Issue161 [展翅高飞] 第4次作业 jalline

jallineUID: 2192970

蓝色部分为后来修改

TOPIC: ISSUE161 - "In this age of intensive media coverage, it is no longer possible for a society to regard any woman or man as a hero. The reputation of anyone who is subjected to media scrutiny will eventually be diminished."
WORDS: 434          TIME: 0:45:00          DATE: 2006-7-19

Intensive media development unrolls before us a brand new era, in which none of us can escape from its influence. Extremely, even some personal and private affairs are dug out and disclosed to public through the media. Due to this, there goes a saying that, "The reputation of anyone who is subjected to media scrutiny will eventually be diminished." As far as I am concerned, this is admittedly reasonable, however, only a unilateral facet of this issue is concerning about in this statement.

Primarily, the media scrutiny indeed ruins some heroes esteemed by the ostensible facts. Motivated to discover more and facilitated by ever-updating technology, the media nowadays boasts more a gorgeous power dominating the society than merely a tool to spread the information. For example, the sexual scandal of American President Bill Clinton with his intern Lewinsky is an apt case in point. In this affair, even a compromising chat with the female secretary can be discovered by the reporters, and then through their endeavor, known for the common people. The media scrutiny, seeing from this case, functions as a beneficial evaluator existing everywhere, and require for a hero who must be uniformed[of the same quality/identical] no matter before the audience or behind. This kind of diminishing the so-called hero should be espoused.

In addition, the media sometimes also successfully makes one hero. Only by stepping into the most remote village, in some undeveloped country, can the efforts made by one average people to sacrifice his whole life to educate the children there be complimented by the world. Only by the media's comprehensive and justifiable analysis of one's role in one certain complex situation can the common people get aware of his/her unique value. In this sense, the media made the hero, not to diminish them.

Nevertheless, I would like to put some emphasis on the bad effects of the contemporary media scrutiny, for instance endangering human being's privacy, release of important messages not suitable to be published, or even forfeiting one's life for the huge pressure the media exerting on he/she[him/her]. The Dianna case [The case of Diana, Princess of Wales] is an apt example to illuminate this. Because of the extensive caring about her private life, she has keeping[to keep] escaping from this moment to the next, eventually lost her life in one car accident, when she was chasing by a group of  reporters. This is a very sad tragedy. Therefore, no matter what we do, the basis for respecting the individual privacy and freedom should never be neglected.

Weighing all the points above, a balanced opinion should be concentrated on the media scrutiny issue. We may retrace back into the intrinsic characteristic of media, that is, a tool. How to use it well depends on ourselves.

[ 本帖最后由 jalline 于 2006-7-19 23:32 编辑 ]

jallineUID: 2192970

自己修改后的

Intensive media development unrolls before us a brand new era, in which none of us can escape from its influence. Extremely, even some personal and private affairs are dug out and disclosed to public through the media. Due to this, there goes a saying that, "The reputation of anyone who is subjected to media scrutiny will eventually be diminished." [Granted the media having cast some heroes down owing to its omnipresent scrutiny, nevertheless, as far as I am concerned, only a unilateral facet of this issue is concerning about in this statement. Besides, the media could also function as a positive role in the achievement of one hero.]

Primarily, the media scrutiny indeed ruins some heroes esteemed by the ostensible facts. Motivated to discover more and facilitated by ever-updating technology, the media nowadays boasts more a gorgeous power dominating the society than merely a tool to spread the information. For example, the sexual scandal of American President Bill Clinton with his intern Lewinsky is an apt case in point. In this affair, even a compromising chat with the female secretary can be discovered by the reporters, and then through their endeavor, known for the common people. Furthermore, this eventually leads to the second impeachment of the President in American history. The media scrutiny, seeing from this case, functions as a significant and  beneficial evaluator existing everywhere, and set a much higher standard to be a hero , that is, being identical, no matter before the audience or behind. This kind of diminishing the so-called hero should be espoused.

In addition, the media sometimes also successfully makes one hero. Only by stepping into the most remote village, in some undeveloped country, can the efforts made by one average people to sacrifice his whole life to educate the children there be complimented by the outside world. Only by the media's comprehensive and justifiable analysis of one's role in one certain complex situation can the common people get aware of his/her unique value. Then from whence heroes emerge out.That is to say, were not for the media who expands the scrutiny of them, common people are failing to recognize these heroes. In this sense, the media made the hero, not to diminish them.

