argument2 thrive小组第一次作业

lsl711UID: 2378391

argument2

The following appeared in a letter sent by a committee of homeowners from the Deerhaven Acres to all homeowners in Deerhaven Acres.

"Seven years ago, homeowners in nearby Brookville community adopted a set of restrictions on how the community's yards should be landscaped and what colors the exteriors of homes should be painted. Since then, average property values have tripled in Brookville. In order to raise property values in Deerhaven Acres, we should adopt our own set of restrictions on landscaping and housepainting."

While the average property values in Brookville appears to have tripled based on restrictions which lead to changes of landscaping and housepainting there, one would also wish to consider other factors that might push the raising. Besides, it is hardly to be concluded from those facts presented, whether the strategy would be as effective in Deerhaven Acres as that in Brookville.

First of all, it is just the average property values in Brookville that have tripled since the restrictions carried into execution seven years ago. Common sense as it is, a tripled value does not equal to a practically increase on price, compared with that in Deerhaven Acre. It is entirely possible that the former property values in Brookville are merely one third of that in Deerhaven Acre, or even much less than. Then, even after the three times increase, the average values are still not so high as that in Deerhaven Acre. What is more, the evidence of the average property values augment resulted from a seven-year-old data, which might be influenced by other factors in the society, such as inflation. For some economical reasons, all the commodities’ prices inexorably climbed on in Brookville, the increase of which might be four or even more than four times. So, the author fails to persuade me into deeming that the average property values have had a real increase, just presenting the facts above.

Then, even assuming that the average property values do increase since the regulations have been adopted, it is still difficult to conclude that the values’ augment derived from the registrations on landscaping and housepainting. Other factors that may also render the increase are not listed; is this because the living environment ameliorates, by reducing the number of factories there, which used to produce plenty of industry exhaust gas? Or because the quality of public service, especially the department serving for the community, enhanced obviously? Without pointing out the details about all other factors that might affect the property values, the author cannot conquer me to accepting the conclusion.

Finally, the restrictions effective in Brookville can be completely futile when they come to Deerhaven Acre, on the basis of both the assumptions above. There are nearly no other facts provided to compare the differences between Brookville and Deerhaven Acre, without which, any deduction appears to be lack of sustainment. It is of great possibility that the community in Deerhaven Acre does not have a yard, let alone landscape one. Or those people living in Deerhaven Acre are not so obsessed with the painted exteriors as people in Brookville, even hate painting like Brookville. Based on these factors, after following the restrictions in Brookville, the property values might even lower, rather than triple. As a result, the author’s conclusion is groundless, without detailing more about both the tow regions compared together.

提纲：

1、翻了三番=价格真的高了？时间因素考虑进来~~即通货膨胀。

2、替代性解释：房屋升值有他因，

3、BrookvilleàDeerhaven? 反例

另外，开头尝试着模仿了范文，不知道合适与否~~~

eversleepingUID: 2438219

While the average property values in Brookville appears to have tripled based on [restrictions是地产价格翻三番的原因，base on（基于…）不太合适，用because of 即可]restrictions which lead to changes of landscaping and housepainting there[我想原文中强调的应该是房屋和院子外观的强制统一，所以直接用restrictions of landscaping and housepainting就可以了，这样句子结构也简练些], one would also wish to consider other factors that might push the raising.[这一句应该是想指出还应该考虑其他引起地产价格升高的原因，但是one指代什么？wish to指“主观希望做…”用在这里是不是不太合适？] Besides, it is hardly to be concluded from those facts presented, whether the strategy would be as effective in Deerhaven Acres as that in Brookville[我理解这句是想说：不能从所给的事实得出在B有效的措施同样也能在D有效。但是我没有见过这种表达方式。不知道是高级句型还是作者的疏忽~~~我的理解是，是不是想说：It is hard to be concluded from those facts presented whether the strategy would be as effective in D as it was in B.].

