Issue141 [Jet小组}第二次作业 互拍 ! ALL WELCOME

xiahsoulUID: 2441730

ISSUE141 - "Most people recognize the benefits of individuality, but the fact is that personal economic success requires conformity."

提纲：
1. 一致 个人经济利益是在群体利益的基础上的 WTO
2. 打破传统观念  创新 风险精神  
2000年5月，美国哥伦比亚广播公司（CBS）Columbia Broadcasting System推出风靡世界的野外生存类真人秀节目《幸存者》但真人秀节目的兴起却是在20世纪70—80年代。美国的公共电视（PBS）在1973年首播一出叫《一个美国家庭》（An American Family）的纪录片，一户姓刘（Loud）的人家开放其家庭让摄制队拍摄7个月共300多小时的片段，最后剪接成12个小时的节目，吸引了数千万观众观看这一家人由儿子出生到婚姻破裂的整个过程。
3. 需要个人与合作的结合 合作是基础 合作是在胜利的法宝
WORD:402                               TIME:2008.2.2
注意咯，这篇文自己修改过了，请热心的好人看6楼，那是最新修改的:handshake
Conformists and iconoclasts spent centuries shouting at one another about the importance to the contemporary society and the prospect. Actually, in my view the two are coexist rather than one is obviously prevailing over one another for they are not mutually exclusive.


Individuality is a crucial aspect in the process of accomplishing personal economic success as presenting creativity and risk tolerance that would promote iconoclasts to grasp the potential trends. A classic example of individuality started with live TV show, from the An American Family conducted by PBS (Public Broadcasting System) to the Survival directed by CBS (Columbia Broadcasting System), which has brought great profits to the recreational company and a new era in the TV program history. This case illustrates the point that profits are always earned by the sensitive one, who can be incisive enough to observe the hidden appetite of the populace and then create the products which can well satisfy their needs. Hence, it must be the adventurous iconoclasts to gain personal economic success.

In another sense, enough emphasis should be placed on conformity. It is just like that there would be no one can get real safety in a catastrophe, also from a long term view no one can make fortune when the economic nearby is bogged down in darkness. For instance, we all know the World Traditional Organization in which all the participant country have the same goal--struggle for maximize profits, yet only when every country follow the restrictions and strive to maintain a free and fair surrounding, or never can any country get long term interests alone. Protecting environment is also the case. Once some countries, or even one, are free to release toxic air, foul the river, deforest the forests, none of the humanity beings can pursue the personal economic success.

Actually, individuality and conformity are both integrant elements for personal economic success. Like brain storm which requires team workers to put forward personal opinions and the make finally decision on the basis of conformity, is a popular and effective campaign used to make decision while both consider various choices and the overall standpoints. Without neither individuality nor conformity, the personal economic success would be hardly to access.

Simple put, only when people have the consciousness of individuality and conformity at the same time, and make pains to balance and take advantages of the two, or they can not achieve any true success.

欢迎拍拍                             :handshake                                       留链互拍      

[ 本帖最后由 xiahsoul 于 2008-2-4 17:39 编辑 ]

O--honeyUID: 2452493

Individuality is a crucial aspect in the process of accomplishing personal economic success as presenting creativity and risk tolerance that would promote iconoclasts to grasp the potential trends.（iconoclasts 在这里是什么意思啊？不好意思哦，这一句话我有点搞不懂耶~~） A classic example of individuality started with live TV show, from the An American Family conducted by PBS (Public Broadcasting System) to the Survival directed by CBS (Columbia Broadcasting System), which has brought great profits to the recreational company and a new era in the TV program history. This case illustrates the point that profits are always earned by the sensitive one, who can be incisive enough to observe the hidden appetite of the populace and then create the products which can well satisfy their needs. Hence, it must be the adventurous iconoclasts to gain personal economic success.(为什么不在这段的前面写一段总结性的开头呢？我觉得那样内容会更加充实一点哦~~~）

In another sense, enough emphasis should be placed on conformity. It is just like that there would be no one can get real safety in a catastrophe, also from a long term view no one can make fortune when the economic nearby is bogged down in darkness.（这句话和“enough emphasis should be placed on conformity" 有什么联系呢？感觉有点多余） For instance, we all know the World Traditional Organization in which all the participant country have the same goal--struggle for maximize profits, yet only when every country follow the restrictions and strive to maintain a free and fair surroundings, or never can any country get long term interests alone. Protecting environment is also the case. Once some countries, or even one, are free to release toxic air, foul the river, deforest the forests, none of the humanity beings can pursue the personal economic success.

