Argument25 [黄金十二宫]第一次作业(5.24) 拜托大家帮我看看，自己实在比较难写好

永远的圣者UID: 2182901

The following appeared in a memo from the mayor of the town of Hopewell.
Two years ago, the town of Ocean View built a new municipal golf course and resort hotel. During the past two years, tourism in Ocean View has increased, new businesses have opened there, and Ocean View's tax revenues have risen by 30 percent. The best way to improve Hopewell's economy, and generate additional tax revenues, is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View.

1.在Ocean View,旅客的增加,商业的兴起,税收的增加不一定是因为建造了新的高尔夫球场和度假旅馆；
2.即使Ocean View的成功来源于新的建造，并不能说明在Hopewell进行同样的建造也可以获得成功。

The pursuit for prosperity of economy and increase of tax revenues, at the first glance, by ways of having the same construction, which led the success of the same kind in another area, seems to be with reason. After all, it is more convincing of achievement ‘by standing on the shoulders of giants’. However, the conclusion that building a golf course and resort hotel accomplishes the rising of Ocean View may mask other causes of the boom, and thus, the cognizance of success in another area with the same method must be more unwarranted.

Fist of all, the arguer simply assumes that the construction brought a series of Ocean View’s successfulness in the past two years, but he does not provide any evidence that this is really the case. As we know, the increase of tourism is because there is something really attracting them and the new golf course may attract those who love to play golf, and thus the aggrandizing number of tourists in Ocean View is persuasive. The new construct, the old corrupt. The place where the course stands may take the place, for example, of a Disney World, which can attract even more tourists and the real tourism may decrease in this tradeoff. So this issue is unfounded unless the arguer gives further demonstration that the construction of golf course and resort hotel is the prominent reason for the boost of tourism which the other effects can be omitted in this situation.

With the same kind of thought the scene that new businesses have opened, and also tax revenues have risen during the past two years may not come from the new construction. Since the golf course and resort hotel may never take the enough opportunity for the businessmen to begin any economy there. And the data of tax revenue is more skeptical. Not only its rising may not come from the construction I have mentioned many times before, but also it may be only nominal which can not illustrate the augment of tax revenue. In another word, high inflation may occur and ultimately the real tax revenues decrease. By the analysis before, the fruition in three aspects, which Hopewell is so eagle to have, maybe is not the outcome of what the arguer is pointed out.

As standing on an unsteady bog, the arguer's suggestion for building the similar project in Hopewell is discredit. Assuming that the construction is really the basis of the consummation, however, I will again doubt whether it will bring the same success since a false analogy is given. Since there are great differences between the two areas, the construction of the same kind may not bring the prosperous in Hopewell and the arguer fails to take into account possible dissimilarities between them. A very representative (which is also possibly happened) condition is that the people around Hopewell may not like playing golf at all. So that the course will at last bankrupt as there is not enough people want to go there, and in this situation, the area will not benefit from the new constitution.

In sum, the evidence accomplishes little toward supporting the argument for the similar building. To further bolster the argument, the incentives of the new construction must be proved to be strong enough to pilot the success in Ocean View. The arguer must also show the resemblance between Ocean View and Hopewell which may be the key to prove same success can be achieved in Hopewell.

写是写完了，其实本人还是挺认真的，但实在是英语这个东西自己太弱了，使劲儿写也只能写成上面的这个样子，所以拜托看到这个帖子的人，能帮我改一下，我先在这里谢过大家了。
对说好帮我改的牛牛的BHN我要说声道歉，刚才QQ有点毛病，只到现在还神神经经的，耽误你的时间了，另外只希望能帮我好好改了，写得太烂真是过意不去。

bhnUID: 2177959

The pursuit for prosperity of economy and increase of tax revenues, at the first glance, by ways of having the same（应该具体指明跟谁相同吧，前面出现了一遍Construction才能再用same吧） construction, which led the success of the same kind in another area, seems to be with reason(I don’t know if  it’s right to use “with reason”; I think using reasonable is more common. After all, it is more convincing of achievement （不太清楚ｃｏｎｖｉｎｃｉｎｇ有没有这种用法，以前没见过)‘by standing on the shoulders of giants’. However, the conclusion that building a golf course and resort hotel accomplishes the rising of Ocean View may mask other causes of the boom (第一段不用指出具体的原因), and thus, the cognizance of success in another area with the same method must be more unwarranted.

