第二期主题，写完怪怪的。

扁舟子001UID: 204048

We can easily recognize a difference between children and adults, while children could be described as naïve or dependent and the adults mature or independent. There are many events that make a person an adult. Numerous things happened during this course, and some of them are playing key roles, as I see.
First, the adult ceremony, which is popular in many cultures, is a crucial step to make an adult. We can usually say that the ceremony has both physiological and psychological meanings to be an adult. The birthday of 18 years old, in some cultures, is the milestone between the children and adults. On the one hand, 18 years old is a physiological symbol that shows maturation. On the other hand, conducting a ceremony is the social identification in psychological perspective. Although adult ceremonies vary the forms in different regions, the most significant effect is to convey the meaning that he or she is an adult and corresponding responsibilities should be taken from then on. We can see the profound social processes involved in the adult ceremonies.
Second, the first salary can also be the impulse to make a person an adult. The first salary means not only the income, but also the independence. Under most circumstance, most people will send their parents or friends a gift as a kind of celebration. The salary is equal to a right, the right to control the life. The self control is one of most distinct boundary between child and adult. As soon as you can control your life, adult life is coming up.
Finally, the traumatic experience would be the point to be an adult. Tribulation is a school, said by Gorky. At this school, we can learn how to cherish the life, the friendship and so on. After experiencing the failure of graduate exam, we can often witness his or her growth, in other word, all these are growing pains. Countless films and novels depict this theme. For most people, they can sublime from the conflicts, from a child to be an adult.
In a word, everyone has his or her own way to grow up, however, there may be some similar events to make a person an adult. Adult ceremony, the first salary and the traumatic experience may all be the events to shape a man.

夜一UID: 2130338

We can easily recognize a difference differences between children and adults, while 建议不要无谓的强求长句，尤其是不太能把握通顺的时候 children could be described as naïve or dependent and the adults mature or independent. There are many events that make a person an adult. Numerous things happened during this course, and some of them are playing the key roles, as I see.

First, the adult ceremony, which is popular in many cultures, is a crucial step to make a person an adult这种时候就不要省略了，省略了会出问题的，不省略的话别人也不会觉得罗嗦，反而可以凑字数. We can usually say that the ceremony has both physiological and psychological meanings to be an adult. The birthday of 18 years old, in some cultures, is the milestone between the children and adults. On the one hand, 18 years old is a physiological symbol that shows maturation. On the other hand, conducting a ceremony is the social identification in psychological perspective. Although adult ceremonies vary the forms in different regions, the most significant effect is to convey the meaning that he or she is an adult and corresponding responsibilities should be taken from then on. We can see the profound social processes involved in the adult ceremonies. 这一段的论证有问题。论述的关键不在be，而在make，也就是说，ceremony事实的存在不能说明任何问题，关键是它怎么作用于一个人，让他成长为adult的。比如说make a person realize his(or) responsibility之类的

Second, the first piece of salary can also be the impulse to make a person an adult. The first piece of salary means not only the income, but also the independence. Under most circumstance, most people will send their parents or friends a gift as a kind of celebration. The salary is equal to a right, the right one 切忌不要使用中国人的说话方式，那样会有语法问题，当然我也不确定这样改是否真的正确，最好换一种表达方式to control the 去掉，这里不能用定冠词 life. The self control is one of most distinct boundary between child and adult. self control是自我节制的意思，跟前一句话中主宰自己的生活的意思完全不相干，不如把这两句话合并成一句话，也省去不必要的麻烦Salary is equal to a right to control one's own life, which is the most improtant characteristic to distinguish adults from children As soon as you can control your life, adult life is coming up.

Finally, the traumatic experience would be the point 换个词吧，没有这样的用法to be an adult. Tribulation is a school, said by Gorky. At this school, we can learn how to cherish the life, the friendship and so on. After experiencing the failure of graduate exam, we can often witness用这个词真的好么？没有很好把握的单词还是不要随便用的好 his or her growth, in other word语法上这应该是两句话了，要不然至少加个and, all these are growing pains. Countless films and novels depict this theme. For most people, they can sublime from the conflicts, from a child to be an adult.

In a word, everyone has his or her own way to grow up, however, there may be some similar events to make a person an adult. Adult ceremony, the first salary and the traumatic experience may all be the events to shape a man.结尾段全是may，语气太弱了，虽然我们通常不把话说死，但不是用这样的方法，论证的力度是不能减弱的，一般来说说完一句比较绝对的话，加个as far as I know之类的，总比这样好

这篇文章每一段的论述都紧扣题目，是非常好的
问题有几个
一是刻意的追求难词与难句，但我认为在不能完全把握意义的时候是不可以用的，不用大不了被评价为词汇比较单调，用了就是语法错误，别说加分，只会被扣分
第二个也是类似的，很多表达不地道，参杂着中国人的表达方式，以及一些想当然的表达方式，这个多看范文吧，会有提高的，虽然说新概念3、4都很好，可是现在时间不多了去背明显不现实，应试的东西还是看范文
第三是论述的内容，简单得来说缺乏detail和vivid，第二段已经说过了，论述完全不能支持论点，而在第四段， Countless films and novels depict this theme.，真得很可惜啊，要是把film和novel具体举出来，什么名字，什么人，什么背景，发生了什么事，不仅可以有力的支持论点，还可以借机完全展现你的文字功底，更加不必担心字数太少
第四就是说了的，论述的语气，至少对于每一段的中心句，may这种词都是绝对不可以用的，想想看，花了这么大的力气，结果就是一个may，谁也说服不了，太不合算了

DidoyUID: 2181213

写得很好啊！。。。比我写的好多了呀。。。

[ 本帖最后由 Didoy 于 2006-4-18 17:37 编辑 ]

shendanlinUID: 2142838

感觉不错哈！正在愁这篇怎么写呢。。

扁舟子001UID: 204048

谢谢你帮我改的作文。这两天状态有点焦虑，感觉复习象无头苍蝇，所以还没有静下心来重写166，不过看了你的评论，对写作文有点感觉了。真的谢谢你。
首先，我觉得自己的作文大而空，就象你所说的，缺少detail 和vivd,难怪我当时写的时候觉得有点怪，论证不充分。这个方面我一定会有意识改进的。
接着就是表达方法的问题了。你说很多表达不地道，的确是有点理所当然。当时写作文的时候也顾不了这么多了。所以你特别提到的这点，我也会注意。
你还给了我一个很好的建议，多看范文，有时间的话看看新概念。我从今天开始，打算过一遍新概念第三册，找回英语的感觉。

[ 本帖最后由 扁舟子001 于 2006-4-19 11:37 编辑 ]

扁舟子001UID: 204048

我都不太清楚，要不我们可以大致划个范围，各自写完之后再这交流，可以吗？

扁舟子001UID: 204048

我都不太清楚，要不我们可以大致划个范围，各自写完之后再这交流，可以吗？