Actually, individuality and conformity are both integrant elements for personal economic success. Like brain storm which requires team workers to put forward personal opinions and the make finally decision on the basis of conformity, is a popular and effective campaign used to make decision while both considering various choices and the overall standpoints. Without neither individuality nor conformity, the personal economic success would be hardly to access.

Simple put, only when people have the consciousness of individuality and conformity at the same time, and make pains to balance and take advantages of the two, or they can not achieve any true success.



1.我觉得这篇文章的文采很棒啊，虽然思路很清晰，但是举出的例子和论据感觉有点脱节了，像后两段有点重复、讲空话的感觉
2.文采固然很重要，但是思路也是不可缺少的呀~~~:loveliness:

xiahsoulUID: 2441730

Thank you  O-honey!:loveliness:

不过 我写了第一段的 你看掉了 在前面
收获不少 看了你的知道了思路&逻辑的力量啊
会注意的

xiahsoulUID: 2441730

ISSUE141 - "Most people recognize the benefits of individuality, but the fact is that personal economic success requires conformity."

自己修改（First revise）       word:384

Conformists and iconoclasts spent centuries shouting at one another about the self importance to the contemporary society and the prospect. Actually, in my view the two are coexist rather than one is obviously prevailing over one another for they are not mutually exclusive.

Individuality is a crucial aspect in the process of accomplishing personal economic success as presenting creativity and risk tolerance that would promote iconoclasts to grasp the potential trends. People who equipped with individuality would be rich in adventure spirit, and are inclined to make breakthroughs and promote the society progress. A classic example of individuality is the creation of walkman. The founder of Sony stickled on producing walkman in the belief that people can enjoy music anywhere, and it has been prove that through the invention of walkman Sony made tremendous achievement of product development, brought out unlimited business opportunities, what's more, created a new personal recreational market. This case illustrates the point that profits are always earned by iconoclasts who can be incisive enough to observe the hidden appetite of the populace, tolerate the high risk and then create the products which can well satisfy their needs. Hence, it is obvious that personal economic success calls for individuality.

In another sense, enough emphasis should be placed on conformity. If people overestimate the importance of individuality and underestimate the foundation of conformity, neither can they pursue the goal, nor personal economic success. Just like a retail who insist on individuality tries to sell a refrigerator to Eskimos common sense indicate a opposite direction, it would most likely to be a failure. Conformity requires people to act in accordance with some specific standard and social custom. If the retail conforms to social custom and common sense, he would know there can't be a market in which a need of refrigerator exists in Eskimo. Thus, we can conclude without conformity, there is a good chance that people may form gratuitous contention and behavior groundlessly.

Simple put, individuality and conformity are both integrant elements for personal economic success. Without neither individuality nor conformity, the personal economic success would be hardly to access, only when people have the consciousness of individuality and conformity at the same time, and make pains to balance and take advantages of the two, true personal economic success can come true.

自评：
没修改前，只是去重语言与句子，逻辑很乱，Illustration 没有充分展开，例子没有说服力，显得空洞。
发现自己欠缺的是例子的选取，并且要注意Definition & Spelling.




[ 本帖最后由 xiahsoul 于 2008-2-3 13:36 编辑 ]

kylinUID: 2242436

ISSUE141 - "Most people recognize the benefits of individuality, but the fact is that personal economic success requires conformity."

