同主题写作第一期 by xizzhu

xizzhuUID: 2195156

5. A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

People like factories because they bring new jobs to a community.  In my opinion, however, the risks of a factory far outweigh the benefits.  Factories cause pollution and they bring too much growth, thereby leading to unacceptable negative results.  In addition, they destroy the quiet lifestyle of a tourist city.  That is why I oppose a plan to build a factory near my community.

Factories cause smog.  If they build a new factory, the air we breathe will become dirty.  Everything will be covered with dust.  Factories also pollute rivers and streams.  Our water will be too dirty to drink.  The environment will be hurt and people's health will be affected by a factory.

Some people will say that more jobs will be created by a factory.  However, this can have a negative result.  Our population will grow quickly.  Many new homes and stores will be built.  There will be a lot of traffic on the roads. Furthermore, if the factory is a textile mill, the jobs they offer are mostly low-paid.  in addition, not all people who come here and look for a job can guarantee get their jobs.  it's highly possible our city will be full of those people.  in that case, except for consideing the problems of pollution, the criminal rate of our city will go up.   

Our city , a tourist and historic city, will change a lot.  It is a pleasant place now;  It is safe, clean and quiet.  Most people in our community still want to enjoy blue sky,  clear water and serene lifestyle.  If a new large factory bring growth to the industry city, all of those change.  Of our beautiful, tourist and historic city, the feel will be lost.  

A factory would be helpful in some ways, but the dangers outweigh the benefits.  Our city would be changed too much by a factory. Nevertheless, banks and science institues are welcome, but not a large factory.   I cannot support a plan to build a large factory here.

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-15 11:04 编辑 ]

mf1984`UID: 2174556

5. A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position

People like factories because they bring new jobs to a community.  In my opinion, however, the benefits of a factory are outweighed by the risks.  Factories cause pollution and they bring too much growth(???).  In addition, they destroy(语气太重？) the quiet lifestyle of a tourist city.  That is why I oppse a plan to build a factory near my community.


Factries cause smog.  If they build a new factory, the air we breathe will become dirty.  Everything will be covered with dust.  Factories also pollute rivers and streams.  Our water will be too dirty to drink.  The environment will be hurt（不准确吧） and people's health will be affected by a factory（工厂不会直接损害健康）.

Some people will say that more jobs will be created by a factory.  However, this can have a negative result. (以下用would) Our population will grow quickly.  Many new homes（houses） and stores will be built.  There will be a lot of traffic on the roads. For instance,(应该有个if) the factory is a textile mill, the jobs they offer are mostly low-paid.  in that case, even without consideration of pollution, the criminal rate might go up（哪儿跟哪儿啊？）.  however（这个词不能到处用，此处就不对）, banks and science institions（institute） are welcome, but not factories.

Our city , a tourist and historic city, will change a lot（Undesired changes may take palace in our city, which is noted for its admirable landscape and historic resorts）.  It is a pleasant place now;  It is safe, fun(?) and quiet.  Most people in our community still want to have(enjoy?) blue sky,  clear water and quiet lifestyle.  If a factory move(是建造不是move) to here, all of this will change.  

A factory would be helpful in some ways, but the dangers outweigh the benefits.  Our city would be changed to much[/color](不对，changed drastically) by (the constuction of)a factory.  I cannot support(用oppose才能表达强烈反对啊) a plan to build a new factory here.
好的地方不说了
感觉总体语气太过绝对，逻辑上难以让人接受
另外，lz不觉得简单句太多了么
建议lz重写一遍再传上来

[ 本帖最后由 mf1984` 于 2006-4-14 10:41 编辑 ]

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 mf1984` 于 2006-4-14 10:31 发表
5. A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support  ...

thanks for your opinions.   i edited it twice before i read your commet.    I know there are too many 简单句 in my essay.  :lol

undoerlcUID: 194641

牛人啊,读起来好朗朗上口啊,语法用词读下来感觉不到问题啊,这才是真正的英语文章啊~~

lyhcynthiaUID: 2178647

楼主尽量不要用被动句，例如第一段的OUTWEIGH 地用法，整体来说很不错。

painistqsyUID: 2195964

5. A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

People like factories(不应该说喜欢工厂吧，people are inclined to accept a proposal as to building a new factory) because they bring new jobs to a community.  In my opinion, however, the benefits of a factory are outweighed (用得好)by the risks.  Factories cause pollution and they bring too much growth.  In addition, they [color=Red]（probably affect）destroy the quiet lifestyle of a tourist city.  That is why I oppse(oppose) a plan to build a factory near my community.

Factries cause smog.  If they build a new factory, the air we breathe will become dirty.  Everything will be covered with dust.  Factories also pollute rivers and streams.  Our water will be too dirty to drink.  The environment will be hurt and people's health will be affected by a factory.

people will say that more jobs will be created by a factory.  However, this can have a negative result.  Our population will grow quickly.  Many new homes and stores will be built.  There will be a lot of traffic on the roads. Furthermore, if the factory is a textile mill, the jobs they offer are mostly low-paid.  in that case, even without consideration of pollution, the criminal rate might go up(boost).   

