issue51 作文呀，我拿什么来爱你。哭死。

果小冻UID: 208370

ISSUE51
- "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."
WORDS: 755       TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2007-7-16 8:15:42

Believe or not, education nowadays has played a more and more crucial role in nearly every parts of our lives. Thus, it is rather important for all of us to seek for a truly effective way of education, which is able to bring the student the most benefits. Then, does it mean that we should make education specifically designed as the needs and interests of each student? In my point of view, such approach is impossible and also has little use to the further development of students.

Firstly, before talking about the most effective education, we need to acknowledge the exact purpose of education at different levels. As to primary education, the most important thing is to introduce children to the skills, information, and attitudes necessary for proper adjustment to their community and society. Both the teacher and the parents should equip the children with enough knowledge and faculties, which are the basic for their later careers. Then in the period of secondary education, the purpose is to expand knowledge of subjects already studied, including the systematic study of literature, foreign language, science, mathematics, social studies, and other subjects essential for physical and intellectual development and to prepare students as future citizens. Both in primary education and in secondary education, the most crucial is to make prepare for the further education-----high education. It is the time for specialized study to qualify the individual for professional activity for employment in higher position in business, industry, and government. As a result, only when the education exactly fulfills the aims above, it was the truly effective one.

It is impossible for education to specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student for two reasons. To begin with, the students are too young to decide what they really need. They do not have the abilities to choose the best and the most appropriate education for themselves. Perhaps, they will refuse to learn some subjects which seem so difficult, however, these subjects are rather crucial for their development, such as mathematics, physics, and so on. Therefore, it is the duties of teachers and parents to plan the basic education for the children. To some extent, they even do not really know what they are interested in. Maybe they will have interests in dancing one day, however, they will turn to other subjects after some time when they find it is very hard to learn dancing. Obviously, if education is only decided by the individual interests of students, it will never be the real effective one.

Furthermore, to make education specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student is also far from the reality of our society. If there are one hundred students with different needs and interests, then, does it mean that we should prepare one hundred teachers and one hundred plans for education? As a matter of fact, it can never become true. Because we do not have so many resources, including teachers, time and teaching tools. In addition, it is also beyond our abilities to meet the needs and interests of each student.

As a matter of fact, what we should do is to combine the two factors together; not only enhance the basic development of students, but also consider their needs and interests in some ways. Schools may offer some classes according to the individual needs and interests of students after they have finished their main courses. Besides, the teachers and parents have the duties to conduct the students rightly to let them realize what they really need, what they are actually interested in, and what kind of education will bring them a better future. In other words, the really crucial thing what educators should do is not to meet the needs of students at any time, but is to develop the personality of the individual and the significance of their lives to themselves and to others.

In sum, the most effective education is to equip the students with essential knowledge and faculties, which are important to their later development, including not only what they are interested in, but also what may be seem bull and difficult. Admittedly, it is rather of great importance to consider the individual needs and interests of students. However, it can never make education specifically designed to meet everyone’s interests. It is beyond our abilities and also it is impossible for students to know what they really need without sufficient basic knowledge and experience. Thus, the conduct of educators can never be neglected.


[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-7-19 13:09 编辑 ]