自己修改（First revise）       word:384

Conformists and iconoclasts spent centuries shouting at one another about the self importance to the contemporary society and the prospect. Actually, in my view the two are coexist（ed形容词形式才对） rather than one is obviously prevailing over one another for they are not mutually exclusive. 个人对题目的观点呢 不太明确 另外，icon－那个词是打破旧习者的意思 虽然与conformity能互相对应 但是在题目中 与conformity相对应的是individuality，而indi－和icon－两词是不一样的 嗯 简单来说。。就是楼主把indi－的概念擅自换掉了～

Individuality is a crucial aspect in the process of accomplishing personal economic success as presenting creativity and risk tolerance that would promote iconoclasts to grasp the potential trends. People who equipped with individuality would be rich in adventure spirit, and are inclined to make breakthroughs and promote the society progress. A classic example of individuality is the creation of walkman. The founder of Sony stickled on producing walkman in the belief that people can enjoy music anywhere, and it has been prove（d） that through the invention of walkman（，） Sony made tremendous achievement of product development, brought out unlimited business opportunities, what's more, created a new personal recreational market. This case illustrates the point that profits are always earned by iconoclasts（基于这词是打破旧习者的意思，sony在例子里有打破什么旧习么？它只是创新而已八 建议楼主换掉这个词） who can be incisive enough to observe the hidden appetite of the populace, tolerate the high risk and then create the products which can well satisfy their（指代谁 不太清楚。。） needs. Hence, it is obvious that personal economic success calls for individuality.

In another sense, enough emphasis should be placed on conformity. If people overestimate the importance of individuality and underestimate the foundation of conformity, neither can they pursue the goal, nor personal economic success. Just like a retail who insist（s） on individuality tries to sell a refrigerator to Eskimos（少了标点符号八？） common sense indicate（s） a（n） opposite direction, it would most likely to be a failure. Conformity requires people to act in accordance with some specific standard and social custom. If the retail conforms to social custom and common sense, he would know there can't be a market in which a need of refrigerator exists in Eskimo. Thus, we can conclude without conformity, there is a good chance that people may form gratuitous contention and behavior groundlessly.

Simple（Simply） put, individuality and conformity are both integrant elements for personal economic success. Without neither individuality nor conformity, the personal economic success would be hardly to access, only when people have the consciousness of individuality and conformity at the same time, and make pains to balance and take advantages of the two, true personal economic success can come true.

看得出楼主很用心啊 呵呵 思路上建议再多多看看范文 论证有点小纠结啊 感觉很跳跃 其他的错误都在文中指出拉 另外 字数方面可以再增强些～～呵呵 拍太重的话请原谅 个人想法而已 楼主不用太介意。。总之 大家都加油八～～^_^

xiahsoulUID: 2441730

ISSUE141 - "Most people recognize the benefits of individuality, but the fact is that personal economic success requires conformity."

自己修改（Second revise）       word:543
Conformists and non-conformists spent centuries shouting at one another about the self importance and the shortages of opposite side to the contemporary society and the prospect. Actually, in my view the two coexists rather than one is obviously prevailing over one another for they are not mutually exclusive. Only when they reach a balanced level can us human beings accomplish personal economic success.

Individuality is a crucial aspect in the process of accomplishing personal economic success. Given that people who equipped herself/himself with individuality would be more likely rich in innovative ability and  adventure spirit as well, through presenting creativity and risk tolerance non-conformists, or even iconoclasts, are more inclined to make breakthroughs and promote the society progress. The cause is simple to explain: besides the non-conformists can better grasp the potential trends under the help of adequate insightful, incisive viewpoints brought by creativity, the more crucial reason is they are brave enough to adhere to their original contentions, tolerate the high risk and then create the products which can well satisfy the customer following's needs whatever the pressure they will confront. While Sony enjoys its reputation and tremendous profits worldwide, its producing idea is also a classic example widely spread and frequently cited to prove the power of individuality. Observed the hidden appetite of the populace and in the belief that people can enjoy music anywhere, the walkman idea formed in the founder of Sony and he stickled on this belief whereas the survey before producing showed small market for walkman, one of Sony's great achievements--the creation of walkman, finally born. Truth is that it has been proved through the invention of walkman, Sony made tremendous achievement of product development, brought out unlimited business opportunities, what's more, created a new personal recreational market.