Nevertheless, I would like to put some emphasis on the negative effects of the contemporary media scrutiny, for instance endangering human being's privacy, releasing of important messages not suitable to be published, or even forfeiting one's life for the huge pressure the media exerting on him/her. The case of Diana, Princess of Wales is an apt example to illuminate this. Because of the extensive caring about her private life, she has to keep escaping from this moment to the next, eventually lost her life in one car accident, when she was chasing by a group of reporters. This is a very sad tragedy. [The same question plagued nearly all the public idols, largely attributing to the media’s consistent perseverance seeking to discover more about their private life, with which to entertainment the populace. Nevertheless, every one, including the celebrity, is entitled by the law that they have the rights to be uninterrupted in their own legitimate life. Defying the basic respect to the individual privacy and freedom, this kind of media scrutiny is definitely to blame.]

Weighing all the points above, a balanced opinion should be concentrated on the media scrutiny issue. We may retrace back into the intrinsic characteristic of media, that is, a tool. How to use it well depends on ourselves

[ 本帖最后由 jalline 于 2006-7-20 13:52 编辑 ]

dicmiUID: 183392

Intensive media development unrolls before us [before us 去掉] a brand new era [to us], in which none of us can escape from its influence. Extremely, even some personal and private affairs are dug out and disclosed to public through the media. Due to this, there goes a saying that, "The reputation of anyone who is subjected to media scrutiny will eventually be diminished." Granted the media having cast some heroes down owing to its omnipresent scrutiny, nevertheless, as far as I am concerned, only a unilateral[这个不错] facet of this issue is concerning about in this statement. Besides, the media could also function[play吧,play a positive role in。。。] as a positive role in the achievement of one hero.

Primarily, the media scrutiny indeed ruins some heroes esteemed by the ostensible facts. Motivated to discover more and facilitated by ever-updating technology, the media nowadays boasts more a gorgeous power dominating the society than merely a tool to spread the information. For example, the sexual scandal of American President Bill Clinton with his intern Lewinsky is an apt case in point. In this affair, even a compromising chat with the female secretary can be discovered by the reporters, and then through their endeavor, known for the common people. Furthermore[这个furthermore是不是多了？], this eventually leads to the second impeachment of the President in American history. The media scrutiny, seeing from this case, functions as a significant and  beneficial evaluator[？] existing everywhere, and set a much higher standard to be a hero , that is, being identical, no matter before the audience or behind. This kind of diminishing the so-called hero should be espoused. [句子不错，但是。。长句太多了啊，看的偶都晕了。。。。]

In addition, the media sometimes also successfully makes one hero. Only by stepping into the most remote village, in some undeveloped country, can the efforts made by one average people to sacrifice his whole life to educate the children there be complimented by the outside world. Only by the media's comprehensive and justifiable analysis of one's role in one certain complex situation can the common people get aware of his/her unique value. Then from whence [whence是可以这么用的么？] heroes emerge out. That is to say, were not for the media who expands the scrutiny[好的作用就不是scrutiny了吧，应该是宣传咯~~] of them, common people are failing to recognize these heroes. In this sense, the media made the hero, not to diminish them.

Nevertheless, I would like to put some emphasis on the negative effects of the contemporary media scrutiny, for instance endangering human being' [human being用在这种场合不是很好吧，就用people咯]s privacy, releasing of important messages not suitable to be published, or even forfeiting one's life for the huge pressure the media exerting [exerts] on him/her. The case of Diana, Princess of Wales is an apt example to illuminate this. Because of the extensive caring [curiosity] about her private life, she has [had] to keep escaping from this moment to the next, eventually lost her life in one car accident, when she was chasing [chased] by a group of reporters. This is a very sad tragedy. The same question plagued [plagues] nearly all the public idols[figures], largely attributing to the media’s consistent perseverance seeking to discover more about their private life, with which to entertainment[entertain] the populace. Nevertheless, [nevertheless again? Same words as that in the beginning of this paragraph] every one, including the celebrity, is entitled by the law that they have the rights to be uninterrupted in their own legitimate life. Defying the basic respect to the individual privacy and freedom, this kind of media scrutiny is definitely to blame.

