argument117 义无反顾小组第十一次作业

天边一朵云UID: 2157330

Argement 117
The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."提纲：1、调查没有说服力
      2、利润提高有很多因素
      3、并不一定需要所有商店都增加
In this memo, the business manager intends to convince us that as soon as all Valu-Mart stores increase their stock of home office machines as well as office supplies, the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of their stores. To justify this recommendation, the arguer cited a recent survey reporting that over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. And, as pointed out by the arguer, since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments, such changes will help them get out of the present situation. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

The major problem with this argument is that the statistical evidence of the survey upon which the argument relies is too vague to be informative. According to the report, more and more people tend to work home instead of workplace, yet no details about the people who responded to the survey are provided. Who are they? Which age span are they in? What are their professions? What if they all come from one company which is happen to be the only one that requires its employees to take more work home with them? Or what if there are more people who still work at their workplace and do not respond to the survey at all? What is more, it is entirely possible that the jobs of those respondents only account for a small portion of all the jobs in the city or their jobs have no demand for the home office machines and supplies. This survey lends no strong support to the argument unless the arguer can rule out all these possibilities above.

Another problem that undermines the argument is that the arguer fails to prove that profit of the office-supply departments will mount up simply by increasing office supplies stock. On one hand, the arguer provides no information concerning the reasons why there is no impressive sale in the past. As we all know, several factors can contribute to such a result other than the shortage of market demand such as poor management, lack of advertisements and competition. It is more than likely that there already are a lot of customers asking for home-office supplies; however, due to the reasons listed above, Valu-Mart stores get defeated by its competitors. On the other hand, even assuming that it is the lack of demand that leads to the sales declination, no one can guarantee that increasing stock of office supplies will bring about changes. As we have discussed, without superior management and proper advertising strategy, the office-supply departments will all the same not become the most profitable component of the stores.

Last but not least, granted that the stores should take advantage of the work-at-home trend and increase the stock of home office supplies, it is still doubtful whether this change should be adopted by all Valu-Mart stores, as the arguer recommended. Some stores may already stock enough supplies and any increase would be a kind of waste. Some may be close to residential areas thus having more customers and could consider increasing the home office supplies.

As it stands, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the arguer would have to provide more information about the demographic profile of the survey's respondents. Additionally, I would need more detail analysis of why the office-supply departments fail to increase sales in the past and specific evidence to support the arguer's suggestion of increasing stock at all Valu-Mart stores.

kittywen_16UID: 2135347

117.The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."

最近一次调查超过70％的回应者报告说他们被要求回家完成的工作量比以前多。由于Valu-Mart在过去并没有发现办公用品部销量的显著上升，我们应该利用这种在家办公的趋势，在所有Valu-Mart商店增加家庭办公机器比如打印机、小型复印机、碎纸机和传真机的存货。我们也将增加办公用品比如纸笔和钉书机的存货。通过这些变革，我们办公用品部将会成为我们商店中盈利最多的部门。

===============================================
(1)        调查的有效性：如何进行，若是该部门主持的，会选择有益于他们的回答；样本是否有代表性，能适用于该公司所有市场；
(2)        增加存货未必能提高收益；
(3)        匆忙下结论，没有考虑其他影响因素；
In the memo, the arguer proposes that all Valu-Mart stores should increase their stocks of home machines for there is a coming work-at-home trend in the latest future. He cited a recent survey to support his conclusion. Reasonable as it sounded, we find some logical flaws in the memo after a close analysis.

Firstly, the survey on which the conclusion rested is too vague to be reliable. The argument fails to offer us some necessary information, such as (1) who conduced the survey? If the survey is conducted by the office-supply department itself, it is highly possible that they will filter some echoes which are benefit to their own interests. (2)How many people are involved in the survey? Are they chosen randomly? When the author wants to apply the result of the survey to all VM stores, he should offer compelling evidence to prove that the samples are able to represent for their whole market demand. Unfortunately, we find little sign of this processor. Supposing the respondents are confined in a certain area, where the customers only account for a small proportion of the VM market, the decision will somewhat misleading. Unless the arguer can sweep out all the doubt discussed above, can we justifiablely accept the conclusion.