OB叔UID: 188695

up

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

Believe or not(这个开头显得不太学术……有点调侃的味道。虽然说AW对于行文风格没有规定，而且5分范文的确有一篇语气很随意，但看了你后面行文风格明显没这趋势，所以建议开头也不要用这种口气), education nowadays has played a more and more crucial role in nearly every parts of our lives. Thus, it is rather important for all of us to seek for a truly effective way of education, which is able to bring the student the most benefits.（这句作为文章开篇有些古怪，因为和文章主题不切合，crucial和individually designed很难建立关系，相比之下不妨强调complex或者challenging，因为重要不代表就要effective，因为即使重要可能原来的教育制度也够用了） Then, does it mean that we should make education specifically designed as the needs and interests of each student?（这里还是逻辑不连续，为兴趣制订和有效其实是作者提出的论点，如果你这么表达等于把它当前提假设了，这里最简单的办法就是直接引用作者的话，把前面两句作为背景然后说A method to realize such effectiveness is positted by the speaker, claiming that... But is that the case? In my point of view..） In my point of view, such approach is impossible and also has little use to the further development of students.（作为主论点而言有些极端，不推荐这么写，适当让步能让思维显得全面些，即使用了一边倒的观点也可以适当肯定反面优势并说这些可以为我所用） Firstly,（Foundamentally/Basically这种比Firstly显得有信息量） before talking about the most effective education, we need to acknowledge the exact purpose of education at different levels. As to primary education, the most important thing is to introduce children to the skills, information, and attitudes necessary for proper adjustment to their community and society. Both the teacher and the parents should equip the children with enough knowledge and faculties （teachers equip children with faculties? 这里用commonsense什么的比较贴近你的观点）, which are the basic for their later careers. Then in the period of secondary education, the purpose is to expand knowledge of subjects already studied, including the systematic study of literature, foreign language, science, mathematics, social studies, and other subjects essential for physical and intellectual development and to prepare students as future citizens. Both in primary education and in secondary education, the most crucial is to make prepare for the further education-----high education. It（指代不明，就近原则说应该指further education，但分了句子又感觉是承接上一句的主语，所以这里还不如用定语从句） is the time for specialized study to qualify the individual for professional activity for employment in higher position in business, industry, and government. As a result, only when the education exactly fulfills the aims above, it was the truly effective one.（这里的论点还是有些绝对，under most situations吧，这段的出发点不错，有高分ISSUE的影子） It is impossible for education to specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student for two reasons.（心凉了一半，高分的影子没了——这个主题句跟上面的前提论述脱节了，前面的论证是为了后面的论证做基础，不是凑字数用的，要充分利用你之前的论据，这里应该说"Since then, the first and second stage that mentioned above indicate an impossibility of individually specialized education，然后在这段中充分利用你之前的论证，而不是完全孤立地另开一段） To begin with, the students are too young to decide what they really need. They do not have the abilities to choose the best and the most appropriate education for themselves. Perhaps, they will refuse to learn some subjects which seem so difficult, however, these subjects are rather crucial for their development, such as mathematics, physics, and so on. Therefore, it is the duties of teachers and parents to plan the basic education for the children.（对于这个论点持保留意见，因为题目说的并不止是interest，还有need，换言之你这些都可以被认为是need，因此以这个为出发点去反对题目观点很难说是合适的。不妨加入恶劣影响法或者不可确定法，比如什么是need什么不是很难直接判断，这种想法容易造成我们忽视基础教育并过于看重学生的个人兴趣，等等。） To some extent, they even do not really know what they are interested in. Maybe they will have interests in dancing one day, however, they will turn to other subjects after some time when they find it is very hard to learn dancing. Obviously, if education is only decided by the individual interests of students, it will never be the real effective one. （第二段打的基础哪里去了？不用太可惜了。to some extent后面的内容跟前面的用这个词连接不合适，on the other hand, moreover等等，这里是个并列关系） Furthermore, to make education specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student is also far from the reality of our society. If there are one hundred students with different needs and interests, then, does it mean that we should prepare one hundred teachers and one hundred plans for education? As a matter of fact, it can never become true. Because we do not have so many resources, including teachers, time and teaching tools. In addition, it is also beyond our abilities to meet the needs and interests of each student. （这段看来跟上一段并列，但这一段和第二段却没有承接关系，所以应该是另一个角度来说，因此上一段开头没必要用个two reasons来限定你的结构，相反流水式的架构更合适也更精确些。） As a matter of fact, （和to some extent一样，这样的引导词也显得过于笼统，而且你这里让步的毫无支持，既然完全反对题目为什么又要COMBINE呢？这里应该加入对题目部分肯定的论点作为combine的基础，比如"However, considering the inevitable benefits brought by specially designed education, which can fully utilize students interests and their enthusiasm and thus enhancing effectiveness, we should....）what we should do is to combine the two factors together; not only enhance the basic development of students, but also consider their needs and interests in some ways.（not only but also有偏重后者的意思，你这里用as well as比较合适，毕竟后面那个是让步观点，二者对等最多了） Schools may offer some classes according to the individual needs and interests of students after they have finished their main courses. Besides, the teachers and parents have the duties to conduct the students rightly to let them realize what they really need, what they are actually interested in, and what kind of education will bring them a better future. In other words, the really crucial thing what educators should do is not to meet the needs of students at any time, but is to develop the personality of the individual and the significance of their lives to themselves and to others.（作为一个升华和解决方案这段的出发点很好，而看上去却跟文章主题句矛盾，因此主题句需要修改下） In sum, the most effective education is to equip the students with essential knowledge and faculties, which are important to their later development, including not only what they are interested in, but also what may be seem bull and difficult. Admittedly, it is rather of great importance to consider the individual needs and interests of students. However, it can never make education specifically designed to meet everyone’s interests.(连续转折容易失去重心，作为总结而言把二者并列来说就可以了) It is beyond our abilities and also it is impossible for students to know what they really need without sufficient basic knowledge and experience. Thus, the conduct of educators can never be neglected. （感觉重复过于死板，造成结尾缺乏信息量，可以再简洁抽象些，象理由之类的就不用说了，把自己想到的解决方案再概括下就行） 总评：思路和结构比较清晰，但组织上有所欠缺，特别是第二段被孤立了，另外主题句也不能很好的引导全文，可以考虑适当缩短文章节省时间，然后最后回过头去调整下主题句。

果小冻UID: 208370

谢谢斑斑这么详细的修改，一定好好学习:loveliness:

果小冻UID: 208370

我想了想，问题关键出在第三段的主题句上面，与第二段没有很好的连接起来。
不知道把第三段分成两部分会不会好点
就是把应该重视基础教育那点东西合到上面第二段里面去

zhugUID: 2298099

斑竹分析的好详细！
我觉得，
lz的大作有以下不足：
1.语言感觉不是很紧凑，就是句与句间逻辑不够好
2.段落间的逻辑，同意lz
自己的说法
3.开头和结尾不是很简练           

  当然比我写的好多了

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