In another sense, enough emphasis should be placed on conformity. Conformist requires people to act in accordance with some specific standard and social custom. If people overestimate the importance of individuality and neglect the founction of conformity, neither can they pursue the goal, nor personal economic success. For instance,  consider a retail who insists on individuality tries to sell a refrigerator to Eskimos while common sense indicates an opposite direction; and check another case, in which a shoe company discovers people a Arab tribe neither wear shoes nor have any shoes, and thinks he can occupies the whole market without any efforts, for no competitors there. It is obvious that both the retail and the shoe company will fail at last. Only if the retail conforms to common sense and the shoe company conforms to social custom, they would know there can't be a market in which a need of refrigerator exists in freezing Eskimo or a need for shoes for the old tradition. Thus, from the foregoing two cases, we can conclude without conformity, there is a good chance that people may form gratuitous contention and behavior groundlessly.

Simply put, individuality and conformity are both integrant elements for personal economic success. Without neither individuality nor conformity, the personal economic success would be hardly to access, only when people have the consciousness of individuality and conformity at the same time, and make pains to balance and take advantages of the two, true personal economic success can come true.

自评：此次Revise 发现自己还是论证严密、例子是否充分支持TS、Coherence的问题
          每次修改的幅度都好大，相当于从新写了一篇一样  痛苦:funk:
          不知道有没有人可以帮忙想想怎么解决这个问题     GOD

[ 本帖最后由 xiahsoul 于 2008-2-4 04:20 编辑 ]

hao3361UID: 2405848

Conformists and non-conformists spent centuries shouting at one another about the self importance and the shortages of opposite side to the contemporary society and the prospect. (这样的开头较新颖但是给我感觉有点突兀，因为没有点题，据说ETS是比较喜欢标准格式的）Actually, in my view the two coexists rather than one is obviously prevailing over one another for they are not mutually exclusive. Only when they reach a balanced level can us human beings accomplish personal economic success.（最后一句话能否将only后置，感觉读起来更流畅一些）

Individuality is a crucial aspect in the process of accomplishing personal economic success. Given that people who equipped herself/himself with individuality would be more likely rich in innovative ability and  adventure spirit as well, through presenting creativity and risk tolerance non-conformists, or even iconoclasts, are more inclined to make breakthroughs and promote the society progress. (学习一下你写的长句）The cause is simple to explain: besides the non-conformists can better grasp the potential trends under the help of adequate insightful, incisive viewpoints brought by creativity, the more crucial reason is they are brave enough to adhere to their original contentions, tolerate the high risk and then create the products which can well satisfy the customer following's needs whatever the pressure they will confront. While Sony enjoys its reputation and tremendous profits worldwide, its producing idea is also a classic example widely spread and frequently cited to prove the power of individuality. Observed the hidden appetite of the populace and in the belief that people can enjoy music anywhere, the walkman idea formed in the founder of Sony and he stickled on this belief whereas the survey before producing showed small market for walkman, one of Sony's great （greatest?)achievements--the creation of walkman, finally born.(was born?)（是不是该用 Truth is that it has been proved through the invention of walkman, Sony made tremendous achievement of product development, brought out unlimited business opportunities, what's more, created a new personal recreational market.

In another sense, enough emphasis should be placed on conformity. Conformist requires people to act in accordance with some specific standard and social custom. If people overestimate the importance of individuality and neglect the founction of conformity, neither can they pursue the goal, nor personal economic success. For instance,  consider a retail who insists on individuality tries to sell a refrigerator to Eskimos while common sense indicates an opposite direction; (可爱的例子，学习了~~）and check another case, in which a shoe company discovers people a Arab tribe neither wear shoes nor have any shoes, and thinks he can occupies the whole market without any efforts, for no competitors there. It is obvious that both the retail and the shoe company will fail at last. Only if the retail conforms to common sense and the shoe company conforms to social custom, they would know there can't be a market in which a need of refrigerator exists in freezing Eskimo or a need for shoes for the old tradition. Thus, from the foregoing two cases, we can conclude without conformity, there is a good chance that people may form gratuitous contention and behavior groundlessly.

