ISSUE130 [LK杀G小组]第十八次作业~By jeilee

jeileeUID: 2298006

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 511         

The issue reveals a growing controversy over the teaching methods depend on which the children are educated. Many people hold the view that it is the socialized children today that can bring a better society in the future, though we have not yet found the most efficient way to raise them, however, I could not side with this assertion as the key on which the problem lies is neglected.

Admittedly, children are the future of the society, and how they are educated greatly determines the destiny of society. But this common sense does not stand for the statement that the only thing needed to the further leaders and masters is socialization--that is, according to the majority of people, skills such as foreign languages, computer and so on. As for me, there are more than these and those “hardware” that children should keep to bright the future--the health, the moral diathesis, the spirit of hard-working, struggle, cooperation and so forth. We can not overlook facts that: without a healthy body non can study and work in a useful thus their contribution to the society are serious undermined; without a rather high moral level to guide their mind and action one may be trapped in wrong direction and may even do harm to the people and society; without the belief of a brighter future one may easily fall down and never stand up from then on thus they would be nothing but burden to the society... Examples like these are too many to mention in this issue, but I think what I want to say is clearly transmitted, that is to say, only by assuring the basic ability of children to face the society in a right position, can the further education be carried out effective, and can the future of our society be sure.

However, parents and schools nowadays seem to ignore such significant "software" education. What they concern about is the grade of children, and questions such as are they success in the competition, or are they good at playing violin? They do everything for the children except tell them how to tell right from wrong, how to success all by themselves, how to weigh on the material wealthy and spiritual treasure... We may strongly shocked when we learn that a well-educated and so-called intellect students killed his classmates and teachers simply by the reason that his composition are not as well as theirs. Nevertheless, do the shock the only thing we get from this terrible case? Maybe we should think over the ill society and ourselves immediate to prevent such cases from happening again.

Fortunately, there are people who have noticed such unhealthy education and call for the attention of public to change it. Although it may be a long and difficult way before we can convey the steady minds of people, the belief of a better society and the true laugh of children would inspire our process.

To conclude, it would never too out-of -fashion to say that the essence ability that children required is the software instead of the hardware. And for the brighter society we can offer the children and the better society we want the children to create, we should teach them in a right way, from now on.

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-7-23 14:29 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