Secondly, the mere action of increasing the machine stock does not necessarily improve their sales performance. Even though many people will bring work home, it does not mean they will use these machines at home. Common sense tells us, with the development of the technology, many work can be deal with by computers, and we also have been access to huge information by means of internet. Consequently, work at home does not necessarily use office-machines, such as printer, small copy machines. If the machines can’t sale well, the stocks will not only add cost, but also bring unexpected risk in the future.

The arguer committed a fallacy of hasty generalization. He neglected to take into account other factors which have impact on the sales of their products. For instance, his rivals also found out this home-office trend, take some promotion action, such as curbing the small machines price, adding advertising cost. It is highly possible that though there is an obvious increasing in the home-office machines market, the V M can't  enhance their profit of the office-supply department.

All in all, after we find out such logical flaws in the argument, the evidence which is used to suppot the claim is unwarranted.Any decision which is addressing to lift up the sales performance need detailed and relible investigation and reasonalbe considertion before in sake of avoiding undeisreable risk.what's more important, the management of VM should figour out the reason that result to the lower saling performance in home-supply deparment.   






Total Words: 456

Saving Time: 2006-5-24  下午 11:02:23

yuviUID: 2169411

提綱：
1．        調查的可信度
a)        回應者本身的質疑
b)        調查的範圍
2．        家庭辦公並不見得需要買新的設備
a)        已經擁有辦公設備
b)        有其他的手段進行家庭辦公
3．        作者忽視其他部門的利潤

In this memo, the business manager of Valu-Mart stores contends here to increase the stock of home office machines and office supplies will make their office-supply departments become the most profitable component of the stores. To support this contention, the manager cites the fact that over 70 percent of the respondents in a recent survey reports that they need take more work to home than before. However, the manager's contention suffers from a series of logical problems and is therefore wholly unpersuasive.

To begin with, the manager's contention depends on the assumption that there is an increase in the office-supply market due to the survey. Firstly, the manager does not mention that what is the source of the survey, which method applied in, and where did they find those respondents. Without such information, this assumption cannot be seen as a well stand one. For example, the respondents might be non-office workers, such as designers, painters, and so on. As for them, there is obvious no potential consuming abilities in the office-supply market. Secondly, the manager also has not mention that where did they run such survey. It might be in a small area in the city, or some particular districts. Therefore, the manager cannot simply rule out that to increase the stock of office supplies in all Valu-Mart stores under these considerations. Without provide such important information, the manager cannot justifiably conclude that there is in fact a work-at-home trend and it will bring benefit for all Valu-Mart stores.

Even assuming that the survey basically based on traditional office-workers, however, it does not mean that all the office supplies in Valu-Mart will be sold well. On one hand, such traditional take-home workers might already get office facilities in their homes. And there is certainly no need for those people to buy new office machines or other office supplies. On the other hand, the manager fails to consider that it might has some possibilities for those people working on computers or the internet, or just use telephones while they work at home. Without ruling out these and other possibilities, the manager's inference is also fallacious, at least lacks the validity to contend it.

Even assuming that the potential consumers are the traditional office-workers, and they will buy such supplies for their take-home-works, however, the manager still fails to conclude that their office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of the stores. In this memo, the manager shows a absent with the essential descriptions with the Valu-Mart stores, and we could assume that there are also other departments like the computer-supply component, or some other electric facilities-supply components in Valu-Mart as well. To compare with these high-profits departments, unless the sales of the office-supply department will be extremely high in the future, otherwise there is no sense to contend that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of their stores.

In conclusion, the manager's contention cannot be taken seriously as it stands. To strengthen it, the manager must show that there is in fact a work-at-home trend in the market and such trend will really bring the advantage for the office-supply departments in all Valu-Mart stores.