Fist of all, the arguer simply assumes that the construction brought a series of Ocean View’s successfulness9（好像没有这个单词吧，用success吧，brought OV a series of success看起来更符合表达习惯吧） in the past two years, but he does not provide any evidence that this is really the case. As we know, the increase of tourism is because (because 不能这么用吧，可以用due to ）there is something really attracting them and the new golf course may attract those who love to play golf, and thus the aggrandizing （ｔｈｅ）number of tourists in Ocean View is persuasive. （这个句子好长呀，层次不太清晰） The new construct, the old corrupt.（这句是谚语么？有语法问题） The place where the course（course这个词是什么意思?） stands may take the place, for example, of a Disney World, which can attract even more tourists and the real tourism may decrease in this tradeoff.（这个中可能不太可能发生吧，没有人会把一个好的公园改称一个更差的。应该列举比较有可能的例子，这样才有说服力。） So this issue is unfounded unless the arguer gives further demonstration that the construction of golf course and resort hotel is the prominent reason for the boost of tourism which the other effects can be omitted in this situation.

With the same kind of thought the scene that new businesses have opened, and also tax revenues have risen during the past two years may not come from the new construction. Since the golf course and resort hotel may never take the enough opportunity for the businessmen to begin any economy there. And the data of tax revenue is more skeptical（这个词是指人持怀疑态度，不是指事物不可靠，引人怀疑可以用dubious）. Not only its rising may not come from the construction I have mentioned many times before, but also it may be only nominal which can not illustrate the augment of tax revenue. In another word, high inflation may occur and ultimately the real tax revenues decrease. By the analysis before, the fruition in three aspects, which Hopewell is so eagle to have, maybe is not the outcome of what the arguer is pointed out.

As standing on an unsteady bog, the arguer's suggestion for building the similar project in Hopewell is discredit. Assuming that the construction is really the basis of the consummation, however, I will again doubt whether it will bring the same success since a false analogy is given(觉得上面说的好啰嗦，就是说建议在hopewell不一定有效嘛，用一句话就可以表达清楚了，第一句不用或者两句合并). Since there are great differences between the two areas, the construction of the same kind may not bring the prosperous in Hopewell and the arguer fails to take into account possible dissimilarities between them. （这句话也说得太罗嗦重复了，连续说了两遍两地的不同。 Since there are great differences between the two areas which the arguer fails to take into account, the construction of the same kind may not bring the prosperous in Hopewell这样是不是好些？）.A very representative (which is also possibly happened) condition is that the people around Hopewell may not like playing golf at all. So that（去掉） the course will at last bankrupt as there is not enough people  want to go there, and in this situation, the area will not benefit from the new constitution (construction).

In sum, the evidence accomplishes little toward supporting the argument for the similar building. To further bolster the argument, the incentives of the new construction must be proved to be strong enough to pilot the success in Ocean View. The arguer must also show the resemblance between Ocean View and Hopewell which may be the key to prove same success can be achieved in Hopewell.
感觉你用词和造句都很诡异，有时候感觉很别扭，不容易看懂,有可能我是好就没看英文了。虽然大家都认为适用长句会让自己的作文显得水平高，但是不专业的长句往往层次不清，晦涩难懂，影响阅卷者的心情。并且最好不要通篇使用长句，应该长短句交错，显得文章较有节奏。另外G作文关键要体现良好的逻辑性，冗词赘句会有损于文章的逻辑性，所以尽量把功夫下在逻辑上，深刻的分析文中的逻辑错误，合理的组织自己的攻击顺序是关键。这样容易取得效果，语言毕竟不是我们的专长。
在这篇文章中还有这些可以攻击：没有关于OV建高尔夫球场前后经济情况的比较，可能以前就是这种增长速度。他说建高尔夫球场是最好的方法，这个没有跟其他方法的比较。

先改了这些，没有灵感了，唉。也许下次看会有新的想法。

另外最近被误认为是牛了:L，确实是误会呀，我水平实在有限，希望大家以事实为准。:lol

永远的圣者UID: 2182901

bhn，真是谢谢了，改的真的很认真
的确，只到现在还不清楚用什么样子的句子或者说语言比较合适
过分的关注于语言，真正重要的逻辑很大程度被我忽略了，实际上写的时候就有这样的感觉，但是还是很没注意……
这次真的很惨啊，不过没关系了，下次再来

njutleeUID: 2179673

不是美关系，圣者，这篇文章要继续总结，争取写好；

bhnUID: 2177959

就这篇的语言风格而言，我也不知道这种风格是不适合ARGU（用了好多类似于文学性的语言)，希望大家讨论一下.

永远的圣者UID: 2182901

的确是前一段时间看了一些文学方面的东西，在写的时候经常就变成了结合了中文感觉的诡异句子。
后来我又看了一些同主题的文章，还是感觉自己在写第一篇A的时候太去考虑怎么样去造句子了（因为从来没写过类似的，但最后当然句子还是一塌糊涂），其实逻辑还是最重要的，我以后还是要在这方面多下功夫，现在一时也说不清楚，容我在看看。
至于语言的问题，我也希望再继续请教大家，到底我们需要的是什么样子的语言