The issue reveals a growing controversy over the teaching methods depend on which the children are educated(这句和后面看不出什么关系来, 特别那个teaching methods写的很笼统, 也不知道要depend on什么东西). Many people hold the view that it is the socialized children today that can bring a better society in the future, though(but 别把题目的转折因果搞反了) we have not yet found the most efficient way to raise them,(表达不同的意思主体时要断句) however, I could not side with this assertion as the key (和前面的句子类似, 这里的key也很笼统, 更严重的是, 你这个KEY应该是主题句的关键, 但用这样指代性强而没有信息量的词来表达, 则会让人不知道你的出发点到底是什么, 你同意的到底是什么观点, 不同意的又是什么观点, 为什么不同意, 想找这个不同意的信息就得到后文去对应看什么是KEY, 问题是中间又插了一段让步, 这样就不能直接找到信息, 带来的问题就是主题不鲜明，立场不明确. 建议用定语从句初步解释这个KEY是什么, 把你对题目的正面回应写清楚, 不要就一句我不同意了事, 从让步来看你是同意一部分题目观点的) on which the problem lies is neglected. Admittedly, children are the future of the society, and how they are educated greatly determines the destiny of society. But this common sense does not stand for the statement that the only thing needed to (for) the further leaders and masters is socialization(题目可没说社会化是ONLY THING NEEDED, 你把题目的意思扭曲以后成为极端观点表达再否定, 等于跑题了)--that is, according to the majority of people, skills such as foreign languages, computer and so on(社会化不止是这些技能而已, 最好查下字典, 一般指covert the needs of society, 就是满足社会生存的任何条件, 从工作技能到交流能力, 心理健康, 都可以被归为社会化. 题目没有把社会化限定在这种技能里, 你就不能自己曲解社会化的意思, 而且according to the majority of people这种表达也是没有依据的). As for me, there are more than these and those “hardware” that children should keep to bright the future--the health, the moral diathesis, the spirit of hard-working, struggle, cooperation and so forth. We can not overlook facts that: without a healthy body non can study and work in a useful thus their contribution to the society are serious undermined; without a rather high moral level to guide their mind and action one may be trapped in wrong direction and may even do harm to the people and society; without the belief of a brighter future one may easily fall down and never stand up from then on thus they would be nothing but burden to the society... Examples like these are too many to mention in this issue, but I think what I want to say is clearly transmitted, that is to say, only by assuring the basic ability of children to face the society in a right position, can the further education be carried out effective, and can the future of our society be sure.(此段你对社会化的理解有误, 可以认为跑题了, 建议再推敲下这个词的辨证含义) However, parents and schools nowadays seem to ignore such significant "software" education. What they concern about is the grade of children, and questions such as are they success in the competition, or are they good at playing violin (把一个如此细节化的东西和competition这种概念并列使句子内容很混乱)?(写到这里你的文章太意识流了, 从grade of children直接跳到了success in competition, 又跳到小提琴, 结果东西都不是一个逻辑层面上的, GRADE并列的可能有技能, 竞争力这些, 但心智健康, 交流能力, 合作同样是竞争成功的要素, 你将问题提到了目的高度, 却以手段的高度去看它, 就会造成论证能够的混乱) They do everything for the children except tell(ing) them how to tell right from wrong, how to success all by themselves, how to weigh on the material wealthy and spiritual treasure... (无论据论断, 请叙述前提再进行这种判断, 比如学校的教育制度, 教育现状等等, 而不是上来就说家长如何如何)We may strongly shocked when we learn that a well-educated and so-called intellect students killed his classmates and teachers simply by the reason that his composition are not as well as theirs. Nevertheless, do the shock the only thing we get from this terrible case? Maybe we should think over the ill society and ourselves immediate to prevent such cases from happening again(这个例子跟前面的论证有什么关系? 要考虑什么ill society? 怎么prevent such cases? 话没说完).(其实你本段的内容恰恰是社会化所要防止的, 即过度关心学习而忽略孩子的全面成长, 对社会的适应, 等等) Fortunately, there are people who have noticed such unhealthy education and call for the attention of public to change it. Although it may be a long and difficult way before we can convey the steady minds of people, the belief of a better society and the true laugh of children would inspire our process.(how to change it? 表达太泛了, 光说steady minds, belief, 这些, 能直接作用于教育本身么? 制度改革, 观念变化, 宣传影响, 很多东西都需要展开. 其实你这两段的内容组织是不错的, 前一段很好的转接到这段, 可是这段的表达几乎和前一段停留在一次层次上, 并没有切实解决前一段提出的问题, 更严重的是基本把socialization这个概念给丢了.) To conclude, it would never too out-of -fashion to say that the essence ability that children required is the software instead of the hardware. And for the brighter society we can offer the children and the better society we want the children to create, we should teach them in a right way, from now on.

总评: 对socialization的错误理解使你整个文章到底同意ISSUE还是反对ISSUE都不清楚, 因此主题立意不明, 使得到后面提出的解决方案没有细节十分抽象, 不能解决题目所讨论的话题. 而论证上举的例子也很不当, 一是没有立即展开分析, 直接说我们被shock了, 原因及启示都没说, 就说我们要防止它再发生, 怎么防止呢? 又把前面说过的话车轱辘又说一遍, 这种论证手段既对不到论点也没有论证力度. 建议学习下官方和北美中对实际例子的应用, 看看它是怎么分析例子并为文章所用的. 参考M-W对socialization的解释, 可以看出和你的理解相差很多: Main Entry: so·cial·ize Pronunciation: 'sO-sh&-"lIz Function: verb Inflected Form(s): -ized; -iz·ing transitive verb 1 : to make social; especially : to fit or train for a social environment 2 a : to constitute on a socialistic basis <socialize industry> b : to adapt to social needs or uses 3 : to organize group participation in <socialize a recitation>

jeileeUID: 2298006

其实挺希望这是最后一才发I了,明年....不想来了....
所以最后一篇~就用曾经失败的结尾吧,无论还是不是失败,起码,我站起来了~

WORDS: 507

There is a growing controversy over the issue about who and how can they contribute to bring about a better society. Many people side with the author and hold the view that it is the socialized children who determines the destiny of society that can fulfill this historical responsibility, but we have not yet learned how to raise them to pursuit the goal. Though I do wholeheartedly agree with the author that socialized children would lead to a better society, I am of the opinion that the key on which the problem lies is not that we do not know how to raise them but we neglect the correct way to raise them.

To begin with, considering the success we have made, it is not doubt they we have created a better society than the past, and considering the progress of these success, we would find that we have already had idea about what are needed in the set up of better society--that is, characters such as cooperation, reasoning, cognitive skills and so on. Thus, we could not pin the failure of raising socialized children on the excuse that we have not yet learned how to raise them as these characters are exact what socialized children should learn. However, people today are misunderstood the essence of raising children. They are overemphasis the significance of the knowledge and overlook the importance of socialization.