(527 words)

yuviUID: 2169411

我限时写的,超了10分种.:(
写到一半看时间又快到了,于是狂打字,后面两段基本没有怎么想就敲出来了~~

限时失败~~下面继续努力~~:)
PS:云MM和小蜗牛都归队了~~呵呵,太好了~前几天的作业那叫一个少..:(

大家一起坚持吧~~:)

天边一朵云UID: 2157330

我来改kittey的


(1)        调查的有效性：如何进行，若是该部门主持的，会选择有益于他们的回答；样本是否有代表性，能适用于该公司所有市场；
(2)        增加存货未必能提高收益；
(3)        匆忙下结论，没有考虑其他影响因素；
In the memo, the arguer proposes that all Valu-Mart stores should increase their stocks of home machines for there is a coming work-at-home trend in the latest future. He cited a recent survey to support his conclusion. Reasonable as it sounded, we find some logical flaws in the memo after a close analysis.

Firstly, the survey on which the conclusion rested is too vague to be reliable. The argument fails to offer us some necessary information, such as (1) who conduced the survey? If the survey is conducted by the office-supply department itself, it is highly possible that they will filter some echoes (这个词用得很好呀)which are benefit to their own interests. (2)How many people are involved in the survey? Are they chosen randomly? When the author wants to apply the result of the survey to all VM stores, he should offer compelling evidence to prove that the samples are able to represent for their whole market demand. Unfortunately, we find little sign of this processor. Supposing the respondents are confined in a certain area, where the customers only account for a small proportion of the VM market, the decision will somewhat misleading. Unless the arguer can sweep out all the doubt discussed above, can we justifiablely accept the conclusion. （不知道能不能在一段中用小标题，这样到可以省掉那些过度词，不过没有见过这样的文章）

Secondly, the mere action of increasing the machine stock does not necessarily improve their sales performance. Even though many people will bring work home, it does not mean they will use these machines at home. （home前好像不能加介词）Common sense tells us, with the development of the technology, many work can be deal (dealt)with by computers, and we also have been(删掉) access to huge information by means of internet. Consequently, work at home does not necessarily use office-machines, such as printer, small copy machines. If the machines can’t sale well, the stocks will not only add cost, but also bring unexpected risk in the future.（这一段好像不太说的通，电脑还是代替不了比如传真机，打字机等的工作）

（加一个finally比较好）The arguer committed a fallacy of hasty generalization. He neglected to take into account other factors which have impact on the sales of their products. For instance, his rivals also found out this home-office trend, take some promotion action, such as curbing the small machines price, adding advertising cost. It is highly possible that though there is an obvious increasing in the home-office machines market, the V M can't  enhance their profit of the office-supply department.

All in all, after we find out such logical flaws in the argument, the evidence which is used to suppot the claim is unwarranted.Any decision which is addressing to lift up the sales performance need detailed and relible investigation and reasonalbe considertion before in sake of avoiding undeisreable risk.what's more important, the management of VM should figour out the reason that result to the lower saling performance in home-supply deparment.

总结：
第一次改kittey的文章，第一感觉是语言很流畅，而且很多用词特别专业，值得学习。但有一个问题是感觉反驳不是很有力度，就是感觉没有一针见血，只是轻轻拍了一下，比如最后一个利润问题只提到竞争者，还有管理水平，宣传水平都没有说。再比如all stores 是很重要的一个漏洞，但也没有很明确的提出反驳。网撒得很开，但捕得鱼不多。这是我的一个整体感觉。另外还有一些小的语法错误，需要避免。如果是限时写的就很不错呢！加油!


不知道为什么一下子不能加颜色了，先凑或着看一下，我明天再来改

[ 本帖最后由 天边一朵云 于 2006-5-25 22:05 编辑 ]

glxingUID: 2156425

马上写
半个小时，限时

glxingUID: 2156425

写得很烂啊，尤其是语言。

提纲：
1，调查不合理
2，为什么以前办公用品销量没有上升，是否有其他原因？
3，那些办公用品是否需要
4，盈利还有其他因素。

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."


The manager thinks that increasing the stock of home office machines and supplies could make the office-supply department become the most profitable component. The manager's major evidence is that a survey reveals that working at home have become a trend. However, close scrutiny of this argument reveals that the author has made several logical mistakes.

First of all, the rationality of this survey is open to doubt because the author does not give any necessary information about it, whether the capacity of the poll is larger enough to be statistically reasonable or the respondents can represent the whole workers. It is possible that those 70 percent of the respondents are busy "white collars" by chance, who have to spend extra time working home in order to gain progress in company, but most other workers do not change their habits.  