就我所理解，首段没有模仿北美范文的开头模式，而是想要：
            1. 概括说明原文的论证思路; 2. 同时指出原文中的逻辑漏洞。
我的感觉是：这种开头方式对作者各方面的要求都比较高——既要用简洁的语言准确地概括出原文的论证思路，又要能够精确地指出原文的逻辑错误。此外，由于开头起到统领全文的作用，故如果想要在开头给逻辑错误一个总体交待和总结，那么开头的结构必须清晰明了，而且能够一一对应到文章的每个段落，这样文章形成一个整体，会显得更有逻辑。
    这种开头模式固然有力，但是操作起来比较有难度，不易模仿。我想在本文中最大制约因素就是对语言的运用。如果不能很好地驾驭长句的写作，就容易使开头看起来没有重点，严重一点儿就会使人搞不清楚句子想说什么。所以我的建议是，在语言水平有限的情况下，还是以表意准确、逻辑清晰为第一要素，不要刻意写长句。写句子的时候考虑清楚“我想要让读者注意到哪一点，什么是我所要强调的”。

First of all, it is just the average property values in Brookville that have tripled since the restrictions carried into execution seven years ago.[强调average property values还是强调in Brookville?] Common sense as it is, a tripled value does not equal to a practically [应该用adj] increase on price, compared with that in Deerhaven Acre [和D比较什么？只需要前半句就表述清楚了。]. [It is entirely possible that the former property values in Brookville are merely one third of that in Deerhaven Acre, or even much less than [改成or even less就可以了]. Then, even after the three times increase, the average values are still not so high as that in Deerhaven Acre.原文是说想通过restrictions提高D的地产价格，比较B和D现在谁的地产价格高是不是和批驳原文没有太大关系？] What is more, the evidence of the average property values augment resulted from a seven-year-old data, which might be influenced by other factors in the society, such as inflation. For some economical reasons, all the commodities’ prices inexorably climbed on in Brookville, the increase of which might be four or even more than four times. So, the author fails to persuade me into deeming that the average property values have had a real increase, by just presenting the facts above.
建议再好好考虑一下这一段应该怎么写，批驳点是什么，理由是什么，反例是什么——段落内部也要有逻辑。因为关于经济学的一些原因本身就不太好阐述，加上average property values又是一个较为生疏的概念。
另外，再苛刻一点说，这段论述的内容在首段没有提出，是不是在首段提一下更好？
看了本段最后一句话和下一段第一句的让步，这一段是不是想置疑average property values是不是真的提高了？（这个批驳点也许值得商榷）
Then, even assuming that the average property values do increase since the regulations have been adopted, it is still difficult to conclude that the values’ augment derived from the registrations on landscaping and housepainting. Other factors that may also render the increase are not listed; is this because the living environment ameliorates, by reducing the number of factories there, which used to produce plenty of industry exhaust gas? Or because the quality of public service, especially the department serving for the community, is enhanced obviously? Without pointing out the details about all other factors that might affect the property values, the author cannot conquer me to accepting the conclusion. 这一段结构清晰，论证比较充分。

Finally, the restrictions effective[不知道effective能否做后置定语？] in Brookville can be completely futile when they come to Deerhaven Acre, on the basis of both the assumptions above [这个状语有些疑问：assumptions是不是上面两段中提到的？是不是想说假设作者的assumption正确？]. There are nearly [去掉即可] no other facts [前面用过很多次fact, 适当换成evidence等] provided to compare the differences between Brookville and Deerhaven Acre, without which, any deduction appears to be lack of sustainment. It is of great possibility that the community in Deerhaven Acre does not have a yard, let alone landscape one. Or those people living in Deerhaven Acre are not so obsessed with the painted exteriors as people in Brookville, even hate painting like Brookville. Based on these factors, after following the restrictions in Brookville, the property values might even lower, rather than triple. As a result, the author’s conclusion is groundless, without detailing more about both the tow regions compared together.

就全篇看来，开头概括的两个逻辑错误分别在第三、四段给出了较为充分的论证，并且三、四段段落内结构也很清晰。
但是我对第二段的逻辑错误——即average property values不一定真的翻了三番——持保留意见，因为攻击这一点似乎有攻击前提的嫌疑，当然并不是说前提一定不能攻击，只是最好重点攻击论证过程中出现的逻辑漏洞，比如从这一点为什么不能推出作者的结论。
抛开攻击点是否选择恰当不说，我想第二段内部的论证结构也有待商榷。

呵呵，意见就这么多，哪里说的不恰当再交流哈~~~^_^

[ 本帖最后由 eversleeping 于 2008-2-3 18:18 编辑 ]

z12y12l12UID: 2452277

写的好，拍的也好.