argument147 【0710G 五一互助小组】第一次作业

布兜兜UID: 2253272

Arguement147:"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

提纲：
1、  W公司在过去亏损的原因不明
2、  10-25岁的青年喜欢需要最先进的电脑的，具有活灵活现图像的游戏，不代表只要是这类游戏他们就能够购买。因为此类游戏成本较高，往往售价较贵，而10-25岁的人群大部分没有独立的经济能力，也许不能够afford购买游戏的费用。
3、  需要最先进的电脑的，具有活灵活现图像的游戏，意味着玩家必须拥有配置很高很先进的电脑.然而不是所有的人都负担得起昂贵的电脑的，特别是10-25岁的人。所以就算他们能负担购买游戏的费用，也缺乏购买高级电脑的能力。人们不会购买自己玩不了的游戏，所以销售量下降的趋势不会改变。
4、  有可能整个游戏乃至经济市场都在萧条，不止w公司，人们的购买力普遍不足，就算广告做得再好，也无济于事。


In this argument, the author draws the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games will be increase. Supporting by showing the result of a survey which indicates players prefer lifelike graphics games which require the most up-to-date computers, and this company has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. This argument is definitely porous after a carefully examination.

First, the main problem of the decline of the Whirlwind video games has been completely neglected. It is probably not the sort of games but other factors, such as inappropriate operate, coarse design, high price or strong competitions, give rise to the sales problems. Without finding where the rub is and improve the games’ qualities, even extensive well-designed advertising campaigns are useless. People will still refuse to buy the product and the trend of sales declination will not change.

Second, the fact that young people prefer games provide lifelike graphics does not ensure that they will spend money on it. One reason is that these kinds of game are always expensive. Since they naturally requires high cost to make dramatic photographs and 3-d video, both of which need more superior engineers than other sorts of game to engage in .What is more, the cost of making gorgeous advertises may make the price higher. Another reason is that most people in the 10-25 age-group, who are most likely to play video games, are students—who often rely on their parents and do not have in dependant economic ability. That means, although the advertises of Whirlwind video games will catch their eyes, they can not afford the high price and still won not buy it.

Third, even if they can afford the game, there still come up with another problem, the computer. As its mentions above this sort of games calls for up-to-date computer, which maybe include the most high-Tec Audio-disk, Video-disk, and if the player want to it more smoothly, a big memory-disk is indispensable, which is obviously a luxury that only owned by riches. All of those limit the number of the players, especially who were in the age of 10-25.  People are sensible creatures, will anybody chose to buy a game that he cannot play?

  Fourth, the author provides no evidence about the situation of the whole market. The company is hard to increase its sales of the games if the whole market is during depression.

To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer should analysis why the sales declined over the past two years and find effective solution based on that. Additionally, the arguer should pay more consideration at the game buyers but not the game players.   




[ 本帖最后由 布兜兜 于 2007-5-16 21:52 编辑 ]

ruczephyrUID: 2181202

In this argument, the author draws the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games will be increase. Supporting by showing the result of a survey which indicates players prefer lifelike graphics games which require the most up-to-date computers, and this company has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. This argument is definitely porous after a carefully examination. 开头不错，简洁明了。

First, the main problem of the decline of the Whirlwind video games has been completely neglected. It is probably not the sort of games but other factors, such as inappropriate operate, coarse design, high price or strong competitions, give rise to the sales problems. Without finding where the rub is and improve the games’ qualities, even extensive well-designed advertising campaigns are useless. People will still refuse to buy the product and the trend of sales declination will not change.这个错误找的有些偏了，题目中作者只说了w公司的销售量会提高，并没有说W公司一定能赢利。

Second, the fact that young people prefer games provide lifelike graphics does not ensure that they will spend money on it. One reason is that these kinds of game are always expensive. Since they naturally requires high cost to make dramatic photographs and 3-d video, both of which need more superior engineers than other sorts of game to engage in .这一句和贵没什么关系吧。What is more, the cost of making gorgeous advertises may make the price higher. Another reason is that most people in the 10-25 age-group, who are most likely to play video games, are students—who often rely on their parents and do not have in dependant economic ability. That means, although the advertises of Whirlwind video games will catch their eyes, they can not afford the high price and still won not buy it.错误找的挺准的，不过论据找的不是太准确，而且论证的稍微有些单薄。