Secondly, the author does not consider why Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past. Is it because the stores have not enough home office machines? It is possible that the customers are not satisfied with the quality of service in Valu-Mart or the price of its goods is so high that it goes beyond customers' charge. Without excluding other possible reasons the author's suggestion can not be convictive, even being carried out it will not be feasible.

Thirdly, the author blindly thinks that the home office machines and office supplies are just what those people need without evidences. The survey does not tell us what kind of work those people do home, so it is unconvincing that those traditional office supplies would be in need. Actually, with the development of Internet and notebook computer, people prefer to do designing or managing work home rather than other kinds of work using traditional office machines.

Last but not the least, the author fails to prove that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of all the stores with this change. Whether the store can make profit is determined by many factors such as the market share and competition, the advertisement and the management of the store. It is possible that there are other stores that have control most of the market and the Valu-Mart is difficult to get a increase in sales and to become the most profitable component.

In sum, the author fails to approve his or her suggestion. To strengthen the statement, the author should give more relevant information about the survey to convince us its reasonability. Moreover, the author should provide enough evidences to demonstrate that increasing the stock of home office machines and office supplies  can meet the demand of customers and make profit as much as the author expects.

yuviUID: 2169411

互改顺序:

云-->KITTY-->小蜗牛-->yuvi--->云

glxingUID: 2156425

提綱：
1．        調查的可信度
a)        回應者本身的質疑
b)        調查的範圍
2．        家庭辦公並不見得需要買新的設備
a)        已經擁有辦公設備
b)        有其他的手段進行家庭辦公
3．        作者忽視其他部門的利潤

In this memo, the business manager of Valu-Mart stores contends here to increase 我认为应该是increasingthe stock of home office machines and office supplies will make their office-supply departments become the most profitable component of the stores. To support this contention, the manager cites the fact that over 70 percent of the respondents in a recent survey reports that they need take more work to 没有to home than before. However, the manager's contention suffers from a series of logical problems and is therefore wholly unpersuasive.

To begin with, the manager's contention depends on the assumption that there is an increase in the office-supply market due to 改成 according to 吧，否则容易误解成“因为调查，所以有需求”the survey. Firstly, the manager does not mention that what is the source of the survey, which method applied in, and where did they find those respondents. Without such information, this assumption cannot be seen regarded as a well stand one什么意思. For example, the respondents might be non-office workers, such as designers, painters, and so on. As for them, there is obvious no potential consuming abilities in the office-supply market注意，你的思维发散了，你这里是要论证“調查的可信度”. 但拐到消费能力上了Secondly, the manager also has not mention that where did they run such survey. It might be in a small area in the city, or some particular districts. Therefore, the manager cannot simply rule out that to increase the stock of office supplies in all Valu-Mart stores under these considerations. 这个观点好，我没发现。你为什么不单独成段，很好的观点啊，放这里憋屈着太可惜了Without provide such important information, the manager cannot justifiably conclude that there is in fact a work-at-home trend and it will bring benefit for all Valu-Mart stores.感觉这一段应该分开写：1，调查不可信：抽样人数，回应者的代表性，调查方法、、、 2，不应该所有的分店都采用

Even assuming that the survey basically based on traditional office-workers, however, it does not mean that all the office supplies in Valu-Mart will be sold well.这一句不太明白，上一段哪里有traditional office-workers啊？ts一定要写得清晰明了 On one hand, such traditional take-home workers might already get office facilities in their homes. And there is certainly no need for those people to buy new office machines or other office supplies. On the other hand, the manager fails to consider that it might has some possibilities for those people working on computers or the internet, or just use telephones while they work at home. Without ruling out these and other possibilities, the manager's inference is also fallacious, at least lacks the validity to contend it.

