Issue243 my 1st work,thank you guys for giving me suggestions

Clare106UID: 2102889

TOPIC243. "The true value of a civilization is reflected in its artistic creations rather than in its scientific accomplishments."

The issue asserts that the value of civilization comes a lot from artistic creations. Actually, there are might be more people who have different backgrounds and occupations will disagree with this assertion. In my observation, the true value of civilization will not be reflected in artistic creation more than in scientific accomplishments.

Of course, art is a good and important aspect to prove the value of civilization. When we are studying the history of a country, art history can vividly give us some direct images to let us understand how intellective the people were in this period and in this country for creating these masterpieces. Artistic creation usually is a better portrayal of a country, a period, or district's character. For instance, the architects in China are really different from Europe in 200 years ago. You can find the Gothic church everywhere in west Europe, because that was a good phrase for Christian faith on Middle Ages. If you pay more attention on these gothic churches, you will find all the ornaments on them were contained some religion means. So when you study these artistic creations, you can find some relative knowledge to other spheres. And they are vivid proofs of the district's civilization.

However, what is the definition of civilization? Generally, civilization equal to the high level of mankind development in both material and spirit scales. All the subjects, such as: art, science, literature, music, philosophy, etc., which were created by human-beings, testify the level of civilization. Literature portrayed the human life and emotions ever been in the writer's period and country. When we are talking about the civilization of ancient Greece, how can we skip Iliod and Odysey? Music just like a poem for ears, expressed the passion and personality of a nation. Philosophy even could give us a base to understand a country's political affairs in the past. Science, surely mention us the great development in the objective world. Without the invention of steam engine and electricity, human could not jump to the Modern Times---the period which science and technology are having more and more closer relationship with human civilization than ever before. Mass media, internet, entertainment industry, installation art and almost each kind of modern culture are related to science and technology progress. Otherwise, they will not exist.

Moreover, art and science, even more spheres, have an inseparable connection. The development of art actually has some scientific factor. Without scientists' research and invention, artist could not achieve the perfect result or effect that can make them success. Before 15th century, fresco and tempera are the main forms of European painting. But in early 15th century, after Jan Van Eyck changed the pigment’s elements and then created oil painting, this new art form has influenced western art history greatly. Because the oil painting pigment is easily remain and their colors are more expressive. The technology development led to the improvement of art material. The improvement of material led to the abundance of expressional method. And the abundance of expressional method led to art thriving. So after the accomplishment of oil painting, Renaissance, one of the greatest times in art history for the creation of Birth of Venus, Mona Lisa and The school of Athens, etc., was coming. Further, in 19th century, the development of optics research and invention of collapsible tin tubes meant artists could work outdoors directly from nature. Then, Impressionism was founded. Art forms and ideas developed again with the help of scientific advance.

In a word, art creations can represent greatly the value of civilization, so does scientific accomplishments. All the great creation of art and science, and other spectrums, are valuable treasures because they accumulated with the wisdom, inspiration, passion, and effort of human beings. Sometimes, they influenced each other and created more and more new works. Hence, all fields constitute one entirety which can be a consummate record of human civilization.

说明：初来习作，全文650字，观点例子皆为自家所言，概多有不周。红色句子乃自觉得有待改进之处，但尚未想好如何改之。各位不吝赐教，谢之！:handshake

Clare106UID: 2102889

个人觉得开头不够精彩……

Clare106UID: 2102889

大家不要光看不说，这样不太好地……

Clare106UID: 2102889

学艺术的人写的艺术类文章没人理……太失败了！

edgarluUID: 203648

Originally posted by Clare106 at 2005-7-13 15:24
学艺术的人写的艺术类文章没人理……太失败了！

不用着急，你才贴了两多小时，耐心等一等吧
这儿的人大部分时间都在啃嗤啃嗤的写作文和列提纲呢
先占个位子，晚上回来替你改
等人改的时候建议先改改别的作文消遣消遣

edgarluUID: 203648

The issue asserts that the value of civilization comes a lot from artistic creations. Actually, there are might be more people who have different backgrounds and occupations will disagree with this assertion. [Actually, there might be a lot people who have different backgrounds and oaccupations other than artistic ones disagreeing with this assertion] In my observation, the true value of civilization will not be reflected in artistic creation more than in scientific accomplishments.

Of course, art is a good and important aspect to prove the value of civilization. When we are studying the history of a country, art history can vividly give us some direct images to let us understand how intellective [intellectual] the people were in this period and in this country for creating these masterpieces. Artistic creation usually is a better portrayal of a country, a period, or district's character[Artistic creation usually shows us a better portait of a specific region of a specific country in a specific era]. For instance, the architects[这里本来是不是想写architecture?] in China are really different from [those in] Europe in[no in] 200 years ago. You can find the Gothic church everywhere in west Europe, because that was a good phrase for Christian faith on Middle Ages[in the Middle Ages]. If you pay more attention on these gothic churches, you will find all the ornaments on them were contained some religion means. So when you study these artistic creations, you can find some relative knowledge to other spheres. And they are vivid proofs of the district's civilization. [Through observations on these artisti creations, you could gain more knowledge about the surrounding area at that time, which is exactly the reflection of the related civilization.]
[这一段表述不尽如人意。一、没有能够成功论证art can prove value of civilization，哥特式教堂的例子不足以说明这一点，教堂ornaments能反映地充其量是考古学和神学知识，这些知识和value of civilization没能挂上钩。二、举例第一句话出来一个中国，后面只字未提中国，颇为突兀，批卷子的可是美国人而且未必知道你的国籍背景(当然猜出来的不算)。三、哥特式教堂据我所知是中世纪末期的建筑，大多在15世纪之前建造。200 years ago不知所指为何]