Third这一。二。三太常见了吧，换点written eng的词吧, even if they can afford the game, there still come up with another problem, the computer问题是？电脑怎么了？. As its mentions above this sort of games calls for up-to-date computer, which maybe include the most high-Tec Audio-disk, Video-disk, and if the player want to it more smoothly, a big memory-disk is indispensable, 没必要说的这么详细吧which is obviously a luxury that only owned by riches. All of those limit the number of the players, especially who were in the age of 10-25.  People are sensible creatures, will anybody chose to buy a game that he cannot play?

  Fourth, the author provides no evidence about the situation of the whole market. The company is hard to increase its sales of the games if the whole market is during depression.这一段就一句？不会吧。。伤其10指不如断其一指，错误找的多不如论证的深入透彻。

To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer should analysis why the sales declined over the past two years and find effective solution based on that. Additionally, the arguer should pay more consideration at the game buyers but not the game players.   

比较突出的问题是每一段结尾没有和主题扣上，段落的层次感也稍欠，论证不够深入。

有时间拍一下我的，thx

布兜兜UID: 2253272

感谢拍文，非常有价值的意见呢，埋头修改ing

已回评^^

ruczephyrUID: 2181202

有个疑问，我感觉这个题对于up-to-date computers和w公司的产品是完全不同的2个东西，而且也分别位于不同层次，所以不能支付购买费用的错误应该批两处，虽然作用和地位都不同。

ruczephyrUID: 2181202

那个survey和后面的advertising campaign面对的对象作者并没有说是完全一样的啊

布兜兜UID: 2253272

嗯，对，是我想左了>_< 3Q~~~

boylittleUID: 2304303

In this argument, the author draws the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games will be increase. Supporting by showing the result of a survey which indicates players prefer lifelike graphics games which require the most up-to-date computers, and this company has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. This argument is definitely porous after a carefully examination. 第一段值得学习First, the main problem of the decline of the Whirlwind video games has been completely neglected. It is probably not the sort of games but other factors, such as inappropriate operate（operation?）, coarse design, high price or strong competitions, give rise to the sales problems. Without finding where the rub is and improving the games’ qualities, even extensive well-designed advertising campaigns are useless.( make no sense更好些吧？) People will still refuse to buy the product and the trend of declination of sales will not change.Second, the fact that young people prefer games providing lifelike graphics does not ensure that they will spend money on it. One reason is that these kinds of game are always expensive. Since they naturally requires high cost to make dramatic photographs and 3-d video, both of which need more superior engineers than other sorts of game to engage in .What is more, the cost of making gorgeous advertises may make the price higher. Another reason is that most people in the 10-25 age-group, who are most likely to play video games, are students—who often rely on their parents and do not have in dependant economic ability. That means, although the advertises of Whirlwind video games will catch their eyes, they can not afford the high price and still won not buy themThird, even if they can afford the game, there still come up with another problem, the computer. As its mentions above this sort of games calls for up-to-date computer, which maybe include （读起来好别扭）may have the most advanced hardware such as .....the most high-Tec Audio-disk, Video-disk, and if the player want to it more smoothly, a big memory-disk is indispensable, which is obviously a luxury that only owned by the minority. All of those limit the number of the players, especially who were in the age of 10-25.  People are sensible creatures, will anybody chose to buy a game that he cannot play?   Fourth, the author provides no evidence about the situation of the whole market. The company is hard to increase its sales of the games if the whole market is during depression.To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer should analysis why the sales declined over the past two years and find effective solution based on that. Additionally, the arguer should pay more consideration at the game buyers but not the game players.   
比我写得好多了 学习ing

小破孩UID: 2125288

感觉应该用Firstly,Secondly, Thirdly吧,难道不是应该副词做句首状语吗?