Even assuming that the potential consumers are the traditional office-workers, and they will buy such supplies for their take-home-works, however, the manager still fails to conclude that their office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of the stores. In this memo, the manager shows a absent with the essential descriptions with the Valu-Mart stores, and we could assume that there are also other departments like the computer-supply component, or some other electric facilities-supply components in Valu-Mart as well. To compare with these high-profits departments, unless the sales of the office-supply department will be extremely high in the future, otherwise there is no sense to contend that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of their stores.这个论点我觉得你说的太细了，其实你只要说“鉴于其他部门有可能很红火，所以在没有足够证据说明文具店能盈利之前，作者无法说文具部门一定会、、、”，说到这一步就行了

In conclusion, the manager's contention cannot be taken seriously口语化了 as it stands. To strengthen it, the manager must show that there is in fact a work-at-home trend in the market and such trend will really bring the advantage for the office-supply departments in all Valu-Mart stores.补充，你没有考虑市场竞争的因素吧

kittywen_16UID: 2135347

马上改

yuviUID: 2169411

先谢谢小蜗牛的修改,再给云MM道歉,我给你改的作业迟了这么久,不好意思.:)

提纲：1、调查没有说服力
      2、利润提高有很多因素
      3、并不一定需要所有商店都增加
（从提纲来看，云MM的思路和我挺像的，论点的安排都差不多）
In this memo, the business manager intends to convince us that as soon as all Valu-Mart stores increase their stock of home office machines as well as office supplies, the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of their stores. To justify this recommendation, the arguer cited a recent survey reporting that over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. And, as pointed out by the arguer, since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments, such changes will help them get out of the present situation(這裡不建议用help sb get out of present situation，容易产生理解上的歧义). A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

The major problem with this argument is that the statistical evidence of the survey upon which the argument relies is too vague to be informative. According to the report, more and more people tend to work home instead of workplace, yet no details about the people who responded to the survey are provided. Who are they? Which age span are they in? What are their professions? What if they all come from one company which is happen to be the only one that requires its employees to take more work home with them? Or what if there are more people who still work at their workplace and do not respond to the survey at all?（恩，连续提问方式的反驳。。不过有时间可以改成陈述句的形式，那样显得思维更严谨） What is more, it is entirely possible that the jobs of those respondents only account for a small portion of all the jobs in the city or their jobs have no demand for the home office machines and supplies. This survey lends no strong support to the argument unless the arguer can rule out all these possibilities above.

Another problem that undermines the argument is that the arguer fails to prove that profit of the office-supply departments will mount up simply by increasing office supplies stock. On one hand, the arguer provides no information concerning the reasons why there is no impressive sale in the past.（这一点我倒是没有想到） As we all know, several factors can contribute to such a result other than the shortage of market demand such as poor management, lack of advertisements and competition. It is more than likely that there already are a lot of customers asking for home-office supplies; however, due to the reasons listed above, Valu-Mart stores get defeated by its competitors.（对，竞争者也有可能，学习了~~） On the other hand, even assuming that it is the lack of demand that leads to the sales declination, no one can guarantee that increasing stock of office supplies will bring about changes. As we have discussed, without superior management and proper advertising strategy, the office-supply departments will all the same not become the most profitable component of the stores.（从商场本身的管理和竞争者的角度来分析了办公市场不会赢利的原因，赞一个，但是似乎有点忽视了办公用品本身是否赢利的疑问？？）
Last but not least, granted that the stores should take advantage of the work-at-home trend and increase the stock of home office supplies, it is still doubtful whether this change should be adopted by all Valu-Mart stores, as the arguer recommended. Some stores may already stock enough supplies and any increase would be a kind of waste. Some may be close to residential areas thus having more customers and could consider increasing the home office supplies.（恩，这点和我想的很相似）

As it stands, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the arguer would have to provide more information about the demographic profile of the survey's respondents. Additionally, I would need more detail analysis of why the office-supply departments fail to increase sales in the past and specific evidence to support the arguer's suggestion of increasing stock at all Valu-Mart stores（结尾写得很完整，瓒一个了~）

小结：

云MM几次argument的开头和结尾都写得挺不错的，点明重点，而且条理清楚。
这篇文章我的思路和上面的基本相似，都是先怀疑调查，再质疑办公市场，然后是商场因素。
不同的是，第二个论点里云MM详细讨论了管理和竞争两个角度下办公市场不赢利的可能，而我是直接假设了办公用品不见得有实际的市场，感觉我们两个人的观点中和一下会比较好：）