However, what is the definition of civilization? Generally, civilization equal to the high level of mankind development in both material and spirit scales. [Civilization refers to a high level of human development in both material and spiritual fields.] All the subjects, such as: art, science, literature, music, philosophy, etc., which were created by human-beings, testify the level of civilization. Literature portrayed the human life and emotions ever been in the writer's period and country. When we are talking about the civilization of ancient Greece, how can we skip Iliod and Odysey? Music just like a poem for ears, expressed the passion and personality of a nation. Philosophy even could give us a base to understand a country's political affairs in the past. [突然杀出个science来让人大跌眼镜，最好加个转折或是并列连接词，否则和literature, music, philosophy有乱了辈份之嫌]Science, surely mention us the great development in the objective world. Without the invention of steam engine and electricity[electricity不是invent的], human could not jump to the Modern Times---the period which science and technology are having more and more closer relationship with human civilization than ever before. Mass media, internet, entertainment industry, installation art and almost each kind of modern culture are related to science and technology progress. Otherwise, they will not exist.[绝对了吧！是internet的不好也别灭九族啊]
[这一段的top sentense不明，是为了说明the definition of civilization还是为了说明science对civilization的决定性超过art？从文章结构上来讲此处转折应该是后者，但从篇幅上来看却又偏重前者。可能是一写到艺术就滔滔不绝不忘本，结果就…… ok，我能理解]

Moreover, art and science, even more spheres, have an inseparable connection. The development of art actually has some scientific factor. Without scientists' research and invention, artist could not achieve the perfect result or effect that can make them success. Before 15th century, fresco and tempera are the main forms of European painting. But in early 15th century, after Jan Van Eyck changed the pigment’s elements and then created oil painting, this new art form has influenced western art history greatly. [Because和上面是一句最好不要断开]Because the oil painting pigment is easily remain and their colors are more expressive. The technology development led to the improvement of art material. The improvement of material led to the abundance of expressional method. And the abundance of expressional method led to art thriving. So after the accomplishment of oil painting, Renaissance, one of the greatest times in art history for the creation of Birth of Venus, Mona Lisa and The school of Athens, etc., was coming. Further, in 19th century, the development of optics research and invention of collapsible tin tubes meant artists could work outdoors directly from nature. Then, Impressionism was founded. Art forms and ideas developed again with the help of scientific advance. [艺术与科技类素材多多，值得借鉴。不过个人感觉根据艺术科技的不可分论证说艺术不比科技能反映文明价值，并不具有很强的说服力。就想说两个双胞胎长得挺像性格也类似就说他们考出来成绩肯定差不多一样，论证不可分性的时候最好还是得带上civilization。]

In a word, art creations can represent greatly the value of civilization, so does scientific accomplishments. All the great creation of art and science, and other spectrums, are valuable treasures because they accumulated with the wisdom, inspiration, passion, and effort of human beings. Sometimes, they influenced each other and created more and more new works. Hence, all fields constitute one entirety which can be a consummate record of human civilization.[最后一句的意思没看懂]

打红字的为小语法错误或使用词错误处
就不总结了，改得够详细了

[ Last edited by edgarlu on 2005-7-13 at 17:53 ]

Clare106UID: 2102889

这位兄台，先谢过！

Clare106UID: 2102889

我看过你的文章很是佩服，谢谢你详细的点评。

哥特式教堂在艺术史上并不仅是一个时间概念，其实15，16世纪还有大量的优秀的哥特式建筑出现，以及后来还出现了international gothic，哥特式建筑更多的是一个风格代名词。200年前只是一个大概地说法，因为两百年之前所有的时间里东方的建筑和西方的建筑是截然不同的，截然不同的艺术风格体现了不同的文化环境和人文特色……不过这好像的确证明不了value of civilization...
  
第二段论证旨在说明文明的概念不只是靠艺术建构起来的，使所有的门类综合起来形成的，每一部分都很重要。不过好像表述得不清楚……

第三段论证想说虽然艺术作品很好的体现的文明的价值，但是并不只是艺术本身的作用，艺术如果离开了科学，有很多技法上的东西就达不到，也就不可能使艺术本身的表现语言丰富，自然也就局限了艺术的发展。不过的确也不够明晰的说明谁比谁强……晕了

最后一句的意思是所有的学科结合成一个整体才形成对人类文明完满的纪录。（潜意思：不可以说任何一方比另一方重要)

突然觉得自己有点侏罗纪了……29号就考晕死了！写文章写着写着就撒缰了，edgarlu给点意见吧！文科生的逻辑特别是艺术生的逻辑的确不严密啊……

edgarluUID: 203648

Originally posted by Clare106 at 2005-7-14 01:17
我看过你的文章很是佩服，谢谢你详细的点评。

哥特式教堂在艺术史上并不仅是一个时间概念，其实15，16世纪还有大量的优秀的哥特式建筑出现，以及后来还出现了international gothic，哥特式建筑更多的是一个风格 ...

首先报个歉，我拍别人时往往太过专注，不太注意照顾别人的感受，希望没有打击到你的自信
写文章容易撒缰是普遍现象，尤其是在某一段落里不能句句紧扣主题，这是由于外文表达的局限造成的。其实也很简单，就是始终盯紧top sentense就行了，我个人的经验是：宁说蠢话，不说错话
时间是个问题，我是8.3比你晚还是觉得时间不够用
我觉得最实际的补救方案有以下三点，排名按应急程度递增：
1、把所有题目都抓紧时间过一遍，列出提纲，前提是日夜赶工
2、尽可能地多的在这里多发文章，多改文章，前提如上
3、向考试中心申请考试时间延后