Our city , a tourist and historic city, will change a lot.  It is a pleasant place now;  It is safe, clean and quiet.  most people in our community still want to enjoy blue sky,  clear water and quiet(serene) lifestyle.  If a new large factory build here, all of those will change.
  
A factory would be helpful in some ways, but the dangers outweigh the benefits.  Our city would be changed too much by a factory. however, banks and science institions are welcome, but not a factory.   I cannot support a plan to build a large factory here.

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 painistqsy 于 2006-4-14 14:16 发表
5. A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose th ...

thanks a lot.  you know what?  俺都改了N便了, 还有这么多错误, how come i did find those mistakes by my own?    practice, practice, practice!

undoerlcUID: 194641

People like factories because they bring new jobs to a community.  In my opinion, however, the benefits of a factory are outweighed by the risks(看了多遍本以为你想写这个意思: the benefits of a factory are outweighed at stake/at risk, 后来才看懂是被动啊，的确象斑斑所说，这里不用被动了吧) .  Factories cause pollution and they bring too much growth(虽然知道你后来要写growth是什么不过写第一段应该给人预读感，这可能是语言习惯问题因为中国写起来喜欢伏笔，老外比较直接).  In addition, they destroy the quiet lifestyle of a tourist city.  That is why I oppse(oppose) a plan to build a factory near my community.

Factries(Factories) cause smog.  If they build a new factory, the air we breathe will become dirty.  Everything will be covered with dust.  Factories also pollute rivers and streams.  Our water will be too dirty to drink.  The environment will be hurt and people's health will be affected by a factory.

Some people will say that more jobs will be created by a factory.  However, this can have a negative result. Our population will grow quickly（这里最好写个比较结构，表示比不建厂更快）.  Many new homes and stores will be built.  There will be a lot of traffic on the roads. Furthermore, if the factory is a textile mill, the jobs they offer are mostly low-paid. (I) in that case, even without consideration of pollution(growth), the criminal rate might(这个前半句感觉斩钉截铁，后半句might却一下气势又泻了) go up.

Our city , a tourist and historic city, will change a lot.  It is a pleasant place now;  It is safe, clean and quiet.  (M)most people in our community still want to enjoy blue sky,  clear water and quiet lifestyle.  If a new large factory build(s) here, all of those will change. (建议可以写下环境破坏-->旅游业下降-->收入降低-->人民生活水平下降,更有力些,不写也无所谓)

A factory would be helpful in some ways, but the dangers outweigh the benefits.  Our city would be changed too much(的确这里用drastically体现坏处的感觉) by a factory. (H)however(这里感觉用nevertheless,转折轻一些比较舒服), banks and science institions(institutions) are welcome, but not a factory.   I cannot support a plan to build a large factory here(前后呼应的确要强烈表示你的反对意见比较好)
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先引用ETS的6分评述:(红色表没有满足,兰色表满足,黄色表加分)

Demonstrate clear competence in writing on both the rhetorical(这个是比较难的)(A) and syntactic(B) level, thought it may have occasional errors.
A paper in this category:
(1) effectively addressed the writing task
(2) is well organized and well developed
(3) uses clear appropriate details to support a thesis or illustrate ideas
(4) displays consistent facility in the use of language
(5) demonstrate syntactic variety and appropriate word choice (个人觉得第5点还需加强,第5点比较难应该是作为加分项的, 精简的语言的确是英语的必然,但是感觉一是TOEFL的BT的评分和经验告诉我们写长句,句法多变比较容易被加分,个人写长句是觉得长句变化起来比较简单, 短句的多变语法上太难达到了)

[ 本帖最后由 undoerlc 于 2006-4-14 14:41 编辑 ]

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 undoerlc 于 2006-4-14 14:40 发表
People like factories because they bring new jobs to a community.  In my opinion, however, the benefits of a factory are outweighed by the risks(看了多遍本以为你想写这个意思: the benefi ...

thanks you very much.  it's very helpful!  It is the first time that i've seen the excellent comments.   thanks again.

woodygtUID: 2136751

这么多人改过了，我就不改语法什么的了。
总体上觉得还是简单句太多了，我似乎没找到复杂句的说。这个多少用一点吧，表达的会更紧凑。

还有一个问题就是内容的衔接不好，

Some people will say that more jobs will be created by a factory.  However, this can have a negative result.  Our population will grow quickly.  Many new homes and stores will be built.  There will be a lot of traffic on the roads. Furthermore, if the factory is a textile mill, the jobs they offer are mostly low-paid.  in that case, even without consideration of pollution, the criminal rate might go up.  