天边一朵云UID: 2157330

我这几天要忙英语辩论赛和期末考试，几乎没怎么上寄托，没想到被通报批评了。。。唉，还是快把这个小结补上吧。
Argement 117
The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores.
这次交作业的是我，小蜗牛，芹菜，kitty,而且交作业的也都完成了互改任务，值得表扬。
这次的作业我个人觉得挺简单的，逻辑错误很好找。大家都是首先批了调查这个最明显的错误，不过我看好像没有人批不应该所有商店都增加，我是觉得这个错误挺重要的。此外利润增长的其他必要条件大家也都提到了。总体来说这篇argu大家思路都差不多，要注意的就是语言问题。芹菜限时写的，虽然结尾有些仓促，但已经很棒了。我那篇还是想了快一个小时才写出来的。
大致就是这些吧，有一个月不能完成小组的作业，希望大家不要忘了我啊

kittywen_16UID: 2135347

提纲：
1，调查不合理（同意）
2，为什么以前办公用品销量没有上升，是否有其他原因？（同意，这个我分析时漏了）
3，那些办公用品是否需要（同意）4，盈利还有其他因素（同意）。
The manager thinks that increasing the stock of home office machines and supplies could make the office-supply department become the most profitable component. The manager's major evidence is that a survey reveals that working at home have【has 或者work-at-home trend has become an obvious trend】 become a trend. However, close scrutiny of this argument reveals that the author has made several logical mistakes.【我限时写作有个感受，就是时间不够用。不知蜗牛兄是否也有同感。如果不复述开头，就可以把更多的时间用在攻击逻辑错误上】

First of all, the rationality of this survey is open to doubt because the author does not give any necessary【necessary】 information about it, whether the capacity【samples 更好些】 of the poll is larger【large】 enough to be statistically reasonable or the respondents can represent【represent of 】 the whole workers【这句话好长，我一口气都没读完，建议从because开始分成两句】. It is possible that those 70 percent of the respondents are busy "white collars" by chance【the respondents were consisted of white collars by chance】, who have to spend extra time working home in order to gain progress in company【in order to 后面有点多余】, but most other workers do not change their habits.  

Secondly, the author does not consider why Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past. Is it because the stores have not enough home office machines? It is possible that the customers are not satisfied with the quality of service in Valu-Mart or the price of its goods is so high that it goes beyond customers' charge. 【前面一个问句，后面一个称述句，感觉不是很协调】Without excluding other possible reasons 【，】the author's suggestion can not be convictive, even being carried out it will not be feasible【neither convictive not feasible】.

Thirdly, the author blindly thinks that the home office machines and office supplies are just what those people need without evidences【老兄，这句也太蹩脚了吧】. The survey does not tell us what kind of work those people do home, so it is unconvincing that those traditional office supplies would be in need. Actually, with the development of Internet and notebook computer, people prefer to do designing or managing work home rather than other kinds of work using traditional office machines.

Last but not the least, the author fails to prove that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of all the stores with this change. Whether the store can make profit is determined by many factors such as the market share and 【市场份额和竞争应该是两个因素，这里应该用“，”】competition, the advertisement and【，】 the management of the store. It is possible that there are other stores that have control 【controled】most of the market and the Valu-Mart is difficult to get a【an】 increase in sales and to become the most profitable component.

In sum, the author fails to approve his or her suggestion. To strengthen the statement, the author should give more relevant information about the survey to convince us its reasonability. Moreover, the author should provide enough evidences to demonstrate that increasing the stock of home office machines and office supplies can meet the demand of customers and make profit as much as the author expects.

总结：
   建议把第一个和第三个驳论合在一起写会更好些：“调查没有告诉我们样本是否有代表性；调查的结果也没有显示顾客需要什么办公用品。”不然，后面又提到调查的问题。
    蜗牛的逻辑错误找得瞒准确，攻击到位。就是语言方面有不少错误，限时写的和平时水平是有差距，建议再多看看范文，句式多变化会更精彩。