argument52 #coffee 小组看过来

黄川UID: 2168599

提纲：
1 没有提供足够的信息证明大部分有天分的建筑师都是从小就离开学校
2 report 值得置疑
3学徒计划的可行性要考虑到
         The memo claimed that Baobob Inc should start an aggressive apprenticeship program and employ students out of high school. To support the assumption, the interview of Architecture Today AT and the report of several colleges were cited. However, after careful and close scrutiny, the argument is rather ludicrous.

             In the first place, the arguer provides no evidence to support the assumption that most well-known architects worked as apprentice at an early age. First, whether the interview of AT was reliable or not remains a question. In order to make it more convincing, one must consider that how the interview was processed. If the interviewees were limited to a certain group of people rather than random sampling, the result was dubious. Second, the situation of architects interviewed by AT may not represent the entire people. As we all know, the retired architects entered into the field many years ago. Times differents, thing changes. Maybe the people are more willing to pursue a higher degree rather than going to work as apprentice today. Or maybe the architects were the extreme case in the field. Actually most successful architects possessed bachelor degree or even doctor degree and came into the field after graduation. In short, without considering the two possible consideration, the arguer cannot convicingly lead to the conclusion.

             Moreover, the report of the colleges that many promising architecture students left school early accounts for nothing. On one hand, the architecture students left school maybe no longer intersted in architecture. Due to the fact that it wolud require year after year hard work and persevance can one become a successful architect, they are unwilling to choose a career in the field of architecture, let alone about work as apprentice. On the other hand, the students who choosed to stay in the school may become prominent architects later in life. As we all know, the education of colleges provides a systematic training to students.  With the training, maybe the students more probably ease to commit to success. without taking further consideration, the arguer couldnot cite the report as lear evidence.

           In addition, the arguer fails to consider feasibility of the assumption that Baobob should start an aggressive apprenticeship program. Since implementing such progarm requires a lot of money and the involvement of experienced faculty. The arguer needs to provide the finance of Baobob and the quality of faculty. It is entirely possible that the finance is not enough to support such program. Or the faculy virtually could bring nothing to apprentices. Any of two cases, if true, will serve to undermine the feasibility of the assumption.

           In sum, the argument is neither persuasive nor well-presented. To support the arguer should collect more information of the interview of AT and the report. Also the feasibility of the assumption should be considered.:L:L:L:L:L

[ Last edited by 11yaoyao on 2005-12-22 at 22:53 ]

Cappuccino☆UID: 2155660

先占个坐~~一会儿就把改好的发上来

Cappuccino☆UID: 2155660

The memo claimed that Baobob Inc should start an aggressive apprenticeship program and employ students out of high school. To support the assumption, the interview of Architecture Today AT and the report of several colleges were cited. However, after careful and close scrutiny, the argument is rather ludicrous. (开头是不是太简单了,有点向issue)

In the first place, the arguer provides no evidence to support the assumption that most well-known architects worked as apprentice at an early age. First, whether the interview of AT was reliable or not remains a question.(这句是分论点的主题句吗?感觉没有与后面的论证构成紧密的逻辑联系) In order to make it more convincing, one must consider that how the interview was processed.(感觉这句有点表诉不清,it带指的是什么?) If the interviewees were limited to a certain group of people rather than random sampling, the result was dubious. Second, the situation of architects interviewed by AT may not represent the entire people.(这句话的表达方式要再斟酌一下,觉得有点像从中文硬翻译过来的) As we all know, the retired architects entered into the field many years ago. Times differents, thing changes. Maybe the people are more willing to pursue a higher degree rather than going to work as apprentice today. Or maybe the architects were the extreme case in the field. Actually most successful architects possessed bachelor degree or even doctor degree and came into the field after graduation.(赞!!这几句的论述不错~~) In short, without considering the two possible consideration, the arguer cannot convicingly lead to the conclusion.

Moreover, the report of the colleges that many promising architecture students left school early accounts for nothing. On one hand, the architecture students left school maybe no longer intersted in architecture. Due to the fact that it wolud require year after year('s) hard work and persevance can one(???语法上好像有错误) become a successful architect, they are unwilling to choose a career in the field of architecture, let alone about work as apprentice. On the other hand, the students who choosed to stay in the school may become prominent architects later in life. As we all know, the education of colleges provides a systematic training to students.  With the training, maybe the students more probably ease to commit to success. without taking further consideration, the arguer couldnot cite the report as lear evidence.