Fortunately, there are people who notice these ill education and call for a comprehensive and new education, that is, culture the children to meet the demand of social--the socialization by learning not only knowledge but skills such as how to use the knowledge in the most efficient way, how to communicate with others to fulfill the same goal, how to overcome the failures... And it really turns out to be success in the university--the first one that accepts this teaching method. In the university, there are not longer teachers supervise our studying so we learn to study by ourselves; there are many communities waiting for our participation where we can learn how to cooperate with each other, how to work out a plan and carry it out all by ourselves... University serves as the transition from school to society, and the successful experience can now be used on high schools, which is another big step in the way of socialization of children.

Last but not the least, as for me, the socialization of children would not be the only thing or even may not be the most crucial thing that determines the destiny of society. Natures such as honesty, passion, faithfulness and so forth should not be ignored. As far as I am concerned, these natures may appear to be the skeleton--which is the basic of the body, while the socialization is the fresh and blood, which plenish the body and assure its ongoing prosperous. Therefore, the association of the two contributes to the destiny of society.

To sum up, we should pay more attention on the teaching method used on educating children to be socialized, both on how to raise them to suit the society and develop the good nature that should possess.

strokes7UID: 2262256

加油！

iq28UID: 2152875

There is a growing controversy over the issue about who （这个问题基本可以忽略）and how can they contribute to bring about a better society. Many people side with the author and hold the view that it is the socialized children who determines the destiny of society that can fulfill this historical responsibility, but we have not yet learned how to raise them to pursuit the goal. Though I do wholeheartedly agree with the author that socialized children would lead to a better society, I am of the opinion that the key on which the problem （什么problem？虽然看下文可以猜出problem的指代，但还是要说清楚比较好。）lies isnot that we do not know how to raise them but we neglect the correct way to raise them.（很好，给出观念的基本原因。）

To begin with, considering the success we have made, it is not doubt they （病句读了人郁闷）we have created a better society than the past, and considering the progress of these success, we would find that we have already had idea about what are needed in the set up of better society--that is, characters such as cooperation, reasoning, cognitive skills and so on. （到这里才切入正体。前面废话太多。前面只是陈述过去了的事实，没有说理证明为什么socialization对社会构建的帮助。更何况这个topic更侧重的是题目中的how以及后面的the way。）Thus, we could not pin the failure of raising socialized children on the excuse that we have not yet learned how to raise them as these characters are exact what socialized children should learn. However, people today are misunderstood the essence of raising children. They are overemphasis the significance of the knowledge and overlook the importance of socialization. （这段把题目的观念又重复了一遍？没必要吧。而且也没有具体深入是如何neglect了socialization。从段末来看是同意了topic。）

（从这段开头来看又是反对了topic。我有点confused了。或者至少你要把时效性写清楚，以前如何，后来如何，blablabla。。）Fortunately, there are people who notice these ill education and call for a comprehensive and new education, that is, culture the children to meet the demand of social--the socialization by learning not only knowledge but skills such as how to use the knowledge in the most efficient way, how to communicate with others to fulfill the same goal, how to overcome the failures... And it really turns out to be success in the university--the first one that accepts this teaching method. In the university, there are not longer teachers supervise our studying so we learn to study by ourselves; there are many communities waiting for our participation where we can learn how to cooperate with each other, how to work out a plan and carry it out all by ourselves... University serves as the transition from school to society, and the successful experience can now be used on high schools, which is another big step in the way of socialization of children. （这段宏观上不错了。考场上争取发挥出这段的水平）

Last but not the least, as for me, the socialization of children would not be the only thing or even may not be the most crucial thing that determines the destiny of society. （和第一个body说得那么多内容虽然不矛盾。。。但是相比转折太生硬，如第二段的红字。）Natures such as honesty, passion, faithfulness and so forth should not be ignored. As far as I am concerned, these natures may appear to be the skeleton--which is the basic of the body, while the socialization is the fresh and blood, which plenish the body and assure its ongoing prosperous. Therefore, the association of the two contributes to the destiny of society.

To sum up, we should pay more attention on the teaching method used on educating children to be socialized, both on how to raise them to suit the society and develop the good nature that should possess.

楼主文章对于题目的回应仍然不够直接和明晰。对于题目的前半段，以及后半段都是采取了复合态度，但是转折太生硬。首段的红字部分在下文也没有得到照应。
感觉看完文章之后觉得思路混乱，没有太多的信息量，大量在陈述事实，没有说道why and how。
加油～考场好运～