5T同主题写作第1期_第2次重写_topic5_by undoerlc_欢迎继续拍砖

undoerlcUID: 194641

斑斑我错了,原谅我吧~

xizzhuUID: 2195156

A superficial glance of the issue that a company has announced its willing to put up a factory in my neighborhood may pains me. However, a deeper analysis forces me to change my mind. Although the establishment might engender a few problems, I believe the merits, which our resident benefit from, far outweigh the drawbacks in two aspects. The reason of my perspective goes as follows.

First of all, job opportunities, such as engineers and managers, which are somewhat incredibly hard to pursuit in the competitive society, apparently will be offered by the factory and the relevant industries. The running of the factory should have demands on absorbing employees, and the residents, who live or study nearby, must be the company's first consideration when it blueprinted the factory. Statistics conducted by Shanghai Social Science Institution (SSSI) in 2004 indicates that, among 80 factories built near the communities which scatter over 8 districts in Shanghai, 64 factories have hired residents nearby over 50% of their total staff. Moreover, the residents also profit from the working opportunities provided by relevant supplying company brought in by the factory, as questionnaires also done by SSSI illustrated that. (ah, hardly believe that you can write it as a profession with that statistics :))

Not only will our residents benefit from precious working opportunities, but the amelioration of our community’s living conditions as well in two aspects.( 胃语在哪?) i guess you might try to say:  Our residents benefit from not only precious working opportunities, but the amelioration of our communit's living conditions as well First, steady jobs brings our residents and workers various needs in the community, and, with the augmentation of our needs, convenient facilities, such as supper market and catering company, are more likely to serve our needs. These all serve to improve the living conditions of our resident. Second, the establishment of the factory requires pre-constructed public facilities, like electricity and gas supply, or communication services, which also can be utilized by our community. Moreover, the transportation nearby, like buses and railways, are more likely to improve with the construction of the factory, as the needs of transportations of both employees and the cargoes. This, accordingly, will combine with the first aspect to be a so-called "ameliorable circulation", both serve to improve our community and lives

Someone may argue the pollutions, such as air pollution or noise contamination, which is brought about by the factory. Nevertheless, too much quietness is no always good, scientific experiment indicate that it is more likely to feel lonely in a quiet environment. Also, air pollution should be carefully eliminated and strictly controlled by the techniques in the modern society, and we can also build more green plants in our community to better our lives.

To sum up, I wholehearted welcome the factory to be built up(built吧, build up = develop) in our neighborhood. With the establishment of the factory, residents will have easier access to the working opportunities. In addition, the factory will improve people's lives in the end (why?). In my opinion, these are the two of the most important factors for the people to consider about when living in a community, and construction of the factory satisfies both of them.

obviously, you use some "big" words that i cannot.   longer sentences than mine.  i learn from you.   here is mine, looking forward to your advice.
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

lyhcynthiaUID: 2178647

写得很好。 ：-）注意控制字数， 不过现在能多写些也是件好事情。加油。

undoerlcUID: 194641

谢谢猫猫斑竹的鼓励和xizzhu的批改啊,再写第3遍的时候把字数压下来把,但是感觉要表达那么多的意思好象300-400字有点难度的

mf1984`UID: 2174556

LZ才素 牛人啊，
有些词俺都闻所未闻啊

dr_greenUID: 193584

Someone may argue the pollutions, such as air pollution or noise contamination, which is brought about by the factory. Nevertheless, too much quietness is no always good, scientific experiment indicate that it is more likely to feel lonely in a quiet environment.这个论证有点问题哦 noise contamination 已经不是save people from loneliness的那点“声音”的程度了 noise contamination是可以导致心理问题滴“噪音”水平。。。你这里有偷换概念的嫌疑 Also, air pollution should be你好像常常用should be, 我觉得在支持自己的观点的时候 用should的语气太委婉了。。 carefully eliminated and strictly controlled by the techniques in the modern society, and we can also build more green plants in our community to better our lives.