argument145

小巴UID: 2145403

In this argument, the arguer recommends that the ones who snores should try to eat less than the average person and to exercise more. To support the claim, the arguer provide a study show that people who snore are more likely to gain weight than are people who do not snore. Furthermore, the arguer explain that many people who snore suffered sleep apnea will be too tired to excise during the day. However, the conclusion suffers several critical fallacies.
In the first place, the arguer fails to establish the causing relationship between snore and gaining weight. Without exact details of the study, it is possible that both of the two conditions due to some other disease, or just coexist as it happens. Furthermore, some other factors, such as diet, may cause fatness.
In the second place, granted that the ones who snore suffered apnea will be very tired during the day, the conclusion that all people who snore should eat less and excise more than average people is opening to doubt. Surely when people are in a tired body condition, that eating a little and excising much will be harm to their health. If the snore actually impacts the resting of people, what they need to do is go to hospital rather than make the situation worse.  
To sum up, the conclusion is unjustified. Before we accept it, the arguer should provide exacting evidence that snore will cause gaining weight. To strengthen the claim, the arguer need to approve that the tired people should eat less and excise more, in order to avoid the sleep apnea.

[ 本帖最后由 staralways 于 2006-2-21 23:39 编辑 ]

whitemummyUID: 2166380

In this argument, the arguer recommends that (the ones->one) who snores should try to eat less than the average person and to exercise more. To support the claim, the arguer (provide->provides) a study (show->to show) that people who snore are more likely to gain weight than are people who do not snore. Furthermore, the arguer (explain->explains) that many people who snore (and) (suffered->suffer from) sleep apnea will be too tired to excise during the day. However, the conclusion suffers several critical fallacies. (这里有点问题提一下，首先要清楚The study是作为论断的前提出现的，而不是论据；后面讲的well known fact才是论据。所以将前提当作论据来写，表面上没有问题，但是始终不是太好。另外出现很多浅显的语法错误，这些是不应该的。)

In the first place, the arguer fails to establish the causing relationship between snore and gaining weight. Without exact details of the study, it is possible that both of the two conditions due to some other disease, or just coexist as it happens. Furthermore, some other factors, such as diet, may cause fatness.（太简单了，另外逻辑不是太好，这段本来应该作为其中一个重点来写的，否则字数就达不到。）

In the second place, (granted->based on the fact,我不确定granted用的正确与否，但是似乎很少见，意思上也不太好) that the（去掉，复数前面不要加冠词） ones (who snore suffered apnea,这里有点问题的，上面帮你改了，这里最好换一下表达方式) will be very tired during the day, the conclusion that all people who snore should eat less and excise more than average people is opening to doubt. Surely when people are in a tired body condition, that eating a little and excising much will be (harm->harmful) to their health. If the snore actually impacts the (resting->rest) of people, what they need to do is (go->going) to hospital rather than (make->making) the situation worse.  

To sum up, the conclusion is unjustified. Before we accept it, the arguer should provide exacting evidence that snore will cause gaining weight. To strengthen the claim, the arguer need to approve that the tired people should eat less and excise more, in order to avoid the sleep apnea.(这个结论的思想和写法是对的，不过我觉得用在这个题目中不合适。因为这个题目的结论很难被证明是正确的，即使提供更多的证据。所以为了使自己的文章有说服力，就应该避开提这些好像合理的建议，而是坚持认为它的观点完全是错误的。)

点评：
1、        严重的，很多浅显的语法错误，现在不限时写的时候一定要注意，否则限时写会更多；
2、        论证不充分，完全没有展开，从而导致论证无力，字数也显得太少了；
3、        一开始不建议用这么明显的模版，否则作文水平很难有大的提高。

一家之言，错误之处请多包涵，共同努力阿！有时间也帮我改一下作文吧~~

hepengmcUID: 203123

whitemummy 已经把错误找的很详细了，很不错，真是个好老师！！
小巴要加油，至少下一篇的字数要达到要求，argument至少400 issue至少450，加油哈！你什么时候考作文呢？

小巴UID: 2145403

水平不高，让大家见笑了，不过坚信没有砖头，没有成长
to whitemummy ：谢谢你的修改，我今晚就帮你改的，想问一下你们平时用的什么修改软件啊
to hepengmc :我3。20号考试。