Simply put, individuality and conformity are both integrant elements for personal economic success. Without neither individuality nor conformity,（whiout 后面可以连用neither。。。nor。。。么 ，我感觉双重否定了，还是我语法搞错了？）the personal economic success would be hardly to access, only when people have the consciousness of individuality and conformity at the same time, and make pains to balance and take advantages of the two, true personal economic success can come true.

总体感觉楼上的mm写得很好啊，特别是文笔表达比较成熟。如果能在规定的时间内写完，应该是不低的分数。我个人感觉先写一段个体，再写一段集体，最后写一段两者之间关系这种传统结构比较合适。

zephyrqqUID: 2260290

only when people have the consciousness of individuality and conformity at the same time, and make pains to balance and take advantages of the two, true personal economic success can come true.

前面有only加时间状语，后面似乎要部分倒装can true personal economic success  come true.

zephyrqqUID: 2260290

ISSUE141 - "Most people recognize the benefits of individuality, but the fact is that personal economic success requires conformity."

自己修改（Second revise）       word:543
Conformists and non-conformists spent centuries shouting at one another about the self importance and the shortages of opposite side to the contemporary society and the prospect. Actually, in my view the two coexists rather than one is obviously prevailing over one another for they are not mutually exclusive. Only when they reach a balanced level can us human beings accomplish personal economic success.

Individuality is a crucial aspect in the process of accomplishing personal economic success. Given that people who equipped herself/himself with individuality would be more likely rich in innovative ability and  adventure spirit as well, through presenting creativity and risk tolerance non-conformists, or even iconoclasts, are more inclined to make breakthroughs and promote the society progress. The cause is simple to explain: besides the non-conformists can better grasp the potential trends under the help of adequate insightful, incisive viewpoints brought by creativity, the more crucial reason is they are brave enough to adhere to their original contentions, tolerate the high risk and then create the products which can well satisfy the customer following's needs whatever the pressure they will confront. While Sony enjoys its reputation and tremendous profits worldwide, its producing idea is also a classic example widely spread and frequently cited to prove the power of individuality. Observed the hidden appetite of the populace and in the belief that people can enjoy music anywhere, the walkman idea formed in the founder of Sony and he stickled on this belief whereas the survey before producing showed small market for walkman, one of Sony's great achievements--the creation of walkman, finally born. Truth is that it has been proved through the invention of walkman, Sony made tremendous achievement of product development, brought out unlimited business opportunities, what's more, created a new personal recreational market.

In another sense, enough emphasis should also be placed on conformity. Conformist requires people to act in accordance with some specific standard and social custom. If people overestimate the importance of individuality and neglect the founction of conformity, neither can they pursue the goal, nor personal economic success. For instance,  consider a retail who insists on individuality tries to sell a refrigerator to Eskimos, while common sense indicates an opposite direction有点模糊，不妨写清楚 tells us that Eskimos, who live in regoins where  is extremely cold, do not need a refrigeration system at all.; and check another case, in which a shoe company discovers people in a Arab tribe neither wear shoes nor have any shoes, and thinks he it can occupies occupy the whole market without any efforts to compete with other competitors for no competitors there. It is obvious that both the retail and the shoe company will fail at last. Only if the retail conforms to common sense and the shoe company conforms to local social custom, they would know there can't be a market in which a need of refrigerator exists in freezing Eskimo or a need for shoes for the old tradition. Thus, from the foregoing two cases, we can conclude without conformity, there is a good chance that people may form gratuitous contention and behavior groundlessly.

Simply put, individuality and conformity are both integrant elements for personal economic success. Without neither individuality nor conformity改成这样好不好 Without anyone of them, the personal economic success would be hardly to access, only when people have the consciousness of individuality and conformity at the same time, and make pains to ？balance and take advantages of the two, can true personal economic success come true.

例证用得好，分析也有一定深度，语言更不用说了，加油，有前途啊~~