Weighing all the points above, a balanced opinion should be concentrated on the media scrutiny issue. We may retrace back into the intrinsic characteristic of media, that is, a tool. How to use it well depends on ourselves.
[说说总体的感觉吧，现在长句太多了哈，看得很费力。其实句子还是不错的，但是看如何组织了。论证前两段清楚，第三段不知道为什么又转折了？我觉得第一段让步的话，后两段就该肯定媒体的作用了啊，虽然第三点的确存在，但是我觉得不适合在这个位置提出。讨论下吧：） 继续加强这一点吧。:：）]

jallineUID: 2192970

谢谢dicmi的意见， 很确切。
句子问题正在集中突破中，还有很多需要提高的地方。
后面有些转折的地方的确用的不对
不过第三段我转的想法是前两段属于media的正面效应， 这一点是负面效应， 我觉得没问题。
但自己再看了看，应该是前面两段之间的联系铺垫的不好，使整体看起来像三层意思

出现一些拼写和语法错误， 实在不好意思，下次一定注意。

先占个座，有时间了再自己改一次

xmbjowlUID: 2182375

seated, 晚上来！

xmbjowlUID: 2182375

Intensive media development unrolls（这个词很好哟，红宝都没有的～） before us（这个多余了） a brand new era, in which none of us can escape from its influence. Extremely, even some personal and private affairs are dug out and disclosed to public through the media. Due to this, there goes a saying that, "The reputation of anyone who is subjected to media scrutiny will eventually be diminished." [Granted the media having cast some heroes down owing to its omnipresent scrutiny, nevertheless, as far as I am concerned, only a unilateral facet of this issue（嗯，表达的到位） is concerning about in this statement. Besides, the media could also function as a positive role in the achievement of one hero.]

Primarily, the media scrutiny indeed ruins some heroes esteemed by the ostensible facts（你是想说
由于The ostensible facts所以被esteem吧？by好像不大合适啊）. Motivated to discover more and facilitated by ever-updating technology, the media nowadays boasts more a gorgeous power dominating the society than merely a tool to spread(transmit) the information. For example, the sexual scandal of American President Bill Clinton with his intern（我不懂为什么用这个词？请教） Lewinsky is an apt case in point. In this affair, even a compromising chat with the female secretary can be discovered by the reporters, and then through their endeavor, known for the common people. Furthermore, this eventually leads to the second impeachment of the President in American history. The media scrutiny, seeing from this case, functions as a significant and  beneficial evaluator existing everywhere, and set a much higher standard to be a hero , that is, being identical, no matter before the audience or behind. This kind of diminishing the so-called hero should be espoused.（这个长句使我无法看清观点）

In addition, the media sometimes also successfully makes one hero. Only by stepping into the most remote village, in some undeveloped country, can the efforts made by one(a) average people to sacrifice his whole life to educate the children there be complimented by the outside world. Only by the media's comprehensive and justifiable analysis of one's role in one certain complex situation can the common people get aware of his/her unique value.（这句观点和表达都不错！） Then from whence heroes emerge out.That is to say, were not for the media who expands the scrutiny of them（指谁？）, common people are failing(fails) to recognize these heroes. In this sense, the media made the hero, not to diminish them.（结论句简洁，偶喜欢～）

Nevertheless, I would like to put some emphasis on the negative effects of the contemporary media scrutiny, for instance endangering human being's privacy, releasing of important messages not suitable to be published, or even forfeiting one's life for the huge pressure the media exerting on him/her. （应再简要分析一下媒体为什么会如此，是为了迎合大众？满足好奇？无聊使然？）The case of Diana, Princess of Wales is an apt example to illuminate this.上次举例子你就这么说得，换个句式 Because of the extensive caring about her private life, she has to keep escaping from this moment to the next,（你描述的话面让我想到一只蹦蹦跳跳的兔兔～） eventually lost her life in one car accident,不要用when,就点明是因果关系 when she was chasing by a group of reporters. This is a very sad tragedy. [The same question plagued （这个词好）nearly all the public idols, largely attributing(attributed) to the media’s consistent perseverance(persistent) seeking to discover more about their private life, with which to entertainment the populace. Nevertheless, every one, including the celebrity, is entitled by the law that they have the rights to be uninterrupted in their own legitimate(不要) life. Defying（lack） the basic respect to the individual privacy and freedom, this kind of media scrutiny is definitely to blame.]
不如把body1.body2的positions exchange 一下，放在一起说negative effects, 否则有种twist or zigzag的感觉
Weighing all the points above, a balanced opinion should be concentrated on the media scrutiny issue. We may retrace back into the intrinsic characteristic of media, that is, a tool. How to use it well depends on ourselves
结尾还可以
看来你是不大喜欢媒体，那就应该把媒体的不好放在一起论述，不要转来转去的。思路还是比较清晰的。