argument153 【智恩】交得太晚了

智恩UID: 2160717

【题目】
"Ever since the 1950's, when television sets began to appear in the average home, the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in the country of Alta has steadily increased. This increase in teenage crime parallels the increase in violence shown on television. According to several national studies, even very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. Furthermore, in a survey conducted by the Observer, over 90 percent of the respondents were parents who indicated that prime-time television-programs that are shown between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.-should show less violence. Therefore, in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta, television viewers should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time."

【正文】

This argument simply proposes that it is necessary to reduce the amount of violence television programs in order to reduce the teenager crime. To substantiate this claim the author quoted many national studies and a survey. Although this argument is well-presented, it is deficient in logic and not cogent.

A threshold problem in this argument is that the author confuses two conceptions which are violent behavior and crime. From the studies the author points out very young children who watch many television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch such shows. However violent conducts do not equals to crime. The definition of crime is that an action violates the law and some punishments are upon conviction. Obviously simply violent behavior does not parallel crime.

In addition, the survey the author cites as a piece of evidence is open to doubt. First, the author fails to inform us that how many people take part in this survey and whether the survey is randomization. If the sample is not sufficient in size and before the investigation the respondents are not randomly assigned to one or other groups, we have good reason to doubt the representative of this survey. Because maybe the respondents are parents whose children have committed crimes. If this is the case, the response of these parents is tendentious.

Even if the survey is credible and of validity, based on unfounded assumption that all teenagers tend to watch television during prime time, the author recommends that it is necessary to reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time in order to lower the teenager crime rate. In fact no evidence is offered to illustrate that teenagers would watch television during prime time. If so, the reduction of violent television during prime time could not guarantee the decline of teenager crime proportion. Even though teenagers are more inclined to watch television during prime time, there is no information to demonstrate that they would certainly choose to watch violent shows. If the teenagers like watching violent scenes, the reduction of such scenes during prime time is not sufficient enough to lower the teenager crime rate. Perhaps as long as the television broadcasts violent scenes, teenagers would watch television. Without considering and eliminating these possibilities, the author’s claim to reduce the violent scenes in television during prime time is unconvincing.

In conclusion, the author should take in account of what I mention above to do a better work of this argument.

leedgenUID: 160823

我也刚写完，一会来改

leedgenUID: 160823

This argument simply proposes that it is necessary to reduce the amount of violence television programs in order to reduce the teenager crime. To substantiate this claim the author quoted many national studies and a survey. Although this argument is well-presented, it is deficient in logic and not cogent.这么写是不是也算restate呢？推荐看看
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=134092
嘿嘿，我到处推销这个帖子呢

A threshold problem in this argument is that the author confuses two conceptions which are violent behavior and crime. From the studies the author points out very young children who watch many television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch such shows. However violent conducts do not equals to crime. The definition of crime is that an action violates the law and some punishments are upon conviction. Obviously simply [simple] violent behavior does not parallel crime. 这点我倒没想到，暴力和犯罪的不同之处，佩服

In addition, the survey the author cites as a piece of[这么修饰好怪啊] evidence is open to doubt. First, the author fails to inform us that how many people take part in this survey and whether the survey is randomization. If the sample is not sufficient in size and before the investigation the respondents are not randomly assigned to one or other groups, we have good reason to doubt the representative of this survey. Because maybe the respondents are parents whose children have committed crimes怎么只有becuase从句，主句涅？. If this is the case, the response of these parents is tendentious.

Even if the survey is credible and of validity, based on unfounded assumption that all teenagers tend to watch television during prime time, the author recommends that it is necessary to reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time in order to lower the teenager crime rate.[这里好像和我犯了一样的错，幸好小别给我纠出来的，首句最好就是ts，不要叙述作者的论据] In fact no evidence is offered to illustrate that teenagers would watch television during prime time. If so[这里的so指代不明], the reduction of violent television during prime time could not guarantee the decline of teenager crime proportion. Even though teenagers are more inclined to watch television during prime time, there is no information to demonstrate that they would certainly choose to watch violent shows. If the teenagers like watching violent scenes, the reduction of such scenes during prime time is not sufficient enough to lower the teenager crime rate. Perhaps as long as the television broadcasts violent scenes, teenagers would watch television. Without considering and eliminating these possibilities, the author’s claim to reduce the violent scenes in television during prime time is unconvincing.可能是限时写的原因，这段写的有点倒来倒去的，肯定是想到哪儿写到哪儿的，条理也不是很清晰啊

In conclusion, the author should take in account of what I mention above to do a better work of this argument.最后没时间了？

智恩这篇写得不怎么出色呀，可能由于限时写的原因吧

加油，这篇再修改修改

jingjingtousUID: 2164820

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=134092
这个帖子我也看过，曾经影响我好常时间，leedgen所的对，尽量避免summerize

智恩UID: 2160717

谢谢leedgen 和jingjing，最近的argu可能是到了高原区了，要研究一下范文了，不然的话····

staralwaysUID: 193479

This argument simply proposes that it is necessary to reduce the amount of violence television programs in order to reduce the teenager crime. To substantiate this claim the author quoted many national studies and a survey. Although this argument is well-presented, it is deficient in logic and not cogent. [开头还是不错的，没有复述而把意思说出来了。]

A threshold problem in this argument is that the author confuses two conceptions which are violent behavior and crime. [这个分论点提得不错。] From the studies the author points out very young children who watch many television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch such shows. [觉得这里可以稍微改写下。] However violent conducts do not equals to crime. The definition of crime is that an action violates the law and some punishments are upon conviction. [觉得在这里可以接着把“violent conducts”的定义再讲一下，这样可以体现出比较，而且和后面那句话的连接也就会比较顺畅点。] Obviously simply violent behavior does not parallel crime.

In addition, the survey the author cites as a piece of evidence is open to doubt. First, the author fails to inform us that how many people take part in this survey and whether the survey [sampling] is randomization. If the sample is not sufficient in size and before the investigation the respondents are not randomly assigned to one or other groups, we have good reason to doubt the representative of this survey. [whether this survey is representative.] Because maybe the respondents are parents whose children have committed crimes. If this is [were] the case, the response of these parents is tendentious.

Even if the survey is credible and of validity, based on unfounded assumption that all teenagers tend to watch television during prime time, the author recommends that it is necessary to reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time in order to lower the teenager crime rate. In fact no evidence is offered to illustrate that teenagers would watch television during prime time. [这里可以考虑举一个例子来说明为什么“青少年不会在黄金时段观看电视”。] If so, the reduction of violent television during prime time could not guarantee the decline of teenager crime proportion. Even though teenagers are more inclined to watch television during prime time, there is no information to demonstrate that they would certainly choose to watch violent shows. If the teenagers like watching violent scenes, the reduction of such scenes during prime time is not sufficient enough to lower the teenager crime rate. Perhaps as long as the television broadcasts violent scenes, teenagers would watch television. [可以说说还会有其他的形式、途径，青少年可以接触到含有暴力内容的出版物，等等。] Without considering and eliminating these possibilities, the author’s claim to reduce the violent scenes in television during prime time is unconvincing.

In conclusion, the author should take in account of what I mention above to do a better work of this argument. [结尾略显简略了点。]

[ 本帖最后由 staralways 于 2006-2-11 14:10 编辑 ]