In addition, the arguer fails to consider feasibility of the assumption that Baobob should start an aggressive apprenticeship program. Since implementing such progarm requires a lot of money and the involvement of experienced faculty. The arguer needs to provide the finance of Baobob and the quality of faculty. It is entirely possible that the finance is not enough to support such program. Or the faculy virtually could bring nothing to apprentices. Any of two cases, if true, will serve to undermine the feasibility of the assumption.

In sum, the argument is neither persuasive nor well-presented. To support the arguer should collect more information of the interview of AT and the report. Also the feasibility of the assumption should be considered


呵呵~~你的作文怎么总是越写越少啊?最后2段太简单了~~~是不是限时了?
我自己都不怎么会写argument,因此也改不出什么东东来,只能简单的从论证和结构上看说几句~~

拜托牛牛们来看啊！！！！！

黄川UID: 2168599

谢谢了。不是啦。改加写足足有两个小时。汗的说。

Cappuccino☆UID: 2155660

呵呵~~那就应该好好注意一下文章结构的安排了,写提纲的时候就要注意论点的分类,不要在第一段把想说的都说完了,后面就没什么写的啦^_^

calsunnyUID: 2163431

就你写了agument52,好好学学！

冰河谷UID: 2159927

粗略看了一下，觉得这个写的比issue好
起码理直气壮的样子，语法什么的也要好很多
加油加油！

hunsonUID: 2147580

The memo claimed that Baobob Inc should start an aggressive apprenticeship program and employ students out of high school. To support the assumption, the interview of Architecture Today AT （AT） and the report of several colleges were cited. However, after careful and close scrutiny, the argument is rather ludicrous.
[In this argument (memo, advertisement, etc.), the author concludes/recommends/advocates that… To support his conclusion/recommendation, he cites that survey A, points out the fact B and claims the fact C. This argument suffers from several critical logic flaws.开头段这样写，也许更有力]
             In the first place, the arguer provides no evidence to support the assumption that most well-known architects worked as apprentice at an early age. First, whether the interview of AT was reliable or not remains a question. In order to make it more convincing, one must consider that how the interview was processed. If the interviewees were limited to a certain group of people rather than random sampling, the result was dubious.[hits 1:Insufficient sample ]Second, the situation of architects interviewed by AT may not represent the entire people. As we all know, the retired architects entered into the field many years ago. Times differents, thing changes. Maybe the people are more willing to pursue a higher degree rather than going to work as apprentice today. [hits 2:Post hoc:the mere choronnological relationship is only one of the indicators of a causal relationship between A and B]Or maybe the architects were the extreme case in the field. Actually most successful architects possessed bachelor degree or even doctor degree and came into the field after graduation. In short, without considering the two possible consideration, the arguer cannot convicingly lead to the conclusion.

             Moreover, the report of the colleges that many promising architecture students left school early accounts for nothing. On one hand, the architecture students left school maybe no longer intersted in architecture. Due to the fact that it wolud require year after year hard work and persevance can one become a successful architect, they are unwilling to choose a career in the field of architecture, let alone about work as apprentice. On the other hand, the students who choosed to stay in the school may become prominent architects later in life. As we all know, the education of colleges provides a systematic training to students.  With the training, maybe the students more probably ease to commit to success. without taking further consideration, the arguer couldnot cite the report as lear evidence. [hits 3: all things are equal:no evidence to support the conditions will remain same at different time or location]

           In addition, the arguer fails to consider feasibility of the assumption that Baobob should start an aggressive apprenticeship program. Since implementing such progarm requires a lot of money and the involvement of experienced faculty. The arguer needs to provide the finance of Baobob and the quality of faculty. It is entirely possible that the finance is not enough to support such program. Or the faculy virtually could bring nothing to apprentices. Any of two cases, if true, will serve to undermine the feasibility of the assumption.[hits 4:appeal to ignorance:lack of proof is not proof]

           In sum, the argument is neither persuasive nor well-presented. To support the arguer should collect more information of the interview of AT and the report. Also the feasibility of the assumption should be considered

我跑我飞UID: 2538440

我觉得第三条错误从 “有兴趣” 不等于 “有天分”的角度入手更有力度