is really different. However, all of us have to grow up and experience the events which distinguish adults from children.

When we were children, everything was ready-made for us. Meals were[had been,下同] made before we got up; school bags were packed before we went to school; laundries were also done by our parents. When our parents did these routines for us, they also made every sigle[single] decision for us. We were carefree and needed to take no responsibiity[need to no读起来显得不够流畅，建议改为needed not to take].

Getting an ID card is really a big event in one's life. It means that we have reached the age of adulthood and have to take responsibilities for ourselves from then on. We have to make our own decision which is really a big step. Once our parents no longer treat us as children, they will definitely respect our opinions. Making our own decision is the first step to adulthood.[此段逻辑稍显不清：区分大人与小孩子的东西，是getting an ID card还是making our own decision?]

Entering [加入the] college is another event that makes adults different from children. Campus life is quite different from that at home. There's nobody to babysit us and we have to do everything by ourselves. What's more, with no parent aside, we have to solve every single problem by ourselves. Independence is a new level of adulthood.

When we grow older, we will have to [此处的have to与下文的have to显得有些重复，建议删去] pursue our own career and get married. At that time, we will have to take [建议加入more，因为responsibility从小就应该take^_^，只是现在应该take更多而已]responsibilities. Not only for ourselves, but for our parents, spousers and children. Taking all kinds of responsibilities is a must for adults.

Peter Pan wants to enjoy the carefree childhood forever and refuses to grow up. It's a pity that his cowardice prevents him from enjoying the beauty of growing pains as well as being a complete man. Children needs [need] to grow up to become adults who are independent, self-responsible and able to make their own decisions.

LZ文章写得非常流畅，长短句错落有致，且几乎没有语法错误，读起来很舒服：）相信这能给阅卷老师一个相当好的第一印象。
不过感觉LZ进入正题稍显慢了些：）在读完前两段时，依然看不出来到底哪些东西是从小孩子变成了大人的标志。这与北美开门见山的文章风格略显不符：）
总体来说，LZ写得很不错。继续加油！祝5T成功！
^_^

xiaowenzi118UID: 202887

非常感谢版主的指点。
在文章结构上确实还需加强，最近正准备对各类模板进行一下研究，希望早日形成能明确表达自己意思的模板。:)

allisonUID: 192807

建议把每段的中心句写在第一句
文章不同于一般的TWE议论文，但有独特的一面，语言很成功，能吸引人
其它的楼上的都改得差不多了。
really a big event in one's life
a big step
->可变化一下 ，不要常用big
形式很活泼。语言真的很流畅啊，很想请教楼主是怎么练就的，诚心请教
谢谢你帮我改作文

深蓝深圳UID: 2118855

原帖由 xiaowenzi118 于 2006-4-16 19:15 发表
非常感谢版主的指点。
在文章结构上确实还需加强，最近正准备对各类模板进行一下研究，希望早日形成能明确表达自己意思的模板。:)

不用谢:)
你准备研究模板的方法是非常正确的：）相信肯定可以让你如虎添翼。
建议在准备模板时，注意一下以下这几个方面（当然，这只是个人建议，仅供参考^_^）：
1。allison说得非常好，建议将各段的中心句放在句首。这种开门见山的作法，其实与偶之前提到的第一段就表明观点的作法是一致的。
2。在准备模版时，既要注重各段之间的衔接（如上一段应该的总结句，下一段的过渡句），也要注重段内的衔接（如表原因、转折的各类连接词，以及常用的使句子更流畅的句式，如：not only...but also...等）。
3。千万不要照抄网上或者是书上已经固有的模版。这些模版已经被N多人重复使用过了，不仅没有新意，甚至还有被ETS判为雷同卷的可能。正确的作法，应该是自己先写几篇作文，然后看一下，是否有哪一些过渡句、总结句或连接词，自己最喜欢用？用起来最舒服顺手？最容易套在同类型的不同作文中？如果有的话，就将这些东西组合成模版，这样，就能得到最适合自己而且不与他人重复的模版了：）

最后有一点要小小提醒一下：模版是死的，人是活的。你已经有了相当好的写作基础，不用模版也能写出好文章。模版，只是当你在考场上万一遇到没有思路的情况时，帮你迅速保证字数和结构的一颗定心丸而已。千万不要被模版压制了你的写作才华哦~：）

先谈这么多了^_^GOOD LUCK！！！加油！！！！等你的好消息！！！！

[ 本帖最后由 深蓝深圳 于 2006-4-17 03:15 编辑 ]

xiaowenzi118UID: 202887

斑竹真是敬业，多谢指点。
PS：大家同是来自太湖边。;P