最后那个犯罪率就显得有点没有缘由，说服力就下降了很多。中间再解释一句可能会好的多。其实我也是这个问题，一篇文章300多字要摆3个论点，感觉就是那个都说得不够，例子也没有办法说好。

嗯。就这样。总体不错，继续努力，一起加油:)

528963UID: 2200949

写得不好

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 woodygt 于 2006-4-14 18:09 发表
这么多人改过了，我就不改语法什么的了。
总体上觉得还是简单句太多了，我似乎没找到复杂句的说。这个多少用一点吧，表达的会更紧凑。

还有一个问题就是内容的衔接不好，



最后那个犯罪率就显得有点没有 ...

那个犯罪率偶是想加强negative result in the third paragraph, 想法是: 一吓来了一大堆底收入的人,还有盲流(没得到工作但又没回家, 人满为患啊 但除了大银行, 科学院, 后面就提了以呼应) 就会使犯罪率提高.       怎么样写好哪?  接的是不好.  帮忙写点吧!

thanks for your advice

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-14 22:56 编辑 ]

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 undoerlc 于 2006-4-14 14:40 发表
Demonstrate clear competence in writing on both the rhetorical(这个是比较难的)(A) and syntactic(B) level, thought it may have occasional errors.
(1) effectively addressed the writing task
(2) is well organized and well developed
(3) uses clear appropriate details to support a thesis or illustrate ideas
(4) displays consistent facility in the use of language (5) demonstrate syntactic variety and appropriate word choice (个人觉得第5点还需加强,第5点比较难应该是作为加分项的, 精简的语言的确是英语的必然,但是感觉一是TOEFL的BT的评分和经验告诉我们写长句,句法多变比较容易被加分,个人写长句是觉得长句变化起来比较简单, 短句的多变语法上太难达到了)

just find the definition of "Rhetorical Construction" from ETS in the book, so called "The Official Guide GMAT VERBAL REVIEW ---- 11th Edition.

跟偶以前的 conception of "Rhetorical Construction" is totally differnt.  OK, Here is the definition of it:

ETS says:  Good sentence avoids constructions that are awkward, wordy, redundant, imprecise, or unclear, even when they are free of grammatical errors.

还举了一个例子:
GOOD:  Before we left on vacation, we watered the plants, checked to see that stove was off, and set the burglar alarm.
BAD:  Before we left on vacation, we watered, checked to be sure that the stove had been turned off, and set it.

whatever, i do kow i need to put a few longer sentences in my essay.   thanks for your comments.  in a return, i like to share this "definition" to you.

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-15 01:28 编辑 ]

lanccyUID: 2156906

谢谢楼主之前给我改过的文章。
总结一下，观点比较新颖，但行文不行，句式用词似乎都欠一点，还有要拿出点段落给advantage，这样才会比较客观，毕竟题目是discuss the advantages and disadvantages

smilevickyUID: 2132221

People like factories because they bring new jobs to a community.  In my opinion, however, the risks of a factory far outweigh the benefits.  Factories cause pollution and they（it, refers to the pollution ） bring too much growth, thereby leading to(我觉得这里处理成句子比较好，leads to) unacceptable negative results.  In addition, they (it)destroy(destories)(注意前后指代一致，要不前面Pollution 就改成复数) the quiet lifestyle of a tourist city.  That is why I oppose a plan to build a factory near my community.

Factories cause smog.  If they build a new factory, the air we breathe will become dirty.  Everything will be covered with dust.  Factories also pollute rivers and streams.  Our water will be too dirty to drink.  The environment will be hurt（harmed 会不会更好） and people's health will be affected by a factory.|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE K am.AK8x A o l4}
bbs.gter.net"g8i)H r$S&N
Some people will say that more jobs will be created by a factory.  However, this can have a negative result.  Our population will grow quickly.  Many new homes and stores will be built.  There will be a lot of traffic on the roads. Furthermore, if the factory is a textile mill, the jobs they offer are mostly low-paid.  in addition, not all people who come here and look for a job can guarantee get their jobs.  it's highly possible our city will be full of those people.  in that case, except for considering(可以不要了) the problems of pollution, the criminal rate of our city will go up.   

Our city , a tourist and historic city, will change a lot.  It is a pleasant place now;  It is safe, clean and quiet.  Most people in our community still want to enjoy blue sky,  clear water and serene lifestyle.  If a new large factory bring（brings） growth to the industry city, all of those change(will change).  Of our beautiful, tourist and historic city, the feel will be lost.  (What we thinks about our beautiful ,tourist and historic city will be disappeared.)|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE5{        e        x Z m-c
A factory would be helpful in some ways, but the dangers outweigh the benefits.  Our city would be changed too much by a factory. Nevertheless, banks and science institues (institutes)are welcome, but not a large factory.   I cannot support a plan to build a large factory here

总体觉得你的思路比较清楚，被动句太多了，另外增加一些长句会更好，谢谢你对我作文的修改，大家一起加油！